Title: A Young Witch's Journey

Author: _LadyBex_

Reviewer: GnomeMercy

Summary: 3/5

To begin with, your summary is actually pretty okay! It has most of the things you'll need; your main character, the world she lives in, and what she's going to do. However, the most important thing it is missing is your dilemma! It does kind of skim over it briefly (not much information is given, though), however the focus of the blurb should be about your dilemma.

I think a great way to improve your blurb is to give some more information on why and how witches are declining in population, and why magic is weakening. As well as that, it does kind of end off a little... I can't really find the word, but it did feel as if there should have been more to it. Here is what you have:

She sets off on the journey alone mostly relying only on her book knowledge and magical powers...

I think it would be better if you added some of the things that happen on her journey (and maybe who she meets, or goes through or what she learns as a character), or, maybe change it to something along these lines, so it doesn't feel a little clunky:

She sets off on the journey alone, relying only on her knowledge and magical powers — but will that be enough for her to accomplish her mission?

In that sense, the reader can be more interested in finding out the answer to the rhetorical question — and it's a better way to close off you blurb.

Overall, I think you have a great blurb, but it does need a little fleshing out here and there. Talk a little more about your dilemma, and why it's so important for Calytrix to stop it. And maybe leave a few questions to keep your reader wondering?

Grammar: 2/5

Overall, you know some of your basics. I didn't find any non-capitalised words or anything, but you did have some problems with the more complex stuff, which is why I'm here to help!

There were times when a sentence would be a little clunky, and in need of some other punctuation instead of just a comma. Here is an example from Part I: The evil king:

The local villagers around the town weren't prosperous, they were small, people managed to get by with small farming, but the town, on the other hand, seemed to be well off, it's true source of prosperity was publicly unknown.

To begin with, I just want to go off in a tangent and say that the "it's" you used in this sentence is actually incorrect. Since you are talking about something that is not a person, the correct form should be "its". — "it's" is only used when talking about a person, but both of them mean pretty much the same thing.

Here is a way you can write that paragraph so that it is less clunky and has some other punctuation as well:

The local villagers around the town weren't prosperous; they were small, and people managed to get by with small farming. The town, on the other hand, seemed to be well off — but its true source of prosperity was publicly unknown.

I also noticed your incorrect use of verbal tags. Here is an example of what I'm talking about, and why and how you can fix that:

"Is that all you've got? I'm glad you're going on the journey to learn something because colourful flames are boring." The unkind girl spoke.

Now, "the unkind girl spoke" is a verbal tag (which is basically anything like he said, she replied, they stated — all those kind of things) which means it is a part of dialogue. A period (or full stop, depending on where you are from) ends dialogue, and that makes this incorrect. The proper way to write it would be:

"Is that all you've got? I'm glad you're going on the journey to learn something because colourful flames are boring," the unkind girl spoke.

(Please keep in mind that this rule only applies for verbal tags, anything unrelated to that can have dialogue ending in a period.)

A tip for if you're stuck: if you don't know what punctuation to use after your speech, always use a comma.

Here, you capitalised after a question mark, which is actually grammatically incorrect. This is because when you use a question mark, exclamation mark, or anything except a period, you should never capitalise the verbal tag afterwards. Here is an example:

"Why? Who will punish you?" He asked.

It should be: 

"Why? Who will punish you?" he asked.

There were times where I felt as if your sentences were in need of commas — but there were times where I felt as if they were unnecessary. Here are some examples:

Meditation, if done right could relieve me of some of the stress.

It should be:

Meditation, if done right, could relieve me of some of the stress.

(I mentioned overuse of commas above.) A good way to know when to use commas is to read the sentence aloud — where do you give a small half-pause? Or when do you pause completely? A half-pause usually means you're in need of a comma, and a full pause means you're in need of a full stop. This technique doesn't work all the time, as it really depends how you read things, but commas are quite hard to do, so I have listed some examples of errors down below.

I noticed quite a lot of typos in your work — but that's why I am here! Here are some of the ones I noticed, keep in mind some of these also recur quite a bit:

"Miss Witch!" A group of children surrounded me." Did you start your journey to become a real witch?"

Up here, it is simply a space between the speech and the speech marks. This happened quite a bit.

I sighed because they ignored everything I said as always "Yes, I will come visit you, expect the unexpected." I struck a victory pose and the kids started cheering me on.              "Stand back and I'll show you some flames." I said with a smile.

