Title: Floating Stars

Author: Fayesther

Reviewer: GnomeMercy

Summary: 4.5/5

I loved the mysterious feel to your summary! It explains the character, plot, and the stakes very nicely. It seems like an intriguing plot, too!—and I couldn't wait to dive in.

However, there was a sentence I believed needed a comma:

But lacking memories of her life before one ominous day in a forest has caused her to live a disconnected life.

I think it could be changed to:

But, lacking memories of her life before one ominous day in a forest has caused her to live a disconnected life.

This is just so that it doesn't look so cluttered and it makes it easier to read. I'm being a bit nit-picky, of course. Overall, a wonderful summary!

Grammar: 3.5/5

In general, your grammar was pretty decent, there were just some small problems that I found.

Here, I believe you need a comma. And, there is also a tense change:

At the end of the day she felt nonplussed but her colleagues reassured her... ["Reassured" is in past tense.]

...that it does get better. ["Does get" is, in this case, in present tense. It should be "got better".]

Here is the corrected version (with the added commas):

At the end of the day she felt nonplussed, but her colleagues reassured her that it got better.

Throughout the story, I did see a handful of tense errors, here's another example:

She felt as though she understood exactly how this girl felt but she had no idea how she could. ["Felt" is in past tense.]

She's never experienced such treatment herself... ["She's" is short for either "she is" or "she has", depending on the context. In this case, it should be "she had never experienced", due to the fact that the story is in past tense. (The abbreviation for "she had" is "she'd".)]

Another comma related error I saw was this one; where there was a unnecessary comma involved:

Feeling as if she was being followed, Astrid, stopped and searched her surroundings, but there was nobody there.

There's no real need for the comma after "Astrid", so I suggest you change it to:

Feeling as if she was being followed, Astrid stopped and searched her surroundings, but there was nobody there.

In chapter 6, there was a typo when a word was unnecessarily capitalised:

"Are you Alright?..."

In chapter 8 there was a small dialogue error:

"W-what now?" A small breathless voice interrupted the still darkness.

"A small breathless voice interrupted" is a verbal tag, which is really anything like "she said", "they replied", "he stated". Verbal tags are technically a part of a dialogue sentence, and can be used if dialogue ends in a comma, question mark, exclamation mark, dash, or ellipses. If there's a period, and you use a verbal tag after, it is incorrect. If you capitalise after a question mark, it is incorrect as the verbal tag is technically part of dialogue. So, in the end, it should be:

"W-what now?" a small breathless voice interrupted the still darkness.

I saw this happening a handful of times, with an exclamation mark, too. So I suggest you clean that up.

There were times when I felt you were in need of a comma, so I suggest you do a reread to see if in some places there's a small pause when you read. If that's the case, you're probably missing a comma and the sentence is in need of one.

There was another typo in chapter 8:

"So, what are you doing out here in the Strelle Foreshe woman asked over her shoulder...

I think you meant:

"So, what are you doing out here in the Strelle Forest?" the woman asked over her shoulder...

Overall, there are some typos and recurring errors that can be fixed with a quick edit and reread. Otherwise, you knew your basics in grammar, and it was a decently clean read! Well done.

Characters: [no score -- will not be added to final score]

Since there were only 8 chapters (that were quite short), I couldn't really get a proper understanding of the characters. However, from what I could gather, they all seemed quite realistic and nice. I loved the depth in Astrid's character and mysterious past—and her relationship with James was so sweet.

However, it did feel a little unrealistic when she first talked to Amber on the street—while Astrid's intentions were quite realistic, her dialogue felt a little robotic and unreal. However, that is me being a little picky. Overall, I think you did a decent job with the characters, and they have the potential to be really nice and 3D people.

Writing Style: 3.5/5

In terms of writing style, it was a very easy and fun read! The writing showed and didn't tell, and vocabulary was definitely vast! It made things more enjoyable to read, and much easier.

However, I did have some problems. For example, there was a lot of of "she did this, she did that" sentences, where you describing things the character did. However, it could get repetitive after three sentences in a row started with the same thing.

Another error I noticed was Naomi's name was accidentally mentioned before she actually properly introduced herself. (When she gave Astrid that woolly jumper, it said "Naomi said" without her ever introducing herself.)

Also, if I have to be very picky, I did feel as if I was being told that James was a nice person, and that he had helped Astrid a lot, rather than being shown—but I am being nit-picky.

Another small problem was that sometimes words were repeated in a sentence, causing it to sound slightly robotic and awkward. Here is an example:

She felt as though she understood exactly how this girl felt but she had no idea how she could.

In this sentence, you use "felt" twice, when, instead, you could use a synonym or use a different word, like so:

She felt as though she understood exactly how this girl did, but she had no idea how she could.

Other than that, you had an enjoyable writing style. I would recommend sticking to either a formal tone or a more casual tone, as, sometimes, dialogue could be casual when, before, the character would speak in a more formal tone.—but I'm being a bit nit-picky, as I did find your writing fun to read.

Plot + Originality: 5/5

In terms of plot, I think you did a wonderful job! It was extremely intriguing and unique, and had me hooked. The fact that Astrid couldn't remember anything from before eight years ago was so mysterious, and I was excited to see the part Amber has to play in this.

I adored the sense of magic, and the Strelle Forest sounded extremely interesting, with enough development, this could be a lovely story! I can't give you much to work on here, just the fact that the plot I unique and full of magic and intrigue! Well done!

OVERALL SCORE: 16.5/20

Overall, a wonderful little story with an amazing plot. There are some small errors writing style and grammar-wise, but these can be fixed up with a quick reread and edit. Your characters were interesting to read about, and I enjoyed reading this story! I hope this helps.