A/n: I live for angst.

TRIGGER WARNING

Suicide
Self harm is mentioned
Wanting to die
AngstAngstAngst

Death had always interested him. The concept of it was horrifying-nobody knew what was on the other side. Was there a heaven? Was there a hell?

He wondered, was the other side a better one?

Did they stay on Earth, except just in the form of ghosts? Was there a place they all would go, perhaps another planet, another universe?

Maybe they would get reborn. Maybe they had been reborn, multiple times. You would never know. How could you?

But now, death seemed like a really tempting thing.

Maybe when you died..you were just..gone..a pile of decaying bones, laying in the ground. No spirit or soul would live on.

And he was perfectly okay with that.

He dangled over the edge of the bridge. The waters below practically begging him to fall forward, and be swallowed mercilessly by the crystal blue waters below.

He thought of how many people could've been drowned in the water, or killed. He thought of how many people before him may have committed suicide, and how many corpse's were thrown over the bridge after a gruesome murder.

So many accidents. So many mistakes.

Yet everybody still viewed the river as beautiful.

He wished he could be the same. No matter how many flaws, or imperfections he'd have-people would still adore him.

But that would never happen.

He inhaled deeply through his nose, setting his phone beside him as he began ignoring the stinging in his eyes. If his tears fell down his chin and into the waters below, so be it.

He'd look on to his tears in jealousy as they fell hundreds of feet into the water.

Jealousy. He felt that a lot.

His middle school boyfriend, taken by his brother. He didn't care all that much anymore-what was his name..? Logan? It still hurt.

Jealousy.

His mother, favoring his picture perfect brother over him.

Jealousy.

His father telling him to grow up, while his brother looked on smugly from where he sat.

He hated the constant competition between him and his brother. By now though, it wasn't even a fight-it was clear who'd won.

Roman. As always.

Remus wiped his tears away.

And he imagined jumping, his family sobbing, asking, "why would he ever do this?! I don't understand!-"

Hah. Of course. That's exactly what would happen.

It was funny how the only way to get love and attention from his parents was to literally just die.

As he thought about his family, everything wrong he ever did in his life, he began to lean over the edge.

He allowed himself to.

What did he have to live for?

Buzz buzz

His phone rang.

The contact name came up.

💛💛💛Janus💛💛💛

He blinked, being snapped out of his thoughts as he saw the name. He answered the face-time call.

"Remus, where are you! Virgil's getting scared, and you know what happens when he gets anxious!" Janus joked.

Remus smiled, looking at Janus' beautiful face.

Virgil came into frame, smiling-it wasn't his usual sly smirk. It was a genuine smile. He looked so happy to see Remus.

"We're watching The Last House on the Left tonight, we know how much you love graphic, violent movies" he smiled.

"..Which one?" Remus asked suspiciously.

Janus rolled his eyes, "1972."

"Bet." Remus smirked, hanging up the phone.

He buried his face in his arms, looking at the waters below him.

How the hell did he even think of doing this?!

He began to cry harder at the thought of leaving his boyfriends. The thought of their pain.

"Oh my god" he whispered, but it was taken away by the crisp chill of the night wind.

He got off from the bridge, wiping his eyes with his long sleeves, which hid the scars of memories he'd rather forget.

He grabbed his bag, and began to walk home to the apartment he shared with his boyfriends.

Who cares about his family? He ran away from them two years prior when he was 16.

He had a much better family now. He didn't need his mom. He didn't need his dad. He didn't need Roman.

All he needed was snuggles on the couches with the men he loved.

And maybe that therapist Virgil had been telling him about.

He always wondered, was the other side a better one?

He still didn't know.

But he dis know one thing-it would be a long time until he found out.