I'm not okay. I promise. (I'm sorry I had to) The one person who I thought would always be there for me, the one person who I thought would always love me no matter what, has left me. He's left me behind to die. Maybe he's right. Maybe I should just go...kill myself. Maybe instead of waiting to die, I should just do it. Instead of starving myself, instead of cutting myself, I should just kill myself. Get my pathetic, worthless self to die today. To die right now. To kill myself.

I haven't moved from the spot where Roman left me. I'm kind of...in shock right now. My hands are clammy. My whole body won't stop shaking. My heart rate keeps on speeding up. So does my breathing. I've been having panic attacks over and over again. I can't stop crying. I'm having a mental breakdown. Normally when I'm like this, I call up Roman and he comforts me, but this time, he's the reason why I'm like this. Maybe I shouldn't have said all of those horrible things to him. Then he wouldn't have said all of those horrible to me. I feel bad. I know I shouldn't, but I still do. Though I'm also very angry at him for what he said. Part of me feels bad and the other part wants me to kill him.

I let out a small cry and bury my face in my hands. I then quickly get up, run to my room, and just start tearing everything apart. I pull down my curtains, I rip off my bedsheets, tear off my closet door, pull out all of my drawers to my dresser and throw out all of my clothes. I open up my nightstand drawer and rip out all of my poems and songs and throw those on the floor. I jump on the papers, crumpling them up. I tear them apart so small pieces of paper scatter around my room. I throw everything- trinkets, clothes, notebooks, my phone, lamps- anything that I can reach. Then my eyes lay on the I'm Not Okay hat that Roman gave me. I open my door and throw it out into the hallway, not caring what happens to it. I slam my door with such force that I feel the walls shake.

I sit down on my bed, and start singing the Tourniquet by Marilyn Manson because it's so fucking relatable. But I change she to he. Makes me get my anger out more.

"He's made of hair and bone and little teeth
Things that cannot speak
He comes on like a crippled plaything
Spine is just a string

I wrapped our love in all this foil
Silver-tight like spider legs
I never wanted it to ever spoil
But flies will lay their eggs

Take your hatred out on me
Make your victim my head
You never ever believed in me
I am your tourniquet

Prosthetic synthesis with butterfly
Sealed up with virgin stitch
If it hurts, baby, please tell me
Preserve the innocence

I never wanted it to end like this
But flies will lay their eggs

Take your hatred out on me
Make your victim my head
You never ever believe in me
I am your tourniquet

What I wanted, what I needed, what I got for me
What I wanted, what I needed, what I got got me

Take your hatred out on me
Make your victim my head
You never ever believe in me
I am your tourniquet

Take your, take your
Get up out of me
I'm not proud with me
I never ever believed in me
I am your tourniquet"

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

I end the song with a sigh and feel tears streaking down my face. If I didn't break my razor, I would've killed myself by now. Maybe I can sneak into someone else's bathroom and take their razor? No, because then they'll notice that it's gone and start asking questions. Questions make me anxious.

I stand up, put my hood over my head, twist the handle to my door, and open it. It's time to face the world and become the old me. The one who didn't open up to people. The one who hid alone, the one who everyone hated, the one who no one cares about. And soon, very soon, it will go back to that.

I walk into the kitchen to find Patton cooking dinner. It's that late already? Wow. Guess the day passes by quickly when you're suicidal and extra depressed.

Patton turns around to face. He frowns and says, "Kiddo, is everything okay? I heard a lot of racket upstairs...and some yelling. Are you sure everything is okay?"

I give him my fake smile and say with ease, "I fell and I was swearing. I didn't realize I yelled it that loud." I chuckle at the end and Patton smiles. Good. It worked.

"Well, kiddo, dinner will be ready soon!"

"Whatcha making?"

"Pasta! Is that okay with you?"

I nod. "Yeah, I love pasta."

Patton smiles and turns back to the food.

"Do you mind if I put on some music?"

"No, not at all, kiddo! But first, let me call everyone else down." He turns around and yells, "Roman! Logan! Dinner!" Then he starts setting up the table.

I grab the Bluetooth speaker and connect Patton's phone to it, asking permission first, of course. I go onto YouTube and search for The Nobodies by Marilyn Manson. I press the play button just as everyone sits down. Patton gives us all our food and I just stare at mine, my appetite at loss when Roman sits down...right next to me. I gulp and feel myself start to shake and my hands become clammy. But the sound of the song calms me down.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

Today I'm dirty
And I wanted to be pretty
Tomorrow, I know I'm just dirt
Today I'm dirty
And I wanted to be pretty
Tomorrow, I know I'm just dirt

"Who put on this shitty music?" Roman asks.

I stare down at the floor as Patton says, "Virgil did! This is that weird Marilyn Manson dude, right, Virgil?"

I slowly nod and mumble, "Yeah, he's like a God to me."

We are the nobodies

"And why is that?"

Wanna be some bodies

"Because I want to be a somebody but I'm a nobody."

When we're dead
They'll know just who we are

Then I say, "And people only give a shit about you when you're dead."

We are the nobodies
Wanna be some bodies
When we're dead
They'll know just who we are

Logan speaks up. "Marilyn Manson's singing may not be very good, but his lyrics and the meaning to them are excellent. I fully support you on loving Marilyn Manson, Virgil. It is not bad music, unlike what Roman said."

Yesterday I was dirty
Wanted to be pretty
I know now that I'm forever dirt

"Well, Virgil is like this song," Roman says.

Yesterday I was dirty
Wanted to be pretty
I know now that I'm forever dirt

"And why is that?" Logan asks.

We are the nobodies
Wanna be somebodies
When we're dead
They'll know just who we are

"Well, because..."

We are the nobodies
Wanna be somebodies
When we're dead
They'll know just who we are

"Well, because, he's forever dirt."

Some children died the other day
We fed machines and then we prayed
Puked up and down in morbid faith
You should have seen the ratings that day

I feel like crying. My insides are burning. He's right though. I am forever dirt.

Some children died the other day
We fed machines and then we prayed
Puked up and down in morbid faith
You should have seen the ratings that day

Patton gasps. "Roman! That is such a mean thing to say! Take it back right now!"

We are the nobodies
Wanna be somebodies
When we're dead
They'll know just who are

"No. He deserves it for calling me a fake Prince."

We are the nobodies
Wanna be somebodies
When we're dead
They'll know just who are are

"Well, from the way you're acting, Roman, you are not a true Prince," Logan says. "Virgil has a point, I believe."

We are the nobodies

"No he doesn't! I am a true Prince! Why listen to someone who's just a weird, freaky, depressed emo?"

Wanna be somebodies

Logan gives Roman a confused look. "Why are you insulting him? He is your boyfriend."

When we're dead

Roman snorts. "No he's not. Not anymore. I broke up with him. I realized that I need someone of perfection."

They'll know just who we are

Patton frowns. "Roman, no one is perfect. Even you must know that."

We are the nobodies

Roman snorts as I start to feel myself shake even more. "I don't want to date someone who is so anxious that they can't be alone without me for three days without having a mental breakdown."

Wanna be somebodies

"Roman," Logan says. "You left without telling anyone where you went. It is normal for one to worry when someone they care about disappears."

When we're dead

I look over at Roman with all of my strength and say, "At first, I thought that without you I would disappear (MCR reference yaaaa) but after all of this, I realize that you are the reason why I disappear."

They'll know just who we are