Review by John: Control
Title: Control
Author: G1rlDatL0vesUn1c0rns
Reviewer: Tumike-John
Note from reviewer:
Before I start with the review, let me let you know how much I love sci-fi and the time I spend exploring it. As soon as I saw Control, I was excited. However, I won't let my emotions take over the review. The review will be the review. Straight, truthful, and friendly.
Summary/Blurb: 1/5
I didn't get what the story is about throwing the blurb. I feel it's more of an info-dump than a summary. The summary only drops the information about the character; what we won't remember as soon as we start the first chapter. The file of Annela Morgan is inserted into this summary, making it daunting to remember — and it feels forced. The best I could remember when I started was only her first name and her age. Honestly, I feel this information is redundant. I'd suggest you change the blurb entirely.
For the mission part, I'm not sure of what you mean by 'boredom fills her everyday life'. Do you mean because she's bored that's why they're sending her on a new mission? If yes, that's not believable. Do we go to school because we're bored? Do we go to work to do to impossible assignments because we're bored? Give us a reason to root for Annela; reveal a reason why we should stick we her. If you want us to follow Annela for this mission, you should give us a reason — because we, unlike Annela, aren't bored.
Errors I noticed in the blurb:
Twenty two — [Correction: twenty-two]
Origines — [Correction: origin]
Informations — [Correction: information] <this is an uncountable noun>
'Capacities': I'm not exactly sure of what you mean here, but I think it should be replaced with 'capabilities'.
Annela Morgan, forged impassible by her spy training, is in control of everything. <You missed a comma>
The best way to make this summary meaningful is to rewrite it. Don't dump the file into it; let the information flow. Look at other books, see how they do it. Anybody can dump a file in the blurb, as we know practically everything about our characters. Make yours unique. Leave some information out of it. Why do we need to know she can play three instruments? Does being American matter in this story? Does skipping three classes affect the overall plot? What is her 'everyday life'?
Of course you can add these things in the story, but don't insert them at once. You can make a character boast about how good Annela is, maybe for a recommendation.
"Annela is the best fit for this mission, ma'am. She's the veteran you need. Can communicate in eight languages, plays three musical instruments professionally, complete rogue, and she's sure as hell beautiful," said Somebody.
Don't make her or the narrator do it.
Grammar: 1.5/5
Your grammar is okay, but I think it can be better. There are run-on sentences affecting the chapters. This ruins the flow of the story. The trick about learning to avoid run-on sentences is making independent stand on its own.
A run-on sentence is a fused sentence, considered ungrammatical because it combines two (or more) independent clauses written as a single sentence, often with only a comma as separator (comma splice), which should be rendered either as separate sentences or as clauses joined more appropriately (such as by a semicolon or by a comma and coordinating conjunction). <Source: the Wiktionary and it is available under the CC BY-SA 3.0 license>
I'll use two examples from your story, Control:
EXAMPLE 1: On top of her leans an imposing bearded man, she fiercely tries to free herself from his iron grasp.
CORRECTION 1: On top of her leans an imposing bearded man. She fiercely tries to free herself from his iron grasp.
EXAMPLE 2: During the dance Felix was really enjoying Annela's company, but she didn't feel any special attraction towards her coming from him, she understood he liked her as a friend, which was perfect for her...
CORRECTION 2: During the dance, Felix was really enjoying Annela's company, but she didn't feel any special attraction (towards her) coming from him. She understood he liked her as a friend...
If you noticed EXAMPLE 2, I corrected more than a run-on sentence. You had a missing punctuation and the 'towards her' isn't really needed.
I find the excessive use of adverbs in your dialogue tags disturbing. 'Enigmatically suggests', 'quietly asks', 'slowly questions', 'shares orally', 'whisper yells', 'coldly asks', 'nicely replies', 'physically wheezes'. I couldn't understand some of these tags. Rather than using adverbs to enhance the characters' dialogues, you can explain them (with the means of showing). Don't tell us how the character asked a question in such a cold way, give us the body language — and we'd know how chilly the response is.
Sometimes you make use of 'breath' instead of 'breathe'. Breath is a noun. Breathe is a verb.
- I could hear his breath a mile away.
- I could hear him breathe a mile away.
- Her breath smelt of garlic
- Do not breathe; I just farted.
Another thing you should watch for is the use of names in your sentences. When a name is being called, a comma precedes or succeeds the name.
Example: "Get out of there Christian." <this is wrong>
"Get out of there, Christian." <this is correct>
The absence of commas can change the sentence entirely.
"Let us eat, Grandma," Lily said.
"Let us eat Grandma," Lily said.
The only difference between these two dialogues above is the comma that comes before 'Grandma'. In the first sentence, Lily sounds like a nice little grandchild. In the second, she's a freaking cannibal. These errors can make the readers see another thing.
Overall, it's not really a neat work — but it can be better.
Character Building: 3/5
The downfall I had about the development is the pacing. Annela opens in a slow, tiring way. I grew bored of her at the first chapter. I feel the first few paragraphs can be cut out and replaced with a few sentences; maybe two or three. If you start from the fourth paragraph, we'd still understand the story well. The first three paragraphs seem like they are a waste of read. After revealing that the character calmed her breath, wiped sweat off her forehead, rested a hand on her face, music blasting in her ears, it's easy to know Annela is on a morning exercise. These details have said it.
What I like about her is the flaw. She isn't the totally courageous character — you showed us that in the beginning. Well done there! Although she may be terrified of a few things, that doesn't mean she will hide under her bed forever.
Thank goodness you didn't dwell on the rape. I like how it started and ended in one dialogue — and it wasn't vivid and detailed. I'm more thankful that Annela wasn't raped.
Writing Style: 0.5/5
Honestly, I couldn't figure out the style due to the many errors in the book. Now that Control is a completed book, you can begin with the editing. The punctuations before the dialogue tags are mostly incorrect, too many adverbs, redundant paragraphs, confusing wordings, comma splices. This didn't make me enjoy the book as much as I wanted to.
Plot + Originality: 4.5/5
Like many sci-fi books, it's all about a character going for a mission. I've seen this trope countless times. The reason why I like yours better is due to how vulnerable Anne is. She could've been raped, but she was saved by that woman. Other books could make her save herself; which, in this case, is not so possible.
Anne is terrific at her job, but this doesn't mean she perfect. She has her way in handling situations, which was revealed when searching for the spy (I won't spoil this) in the school.
OVERALL SCORE: 10.5/25
This is an interesting story, but no one will know that because of the bumps in the plot. It is easy for readers to fall in love with. I suggest you brush up your sentences and punctuations — and you'll make this story shine brighter. This is a promising one! I hope this review helps! Keep it up!
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