Title: Origin

Author: KatyBizi

Reviewer: GnomeMercy

Summary: 3/5

While your summary does have everything there (characters, setting, stakes, and your dilemma), it is phrased a little awkwardly which makes it a little hard to understand when reading it through the first time.

Here is your summary:

Kristy is a normal girl but why do weird things happen to her? From unusual dreams to weird incidents like unexplained fires. She hopes moving to the town of Dragony will finally give her the normal life she has been wishing for. However things do not go the way she wants them to.

A whole new world is unraveling in front of Kristy but where does she fit in all this?

Grammatically speaking, some parts do require commas. Here's a corrected version (commas in bold):

Kristy is a normal girl, but why do weird things happen to her? From unusual dreams to weird incidents, like unexplained fires. She hopes moving to the town of Dragony will finally give her the normal life she has been wishing for. However, things do not go the way she wants them to.

A whole new world is unraveling in front of Kristy, but where does she fit in all this?

This just makes it more concise. The phrasing makes it a little harder to understand, for example, you could go more into detail about why she's normal (it is a little contradicting to say she's a "normal girl" and saying straight after weird things happen to her—as that isn't technically "normal"). I actually would advise against using the phrase "normal girl" as it is an extremely overused phrase in blurbs. You also repeat "weird" in the first and second sentence, try using a synonym instead, as the current state makes it a redundant sentence.

The sentence "from unusual dreams to weird to weird incidents like unexplained fires" sounds incomplete maybe you could add (changes in bold):

From unusual dreams to abnormal incidents, like unexplained fires, Kristy's hit with a lot of problems. She hopes moving to...

Note: this is just a suggestion (albeit pretty bad), you can change it however you like.

I really liked the ending question, as it draws the reader in. Other than the things I mentioned you have a very interesting blurb! Well done!

Grammar: 2.5/5

While you definitely knew your basics, there were still some things that needed work. Don't worry, though, I'm here to help you.

Let's start with the most obvious: typos. There were quite a few. You can find them if you reread your story (so I suggest you do a quick edit). It was usually the wrong conjugation of a word, which you should be able to spot easily.

I also noticed you misused apostrophes. That's okay, because it's the most commonly misused punctuation—so you're not alone—but I'll show you some mistakes and how to correct them. The error I saw most commonly was using the wrong "it's" and "its". "Its" is used for things belonging to animals and objects. Like: "Its fur was red", for example. "It's" is short for "it is" or "it has". So, a trick to help you when you're confused, is to always read the sentence using "it is/has". If it sounds weird, it's probably the right time to use "its". If it works, use "it's".

Another thing I saw was that, sometimes, two different people spoke in the same line. When the person saying the dialogue changes to someone else, always go to another line. I saw you broke this rule sometimes, so I recommend you go back and clean it up. However, this doesn't apply for reported speech.

This was rare, but I also noticed some tense slips. Your original narration was in past tense, so make sure everything else is written in past tense, too!

Lastly, I noticed some small verbal tag (that's basically anything like "she said", "they replied") errors. It seemed as if you knew your basic rules, but there were some slips. Remember that for commas, question/exclamation marks, and dashes, there's no need to capitalise the verbal tag after (except for names). If there's a period at the end of the dialogue, there cannot be a verbal tag after. This applies to non-verbal tags in a similar way—if there's a comma at the end of speech [non-applicable to (?, !, -, —, --, and –)] you have to have a verbal tag, you cannot have a comma and a non-verbal tab.

Other than these errors, you had a pretty clean story. I saw a lot of recurring errors (and some problems with commas—specifically in earlier chapters) so I recommend you try to reread your story and find them all!

Characters: 3/5

While you had quite a handful of characters, I definitely think they could have been pronounced and developed a bit more. I did love the worldbuilding and lore, and I enjoyed the descriptions of their appearances, but remember characters are so much more than that, too!

Here are some things I noticed:

When Kristy introduces her mom and dad, she tells us a lot about them—and herself, too. It's all info-dumped. This is something I noticed quite a bit: try showing your characters' personality traits through the things they do, their beliefs and opinions, their ambitions, instead of outright telling it in the story. This improves your overall writing quality and helps the reader formulate their own thoughts on your character.