Here, I found some stuff that I consider more than typos. Firstly, you are missing punctuation after "always". The sentence before the speech begins is also lacking commas, and there is an unnecessary space between the sentence and dialogue in that last line. A sentence should, also, never end with a period unless the words after it are not verbal tags (i.e. he said, she replied, they welcomed and so on). Here is a corrected version:

I sighed, because they ignored everything I said, as always. "Yes, I will come visit you. Expect the unexpected." I struck a victory pose and the kids started cheering me on. "Stand back and I'll show you some flames," I said with a smile.

Another error:

I started to wonder about how would people from far away towns react to magic shows, did they have the same shows.

Here, I believe that sentence should end with a question mark, as she is wondering and questioning that, and not stating it.

"Welcome Calytrix" He said gesturing me to come closer.

Here, you are missing punctuation at the end of speech — and you are missing a comma. It should be:

"Welcome Calytrix," he said, gesturing me to come closer.

Here, you forgot to finish off speech with speech marks:

"Do you have any idea of who you are talking to? He said seriously as he stood up from his throne.

It should be:

"Do you have any idea of who you are talking to?" he said seriously as he stood up from his throne.

Here, you need a question mark at the end of the question:

Was it just me who was in the dark.

It should be:

Was it just me who was in the dark?

Here, I think you meant fiancé instead of finance:

They were all invitations to my finance's estate.

Here, I noticed a tense change:

I just needed to keep going straight and I'll arrive at the main house.

"I'll" is a form of "I will" which is a present tense word. So, to make this sentence correct, it should be:

I just needed to keep going straight and I would arrive at the main house.

Here is another mistake that is actually something that many people do:

"Who are you?!"

See, here you use "?!", which is actually grammatically incorrect. In this situation, I always suggest picking the one that suits the sentence in question more (in this case, the question mark) and using that. So it would be:

"Who are you?"

Another similar error I found was that you used three question marks in a row (you are also missing a space between the speech marks and the word "his":

"Akios???" His sudden appearance shocked me.

Using more than one question mark in a row is actually grammatically incorrect, so you might want to change it to:

"Akios?" His sudden appearance shocked me.

When Calytrix meets Akios in chapter two, she mentions "dessert". Now, I believe you were trying to go for "desert" — as that's what you call places like the Sahara Desert and such. "Dessert" with two ses means something sweet after a main meal.

Here, you have an exclamation mark and an ellipses, which doesn't really work:

"I can properly swim!... But still, thank you."

It should be:

"I can properly swim... but still, thank you."

Or: 

"I can properly swim! But still, thank you."

Or even: 

"I can properly swim! — but still, thank you."

I also noticed that there were quite a handful times where "Akios" was spelled incorrectly, so you might want to stick to one spelling.

Here, you are missing an apostrophe and an "s":

Akios spell was even more useful than I initially thought.

It should be:

Akios's spell was more useful than I initially thought.

I also noticed that "Valerius" was spelled as "Valerious" from time to time.

In Part V, and the chapters after, your speech marks were a little awkward (one was down, and the other, up) but I commented on that and it's a software problem.

Lastly, before I conclude, I do want to say that you should watch out for tense slips as those also recurred quite bit.

Overall, I do believe your grammar needs a little work when it comes to commas and verbal tags, but I think your biggest issue was typos. There were quite a handful of them around, so you might want to fix that (keep a look out for tense changes as well)! I tried to catch some of them, but if you do a round of editing, you should be able to find them!

Characterisation: 4/5

First off, can I just say that I loved the name of your main character. I thought Calytrix was such a unique, witchy-sounding name! So well done!

On the subject of Calytrix, she wasn't too Mary Sue-y. She wasn't perfect to the T... but in a weird way she didn't really have flaws either. I think it's the way Calytrix narrated — it didn't show too much character, but, instead, sounded as if she was looking at everything from a narrator's point of view, which isn't the best idea considering this story is written in first person. I didn't have too much of an opinion on her, and I didn't love or hate her, but I did have a favourite character —which I'll get to in a bit.

Akios, to me, was a little weird. He randomly froze everyone at the mansion, and randomly tested Calytrix's power, too. Then, he disagreed when she asked him to help them, but immediately said yes. I'm sure he does have some ulterior motives, which would be a valid reason for him acting like that, but I do feel as if he's a little stiff. It would be better if you try to line up all his beliefs with his actions which would make a bit more sense. Is he cocky? Is he so focused on his master that he doesn't care? Does he like destruction and disregard all his master's instructions? — you can't really add them all up together as it creates someone who's a sort of hypocrite. I do think he's a little like that. I would love to know more about him, and what his ambitions are — it would help in understanding him.

