Title: Hidden Friends

Author: GaeaValdez222

Reviewer: GnomeMercy

Summary: 3/5

In general, I think you have an interesting summary! It isn't too long, but it gets its point across. I'd recommend not using "P.S" in your summary (for the sake of professionalism) and, instead, write those extra facts on a paragraph of their own.

I also think you might want to elaborate more on a "deadly plan", as now, I have no idea why this plan is deadly, and why it might affect the lives of those in the CG Realm. It would make me feel a little more inclined to feel more sorry or worried for the Cell Gods if I knew what that "plan" would do.

In terms of grammar, it was pretty clean, so well done! There wasn't anything I could see that was wrong with it, in terms of grammar, so well done!

Overall, an interesting summary. You might want to clean up the ending and elaborate more on the "deadly plan", but other than that it was an interesting summary!

Grammar: 3/5

In terms of grammar, there weren't too many issues, but I did see some:

In 0(?):

It was an orange-haired girl with a height of around 4.33 inches She wore a long...

I think it was supposed to have a full stop:

It was an orange-haired girl with a height of around 4.33 inches. She wore a long...

And in the same chapter:

"The worlds, will collide," the one called Friendliness agreed.

In this sentence, the comma after "worlds" is actually unnecessary. It should be:

"The worlds will collide," the one called Friendliness agreed.

If you wanted to show a pause, I suggest putting an ellipses (dot dot dot) instead.

For the sake of professionalism, I also suggest you actually write out the numbers (for example, write 4 as "four"). This is just so that it looks and feels more professionally done.

When you want to put emphasis on a word, you usually capitalise. Take the example:

She was WAY younger than them...

It makes it seem as if it was shouted at by someone, and is kind of surprising. I usually would italicise the word (that's making it slanted, basically), for the same reason as above (professionalism).

Here is another error:

I'll just have to go along with it and hope they don't learn the truth about me. She decided.

This is an error as thoughts work in a similar way dialogue does; they're part of a sentence. And if you put a period, but a verbal tag (or, in this case, a non-verbal tag, I suppose), it is technically grammatically incorrect. I suggest you change it to:

I'll just have to go along with it and hope they don't learn the truth about me, she decided.

I loved that you actually wrote the names out in their original language (and translated it in brackets). It was a cool thing to do, but sometimes brackets would not have a close bracket—or, there wasn't a space between the word and the bracket. I suggest trying to clean that up [I noticed errors similar to this in 1(?) so I suggest you clean that up].

There were a handful of tense errors, so I'll show you an example:

She knew what Lizzy was talking about... ["Was" and "knew" is past tense.]

...it's a secret that she... ["It's" is an abbreviation for "it is", which means it is in present tense, "it was" would be the past tense version.]

In this sentence, I think you meant a period instead of a comma:

"Light Enhancers, 1, 2, 3, Let the sun shine bright, even in the darkest of times!"

I think you meant:

"Light Enhancers, 1, 2, 3. Let the sun shine bright, even in the darkest of times!"

On an additional note (I'm not sure if this is a grammar or writing style error, but I'll put it in here), putting ANs in the middle of dialogue or paragraphs isn't very professional and looks a little messy and cluttered. I recommend you show what it does (for example, when there was an AN about "Spreading") or what it is, instead of putting an author's note in the middle of text.

"?!" is actually grammatically incorrect, and, depending on the situation, you should chose to use either a "?" or "!". Using both or multiple of each is incorrect.

You should try and remember "new speaker, new line", because there were some times where you didn't have a new line fora speaker, and writing: "..." is actually not really correct due to the fact that there is only punctuation in that dialogue and not speech.

Also, on the topic of ellipses (...), there should be only three dots—not two, or four, or six. I understand the emphasis purpose, but it is grammatically incorrect.

Your level of grammar did slip after chapter eighteen and nineteen. I found some more typos and spacing issues, so I suggest you edit them (as well as that, there were some paragraphing problems).

Overall, you did have a few grammar problems, but, in general, you did pretty well. I suggest you do a reread and edit to clean up some of the mistakes. There were also some typos that needed to be cleaned up.

Characters: 2.5/5

In terms of characters, I think you did a pretty decent job. I loved the idea of the minor gods, and Skeletal's storyline was amazing. Their backgrounds were definitely interesting, but I did feel as if they weren't flesh out enough, and somethings just made it a little unrealistic. I'd like to go through them all here:

The LEs.

