Title: The Ambuloks

Author: AnemoneAnonymous

Reviewer: Ivy279

Title + Cover: 3.5/5

I didn't understand the title until I got to chapter 5, but then everything fell in place. So this title gets full points in terms of being applicable and representative of the story. As for the cover, I think it's aesthetically attractive, but I don't know if the theme fits with the first five chapters. I love the incorporation of gears in terms of how machinery works in the spiral. However, the atmosphere you've painted in your story seemed very black and white at first, with a rigid society and strict rules. Your protagonist herself seems to fit into these borders and doesn't color outside the lines, and your initial setting is cavernous with lots of machines. Therefore, the colorful, whimsical cover kind of confused me. However, just like I didn't understand the title until chapter 5, readers may not understand your cover until further into the story.

Summary: 5/5

The first part of your summary is unnecessary and kind of out of place. However, under the divider, you have a standalone summary that I give full credit 5/5 points to! It's engaging and immediately makes the reader invested in both the character and the plotline. You raise the stakes and give the reader enough information for them to know what to expect, but leaves them questioning and wanting more. This is the best summary I've reviewed thus far, but I sincerely advise you to remove the first section prior to the divider.

Initial Impressions: 3/10

So, I'm doing this review in a slightly different format than usual, because the screenshots I took had a lot of points in multiple categories at once. So grammar, initial impressions, and writing style kind of all go together.

I was not personally a fan of your writing style. I read the paragraphs over and over again trying to identify what bothered me, but it just didn't seem to flow in a natural way. Perhaps your style and mine just don't mesh well, you may not be a native speaker, or maybe just a new writer. Either way, I will try my best to explain what struck me uncomfortably, but I am unsure whether I will be able to appropriately convey it or pinpoint the exact problem. I apologize in advance and I want to remind you that this is my personal opinion, I am not a professional and everyone has different tastes in books.

One of the first things that I noticed was the lack of sentence structure variety. Your sentences overutilize the word "was" or "were" when it could easily be removed without affecting the meaning of the sentence.

Examples with Removal of Was: Ren didn't usually mind the mess or grime that covered her station. After all, a dark blanket of grease coated almost everything in London. 

Other times, words just don't quite fit. "Her mind was felt manageable" -- Manageable is spelled wrong, there are too many words here, and the sentence makes no sense. Although I have an idea what you were going for, what does it mean by a mind feeling manageable? In this short segment another four sentences utilize the words "was" and "were" as their primary verb. This entire paragraph is also telling rather than showing. You're telling us she likes to work, you're telling us she loved to see the machines, you're telling us something special is there. I don't feel engaged in the story, I feel like an outsider looking in. You can show us she loved to see the machine by having a scene where her eyes light up or a smile plays on her lips as she passes them. Let us be a part of her story, instead of someone just stopping by.

That last excerpt brings us to almost 500 words. I want to link you to a thread on the forums that I felt I learned a lot from. I am not a professional by any means, just someone who loves stories. However, here is a thread with a lot of great advice from a professional author on introductions.

https://www.wattpadwriters.com/t/the-golden-600-editing-service-the-reason-no-one-is-reading-your-book/91545

He talks about the golden 600, which is the amount of words the average editor reads before deciding. The first 600 words have a lot of responsibility. They must set the mood, hook the reader, and not only introduce but make the readers invested in your main characters. Your first 500 words feel more like an exposition than a story, with a lot of telling and almost no showing. I know almost nothing about Ren except she loves to work. There is some world building that I love, but it's all told in a less than whimsical way, more like you're listing off a bunch of facts than a tale of woven details.

Grammar + Punctuation: 7/10

Writing Style: 2.5/5

"It's voice nags your attention..."

It's a voice that nags your attention OR Its voice nags your attention -- It's = It is, Its = possessive

This is a very confusing sentence. I suggest you split it into two sentences. Grew less... than also doesn't feel right to me. Grew is usually something that becomes more, not less.

This excerpt is a great example of cluttered writing, as well as a source to help you declutter:  https://thewritelife.com/declutter-writing/

How does she know they had power and means to get information, information in what? There are so many words on the paper yet they all answer none of my questions. What's the point of adding these sentences? If it is to build suspense then I believe there are better, alternative methods.

Redundancy in saying dared to ask a question, and then adding she asked. You can choose one or the other.

Also, She does not have to be capitalized for "she asked." I've noticed a lot of confusion with dialogue tags vs action beats.

A dialogue tag is about how a character says something, for example, from your summary: he laughed, he murmured. The next word after a dialogue tag does not need to be capitalized unless it's a name or an official title, not even if it's a question mark or exclamation point.