Rheya was probably my most favourite character. She's absolutely horrible, yes, and the way she treated those poor woman breaks my heart, but I love her backstory! She feels like she came out of a fairytale, and her motives were so clear and understandable! I really felt sorry for Rheya, she didn't deserve what she got, but that turned her into a monster. I think Rheya was the most 3D character for me, as she had motives, ambitions, and character. I could tell she was a bit of a control freak as she was kind of harsh when doing Calytrix's makeup and I could tell she didn't care for those around her from the way she treated her servants. Overall, I loved how real Rheya felt!

Jacob seemed really nice! I was a little wary of him, at first (mostly because of that Rheya fiasco), but Calytrix really liked his company! I did feel as if she fell for him a bit quickly. She only knew him for two weeks, yet she was already "in love"? I think it would have been better for her to have a small crush on him, that way, it would be more realistic, and she would still be jealous of his girlfriend. However, I really enjoyed that Art Town chapter, as that play sounded so cute and sweet!

I absolutely loved that chapter where she finally met Andrezey! I was so surprised to see that he was just thirteen, but seemed like such an interesting character! — and I had a hunch he was half-demon half-human, and I was right! I think he'll be such an interesting character, and I can't wait to see where his loyalties truly lie!

Overall, I feel as if you have a wide range of colourful characters! I absolutely love almost all of them! I just feel as if Calytrix and Akios fell a bit flat, but I think your other characters are amazing!

Writing Style: 3/5

I enjoyed reading some of your descriptions as you had a strong grasp on vocabulary, however, your writing was quite "telly".

To explain that is kind of hard, but I did my best.

"Show not tell" is a writing rule that, if you follow, can really boost your writing to another league. What it means is that you need to show everything — from the way your character acts to the scenery they see. Right now, what you re doing is that you are telling me everything. I was told by the barrel prince Valerius was a playboy, I was told by Calytrix she believed in justice. You need to show they believe that by what they do.

For example, a good show you had was Rheya. We found out she was bad because of her servants and her dark magic. You didn't tell us, we found out for ourselves!

Now, if you had shown us, for example, that Valerius was a playboy I would have believed it more than just the barrel prince telling us. He could have flirted with Calytrix, for example, and that would have shown us he was flirty and maybe even a playboy.

Your dialogue, as well, felt a little stiff. Speech always felt a little robotic. I always observe the way people speak in real life, which helps me try to make sure my speech is more casual and laid-back.

I also felt it was paced a little fast. For example, every important event happened in one chapter, and smaller things were barely mentioned. An example from the first part was that when she began walking to the citadel you didn't really mention the scenery and just skimmed by what she encountered. I do think, when it comes to adventure stories like this, you should really flesh out the story. Spend a few chapters talking about, for example, the play. It doesn't need to be restricted to one part. You can even have a chapter or two on the journey to a certain place. It would be so much better and more fun to see what she encounters, take your time writing an adventure story — so what if it's a million parts? It would be fun and enjoyable! — I think I would most definitely read a slower-paced version of this story, with more time to flesh out these characters and Calytrix's witch world!

Your story has a lot of potential! I think if you spent more time fleshing out your world, characters, and taking time with pacing, you'd have an amazing story (that I would 100% read). I did enjoy your vocabulary, but watch out for those tells!

Plot + Originality: 5/5

There's no other way to put it, I loved your plot! Every little bit of it! I adored the idea of Calytrix's journey — it leads to some amazing worldbuilding! I loved the idea of the world crumbling, a thirteen-year-old master, a dark witch-princess, a mage from another world... everything about it speaks "fairytale" to me — but it's your own fairytale!

Honestly, I was so surprised with that king — but I felt for Rheya. I think if you fleshed it out a bit more (as mentioned above) you could really make people feel something!

I have no words for your plot! I think you have fantastic imagination! 

OVERALL SCORE: 17/25

Your writing is a little telly, and there are quite a bit of typos, but you have an amazing storyline that just needs to be a little more fleshed out — then you'll have a story that would be such a fun read! Good luck on your writing adventures, and I hope Calytrix gets to save her world!