سانوں نہر آلے پُل تے بُلا کہ
نی سوہنا ماہی کیتھے رہ گیا؟

٭

Chapter 19 : Kasam hai

Sniffing as her fingers worked by the minute, sliding off the bangles she wore with full force. Hot tears melted against her skin. Coughs escaped her cracked lips as she slid down, falling on to the bed with her hands digging into the mattress. The feathers spilt out as her nails pierced through—the maddening fury unhidden from the objects inside the room. Wiping, almost swatting at the tears she slapped her warm cheeks in agony. Breathing with an indisputable pain.

Her feet kicked off the embroidered shoes and the shawl that weighed down on her shoulders came off next. Freeing her from the claustrophobic hold. The skin above her ribs was blistering and her lungs underneath had frozen from the pain. Even the chilly air that froze the burning fire did not touch her delicate kiss as she rubbed her fingers against her lips. Throwing the earrings that had been her pride on to the ground. Letting the glass of her bangles collide with the floor.

The bedroom was dealt with. A deep ebony shadow cruised through the bedroom, following the dry cool air, a thick fog had come in too. Even inside the small space visibility had run low. Only the thick blanket of fog and shadows slithered and whispered words of a language no living being was frequent with. Thrums and howls of the beasts outside whizzed inside, vibrating the walls and the floors, untapped energies perfumed in through. The tiny pores that were left untouched smelt of the previous, lost, agonies.

Outside the moon basked in it's full glow behind the curtain of clouds and branches of leaves painted a flustered green. Sparkling stars illuminated the deep blue sky like a painting of a maestro. Dusting the still waters of the Qurban river with their might, raising it to a glimmering platform. Like diamonds — a plenty. It's untouched silveriness paled in comparison to the shades of the carnal pleasures that flew amongst the branches. The lazily lounging birds with their spent spirits crooned at the ghosts which skittered through.

Amongst it all—the howling cries of the newly wed bride gathered the attention of man and beast both. Though only the beasts and animals that dwelled beneath the grass of her bedroom window came to hear her out. Man turned it's back towards her.

Sliding her palms against her wet cheeks, the harshness turned it's suppleness an ugly red. Under the light of the candle that she had burnt to keep her company painted her skin in an even ghastly pattern. The hollows of her eye — the deep under eye bags and all merged on to her face. Golnar pulled her legs against her chest, wrapping her arms around them in a tired fatigue, she pressed her cheek against her kneecap. Absentmindedly she ran her finger down the crisp pleats of her trouser, sliding on to her bare skin before repeating the pattern.

Like a broken record.

Golnar's eyes hurt as she squeezed them shut. A dull throb swam in her forehead and knocked on to the front of it. Even the sides had turned to jello, the joints of her fingers ached from the taut grip she had over things. Pinching her skin under her nails, swallowing the ferocious blazing of her own imagination she peeled her eyes open. Staring at the barren wall opposite her. Twisting her toes.

Agha ji had been kind enough to drive her from the filth laden place. He had not asked her any question as she sat in the back seat — sobbing. Not even a cough as he drove her back to her husband's home. His hands had been tied at his waist and he had nodded with great faith as she spoke through broken coughs and hiccups. Instructing him that they would leave for Islamabad soon as daylight struck the horizon.

Before her eyes the arms of Darab that had wrapped around that woman's bare waist, flashed. The way he held her as if he knew her body like the back of his hand. Leading her towards a space that he seemed comfortable with. The woman's own snarky grin had not been missed by her. Pang after pang struck her chest as she forced herself to remember the image of that scene. His cheeks had grazed her shoulders. She could imagine their sweaty frames as they united in a manner only she had a right with him to.

Though her self pity party came to an end as the bedroom door opened with a sudden sharpness. It's thick chipping wood collided with the wall and the figure of her husband stepped inside. His shoulders broad and frame towered over the furniture with arrogance. As if he held not an ounce of shame inside his heart for what he had done. Golnar was sure of that being the case. The man had become so used to his corrupted life style that he no longer saw the wrong in them.

Shutting the door with his palm, his feet slid over the ground before coming to a stop before her shaky figure. His lips had twisted into a half grin-half frown. Raising his thumb and index finger to touch her chin, though he failed as she pulled away. Narrowing her frame into herself, hiding her nose into the folds of her sleeves to keep from smelling the intense scent of his beer infused breath.

Falling to his knees the man held the yellowed out linen sheets. Inching his fingers forward until they touch her feet, though her hands flashed before his and tore them off.

Golnar's disappointed eyes staring into his confused ones.

"Ghin arahi hai mujhe aap sai," she hiccuped, biting the inside of her chin, searching for the strength to continue, "jin hathoon sai usko cho kar aaye hai, woh mujhe mat lagein ap."
[I am disgusted by you, the hands with which you have touched her, do not touch me.]

"Golnar."

Darab's voice swam with warning as he pushed his elbows into the bedding and rose higher. Kneeling until he was eye level with her. Running his eyes over his face — the stain of her tears and the dried blood on to her lower lip from the way she had been tearing into it. His heart lurched to his stomach. Leaving an emptiness there and breath was pushed out of his lungs. Instead only an icy fire remained there that grew, by the minute, as he observed her shrivelled face.

The broken bangles that dug into his knees, the sight of her damaged earrings, smudged makeup against her skin were a pain unlike he had ever known. Darab stared at his hand, wishing that he could somehow tear each of his limb to rid himself of the guilt. He was why she was in pain.