Now, this directly relates to the Light Enhancers, and not the Cell Gods, but all of the LEs were extremely young. I believe Kai was the youngest (at age eight). They all acted extremely mature for their age, and, realistically, they wouldn't be allowed to run around places without seeming weird. Their parents are also non-existent. Living alone at such young ages (such as twelve and eleven) is extremely rare in this day and age, and they all had jobs, too. Professional jobs. I recommend you make them a little older (possibly sixteen or eighteen), just to make it seem a little more realistic—or, perhaps, making them act a little more like their age. A big part of this was dialogue, which I'll discuss now.

Speech. 

Another thing I found a little unrealistic was the way your characters spoke. It was a little robotic, and, in some cases, either extremely mature or childish. The LEs always spoke in ways that were way too mature for their age, but the CGs spoke in a little bit of a childish manner. What I mean is, don't they have decades of experience as they live for extremely long lifespans? They speak in a simplistic sort of way, to each other and to the LEs. Considering the Light Enhancers' age, I could understand that, but I did feel as if the CGs could have spoken in a much more mature and grown-up manner. A way to do this is by using more complex words in their speech and not explaining every single detail on the spot. When you're speaking to anyone—at any age—you always let your listener figure smaller things out for themselves instead of telling every single detail. Explaining everything about their kind in one go was a lot of info-dumping, and the additional details added to the amount.

In terms of the LEs, their manner of speaking was extremely similar to that of the Cell Gods, which isn't supposed to be the case as the Light Enhancers are much, much younger than them. The LEs know things someone their age normally wouldn't, and they use words and phrases a human child of that age wouldn't normally use. I suggest you try to make dialogue seem a little more realistic and more fitting to each character's age and experience. It is also a little robotic, and that's because everything is told in one go—not letting the reader have a chance to figure it out themselves.

Backstories. 

In general, I adored the little backstories and histories these characters had. They were unique and interesting, but they weren't really told in a way they could have been if you wanted to achieve more power.

For example, when they explained how they all became friends (I believe this was in Bloody or Chilly's point of view), it simply stated that she was sad that everyone was prejudiced against her, but the she found her friends and she was happy. It doesn't go into enough detail on how they met and trusted each other, and how they helped her. I suggest you add more details to their past to make it seem more realistic. If something important happens in someone's life, they usually remember quite a lot of it—especially smaller, unimportant details. Thinking of the way someone would remember an event realistically can help with creating a more realistic flashback and concept.

There is another problem I had, but I'll discuss it more in "Plot + Originality" as it links to some issues I had there, as well.

Writing Style: 2/5

In terms of writing style, there were a handful of problems, but that's okay—because writing is really, really hard.

A main problem of mine was dialogue. I've already mentioned it a lot in "Characters", but it was quite unrealistic. There was a lot of "we chorus" or "we all said together"—which is actually something that, in real life, doesn't really happen often. People usually have different answers and reactions, to things. Also, dialogue never really let the reader figure anything out and told everything to the reader.

That's another issue I had; show not tell. Quite a lot of your story was telling—you told their feelings, the setting was barley described, and appearances were almost listed.

This is an extremely common problem—and you're not alone. It's an easy enough fix, too. A great exercise to practice doing that is this:

Let's pick an emotion first, for example: sadness.

Simply saying "I am sad" is pretty unrealistic, and readers won't believe it. If you list down ways someone would express sadness (such as tears, fidgeting, looking away so that someone doesn't see their tears, hanging their head), and then pick the one relating the the topic most, you are showing people a character is sad by their actions—and not their words.

Another error was sentences like these:

I hope we got it right... I nervously hoped.

Here, you already say things that have been said before, and it makes phrasing awkward. I suggest rewording it to something like:

I hope we got it right... I thought, fidgeting absent-mindedly.

This way, you don't repeat words, and you're showing that the character is nervous through their actions.

Lastly, try not to info-dump (as mentioned before) and simply give out information subtly and in a more realistic manner.

Plot + Originality: 4/5

In general plot was really good! It was extremely unique and intriguing, and I enjoyed the concept of Cell Gods. I did have some small problems, however.

One issue was that it was too fast paced. It jumped from one thing to the next with no proper development. This made everything seem a little flat and rushed—so I recommend taking your time to really explain everything and flesh things out.

This also made everything happen quickly and easily. For example, they got through the trials extremely swiftly, almost as if simple for them (and the reactions made it seem a little unbelievable as the question was easy). When they beat Reaper, I felt as if it happened too fast, and that their worry and forgiveness was a little unrealistic.

However, I loved that there was a message delivered from this story—and that they all had a moral to explain. I felt that was a nice touch to add, and the message was sweet.

OVERALL SCORE: 14.5/25

There is a lot of potential in your characters, writing style, and plot, but there were some issues that stopped it from being all the way up there. However, if you edit your story, and clean up some errors, it could be a fun read with a lovely message. I hope this helps!