There weren't a lot of times Deserey allowed herself to disappoint her kids. She wanted them to grow up healthy, happy, unlike she did. She wanted to give them the world and more. That's why she did her best to give them everything they asked for, show up when they needed her, even on those terrible days when she couldn't quite make herself get out of bed or focus on much of anything except for that ever present suicidal urge.

It was also why the holidays were so damned stressful for her. Even though she was atheist, society pressured her to celebrate Christmas. Buy buy buy, the promotional scams screamed at her. In all honesty, she didn't have the energy for it or even the money really. If not for her kids, she wouldn't have even put up a Christmas tree, despite the overwhelming sense of apathy the season thrust upon her. 

Every year, she'd spend all of December buying every single item on her kids' wish list, even going so far as to sleep by the front door of the Toys R We store (something Darryl complained about her doing, but she insisted she could handle it; after all she had once lived on streets much colder than Central City's for three years). She'd shop until her feet and back were on fire, until she couldn't possibly push herself to go on any further. And even after all of that, she'd spend hours upon hours wrapping gifts, decorating the house, organizing Christmas parties and gatherings with Darryl's family. She'd bake cookies for Anita and Darren's classes at school, even though she wasn't particularly savvy in the kitchen. (Darryl would normally be the one to buy and cook their Christmas dinner because of that.)

There wasn't really time to stop and think about herself or the sheering ache in her heart that never really went away. There wasn't time to dwell on the past, even though it kept lingering around every corner she turned. And there was absolutely no time to spare for that untameable despair that kept trying to drag her down into the deep, dark depths of hell. She fought it all off, just for a short while, just so her kids could have one day full of hope, and happiness, and wonderment, all the beautiful things that were suppose to come with the holidays. Just so they could have one day where nothing awful, dangerous, or even mildly bad happened to them.

...But every now and again she lost that fight. Every year, as they got older and older, the shipping grew more difficult, more expensive, more exhausting; and every now and again she just couldn't bring herself to get to the stores and do any of it until the very last second on Christmas Eve.

One of the worst Christmases of all was when Anita was eight and Daren was seven. Daren had wanted this huge dollhouse, while Anita asked for a model truck. Those alone were a total of $350. With the addition of clothes and extra random things she and Darryl thought they'd like, she'd like spending over a thousand dollars on presents. And she only got paid $6 an hour...sure, Darryl helped with his work as a psychologist, but even so there wasn't enough to pay for it all.

Deserey wasted the whole month, trying her best to save up for the things her kids wanted most, but they'd been behind on the mortgage for at least three months, and she was working to catch that up as well. By the time Christmas Eve rolled around, all she could do was sleep for twelve hours straight, the shopping completely slipping her mind as she let herself slip under the waters of despair and apathy. It wasn't even until seven o'clock on Christmas morning, when Darryl shook her awake urgently that she realized they had a huge problem.

"Dez, Dez! Wake up!" he said frantically. "We forgot the presents!"

Deserey sat straight up in their bed, eyes widening. She smacked herself on the forehead, muttering, "Shit!" In retrospect, it wasn't a big deal. They could buy them any old thing the next day at the story, apologize, blah, blah, blah. But that would mean telling Anita and Darren Santa Clause was only a myth, made up to spark some kind of joy for the holidays. That would mean crushing their little spirits and ruining Christmas for them until the ends of time. Not something Deserey was willing to do, because getting presents from Santa on Christmas morning meant the world to little seven and eight year old kids.

"I was so caught up with the mortgage and the bills and -- ugh!" Deserey put her head in her hands, guilt washing over her like a hurricane. "I'm a terrible mother..."

"Hey, I forgot too!" Darryl reminded her, if not just to try and make her feel better. "If you're a terrible mother, then I'm a terrible father!" He wrapped a comforting arm around her, and she leaned into his shoulder, groaning, his shirt muffling the noise slightly. After a moment, she pulled away, letting out an exasperated sigh.

"I don't know what we're going to tell them," Deserey mumbled, tears welling up in her eyes. "I'm a mess. And a failure...They're going to be so heart broken..."

"No, it's okay! We can still fix this. There has to be some place still open, right?" Darryl said.