How unlucky could he be?

In that moment it would have been easier for him to set himself on fire than to speak words of consolation. For he knew he had betrayed her trust once — and he did not want her to think her was playing her again.

Yet his wife was the only woman worth taking all this pain and ache for.

"Raat mein havas ki aag mein na-mehram auraton mein jannat dhundtay hain aur din mein ja namaz par khuda sai alim e qads mangtay hain."
[At night in the ecstasy of your pleasure you search for heaven amongst na-mehram women and during the day you search for paradise on the prayer mat.]

Golnar spoke suddenly that Darab was left shocked. Her eyes were full of unwavering conviction as she dug deep into his soul, bringing to him the truth of his existence. Though it was disgusting — and his head suddenly wished to drop low until it melted into nothingness. Rage filled him too. Yet his lips remained sewn shut. Tonight words had left him, yet he did not mind.

Darab wanted though to hear her voice. There was something about the softness of it.

"Golnar me-mein teray tou maafi mangna ae. Menu ae nai karna chaida si—"
[Golnar I seek your forgiveness. I should not have done—]

"Nahi ap ka bohat bohat shukriya jo ap nai yeh kia. Mein pagal ho gayi thi iss rishtay ko bachanay ki khatir jo ap ka asli chehra nahi dekh pai." She chuckled dryly.
[No thank you for doing this. I had gone crazy to save this relationship that I failed to see your real face.]

"Eik wari maaf kar ke tan weik. Jinway kahein gi, ohi karan ga." Darab said.
[One time try to forgive me. I will do as you say.]

"Mera dil bhalay hi nazuk kyun na ho, par sheeshay ki tarah nahi hai, mom ki tarah hai. Agar ziada dukha dia tou uska asar ap par bhi ho ga."
[My heart may be sensitive but it is not like a glass, instead it's like wax. If you hurt it more then it will hurt you too.]

Her words by the second pierced through his chest. Like a splinter pushed into the flesh of his heart.

The glow of the almost burnt out candle illuminated her skin. The neckline of her shirt had slid out of place and with a hunched back, it had deepened until the swallows of her collarbones protruded through. Underneath her clothes he could see the ghost of pale skin, his fingers shook as he could imagine the feel of her velvety skin beneath his fingertips. Just touching her cheeks in the afternoon had given him far too much joy, and the texture of which had still not left his fingers.

Nothing had happened between him and Chenab. It had not happened since before their marriage. Despite Majjo's reassurances and his own thoughts of reaching out to her, something had stopped him. Even Darab had been baffled at the suddenness with which he had taken her to the brothel, to meet Chenab. Watching her bare frame had melted his consciousness into a puddle and the habit of his muscles had lead him straight up to her.

Inside Chenab's cluttered bedroom Darab's breath had shortened and spots filled his vision. He could feel her fingers slide around his collar, and the longer her touch remained against his warm skin, the closer he felt himself to the depth of hell fire. Tearing her hands off of his body he had ran out of the bedroom faster than the shocked woman could blink. All the drive — back to the estate Darab had been pushed into a box. One where the space was a melted charcoal and air rose through the edges of it. Ghouls clenched their hands against his bicep.

After thirty years of living a life he knew well enough, the sight of her tears, moved him.

Darab wanted to repent.

"Main teray naal behtar rishta bana'na chanda aan. Mein pehlan bari ghalti kiti ae par Golnar," he spoke with shaky breath, wrapping her hands around her feet before pressing his forehead into her calves, "aj maaf kar de. Sari zindagi tenu khush rakhan ga."
[I want to make a better relationship with you. I have made such a grave mistake for the first time Golnar, forgive me today. I will keep you happy for the rest of your life.]

"Mailay haathon sai dilon ke maamlay suljahye nahi jatay." She scoffed.
[With soiled hands you can not solve the matters of the heart.]

"Hath kat la meray te mein uff vi nai karan ga." He begged.
[You can cut off my hands and I will not even wince.]

"Theek hai," she nodded, Golnar was not made of iron and seeing his tears, her heart had given in, "par kasam khain jo mein kahun gi ap wahi karein gae."
[Alright, but swear that you will do as I say.]

"Menu meri maa di kasam, aj tou bad teri ghulami karan ga."
[I swear on my mother, after today I will be your slave.]

"Mujhe ghulam nahi humsafar ki zaroorat hai." She chuckled.
[I do not need a slave I want a life partner.]

"Mein o, o banan ga jo tu chavein gi. Fir o kutta huway ya shohar. Ah na karan ga."
[I will be, be all that you want me to be. Be it a husband or a dog. I will not complain.]

⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️
I know a lot of people will question Golan'r decision. Maybe you'd think it's too fast and how Darab deserved to suffer quite a bit more. He has hurt her in ways it's impossible to recover from. It breaks my heart writing this one honestly. I want to make it clear : Golnar has her reasons. Sometimes you can't read between the lines so let me make it clearer. Golnar did it for herself. She did it to prove to herself. To face her fears. She isn't her mother. That's the entire point of Golnar's resistance. This is where the story takes a turn honestly. We talk of forgiveness, Golnar did what her mother didn't do despite her father being an innocent man. She forgave because her fear was to N O T be able to do so. She has set herself apart from her mother. Darab gave her this voice ; no matter how much you don't acknowledge it. Now, it's her turn to give him his humanity back.
Until then, Khuda Naigheban.
Allah ke imaan mein 🙏🏻🤍