Title: The Knight and the Peasant

Author: SirTurtletheIII

Reviewer: Ivy279

Title + Cover: 3.5/5

I'm a fan of the title, I give it the full amount of points. It's obvious why you chose your title and it reflects the story well! However, I think you could do better on the cover. While the picture is reflective of the story, the style and development feel rudimentary - which your story is not. You have a beautifully created world, brought to life with your attention to detail and vivid storytelling. I think your cover should reflect the same level of care. The texts on the cover don't match, you can barely read the byline, and the font doesn't feel like it fits with the theme. It serves its purpose, but can be improved.

Summary: 2.5/5

Your blurb is much like your cover. It does the job but could greatly be improved with refinement. It goes more into detail about the world than it does about the characters or the plot. It needs to be edited and revised. Two sentences in a row start with BUT, and the word thrust is used quickly in succession. All we know about the plot is someone named Salvador is thrust into a war with a knight by his side, and maybe that's all you want us to know. However, after reading your first three chapters, I think you could do a lot better with some revision.

Initial Impressions: 7/10

The introductory paragraph was all tell and no show. It makes the reader feel like a bystanding instead of immersing them into the story. Salvador's boredom and desire to see the world would be better off slowly exposing through his actions in the chapter rather than info-dumped at the beginning. There was nothing to immediately hook the reader, and if I was not writing a review I would probably not continue. The following two paragraphs improved, with descriptions and imagery laced into storytelling.

--Okay, full stop. I don't know what happened, but after the sixth paragraph the writing went from a 5/10 to an 8/10. I was unimpressed with the beginning, but by the end of the chapter I felt fully engaged and strapped in for an adventure! Your writer's voice in the beginning was almost nonexistent, but matured rapidly throughout the chapter - along with sentence structure, vocabulary, and plot. I STRONGLY encourage you to delete the entire first paragraph. It is unnecessary, drags the chapter down and will deter readers from your wonderful story. There is nothing in that infodump paragraph that wasn't revealed during the remainder of the chapter. I would also take out the information about Salvador's mother and family wealth. It isn't information that's being utilized for the chapter, and can easily be added in somewhere else when the mother's role is more prominent.

I really enjoyed the descriptions of the lords, rivers, and ports. I can tell you put a lot of attention to detail to world building, and that's the sort of thing that gets me personally excited. The only other suggestion I have for you is adding more actions and descriptions to the end of the chapter. You go from a heavy narration style to almost only dialogue near the end, and it's a jarring change for the reader.

If it wasn't for the immediate introduction, I would have given the overall initial impression of the first chapter an 8.5!

Grammar + Punctuation: 8/10

This is not my forte, but I did not find any glaring problems with grammar or punctuation. I took points off because there were sentences that read odd to me, mostly in the first chapter. There were sentences that ran long, and could have been split into multiple, as well as incomplete sentences. Still, overall it was very good. In the second chapter, I noticed the sentence below probably could have done without the "you've" in it.

"Seems like you've yur just a simple peasant boy..."

Characterisation: 9/10

Your characterization is ON POINT!

Salvador is so vivacious, adventurous, and playful. You do a great job of embodying the spirit of a ten year old boy. He's quirky and got a great sense of humor. There were a few lines of dialogue that made him seem a lot older than ten, such as: "Being the leading blacksmith of town is wearing on him it seems, but it always does." However, other than that it was perfect. You paint a grand picture of an underdog that readers want to cheer for.

I like the attention to detail you have for not only your world building, but also your character building. You go as far as creating slangs, accents, and speech differences that really help readers differentiate between your characters. I'm also a huge, huge fan of the incorporation of spanglish that drives home the culture of your book.

Writing Style: 4/5

I enjoyed your writing style and your author's voice. I think it could be improved by reducing the clutter of your words. By that I mean deleting unnecessary words to clean up sentences. There's no reason to write 10 words when 6 will do the job. I listed some examples below.

He joked happily... - most adverbs are clutter. Joking happily is redundant, since it's implied by his words and the fact you used the word joked.

The knight told him stories of all the places in the Kingdom of Sersalvon he had been to. -'he had been to' can be removed and the sentence would have the same effect, because it's implied with the rest of your paragraph.

Salvador protested, although he knew that was a lie... --the second part of this sentence, again could do without.

Also, in some of your longer narration your sentence structures sometimes gets repetitive. It had been this, it had been that, had had had over and over again. It can get boring to read. During revision I would consider rewording a couple sentences here and there to add variety.

Plot + Originality: 9/10

Your plot is strongly defined. While a young boy going on an adventure with a knight is not entirely unique, I believe you made it wholly your own with your strong world building and distinct characters. I ended chapter three with quite the cliffhanger. I am sure that everything will change from here on out, and a more distinct plot will soon reveal itself. From what I've read so far I have no doubt that it will be magnificent! 

OVERALL SCORE: 43/55

This is the highest score I've given thus far, by a lot! I enjoyed the read and wish you the best on all your future writing endeavors!