Title: Captured

Author: simsfan478

Reviewer: Jumping_Jiminys

Cover: 4/5

Zombies clearly from this cover. The blood-like colour of the title is well thought out. In terms of photoshopping (which I think you've done), it's very professional with clear and good resolution. I, however, am that type of subtle cover lover where the story isn't immediately picked up on by the cover, but that's just a personal preference.

Summary: 4/5

I've always wondered what life would be those who are the first generation of a zombie apocalypse where this is all they've ever known. So I'll be very interested to see Marcus and his journey. I am, however, hoping that everything in this summary isn't everything to be expected of the story.

Spelling, Vocabulary + Grammar: 5/15

I noticed the most significant thing was dialogue. Always have a new paragraph for dialogue when someone speaks, especially if two separate people are talking.

So there's an order in which you are supposed to describe things, and it's usually: quantity, quality, size, age, shape, and colour. In your case, you should have "We end up reaching a dirty, empty, steel jail cell.".- Chapter I: Prison Insanity

New paragraph for "I, reluctantly and slowly..." It gives the impression that the main character said the dialogue.- Chapter I: Prison Insanity

New paragraph for dialogue "Get in," - Chapter I: Prison Insanity

"You're not GOING back." - Chapter I: Prison Insanity

New paragraph for dialogue "Thanks,"- Chapter I: Prison Insanity

New paragraph for dialogue "Enjoy," - Chapter I: Prison Insanity

I didn't understand what was meant by "You're going hungry tomorrow." When the character goes on to say they are paralysed with fear, I believe, instead of him metaphorically shrugging his shoulders, which does for me seem a bit unnatural, you could explain what the man meant through narration. Now rereading that sentence, I believe you were going to say "You're going HUNTING tomorrow." - Chapter I: Prison Insanity

New paragraph for dialogue "I think we should get back now." - Chapter II: A New Hope

New paragraph for "Alexander takes..." As it comes across as he spoke the dialogue not Lucas - Chapter II: A New Hope

New paragraph for dialogue "You know what?" - Chapter II: A New Hope

New paragraph for dialogue "Oh, no!" - Chapter II: A New Hope

New paragraph for dialogue "Alex. What's that on your arm..." - Chapter II: A New Hope

"Finally, (maybe stupidly) decide to break my silence." I think it reads better when you add the brackets - Chapter III: Into the Unknown

New paragraph for "the man, probably..." As it comes across as he said the dialogue, not Malcolm - Chapter III: Into the Unknown

New paragraph for dialogue "A grocery store." - Chapter III: Into the Unknown

New paragraph for dialogue "Shit," - Chapter III: Into the Unknown

New paragraph for dialogue "We should just wait..." - Chapter III: Into the Unknown

New paragraph for dialogue "Don't run away, kid." - Chapter III: Into the Unknown

New paragraph for dialogue. "All clear now." - Chapter III: Into the Unknown

New paragraph for dialogue "Get your ass out of there!" - Chapter III: Into the Unknown

New paragraph for "Listen..." - Chapter III: Into the Unknown 

Sentence Structure + Paragraphing: 3/5

I'm a bit confused by this sentence "I mean, at least the people I grew up around, my family, my friends, did." Is this sentence saying that the character's family and friends knew the character had it coming? If so I think you could say "...but I had it coming. EVEN the people I grew up around KNEW IT -- my family, my friends." - Chapter I: Prison Insanity

I would have "The ultimate threat is human." on its own for added effect.- Chapter I: Prison Insanity

"At least it's something." I would have in italics as it reads more as though then part of the narration - Chapter I: Prison Insanity 

Description: 2/5

In chapter two, who is "they"  - That was a good chance for some excellent imagery that could capture the audience's imagination, and if readers didn't already figure a great way to bring in the zombie aspect. - Chapter II: A New Hope

