Title: Only Human

Author: CassieDyoub1

Reviewer: pluviophile_bookworm

Summary: 2/5

A good summary should set the groundwork for the plot of the novel, introduce us to the protagonist and show us some insight as to why they are the protagonist, hook the reader into wanting to continue, and give us at least a small sense of the setting. Unfortunately, your summary really accomplished only one of these things: the hook.

I have no grasp of really anything about the book after reading the summary, except that it's probably a dystopia and has a classic sassy hero. There's just not enough information to make me want to read the book - I always want to know what I'm getting myself into before I start a new story, and this sure doesn't tell me.

Your excerpt from the story is good. In fact, it would be quite clever if placed before a small real summary. But we really do need some backstory to generate interest.

If you left out information in order to make the book mysterious, that's fine - you certainly don't have to and shouldn't tell us everything about the book. But there are ways to provide information without giving too much away. It's a fine balance, to create the perfect amount of intrigue.

Instead of leaving information out entirely, give us pieces. Tell us that your protagonist is on the run, but don't entirely reveal why - save that to be revealed in the story, unless it's to be given very early on. Set up the world we'll be transported to, but don't necessarily tell us how it came to be that way. Leave different options open in your summary, but define them clearly through your book.

My loose rule for my own books is: if it's not going to be introduced in the first chapter or two, don't include it in the summary. That way, I have a solid foundation of what to add and what to leave out. Now, this rule is incredibly subjective and please use your own judgement in your planning. I have at least one story published where I've violated this rule, so don't just take my word for it.

If this is confusing (I'm sorry, I'm trying to be as coherent as possible here, but I don't know if it's working), I'd be happy to message you to write an example summary for you.

Grammar: 2/5

You have some small mistakes that show up frequently throughout your writing, mostly to do with punctuation. Your spelling is actually pretty good, and I didn't find many mistakes there.

There's several places where you've missed commas in sentences, often when you're using a conjunction. A few examples are:

"I couldn't remember how but I just knew it."

"She ate an omelet but her motions were robotic."

"Granted I had to come into contact with someone to sense their real feelings and thoughts."

"I was valuable to L.A.C.E. for a reason you know."

Fixed: 

"I couldn't remember how, but I just knew it."

"She ate an omelet, but her emotions were robotic."

"Granted, I had to come into contact with someone to sense their real feelings and thoughts."

"I was valuable to L.A.C.E. for a reaaon, you know."

Another thing I noticed is that you tend to skip punctuation at the end of dialogue. Most dialogue should end with a comma, or a period, if an action immediately follows the words. Another quick (somewhat paraphrased) example:

"Says the guy with the small army behind him" I replied, telekinetic force tingling through my fingers.

"You can't blame us for being precautious" the man said. 

Fixed: 

"Says the guy with the small army behind him," I replied, telekinetic force tingling through my fingers.

"You can't blame us for being precautious," the man said.

There were a couple of instances where you re-stated the same idea with an extra sentence. One I found was "An escape would only weaken me anyway. Besides, I only had so much power."

The main idea is already given in the first sentence: Harper has limits, and doesn't think she can successfully escape her captors in her present state. She also needs to conserve energy for the real fight with L.A.C.E. The second sentence isn't really necessary and can be removed with changing the idea of the paragraph.

Overall, your mistakes were small but numerous. A quick read-through of your chapters, possibly out loud, could fix almost all these things. If you aren't sure how to go about editing, Treasure Community has a lovely book called "Ruby's Editing Shop" where you can find someone to help you.

Character Development: 3/5

This is harder to judge, since you have only published a few chapters of your story. We haven't had time to witness really any of the characters in a situation outside of a fight or interrogation. I'm hoping that we will get to see several different scene dynamics as the story progresses, but for now, it's difficult to judge.

Harper comes off as rather emotionless as times - I mean, she's able to kill and face her old enemies and tormentors from L.A.C.E. without any real trouble. I was glad that you gave her a moment of vulnerability when she learned about her family, even in spite of never truly knowing them. You proved that she does have an emotional aspect; it's just been abused and buried over the years.

Your supporting characters - Dakota, Royce, Sara, Teddy, and Chandler - are fairly alike in many ways. Teddy is the only one who stands out, seeing as he's the only on that shows friendliness and even a sense of humor. The rest blend together a bit, falling into the same emotionless and duty-bound behavior.

I would love to see some variety among them as the story progresses. As I stated earlier, we haven't seen them in many different situations yet, but in the future, it would be great to give them varying interests, habits, and behaviors in more mundane situations, or even in-between fights.

