Title: Book Writing

Author: GaeaValdez222

Reviewer: icecreamtherapy

Summary: 2/5

First, your summary covers some of the basic information required — such as who the main character is and where the story takes place. That's great!

At the same time, there are other details that you could include to make it more complete. For example, the stakes of your story aren't clearly illustrated in this summary. What exactly is at risk? (Save the world how?)

Who are the "people" mentioned? In what way are their purposes "bad"? Perhaps use a more specific word/phrase in place of "bad".

In addition, there is a small logical gap here: ...all while learning of his true identity.

It's a bit sudden to spring this on the reader with no prior mention of Aruke's "identity". Hence, it's crucial to first establish that Aruke previously did not know of his true identity. Also, true identity in what sense? His parentage? His name? Give us more details to avoid a vague summary.

Next, let's talk about grammar. Take a look at this sentence: Sure, he wasn't all the special, living in Yukon, Canada despite being half-American, half-Japanese, but he had always been the kind to not listen to conspiracy theories.

Typo: Sure, he wasn't all the special → Sure, he wasn't all that special.

Also, take note of your usage of but. But is used as a conjunction when the second clause in a sentence contrasts the first. In this case, there are many people who don't believe in conspiracy theories, so bring a nonbeliever doesn't exactly tell us that Kin Aruke is special.

Grammar: 3/5

On the whole, your grammar is fine. However, there are a number of noticeable errors.

In "Making the Decision to Wield it": I quickly took out some bandages I always bring around with me → I quickly took out some bandages I always brought around with me. (Incorrect tense)

In "The Beginning of the Beginning": Despite all that, however, there are...

This is a redundant repetition. Despite all that and however serve similar purposes, so just pick one instead of using both.

...our determination high → ...our determination strong. (Incorrect adjective)

"Making the Decision to Wield it": "Hieru" shot a bullet to Konju's leg → "Hieru" shot a bullet at Konju's leg. (Incorrect proposition)

"Spring Cleaning": I was not in a good mood...but I had been kept up all night with my negative thoughts → I was not in a good mood...because I had been kept up all night by my negative thoughts. (Incorrect conjunction)

Character Building: 2/5

From my interpretation of this story, Aruke's stutter isn't a speech disorder, but rather a response to fear (correct me if I'm wrong.) Therefore, I feel that stuttering is overused in Aruke's speech.

Stuttering is helpful when you want to display emotions such as anxiety and fear, but too much of it can make your character appear unrealistic instead.

Perhaps you could explore alternative ways of portraying Aruke's emotions, and strike a balance between the different methods that you choose to use.

Writing Style: 1.5/5

First, let's talk about consistency of details. In "Learning the Plot", Konju climbs the "handmade ladder", but on the next page, he is described as climbing stairs, and Aruke "[grips] the step above [him]". Such errors are quite noticeable, so revise your work carefully to avoid them.

Next, logical leaps. In "Borrowing an Actor", Aruke is surprised to find Konju at his front door. After wondering how Konju knows his name, Aruke's next question should most likely be How did you know where I live? However, this point is not addressed.

Afterwards, when Aruke says to Konju They've been doing this for so long, Konju's first question is What exactly did they do? This is not followed up with Who are they? — the other question that should come the most naturally.

As such questions are neither asked not answered, it results in underdeveloped dialogue and readers are left with gaps in their understanding of the story. At times, it feels like the dialogue is being rushed for the sake of moving the plot along more quickly (ie. getting to the crux of the story.)

On the point of logic, let's look at this part of "Sleepover Interruption": Konju leaned in to whisper, "What's tadaima and okaeri nasai?" Assuming that Konju is unfamiliar with the Japanese language, it's more realistic for him to ask Aruke What did you just say? rather than to repeat the Japanese phrases perfectly (the way that only someone who's familiar with the language might be able to.)

In addition, awkward phrasing hinders the fluency of your writing. For example, in "Spring Cleaning": ...I was done with my shower in 5 minutes and was in the attic by 6 minutes. Here's how you could improve this sentence: ...I was done with my shower in 5 minutes and was in the attic by the sixth.

In the following paragraph, Aruke says this of his mother: Last time I heard of her, she was going to Peru... Judging from the context, last time I heard from her might be more appropriate.

In "Clashing Memories": My memories became flying fishes, gleefully trying to escape my mind to torture me. It might just be me, but this sentence is confusing. Perhaps you could reword it to clarify its meaning.

In "Borrowing an Actor": "I personally don't know," Konju replied. "But from what I know..." These two phrases are contradictory. You could avoid this by making a small change: "From what I know, it's a safe haven for Undiscovered Natures," Konju replied.

In "Running into Trouble": The threat note had shaken me to the core, especially the words written below the words. What words written below what words? Consider changing this to ...especially the second line of words.

Also, be careful not to info-dump. Examples of this are your introductions of Aruke and Konju. Each character has a lengthy paragraph dedicated to listing numerous details of his physical attributes, which reads like an identification card rather than a well-integrated character description. (On the other hand, Aruke's father features throughout the first chapter, yet there isn't any description of his appearance.)

When you unload a lot of information on the reader at once, it tends to come across as overly clinical, can break the flow of your narrative, and can also be overwhelming. Instead, integrate character descriptions into your writing gradually and sparingly, leaving out the details that do not contribute to the character or the plot.

Lastly, make sure you show and not tell. Konju is written to have "Canadian looks". This is a vague phrase — what does it mean? Describe it to the reader instead.

Plot + Originality: 1.5/5

The idea of fictional characters existing, of Borrowed Actors and Major/Minor Towns is very intriguing. If developed well, it could make your worldbuilding stand out.

However, this novel contains a lot of untapped potential. You create many interesting terms that are only mentioned briefly, and that you could afford to explain a lot further. For example, who exactly is a Borrowed Actor? Does he have special abilities?

Konju claims the Dark Balancers want to "destroy the multiverse", but does not explain why. In this case, the Dark Balancers are given a very vague motive that resembles the default "destroy the world" motto of the archetypal villain. It is not specific to your story.

Konju also says that the DB "know that the [Fluctuation Artefact] has chosen [Aruke]". The question is, how does Konju know this? It's crucial to fill such gaps in your plot, or else you risk leaving readers with many unanswered questions.

In "Character Development Problems", Aruke runs up to the warehouse, and upon opening the door, sees "Konju dodging bullets". If he could hear Konju's shout all the way from his house, he would more than likely be able to hear the gunshots from outside the warehouse. However, there is no mention of gunshot noises before Aruke opens the door.

In the same chapter, after Konju gets shot, he should be bleeding and in pain. Yet, there is no indication of this. Including such details would make this scene more realistic and complete.

Also from the same chapter, this sentence ...I took it out and quickly picked an emerald before I placed it on the MP3 player's hole is very confusing. There is no prior mention of emeralds (where does Aruke get them from?), nor any explanation as to how the Fluctuation Artefact works.

In "Running into Trouble", Aruke and Konju bring "small glow sticks" to the park. They may be young, but as far as they are portrayed, they seem like sensible characters. Thus, it would make a lot more sense for them to bring a flashlight instead (it's much more practical.)

In the same chapter, Aruke's eyes are described to be "unknowingly glowing red". As this story is written from the first person perspective of Aruke, it is impossible for him to describe his glowing red eyes if he is unaware of them.

OVERALL SCORE: 10/25

Your story has huge potential that remains largely untapped. You could change this by revising your writing so as to improve the flow of your story and fill the gaps in the plot. Keep going!