Title: The Kiss List

Author: WriterKidWhiz

Reviewer: GnomeMercy 

Summary: 3/5

Overall, you have a great summary. It introduces everything you need in one, and mentions your problem, too. However, I did have some problems with it.

While it's nice you talk about Carrie's friends' personalities, it isn't necessary. Always make sure you put in the information (for the summary) that is needed—and nothing more or less.

You could just say:

She isn't popular, and only has two friends: Jane and Brianna.

I also noticed a tense change:

They have a sleepover... ("have" is present tense)

...where they ended up making a Kiss List... ("ended up" is past tense)

Make sure you keep tenses consistent!

Lastly, you never mention who Marcus really is (is it Carrie's brother? Uncle? Dad?—from what I could gather, he's her brother) before mentioning him in your blurb. It's important you do so, because I didn't know who he was.

However, nice job ending it off with rhetorical questions! They made me want to read more and find the answers to them.

Grammar: 3/5

Overall, you do know some grammar. You're not too bad in general, but there are some problems. But I got most of them down, so I hope this helps!

Firstly, this is quite a small error, but (-) is a hyphen. It's used to connect to words (e.g. blue-eyed). In cases like this—when you want to use it instead of a comma—it should be either an em dash (—) (--) or an en dash (–), which is just a longer version of a hyphen (it makes it clearer what you want to use it for).

Also, this is a recurring issue, but I noticed that—throughout your entire story—there were a lot of tense changes.

For example:

It was one... ("was" is in past tense.)

...I've had it for a long time, now. ("I've" is an abbreviation for "I have" which, in this case, is in present tense.)

This is a one-time "error", but I noticed you wrote "eff"—like a censor for the "f" word—however, that is informal and not really necessary.—it loses professionalism, but I am being a bit nit-picky.

"?!" is actually grammatically incorrect. Depending on the sentence, it should be either "?" or "!". I suggest choosing the one that suits the story more and using it.

Also, if the same speaker is speaking, keep it on the same line—it doesn't need to be on its own.

In this sentence, you don't need to capitalise the "h" on "he" as it is a verbal tag (he said, she replied, they stated, etc, etc) and, hence, part of a sentence.

"Food waste is not allowed!" He reminded me, like I needed to know.

It should be:

"Food waste is not allowed!" he reminded me, like I needed to know.

Speaking of verbal tags, I noticed that, after the first chapter, you had a lot of these:

"Oh yeah. Then Bri should get here soon, too." She said.

A period (full stop) marks the end of a sentence, and verbal tags are part of a sentence (technically). Putting a period at the end of dialogue and then having a verbal tag after is grammatically incorrect. It should be:

"Oh yeah. Then Bri should get here soon, too," she said.

(This is the last dialogue related grammar error.) Here is an example from your story:

She saluted and replied, "no problemo."

Now, this is only a problem as this is the beginning of her dialogue. Hence, the "n" on "no" should be capitalised.

It can be either:

She saluted and replied, "No problemo."

Or:

She saluted and replied: "No problemo."

Or even:

She saluted. "No problemo."

Lastly, I want to talk about the difference between "your" and "you're". "Your" is possessive; that's your phone. That's your story.

"You're" on the other hand, is an abbreviation for "you are". For example: you're sorry. You're smart.

Overall, your grammar does need some work—and you need to watch out for typos—but you do know the basics, so good job!

Characters: 3/5

Overall, your characters weren't very realistic—and I'll explain why in writing style and plot. But there were some characters I enjoyed, too.

Firstly, I think Carrie was an alright character. Usually, main characters aren't very special, but I liked her quirks and her tendencies. I found the fact that she only ate healthy was interesting—and I wonder if that was foreshadowing for something? Either way, Carrie was one of my favourites as she felt more realistic than the others.

Brianna was interesting, too, as her temperament issues were something I'd never seen before. Her betrayal of Carrie was not surprising—but it was done decently well. I felt the same way with Jane—I think her betrayal was done well, too. I saw it coming, but in a good way. I thought Jane would stay with Carrie for longer, so it was surprising to see her betray Carrie, but, at the same time, I kind of expected it of her?

Brett and Jacob were characters I found were really flat. For example, Brett was... well, he wasn't anything. From Carrie's personality, I thought she'd like boys who were nice and not handsome—but Brett was a real jerk. He did nothing nice, and I found their conversations to be quite robotic and cliché. He's the popular jerk, and she's the average girl. I would have loved something more of him because I felt he was a clichéd character.

Jacob actually seemed alright. I didn't find him special or anything, but when it turned out he was a player (and that entire waitress fiasco) I found myself being a bit sceptical. I didn't like him either—and Carrie's reaction to finding out about it was a bit dramatic. They weren't really on a date, and she'd only known him a short while, so why care so much?

I feel like this is a recurring problem with your characters. There wasn't any development happening. Relationships jumped levels—for example, there should have been some talk about the relationship between Jacob and Carrie. They can't be "friends-that-like-each-other-a-bit" in a week. I would have loved to know more about their friendship, and then, when it transitions into something more, it would have felt realistic Carrie's reaction would have felt much more realistic.

Overall, I think development is something that is missing from your story—and once that's actually there, this could be an amazing story!

Writing Style: 3/5

This actually ties in with my problem with your characters. There wasn't really any development. Everything was sort of told to us, and things weren't paced very well, either. For example, the sleepover at the beginning of the story.

Everything went very quickly in that sleepover. I think it would have been better if you described some of the things they did first—like eating or chatting—before they made a kiss list, because it would have felt more realistic than Jane declaring they should make one out of nowhere when she comes.

Overall, I would have loved some more depth into everything. There wasn't any descriptions, and pacing was slightly off (more on that later). This story needs a bit more fleshing out—take your time with chapters and really explain everything in a clear way. Let character development seem a bit more realistic—filler chapters may not seem so important, but they really help with development.

Plot + Originality: 3.5/5

I actually really liked the idea of a kiss list! I think it was such a cool idea—definitely way better than a good-girl-bad-boy scenario. I think that it gave the story more depth. And made it less of a teen fiction cliché.

My only problem (as mentioned above) was development and pacing. I've already talked about development quite a bit.

Pacing is basically how fast or how slow your story is going. Slower stories are harder to get into, but if your story is too fast-paced, then it's hard to actually feel for the characters. I believe your story is going a bit too fast.

Relationships aren't given enough time to blossom, and problems are coming and being solved just as fast.

An example I'd like to mention here is Marcus. Before he runs away, we have no idea about Carrie's dad (or Liam, as she calls him). We're only introduced to him after Marcus runs away, which makes it seem a little unrealistic. If you had, for example, talked about the dad (and his relationship with Marcus himself, and Carrie and their mom) beforehand, it would have made much more sense when Marcus ran away.

Slowing down the story would give it a lot more meaning (don't make it too slow, obviously). I think it needs some more time to flesh out and grow, no matter how many chapters it needs. 

OVERALL SCORE: 15.5/25

In conclusion, you have a lovely story with lots of potential. I can definitely see it growing into something amazing. However, it is in need of some grammar corrections and development. If you gave your characters and world more meaning, I think this would be a lovely story anyone could enjoy. I hope this helps a bit! I've tired my best to explain, but if you have an questions, I'll be happy to assist you. (Sorry this took a while.)