Title: Shadow

Author: totally_not_nerdy

Reviewer: Ivy279

Title & Cover: 2/5

I read the first five chapters and I honestly have no idea why the story is called Shadow. It may be a reference to the fact she is a spy, but there was very little spy work done and she definitely did not shadow anyone. I have even less of an idea of why a flower would represent a spy story or a story called Shadow. However, the flower is beautiful, and I think the simple cover is eye-catching and elegant.

Summary: 1/5

Your summary does not tell me any information about the book. It starts with some semblance to a poem, with awkward punctuation. Then it dives into the middle of a conversation. The purpose is to build intrigue, but you left no information about either of the characters speaking. Who are these characters? Why should readers care about them? What kind of story should we expect? None of these questions are answered, and there are a couple of grammatical mistakes regarding dialogue tags vs actions beats: he murmured, he laughed. The "he" should not be capitalized.

Grammar + Punctuation: 4/5

There were a few more mistakes with dialogue tags, but overall it was fine. Grammar is not my forte, so I didn't notice too many jarring inaccuracies that would distract me from your primary storyline. Here are a few simple mistakes I spotted, but again I'm not an editor and I'm not great at catching overall grammar so I would recommend downloading grammarly to help with that.

Chapter 1: "It's more like an orchestra." ["It's" is the conjunction of it is, while "its" is the possessive form of the word.]

Chapter 4: "Good night." I waved to Vivian tiredly... [Action beat, not dialogue tag]

A dialogue tag is about how a character says something, for example, from your summary: he laughed, he murmured. The next word after a dialogue tag does not need to be capitalized unless it's a name or an official title, not even if it's a question mark or exclamation point.

Examples:

"What?" she yelled.

"I will not," said the man.

An action beat is a physical activity they do, and the next word is capitalized regardless.

Examples:

"Over there!" She pointed.

"I will not." The man shook his head.

"It's" is the conjunction of it is, while "its" is the possessive form of the word.

First Chapter Initial Impressions: 2/5

The first few sentences of your first chapter started strong, with time freezing, waves crashing, and your MC screaming. It hooks the attention but leads to a comedic anticlimactic conclusion as the reader realizes we're just talking about coffee stains. However, the remainder of the first chapter lacks the oomf that the first paragraph suggested.

We watch the MC go through a variety of interactions and briefly see her engage in surface-level relationships with friends and potential love interests. I was excited when she mentioned rank 10 because it displayed a level of detail of the organization that I thought would contribute to world-building... but it didn't. By the end of the chapter, I know little about the MC beyond the fact she's some sort of spy and she's never been to high school.

I'm supposed to be hooked to the plot of the spy investigating the gang member, but how can I be if there are no stakes. I don't feel personally connected to the story because I don't know enough about it to be intrigued. I don't feel emotionally invested in Aaliya. I want to know more about her, how she became a spy, what makes her different, what makes her important. I think you should also tell us more about why it's crucial to catch this gang member, and what it means to Aaliya specifically. 

Characterisation: 2/5

The same reason why I gave a low score to initial impressions is the reason I gave this 2/5. We just don't know enough about Aaliya. I know she's smart, likes science, top of her class in taekwondo, but so far it just feels like she's a mary sue. The only thing she's bad at seems to be everything that makes a decent spy, such as reflexes, athleticism, and strength. I want to know more background. What's her history and her past, what makes her behave the way that she does, what's important to her, what makes her tick, etc.

I lost count of how many characters you introduced in the first two chapters. I started getting names confused and characters mixed up, I suggest slowing down the speed you bring new characters in so that readers can get to know them without becoming overwhelmed. Also, is every single character crucial to the plot? There shouldn't be a million characters just for the sake of characters, each person should have a distinct role to play.

The only character that seems to have any personality is Vivian.

Writing Style: 3/5

Your writing is coherent and, again, grammatically correct for the most part. Showing rather than telling is something most writers struggle with. A great tip another author gave me was to limit the number of wases and adverbs I used to reduce telling. An example I took from your writing below is a classic info dump filled with telling. First, we must ask ourselves if this information is necessary to the plotline and what are we trying to achieve. Is this teacher going to be an important character, you already have so many characters that it's difficult to keep them all straight. Second, if he is necessary then we could show that he's sarcastic but genuine through his actions and dialogue instead of telling. The descriptions of him could be weaved more organically throughout the scene rather than a large dump of information.

Keep an eye out for repetition. You don't want to use the same word quickly in succession. It creates an awkward flow and shows laziness in word choice. For example:

Chapter 1: 

"I looked down, a huge brown stain ran down my white shirt." - "down" twice in one sentence.

It's the same with sentence structure, you don't want to be too repetitive. A variety of sentence structure allows for more vibrant and creative storytelling. You especially use "xyz, as xyz" often. For example, in the below blurb, out of the first five sentences in your narrative, three sentences follow the exact same structure.

And then right below, you start about 10 sentences in a row with "I did this, I did that, I did this" etc.

I would suggest breaking your longer, more convoluted sentences into multiple sentences. It makes it easier to read and understand. For example:

Plot + Originality: 2/5

There are some inconsistencies with your story. If she's trained most of her life I'd assume she'd be pretty independent and in shape. However, she seemed incompetent at basketball and overall reflexes, as well as not even being able to do something as simple as getting out of Josh's grip in the parking lot. She's spending a lot of time doing pretty much everything other than the actual mission and doesn't seem very dedicated to finding answers.

The further I got into the story the more I forgot why we were there to start with. You introduced and promised a spy story in the first chapter, and we do almost nothing spy-related until chapter 4, and even then it's just the basics of getting to know Riley through class projects. She doesn't even want to work with Riley, and if not forced as partners she would have had no interaction with him. This shows a lack of focus and dedication to accomplish her mission, which is unlikely for a spy who's been trained her whole life.

The interactions she does have with him are rude and anything but friendly, despite her specific mission being to "befriend" him. We still don't know anything more about Aaliya's spy background or Riley's criminal background. This is written more like your basic high school story than a spy story thus far.

OVERALL SCORE: 16/35

Your first chapter is on the longer side, it could be broken into two chapters. Wattpad data suggests that readers are more keen on chapters that are 2k words or less. Of course, that is ultimately up to you and is a style choice.

There are many different kinds of stories out there. Some stories are written for the audience with the goal to either entertain, inform, or get a distinct message across. Some stories are written for the author, and I believe this is one of them. There is nothing wrong with those types of stories, I have a story here on wattpad where I write mostly for my own entertainment.

In your author's notes you mentioned that Aaliya is similar to you in a variety of ways. Therefore, I believe that this story is mostly you writing about fun events you wish would happen to you. Who doesn't want to be in a reverse harem, being the center of attention of a bunch of boys? However, there are some plot and character development in order to make it just as enjoyable to outside readers.

I hope you take this review lightly and keep in mind that we are all trying to improve to the best of our abilities. Your writing shows a lot of promise and reminds me a lot of how I used to write when I first started. I wish you the best in your future endeavors!