Another thing I noticed was that Lanny and Jenny, however short their part was, were extremely clichéd. They didn't seem realistic to me (neither did Marissa and Veronica) as Kristy, the narrator, immediately assumed their personalities and didn't let them give her an impression before judging them (or in Lanny and Jenny's case, didn't let the audience figure out their personalities and instead just told everything). As well as that, the dialogue seemed robotic and a bit unrealistic, so I recommend you always try to think if what your characters say are something you would hear someone actually tell you.

Lastly, Kristy was extremely "special". This is a trait a lot of characters have, where they're the only one with a specific power, or the last of their race. I think it would have been cool to see more of a reaction from her—especially when she was told she was a queen—instead of just a "what?". In the real world, you'd probably be in shock. Then you'd start to think of how much stress it takes to be a ruler, too. If you want to make your character special, make sure to make their reactions realistic, too, so the audience can connect with them more.

I think there are some things to work on in terms of development and fleshing out your characters, but I really liked that there wasn't much romance at all (with the exception of one to-be couple) in this story and you, instead, had close friendships! Well done, that was very refreshing to see!

Writing Style: 2/5

While your story was quite interesting, and I liked the idea of all the dimensions! Well done with the worldbuilding. There are some things I thought you could work on, however.

Firstly, I noticed that you had similar sentence structures, specially in the beginning. There were shorter sentences, with no need for commas. They also had similar beginnings (subject + verb) which made it a little stilted to read. Here's an example:

I had...

I began...

I looked...

While it's okay when it's done a couple of times, when it's done thrice or more, it gets a bit noticeable. I recommend you switch up sentence structures and beginnings to create a more mixed writing style—which makes it easier to read and improves the overall quality.

There was also a lot of redundant sentences. That's basically where you repeat a similar word/phrase twice within the same sentence or paragraph. Here's an example:

Although if there were superpowers, I would love some that would help me clean my room. I sighed and started cleaning my room.

To solve this problem, try rephrasing the sentence or using synonyms (although, make sure the synonym works with the sentence as not all synonyms can be interchangeable with each other).

The biggest problem, and I've mentioned this previously, was that everything was told. That means the worlds had been info-dumped, character traits had been simply explained in the story without evidence, emotions didn't feel quite as realistic, and descriptions sounded a little like lists. That's okay, because many writers (and even some published authors) do that, so you're not alone! To solve this problem, show things. For example, if your character is sad, don't say "sad". Think about the things you would do if you were sad: like hanging your head, crying, having a frown. Describe this in your writing to show that your character is feeling that way. Another example would be descriptions. If, for example, the mountains are tall, don't outright say they're tall. Maybe say things like, "they touched the clouds", or something. A great way to practice this is to try to describe something without saying the word.

Lastly, and this is kind of more grammar-related than writing style, but I'll put it here, "anyways" is technically grammatically incorrect. It should actually be "anyway". While "anyways" is informal, and can be used in dialogue, try to refrain from being too informal in the actual prose.

I think you have quite a good writing style—although there are some small things to work on. Don't be discouraged, however, as these are things many people do and can be easily solved!

Plot + Originality: 3.5/5

Generally speaking, the "normal-girl-meets-new-world-and-species" has been done before, but I liked your spin on it! I was interested in the worlds, and their histories! I did have a few things to point out, however.

Firstly, the dark queen was only mentioned once at the beginning and isn't in the story at all. She's mentioned a little at the end, too, but not really. She doesn't really do anything to the protagonists that make her the enemy (with the exception of the ending). She's simply labelled as the bad guy from the start. Perhaps she could send more monsters after them; maybe she could ruin important cities. If you really want to pull at your readers' heartstrings, she could even kill off an important character. This way, people will be more inclined to dislike her, and feel as if she's a nemesis that deserves punishment.

Also, there isn't really much of a dilemma in your story. Kristy is introduced to everything, makes a couple of friends, and then has a fight with Marissa at the end. I think you might want to add more things to the plot and see where it goes, but that's just a small suggestion.

OVERALL SCORE: 14/25

While there are some things to work on, I believe you have a very interesting premise. I believe it can be taken further, and developed a little more. There are also a few grammar errors to work on, but I can see a lot of potential! Well done. I hope this helps!