Warnings: virgil is anxious and sad, mentions an anxiety attack, mentions tears, virgil is self deprecating

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It was late at night, Virgil hadn't got any idea how late, but later than he should be awake. And he was lying on his back on the living room's floor, absolutely exhausted from the anxiety attack that he had pretty much just calmed down from.

Virgil wasn't having a great night.

Not only had he a while ago realized that he had managed to fall (that's right, romantically fall) for Patton, but those very feelings were also spurring on his self deprecating thoughts and insecurities to a sometimes overwhelming degree.

Patton was so kind and nice and funny and caring and understanding and talented. Virgil was... a mess. An anxious mess that, no matter how many times the others told him otherwise, mostly just made life more difficult for them all. How could he ever deserve sweet and kind Patton? And why would Patton ever fall for him?

Yes, Virgil was aware how pathetic it was to have an anxiety attack about a crush never liking him back. Apparently that did not stop his brain from pulling him into the raging dumpster fire that his mind sometimes became.

His feelings were just overwhelmingly stupid and hopeless. Not only was the chance of Patton liking him back approximately zero percent, Patton also insisted on treating Virgil as if he was his son, using terms like 'kiddo' and 'son' when referring to him. (At least he called everyone kiddo and at least he had been using those terms less often lately.)

Obviously Patton couldn't have feelings further from romantic for Virgil. And it was so embarrassing that that bothered him so much, he shouldn't let his feelings get to him this much, but sometimes his thoughts were relentless and tonight the self deprecating thoughts about how stupid and unlovable and lonely he was had pushed him over the edge and into an anxiety attack. Granted, he'd already been overly anxious tonight since Thomas had an interview tomorrow (today?).

But now Virgil was so tired and sad, his entire body feeling as it weighed a billion tonnes, and he was just lying on the floor for a too long while before he somehow managed to get up and stumble into the kitchen to get a glass of water and sit down by the table.

He didn't bother turning any lights on, instead just sitting there in the dark and forcing himself to take a sip of his water every few minutes to try to make up for the tears he'd accidentally let fall during the anxiety attack, hoping that maybe it would calm the headache that was causing a pulsating pain in his skull.

He heard soft footsteps coming down the stairs and towards the kitchen, and maybe he should move, sink out and into his room to avoid facing whoever it was that was coming downstairs. But he didn't move, didn't have the time to gather up the strength to move at all, so when the person stepped into the kitchen and flipped the light switch on Virgil was just staring out at the room, blinking and squinting at the sudden light that stabbed his eyes.

"Oh, Virgil!" Patton gasped in surprise and Virgil made a noise somewhat near a grunt, realizing how much of a mess he must look as he saw Patton's expression shift from surprised to worried. His eyeshadow had to have run down his cheeks with his earlier tears, he probably looked disgusting. This is exactly the opposite of how he wanted Patton to see him.

"Kiddo, what happened, how are you?" He asked and Virgil closed his eyes, leaning his head in his hand as he shook his head.

"Had 'n anxiety attack. Self deprecating thoughts. 'M fine." He said, words slightly slurred as his mouth and brain wasn't entirely willing to cooperate. Patton moved a chair next to Virgil's and sat down, pulling Virgil into a hug that he was far from strong-willed enough to resist.

He felt fresh tears burning in the corner of his eyes, Patton was so warm, Virgil hadn't known he was so cold. He closed his eyes to hinder the tears from falling, melting into Patton's hold as he, with one arm still securely around him, brought a hand up to softly run through his hair, fingertips massaging his scalp.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" He asked hushedly after a few minutes, in that soft way hat only Patton could. But Virgil shook his head, hiding his face in Patton's pajama top, ignoring the persistent thoughts in his head that told him to stop being clingy, he was probably annoying Patton, and how nice it felt to have Patton close like this, how he wished that he wouldn't have to let go.

"That's okay." Patton hugged him closer, and Virgil felt his lips be pressed to his temple, making his breath stutter, hopefully unnoticeably. How had this happened, how had he fallen this stupidly hard for one of the other sides? Were sides even supposed to be able to have these feelings for each other?