I don't know how graphic this story is, but I didn't connect to Alex at all when his arm was cut off. Even if this story isn't very gory, I think you could focus on the feeling and thought as his arm is being cut off. Perhaps time slows as the hatchet comes down. Perhaps Alex tries to convince them that it was from an animal. Maybe he collapses from shock. I think this scene should've been a lot stronger then it is. - Chapter II: A New Hope

After reading four chapters, I've come to realise your describing is minimal at the best of time. I think that's why I found it hard to connect to much of anything. I don't know what Marcus or any other character looks like. when it comes to stories which are set in a different world to the one we are in, it is imperative you describe the world. At times you can sometimes get away with it if it's set in today's time, but even then readers expect to describe locations and characters. Now and again tells us where Marcus is what kind of world is he living in. Considering he's never been outside his community, it would even be in his nature to be inquisitive and curious to these things negative or positive seeing new things should capture his attention and thus capturing ours.

Plot Development: 1/5

In the four chapters that I've read, I don't know why Marcus has been kidnapped? Don't know by who? There are no hints to his background, his life before (yes we did see a flashback but Marcus was one then so it wasn't his flashback it was a story flashback which might I add was in the third person so I felt no connection between that chapter and Marcus as a character)

A suggestion would be to know what the plot is firstly, and then each chapter either hint or explain something that contributes to the plot. Otherwise, the story won't lead anywhere and you'll lose readers along the way. Keep them engage every chapter to make them want to read more.

Characterisation: 1/5

From the story summary, the story follows Marcus, who is ten. So far his character comes across stoic at the best of times. I understand he's meant to be in this apocalyptic world so perhaps this is just to be expected from the environment they are in, but there is nothing to suggest that his behaviour is in his character.

If we had more thoughts and reflection that either matched how he acted or contradicted would've added depth to his character and give us more insight on who they are.

I think the reason it fell so flat for me was that Marcus has never left his community in his life. I'd either expect increased curiosity or increased anxiety, but he's neither which doesn't sit well with his character.

Character Interactions + Relationships: 1/5

I don't know how to score this one. On one side you have the fact that the narrator has been kidnapped so therefore naturally he will be a bit standoffish to them. However the times they did interact again Marcus had a very go-with-the-flow attitude which I didn't believe there was what I think was one occasion where he said he was terrified, but it comes and goes very quickly that I didn't make any impact to his character.

I'm probably repeating myself but thoughts and feelings are incredibly crucial, and there really is no excuse when the story is written in the first person. Every now and again give the readers some insight into Marcus' mindset. It'll do wonders.

Creativity + Originality: 2/5

Marcus, being kidnapped for me, was original. Zombie apocalypse, bad survivours, good survivors I've written version of these. I've watched enough versions of these.

Writing Quality: 2/5

Unfortunately, I was a bit bored reading this. It could be because I'm so used high stakes, loads of tension, heart-pumping action when it comes to zombies that this story kind of fall flat to me. Marcus doesn't grab me. There's not much to his character. For a ten-year-old, he seems just to take everything in his stride, and when there are times that he is vulnerable, there's not enough depth to it.

Overall I think that there wasn't enough depth in nearly all the scenes. For example, when Marcus is in the car. What's his current mental state? So far we don't know why or even how he was taken. Even if the why is going to be revealed later on, you could definitely express how throughout. Was it a violent ambush by his kidnappers? Did they do almost a covert operation in the dead of night? These sort of things could be highlighted in flashbacks, thoughts, dialogue anything to make the story clearer.

Using the example of him in the car there is no sense of urgency to see his family he just says "I figure I should start finding my family..." The phrase "I figure" comes across very blase, shrug your shoulders "seeing as I'm here" sort of attitude which again doesn't suit the situation and also doesn't seem to follow Marcus' character.

OVERALL SCORE: 25/60

Reading my review, it might sound incredibly harsh. Your book wasn't a pain to read. Things such as spelling and grammar -- I didn't notice any wrongs there. I would highly suggest, if you haven't already, that you have a plan even if it's just what you want to achieve by the end of the book. Knowing where you want to end will surely help you while you are writing.