Dear Mr. Blue,

Nakita kita kanina sa mall, kasama ang bago mong girlfriend. She's pretty. Kung sabagay, kahit noon pa man, you have an eye for beauty. Kaya nga napansin mo ang inosenteng kagandahan ko, ‘di ba? No, I won’t accept your denial on that. And yes, I am still overly confident.

Siya nga pala, naalala ko, birthday mo noong isang araw. It’s not that your birthday is still worth remembering for me, but you sure do know how my retentive memory works- when I see it, I’ll remember it… forever.  Anyway, I would have greeted you, like all our classmates from highschool to college.  Kaya lang, nalaman ko, for some unknown reason, you’ve blocked me from Facebook.  I mean, why? You were the one who sent me a friend request. You were the one who wanted to reconnect with me for whatever reasons you may have. Ikaw ang unang  nag-chat kung kumusta na ‘ko. Ikaw ang unang nagtanong kung bakit parehas na tayo ng apelyido ngayon kahit hindi naman tayo ang nagkatuluyan. Ikaw ang unang nag-flood ng likes at reactions sa mga pictures at status ko. I really thought you were sincere in rekindling the friendship we’ve had, long before we stupidly fell in love with each other.

But why block me now?

Was it because I am not that eager to talk to you like I used to, when I was still so blindly in-love with you? Or was it because of the quotes I diligently share on my Facebook Wall about sincerity, fidelity and loyalty on relationships? Why? Did any of those hit home? Kumalembang ba ang kampana ng konsensiya mo dahil naalala mo ang mga ginawa mo sa ‘kin? Sa ‘tin?

Seven years. I have loved you for seven years. Four of those years, I’ve spent running after you. I believed every blatant lie and excuses you’ve said because I was desperate to make us work. I patiently waited for you every afternoon at the university gate so that we’d go home together. I remembered every single red-letter dates for us so that I could give you gifts- a thing you never did for me. Not even once.  I swallowed my pride and choked in humiliation. Mahal kita, e.

Yes. I have loved you for seven painful years. But the last three of those were spent fighting for the most painful battle I’ve had yet in my life- unloving you.

You want to know what made me decide to stop loving you? No, focusing on my studies was not the real reason.  Naalala mo no’ng niyaya mo akong mag-date after ng mid-terms natin sa Biology? You said we’d meet at The Steak House before seven in the evening. Do you remember? I know you do.   Hindi totoo na hindi ako nakarating sa restaurant gaya  ng reply ko sa text mo that night. Dumating ako. Hinintay kita. But, you never came. Nagmukha lang akong gaga. Naalala mo lang ako after three hours. You texted me and told me that you can’t make it. That your Dad got you caught up with ‘something’. Hindi ko na sinabi sa ‘yo that a common friend of ours texted me that you were hanging out with the new girl in the campus.  And in order to save face, I just told you I didn’t make it either.

That night, I realized, you were never going to change. You’d always take me for granted and never see my worth. You don’t love me. You never did. So, I had to stop loving you and start loving myself. The process tore me apart. But it helped me grew a new heart, a heart you could never ever break anymore. The process was slow and painful. That’s how I unloved you. But I have no regrets.

Love found me when I was finally healed. Nakakatawa kasi magkaparehas pa kayo ng apelyido. But you were never related. I checked. Moreso, he was never like you. He loves me. Truly. Deeply. Profoundly.

I have long forgiven you. And whatever the reason behind blocking me now, I still wish you well. I really hope you'd find the right love for you.

Your Once Bestfriend,
Lilac