Deserey shook her head. "It's Christmas, Darryl, every toy store is going to be closed!"

"...yeah, yeah, you're right. But we need something! We can't just tell them Santa got lost on the way over!"

Deserey's eyes widened, jumping to her feet with excitement, all signs of sadness and guilt fading away in an instant. "Actually, that's exactly what we can do. Give me the phone, I have an idea!"

Twenty minutes later, when Anita and Daren ran down the stairs, confused and disappointed to see no presents under the tree, they were met with their mother talking loudly with the phone pressed against her ear. There was no one on the other end, just the dial tone ringing in her ear, but the kids didn't need to know that. "Yeah, hi, I'd like to speak to Mr. Clause, please. I just woke up and there are, like, no presents under our tree. And the big guy specifically told me Anita and Daren were extra good this year and he had a very special gift for each of them!"

The two kids perked up when they heard this, exchanging hopefully glances. Deserey fought the urge to smile at the sight. She turned towards the tree, keeping up an annoyed tone as she spoke to the dial tone. "Yeah, the name is Dunet. D-U-N-E-T." She nodded, pretending to listen to someone on the other end. "Uh, huh. Okay. I'll hold. Thank you." She waited a full minute, impatiently tapping her foot for good measure as her kids hovered behind her, trying to see what was up with Santa skipping their house. Or maybe they were just amazed by the fact that their mom had Santa Clause's number.

As soon as Deserey decided she'd paused long enough, she spoke up again. "Hi, Santa." Another brief pause. "Yeah, that's right. There isn't a single present under the tree...uh, huh...I see....alright. I'll tell them... Oh, no. No, problem at all. I'm just glad we got it all figured out... uh, huh. Merry Christmas, bye bye." With that, Deserey hit the end call button, even though she hadn't actually been talking to anyone, and hung up the phone. She turned to her kids, letting out a genuine, exasperated sigh. "I'm so sorry, kiddos," she said honestly. "Santa took a wrong turn and completely missed our house. But," she added when Anita and Darren began pouting. "He promises to make an extra special trip just for you on New Years day, extra presents and everything!"

"Yay!!" The kids cheered. It wasn't long before they were running off again, opting to play with one of their older toys for the day instead.

As soon as they were out of sight, Deserey collapsed onto the sofa, letting out a big, heavy sigh. Darryl, who had been watching from the door way to the kitchen, moved to sit with her, smiling lightly. "Smooth," he complimented.

"I still can't believe I didn't get anything..." she pouted, leaning on his shoulder. "I've ruined Christmas."

"One slip up does not ruin Christmas," he told her. "And you didn't screw up alone. Neither of us could make it happen this year, and that's okay. They're just glad to know we have Santa's number."

Deserey let out a short laugh, actually feeling somewhat better. "They are so going to want to talk to him all year now..."

Darryl chuckled, nodding in agreement. "One problem at a time. Let's save this Christmas first."

"Good plan." So, for the rest of the day that's what they did. Instead of opening gifts, they took Anita and Daren out sledding and instead of spending all day cooking the meal they hadn't bought, they crashed Darryl's brother's dinner party with his wife and kids. Anita and Darren were very happy to see their cousins and inform that their mommy and daddy personally spoke to Santa and even had his phone number; and Darryl's brother and his wife seemed happy enough to see them despite them dropping in unannounced, so all in all, it was a pretty okay Christmas that year, even though it was completely ruined.

✧ᴀᴜᴛʜᴏʀ's ɴᴏᴛᴇ✧

So, I wanted to write a Christmas special this year, but I didn't get around to it because work has been super exhausting! Naturally, I decided to post it on New Years Eve instead! (The events in the interlude here is a nod to that if you couldn't tell.)

It's not the best written it could be, but like I said I'm tired. Besides, it's something. So, there you go! Similar to what Sara says in the season two LoT  Christmas special, Merry Christmas, Happy holidays (because I can't spell any of the other holidays sorry), happy New Year, and whatever people who exist outside the time line say!

✧ᴛʜᴀᴛ's ᴀʟʟ ғᴏʀ ɴᴏᴡ, ᴛᴏᴏᴅʟᴇs!✧

∽ ᴇʟsɪᴇ