Title: Kids Playing Soldiers

Author: __A__Poets__Heart__

Reviewer: GnomeMercy

Summary: 4/5

While I think the quote you used is very nice, there is nothing else there. Since this is a story, it should have a proper description instead of just a quote. You have a synopsis chapter inside the book (which I'll talk about soon), but I suggest that is put in the description and not inside the story.

On the subject of the synopsis, I think it's lovely. It's so mysterious, but it's really interesting, too. The only sentences I found (that I thought was a bit informal—if I want to be nit-picky) was:

Wonderland suffered a great tragedy in a catastrophic situation caused by two fighting scientists. These scientists caused a disaster known as toxicus de mori nox. The death of the world, in a toxic night.

The problem here is that the first two sentences technically repeat itself. In a synopsis, you should only give enough information—anything more or extra isn't really needed. I suggest changing it to something along these lines:

Wonderland suffered a great tragedy known as toxicus de mori nox. The death of the world in—a toxic night.

This way, it's much more concise and clearer. (I put the em dash because I felt the comma looked a bit off.)

Another sentence I saw was this:

Red? 

Or

White?

I think it would be grammatically correct to write it like:

Red or white?

(Though I understand what you were trying to achieve with that.)

Overall, a lovely synopsis, but it would have been more impactful if it was outside of the book instead of inside (this is so people who are thinking of reading it have an idea of what the book is about).

Grammar: 3/5

Overall your grammar was mostly correct and it made your writing that much more clearer and easier to read! Well done!

However, there were some sentences that I believed were a bit too complex and were in need of other punctuation.

For example:

And so, in secret, with the world's government watching them, they built a system that created children with no emotions, no thoughts of their own, who grew faster, but lived longer, the perfect soldiers.

Firstly, there are quite a lot of commas used here. There is a lot of other punctuation you can use that are similar to commas. Brackets () and em/en dashes (—) (--) (–). Semicolons can be used as well—but they're different to commas and have their own set of rules. (Keep in mind that you can always end the sentence and start a new one, too.)

A simpler way to write this would be:

And so, in secret—with the world's government watching them—they built a system that created children with no emotions, no thoughts of their own. Children who grew faster, but lived longer; the perfect soldiers.

(Also, sometimes "Toxicus de Mori Nox" wasn't capitalised, so try to keep it consistent.) Also, the first sentence kind of contradicts itself. How can they build something in secret when they're being watched? I mean, it's possible, but it might need some more elaborating needed.

Usually, your use of commas was pretty good. However, there were times when the were unnecessary and didn't need to be there. An example:

Approval was emotion but, Lia knew she had done a good job.

It should be:

Approval was emotion but Lia knew she had done a good job.

However, the biggest grammatical error throughout your story was tense changes. Sometimes, the story was written in present tense, other times it slipped and became past. This was prominent in chapters 1 and 2, but then the story became past tense after. To solve this, all you need is a quick reread, and you'll be able to find them.

Sometimes, there would be two spaces after a period, and in the chapter "White", I noticed this:

" I'm late, I'm late," he hissed.

These can be cleaned up with an edit, but you need to be a bit careful to find them.

"?!" is actually grammatically incorrect—and I saw this being used in dialogue (in the chapter "Run"). Depending on the situation, you should use only one—whichever you see fit, of course. ("!!" "?????" are incorrect, too.)

Overall, grammar was alright. It does need some work, so I suggest you do a quick edit to clean it up.

Characters: [no score - will not be added to final score]

Since chapters were quite small, I didn't get too much out of your characters. The writing was also extremely fast paced (more on that later), which didn't leave much to be shown.

However, I loved the tone of mystery to the White Queen's past, and Eight seemed like such an interesting character. My only wish is that these lovely characters could be developed more. Some barely got a few sentences (I'll explain more on that later) of description and explanation, but that is understandable considering the size and amount of chapters you had.

However, I believe they could have had more to them, and I will discuss the root of this problem in writing style.

Writing Style: 3/5

I hate to give your writing a low score, because it was honestly very good. (The prologue was quite possibly my favourite chapter as it was so mysterious and intriguing!) However, as chapters went on, the writing got increasingly fast-paced.

Let's take the White Queen's chapter for example. She isn't really explained beforehand (just a little when you talk about the two sides and their fight), and I got nothing about her character before you got into the action.

Authors do this sometimes. They throw new characters into an action-packed scene as a way of introducing them to the readers—however, these scenes usually last a chapter and sets the groundwork for the actual plot. Here, it felt as if we were thrown into the dilemma of the story instantly, as this lasted a few chapters and felt as it was leading on to something. I suggest introducing your characters properly first. I would have loved to know more about Eight, for example. What does she do as a daily routine? What is her relationship with everyone? Nothing was really explained about her, and if it was, the information was dumped on us.

It did feel as if we got to the dilemma very quickly. (If that wasn't the actual big dilemma, you might still want to read on because I still felt as if it went a bit too quickly.)

You have to introduce everything properly first. And really describe the world they're living in and the characters they are. Don't info-dump everything on us, though. A subtle way to give information—for example: a memory or a back story—would be to either make it a dream, or maybe make the characters do something that makes them think about it.

A technique used in one of my favourite fantasy stories (scratch that, it's my absolute favourite) is that the author splits the memory in half—so that not all of it is told at once. And you have chapters in between the two halves so that it's not told all at once.

Other than it being a bit too fast-paced, I think your writing is very good. I loved the short sentences you used.—it was very effective! The plot was just moving too fast, and that affected your writing as there wasn't enough time to describe your scene and setting. You also could dump information at times, but I only saw that in the first chapter (and maybe Eight's chapter). I understand that beginnings are hard to do, and you might have so many ideas you can't write them all quick enough, but if you slow down the pace of your story and let your world grow I think you'll have a lovely and exhilarating story in your hands!

Plot + Originality: 4/5

I already talked about the pacing (a lot) in writing style (as I felt it was more suited to be there), so I'll just talk about the plot overall.

I honestly adored it. I loved the concept you had. And two sides that were fighting. I would have loved to know more about the pawns and their lifestyle, but this is just the beginning of the story so that's okay.

I think this is such a wonderful (see what I did here?) twist on the story of Wonderland, and I can't wait to see all the beloved characters make their appearance later on. I can't say much here, just that you have a great plot—but everything does need to be explained and fleshed out a little more. I don't want to go in depth because I did that already, but I think you have a lovely plot.

OVERALL SCORE: 14/20

You have amazing groundwork for your story, and I can see it becoming an amazing ride, but it does need to be fleshed out and developed a bit better. Beginnings are hard to do, but once you've got it, it's so much more fun to continue on and keep writing. I think you have lots of talent, and I can't wait to see how this story sets off. I hope this helps!