Probably not, and that was another reason why he felt so stupid and so sure that if anyone know they would find him weird and maybe things would go back to how it had been before when they were all uncomfortable with his presence.

"You should sleep, Pat." Virgil managed, because he shouldn't make Patton feel like he had to sit here with him all night.

"It's okay, I couldn't sleep anyway. And I'd rather sit here with you, if you'd let me." Patton said, sweet, kind, amazing Patton. So pretty (yes, Virgil knew they all had the same face, but still, somehow-), and so loving. Virgil was feeling such a confusing mix of loving and sad feelings right now, it was too late for this, he was too tired for this.

He sat up, untangling himself from Patton despite not wanting to, wincing at the stab of pain in his head from the effort to do so, Patton's hands immediately coming to hold onto him.

"It's fine, just a headache." He said miserably, trying to sound like it wasn't a big deal but Patton immediately frowned and summoned up a box of ibuprofen, getting a pill out and giving it to Virgil.

"Take this, please." He said and Virgil forced himself to swallow the pill with a few sips of water, trying not to gag. Pills sucked.

"Good, Vee, you're doing amazing." Patton praised and Virgil almost rolled his eyes at the fact that Patton would praise the smallest of things.

Patton looked tired (Virgil wondered what it was that had kept him up) but despite that his smile was so soft that Virgil almost forgot how to think. Like always.

Maybe it was just because of how late it was and how exhausted he felt, probably having no scrap of common sense left, but...

"I think I love you." Virgil said, his brain luckily enough too tired to even panic about what he had just said. He would surely panic in the morning though when he woke up and remembered what he had said and how Patton had gently shot him down.

"I love you too, Vergie." Patton said softly and Virgil felt his eyes burn with those stupid tears again. He sniffled, shaking his head.

"No, I love you, and you don't get it. I love you and it's stupid and I hate it and- and-" God, he was so stupid and sleep deprived he didn't even know how to act anymore and he didn't care any more. Patton cupped Virgil's face in his hand, thumb brushing away a tear that had managed to escape.

"No, Vee, I love you too, in any way you mean those words. I love you and I'm in love with you." He said and Virgil just stared at him, taking a few trembling breaths as he tried to understand what Patton saw saying to him.

"What?" Virgil really could not comprehend this right now, it was too late, he was too emotional, and after an anxiety attack and not enough sleep for at least a week his brain really could not function. Patton kissed Virgil's forehead, holding his face so carefully.

"Come on, sweetie. You're exhausted and sleep deprived, let's get you to bed, we'll talk more tomorrow, yeah?" Patton helped Virgil up from the chair.

"Okay." Virgil said, hating the idea of going to bed alone in his room where his brain would have the rest of the night to convince him this was a dream or a hallucination, even if he had never before had a hallucination. But he allowed Patton to guide him upstairs anyway, not wanting to be a bother and annoying and he knew Patton wouldn't agree to him being up all night.

But Patton stopped before they reached Virgil's room, outside his own room and at first Virgil was confused but then Patton pulled him with him into the room.

Oh.

Patton's room was cozy, stuffed animals with the many pillows and blankets on the bed, old stuff from Thomas' and the sides past on shelves, fairy lights strung up on the walls to give it all a soft glow, a fluffy carpet on the floor, a couch and a table in a corner with two beanbags on the floor. Drawings and pictures were taped to the walls, of them and animals and cute things.

Patton snapped his fingers to change himself into pajamas and Virgil collected whatever strength he had to do the same, almost stumbling afterwards but Patton was already pulling him towards the bed. He moved stuffed toys to the side, making room for them both to cuddle up under the blankets.

"Love you, Vergie." Patton said, an arm around him.

"Love you too." Virgil said quietly. He was going to be incredibly embarrassed in the morning when he woke up and remembered what a sleep deprived and awkward mess he'd been, but for now he was already falling asleep, feeling safer in Patton's arms than he ever had before.

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Written: 8th November 2020
Published: 21st September 2021
Words: 1705

Wtf I wrote this so long ago????

Anyway. Hope yall are having a good day :) I had a job interview today, like a whole ass adult ahfjdbfb