Title: The Days

Author: walkingecho

Reviewer: Ivy279

Title + Cover: 4.5/5

Your cover is absolutely beautiful! It's simple, but I love the font you've used, and I think it reflects the simple love story you're telling. I took half a point off only because I don't quite understand what the title, The Days, has to do with your story. It's not reflected in the first five chapters or the blurb.

Summary: 5/5

Your summary overs all the bases. It tells us who the story's about, what the primary source of conflict is, and ups the stakes to tell us why we should care. I think it's engaging and definitely draws in the type of audience you're targeting. Great job!

Initial Impressions: 9/10

I am generally not a huge fan of regular teen fiction, but yours was the exception. I really enjoyed your first chapter. It started off with a brief glimpse into your author's voice and the character's immediate environment before diving into a captivating fantasy. Your grammar, sentence structure, and word choice were impeccable, fully immersing readers into Amelia's surroundings. You had just the right level of imagery, allowing us to visualize the scene while not feeling superfluous. Then the last line of your chapter was a hook, line, and sinker for the perfect cliff-hangers that keep readers on the edge of their seat. The only thing I would comment is that the introduction of all of Amelia's friends were difficult to keep track of so quickly at once, but I'm sure they will become more distinct as the story goes on.

Grammar + Punctuation: 7.5/10

I am not a grammar expert by any means, but I've commented on sentences that I've personally noticed. Overall, the story was very easy to read and flowed smoothly. The mistakes weren't that distracting.

Usually when someone says "she's way out of his league" they mean she's way too good for him, or at least where I'm from. That made this sentence in particular very confusing. There are two girls mentioned in this sentence, and it's not specified which she we're referring to. So it could be read that she, his ex girlfriend, was way too good for him -- rather than she, Amelia, was not good enough for him.

P in picking needs to be capitalized here, because it's the beginning of a new sentence, as an action beat.

Subjects are not capitalized, but course names are. So, I don't believe art in this instance needs to be capitalized. I also believe that this first sentence would read better being split into two; it reads very cluttered with many unnecessary words. I am not a grammar expert, but whomever teacher sounds uncomfortable to me. 

[ray_of_sunshine9 agrees! She thinks 'whomever' should be changed to 'whichever', and the tenses are a little jumbled. Consider changing 'teacher that they want' to 'teacher that they wanted'. You've also used the word 'teacher' three times in a single sentence, so maybe consider revising that.]

Many more times rather than much more times is grammatically correct. It's also my own opinion that "many more times than what was considered normal" would flow better.

Floated over rather than floats over. Looked rather than looks. The story is told in past tense -- be careful that present tense verbs don't accidentally slip in.

Again, treated instead of treats, and also pine over instead of pin over.

I've noticed that you end dialogues with commas when periods are called for, or vice versa, and don't consistently follow the rules for capitalization after the dialogue. So here's a quick blurb on it, as well as an example of the confusion I've noted in your work. Therefore, from here on out I would refrain from pointing out these mistakes in your work to reduce redundancy.

A dialogue tag is about how a character says something, for example, from your summary: he laughed, he murmured. The next word after a dialogue tag does not need to be capitalized unless it's a name or an official title, not even if it's a question mark or exclamation point.

Examples: 

"What?" she yelled.

"I will not," said the man.

An action beat is a physical activity they do, and the next word is capitalized regardless.

Examples:

"Over there!" She pointed.

"I will not." The man shook his head.

This line read really uncomfortable to me, I find it difficult to describe but I would rephrase this way. Of course, this is just a suggestion and my own opinion.

"I hope my parents come to watch tonight," Cameron confessed after a pause. "It would mean a lot."

Characterisation: 6.5/10

I had a difficult time choosing a score for this category because I have very mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I feel like there are too many characters introduced all at once and I didn't get to know any one character very well. On the other hand, there was definitely foundation being laid out to create well rounded characters. For example, the brief touch on Cameron's feelings about his absentee parents, Luke's feelings about remembering Amelia, and the interactions between the twins are all great starting points. However, again, there were so many threads I felt split and it didn't give me enough time to fully invest in any single character.

Amelia is supposed to be the main character, and the primary plot is her developing romance with Cameron. Yet, I have no idea why she is so infatuated with him, other than the fact that he is gorgeous with beautiful eyes. I definitely don't know why Cameron suddenly decided he was interested in her after so many years of ignoring her very obvious crush. I know very little about Amelia's family, how her friendships were built, her likes and dislikes, etc. I honestly know more about Cameron at this point, but other than the fact he has mommy issues he seems like the average popular jock thus far. I have faith that these characters will become more well rounded throughout the story, and I do like most of the characters I've met thus far. However, in the end I had to give this a lower score at the end of chapter 5.

Writing Style: 3/5

I enjoyed your writing style overall. My primary gripe would be the POV. For the majority of the time it seems like you are writing in third person limited, but then you'll randomly switch to another third person limited and I find it disorienting and jarring. I also like to switch between different people in third person limited, but I suggest you not do it within the same scene with no warning. Perhaps with a page or scene breaker to make it more obvious. For example, the POV change to Cameron in chapter 3 or the POV change to Luke in chapter 4. This also goes hand in hand with the grammatical problem of slipping from past tense to present tense.

I would also reconsider using the words look and looking in such close succession.

There were some sentences that I addressed in the grammar session that came off confusing or could have been rewritten better, in my opinion, which also contributed to the writing style score.

Plot + Originality: 7/10

In the first five chapters, the plot seems fairly cookie cutter thus far with the typical cheerleaders, football players, and high school drama and parties. The reason I still rated this story fairly high is because the blurb indicates a more unique plot focus is coming up. I also enjoy the POV shifting and character dynamics, although I've mentioned that both aspects could use a lot of improvement. I like the potential of multiple dynamic stories happening at once. I think this story shows a lot of promise, and has been set up to be very unique despite the fact that the first few chapters thus far have been the typical teen story.

OVERALL SCORE: 42.5/55

Overall, I was really hooked by the introductory chapter, but became less and less interested as the story continued. This could be due in part to my own personal interest in teen fiction, but also in part due to the fact that I didn't feel invested in any one character because there was a lack of focus. I think with some revision and editing this story is well on it's way to becoming incredible!