Title: Wings of Storm

Author: draphy

Reviewer: GnomeMercy

Summary: 5/5

That's a fantastic summary you've got there. It really, really intrigued me—and I was super excited to dive right in! I read over it many times, and there wasn't really anything I could say to improve about it! However, there was one little tweak I, personally, would have made—but it's something that's pretty small and unimportant:

But if a butterfly's wings can bring thunderstorms, then his every breath is a flap that it flies, his every heartbeat a danger to those around him.

Firstly, I adore the fact that this links to the butterfly in your cover and your title, it's a great way to wrap it all up together. Secondly, I'd actually put a semicolon after "flies" like so:

But if a butterfly's wings can bring thunderstorms, then his every breath is a flap that it flies; his every heartbeat a danger to those around him.

Semicolons are used when, and I quote, "a punctuation mark (;) indicating a pause, typically between two main clauses, that is more pronounced than that indicated by a comma". When I first read the sentence with a comma, it did sound a little off, but this is just a small suggestion. 

I absolutely adore the summary, and I'm very excited to read on!

[ray_of_sunshine9 here to say that I, personally, would use a dash instead, since that second clause isn't really independent. A semicolon would also be fine, since, these days, writers use incomplete sentences anyways for emphasis. As a bit of a traditionalist, I'd consider: 

But if a butterfly's wings can bring thunderstorms, this his every breath is a flap that it flies -- his every heartbeat a danger to those around him.]

Grammar: 3/5

In general, your grammar was impeccable; you certainly knew what you were doing! There were some moments that I felt it needed to be corrected, but there weren't that many.

One of your main issues was commas. Commas are really hard, so I understand, but there were some times where I had a hard time reading a sentence due to a lack of comma. One example would be:

Nine going on ten years old.

(This is from Chapter 1.1.) This is a small error—and I'm being really picky—but it would be easier to read if it were written as:

Nine, going on ten, years old.

Another example: 

The kids yelled at the nearest ones to catch it and screamed in bravado as they tried just that.

It can be a bit hard to read sentences that are long without any commas, so I suggest you add one here:

The kids yelled at the nearest ones to catch it, and screamed in bravado as they tried just that.

This is just so it is an easier read.

A small error I found: 

'But I need my free time,' My voice croaked, and my throat closed in too tight to continue.

You forgot to change the comma to a period, and you're missing a comma (which could also be a semicolon). I think you meant:

'But I need my free time.' My voice croaked, and my throat closed in, too tight to continue.

This error happened a few times, so I suggest you do a quick reread and edit to find them. It is incorrect to use a comma at the end of dialogue and then capitalise as, if you use a comma, it technically means the sentence is continuing. This was an error I saw often in chapter 3.3, especially. The proper way to punctuate dialogue like this is in this example, also taken from your story (Chapter 6.1):

'I'm sure it'll work out fine.' She patted my shoulder.

Another dialogue/verbal tag error I saw was this:

'Tahro.' called out a girl's voice as I made to follow the Supervisor along the corridor.

I see there is a problem with verbal tags (basically anything like "she said", "they stated", he welcomed"), and they're super hard to get right—so you're not alone. It is incorrect to use a period at the end of dialogue (unless it is not a verbal tag), and it's also incorrect not to capitalise after a period. It should be a comma instead:

'Tahro,' called out a girl's voice as I made to follow the Supervisor along the corridor.

This is because dialogue is technically part of a sentence, and should be treated like that. If you have any questions on verbal tags, and punctuation in dialogue, feel free to ask me!

Another error from Chapter 7.2:

'I was meditating. not sleeping,' I said, removing any bite from my voice before it escaped.

I think you meant a comma, instead of a period, like so:

'I was meditating, not sleeping,' I said, removing any bite from my voice before it escaped.

In this sentence, you were missing a period at the end:

'Tahro, want to spar?' asked Kei

I think you meant:

'Tahro, want to spar?' asked Kei.

I saw this happening a handful of times, so I suggest you do a bit of a reread to catch them.

I saw a small tense error in Chapter 12.1:

I wasn't sure what the best strategy would be. If there were eighteen keys, then there must be six sets of the three kinds of metal. ["Wasn't" = "was not" (past tense).]

And there are eighteen squads in the competition. ["Are" (present tense—past tense is "were").]

Overall, you know the fundamentals, but there are minuscule errors and some dialogue errors—but these can be solved with a quick edit.

Characters: 5/5

What can I say? Characters were definitely one of your many strong points. Tahro was definitely one of my favourites—his inner monologue, how he acted his age. I could feel everything about him, and it was amazing to read about a main character that isn't flat and boring!

The other characters were super cool, too. Yuuhei (god I hope I spelt that right) was one of the best; he was the sweetest and very realistic. The relationship between him and Tahro felt 3D and something that I could believe in. (Also, I hate his mother and hope she becomes a better person—that woman needs to calm down.)

Both squads were super fun to read about, and the tournament had me hooked! I love that Tahro doesn't get a hundred percent—but ninety-eight, which is still amazing. Also, I love Kaede! She seems like such a cool person, and I loved the description of her eyes!

These characters really brought your world to life, and I'd love to know more about them and see them develop!

Writing Style: 4.5/5

Your writing style was definitely one of the many things that made me enjoy this story so much! Everything was shown well, and nothing was info-dumped or told. I loved the way people's appearances were described. For example, Kaede's eyes. The focus on that seemed realistic as that would be something people would notice in real life, too.

In fact, descriptions were done very well. I would have loved a little more description with settings—but a great example of that would be the first chapter in the book store. That was wonderful description, and I could really picture it clearly in my eyes. This is a super small problem, though, and I'm being a little nit-picky.

I honestly think you had a fantastic writing style and reading was extremely fun!

Plot + Originality: 5/5

This has to be one of my favourite plots! I loved the thought of it being a letter, and, in the deleted prologue, I loved that he said it could be "fictional" if anyone asked (that tiny crack in the fourth wall was fun).

I absolutely adored the premise of him having two minds and jumping between worlds. Honestly, the cast really brightened the whole world and made it such a fun read! I had a very minuscule problem, which is probably subjective anyway, but the chapter where he first went to Saishuu Riku (when he was ten) and the little transition was a little confusing—but that's probably just me.

OVERALL SCORE: 22.5/25

Overall, this is such a wonderful story! It has intruiging characters, a realistic protagonist, a beautiful plot, and amazing worldbuilding! With a quick edit, you'll be able to clean up some small grammar errors! Once finished, I'd definitely love read this story. You have a talent for writing, so keep doing it! I hope this helps.