Examples:

"What?" she yelled.

"I will not," said the man.

An action beat is a physical activity they do, and the next word is capitalized regardless.

Examples:

"Over there!" She pointed.

"I will not." The man shook his head.

I enjoyed the flashback scene to Benny meeting Ren. It was intimate and a great way to show some of their history. However, I was turned off by the ending statement of you telling us that's how Benny became attached to Ren, because you told us something you just showed us. It's good to let readers come to their own conclusions instead of being told everything. To reduce redundancy, from here on out I will refrain from commenting on the tips I've already mentioned, such as telling rather than showing, cluttered writing, and sentence structure, dialogue tags, etc.

I really enjoyed the descriptions at the end of chapter 1 about the pathways, and the beginning of chapter 2 did a much better job of showing with the descriptions!

Maintenance is misspelled: "by the maitenence ladder"

The first line of chapter 3, "Just to let you know, Ren," Benny mentioned ..., I find the word choice of mentioned to be awkward. I would consider revising.

I LOVE the first line of the excerpt below. In fact, I find this writing overall a million times better than the first chapter. It's engaging, a great show of the action and fear flashing by. Your use of metaphors, similes, and personification really bring the writing to life. I want you to know prior to this chapter I was planning to give writing style 1/5 but this chapter forced me to add points. My primary feedback would be to break this into two or three paragraphs to make it easier to read on wattpad platforms, especially the phone app.

What blows in the imaginary wind? The animals? The gold grass? Either way, I'm confused. Along with, usually connects two sentences but those first two sentences would probably be better off separated. You might be saying that the animals grazed on the grass along with the tres, or that something blew in the wind along with the trees, or those two completely different things are just happening along with each other. Not to mention giraffe stripped OFF its leaves -- but I don't know what that has to do with the first parts of the sentence. Definitely reconsider breaking that into multiple sentences.

Characterisation: 7/10

I was not a fan of Ren at first, but she grew on me. For the majority of the first chapter she seemed hardworking, which is a wonderful quality but fell sort of flat and boring amongst the telling of the first few chapters. I liked her curiosity, but her stickler attitude for rules seemed tiresome to me until you revealed that she was hiding a large secret. Also, her attitude was better explained through the showing of the culture of your world, which seemed to be very black and white, expecting obedience from their people. She felt flat to me up until her near death experience, which makes sense in the way that the experience brought her back to life. However, I also attribute that to the steep increase of quality of writing that allowed me to really be in that scene with her rather than just have it told to me. I want to know more about her past and her secrets, but I understand that her story will be unfolded with time.

I love Benny! He's a funny, charming old man. His jovial personality is a bright shining light in the dark world of rock you've painted. The fact that age is wearing on him but he's unable to retire due to their culture pulls on my heartstrings and makes me love him even more. He plays a great father figure to Ren. I love that he calls her girly. His fondness for her is contagious, making me see her in a better light as well.

Plot + Originality: 9/10

I don't really have a category for worldbuilding, I kind of just merge it with plot. However, your world was my favorite aspect of your story. I really loved the description of the spiral and the core, the lovely orchestra of mechanical noises and the never ending circle of pathways and rocky formation. It sounded like a magnificent wonder! Outside of the actual location, the political leadership you've introduced is fascinating. Grounded leadership, council members, and traveling downwards towards the ring. Everything is hinted with intrigue and mystery! I loved the creativity.

I prefer the parts of the narrative that leave more to the imagination, instead of explaining all at once. For example: Pal-Benjamin and Aut-Ren. I had no idea what this meant, but it added to the world building and made me more keen to find out. I enjoyed the brief mentions of the east coast, war, and wood, hints that they came from a world we once knew.

I feel that the quest Ren was given to infiltrate the Ambuloks is not a particularly unique one, but woven into your intricate world of detail if felt very fresh and vibrant. I think that your introduction needs some revision. I was almost completely uninterested in the story by the end of chapter 1, but like Ren, it really grew on me. It brought out my love of worldbuilding and mystery. However, the first half of the first chapter slows your story down and doesn't add much in terms of storytelling. The first five chapters are really just a transition, a build up to Ren getting to the meeting. In my opinion this type of intrigue building could work well in an actual book where you turn the pages, but on Wattpad it's so easy to just click out to another story. I think the beginning of the story would pack a stronger punch if you started with an event rather than Ren's thoughts, especially if the next few chapters are just of her traveling. You have to give the readers a strong hook and reason to stay.

OVERALL SCORE: 37/55

And, a quick note from ray_of_sunshine9 -- that is our 350th review from our community! Woohoo, team! Thank you for all your hard work!