One thing you did a very good job at was differing the antagonists. Creating antagonists with separate motives and behaviors is very important, yet often overlooked. We have Artur, who's nearly a madman and loves watching people suffer. Dr. Ortega is a more calculating, machine-like kind of villain, and Callum is unpredictable - a powerful child, really, forced to fight.

Only five chapters in and you've set up clever, clearly separate antagonists with all kinds of different motives and abilities. That's fantastic work. Do the same with your supporting characters and protagonists, and you'll have a 5/5 score in character development.

Writing Style: 3/5

You have good structure in how your story flows - especially in the way you end chapters so that they lead into the next one. I also liked your paragraph choices; you did a good job of evenly distributing sentences across the page.

Your sentences tend to lean towards being short and clipped, which to me, contributes to the character of Harper - she's very logical and rational in the way she processes information. We can see that her thought process is clear and precise, just the way it's written. There were a few occasions in which I thought the sentences would flow more smoothly if two were connected, but overall, it is a clever distinction.

If you're ever having trouble determining whether something flows smoothly enough, the go-to fix is: read it out loud. Usually, the minute you hear (rather than see) a wrong sentence, you'll know something about it is off.

One thing I noticed that could be changed is your physical descriptions of characters. Let's take Chapter One, in the diner, as an example, when Harper is judging the customers, specifically the brunette woman and Asian man. You tend to jump right into it and give us a full description of each person right off the bat, which is not usually what happens in a person's head in real life.

Most people actually don't notice much about the people around them, even if they interact briefly. Hair and skin color, sure - that's fine. But the rest of their facial features, or their clothing, generally goes unnoticed. Especially eye color. You don't tend to ever notice someone's eye color upon the first meeting, unless they're very striking. I myself am guilty of over-describing appearances, and I have to work to avoid it.

A good tactic of description is to include mostly what stands out about the person. If you pass a person with a visible oddity, that's probably the main thing you'll remember. A cool tattoo, an unusually hooked nose, very beautiful hair/hairstyles, a visible physical disability, etcetera. This adds immediate personality to the character as well - more so than describing what shade their eyes are.

You did a fine job of inserting information in just the right places. If too much information is given at once, it feels dangerously like narration. You gave us exactly the knowledge we needed to know when it was truly necessary. Excellent work in that aspect.

Another possibly negative thing I saw was that you sometimes describe Harper's actions almost from third person - momentarily, we're almost viewing her through someone else's eyes. You made multiple reference to her eyes in particular, such as "My attentive eyes flicked around the room" or "My eyes searched the room for an escape". It gives the impression that Harper can see her own eyes at work, which, of course, is not possible. It's not a terrible grammatical error; but it tends to lead away from first person.

Plot + Originality: 4.5/5

Dystopias are popular settings for teen fiction, which is why it's difficult to make them unique. However, you actually did a remarkable job when writing your book. You've worked out the structure in your magic systems very well - splitting it into categories and subcategories, clearly defining its boundaries, informing us of what it takes to acquire different types of abilities, and showing us the consequences in acquiring it.

You also backed up your reasoning for the different factors of magic and why Harper is more powerful than most; it's not just random chance. The different phylas of magic, the procedures for enhancing human form, it's all explained beautifully.

The only thing I would critique about your magic system is the costs of using magic. Harper doesn't seem to feel any fatigue or pain even after exerting her abilities for long periods of time. The way you've described it, magic is a muscle - you have to work it and not overuse it without negative results. It makes sense that we see more of those results.

I also like that you gave Harper boundaries. Despite her impressive abilities, she's still captured when outnumbered by the DCL agents. So many stories have protagonists that are practically impervious to weapons and never make misjudgments or errors. That's just not realistic - even with certain powers, most leads still have human minds that are very prone to mistakes. I appreciate you allowing for that with Harper.

Since I only have a few chapters to read and judge, it's hard to say where your plot is going to go, but you've set up the entrance for a highly interesting story. You began the book right in the crux of the action, and have kept it there consistently. I'm very impressed at your hooks and the way you arc your chapters. You end each chapter in a completely different state than it began.

The way you've spun the story so far has me very intrigued. Just keep in mind: if a reader can predict your plot twist, it means you've built the story to be believable. You don't always need to outsmart the reader. 

OVERALL SCORE: 14.5/25

You have created the framework for a truly wonderful dystopian book. A full edit and a rewritten summary could improve your score immensely. The hardest part of writing a book (at least to me) is creating a solid and unique plot, and you have done that very well; all it needs is some fine-tuning. If you have any questions about anything I discussed, by all means, please message me. Good work!