((TW e*ting d*sorder(specifically an*r*xia) ,self hate,mentions of s*lf h*rm, counting calories Remus calls Patton daddy at some point because it's who he is))

Patton's POV
I was in my room writing down everything I've eaten today,all the calories,any cuts I've made,how much I've worked out today,how much water I've drank and most importantly how much I weighed 120 pounds(About 54.5 kg) I was still looking fat,to gross. I finally finished writing down what I had to,the page written in neat,loopy,blue writing and organized so I can look back easier. I put my nearly full journal with my other ones under my bed and went down to the kitchen,I wasn't going to eat,no, I was going to grab a water and go for a run. I needed to loose the calories I ate earlier anyways. I had a cookie and I was still disgusted with myself. Like,how could I do that to myself. I needed to work off those calories and punish myself later.

"Where are you going  Padre?"I hear behind me as I lace up my baby blue converse

"Im just going on a run Kiddo" I respond with a happy tone.

"Didn't you already go on one today,we were about to do a movie night if you want to join instead" he says

"No thank you Roman, also yeah,I have but I just like them. Ill be back soon and ill make Dinner when i get back okay?"

"Okay Patt,have fun"

"Thank you" after that I head outside taking a run.

I ran until I felt like I couldn't breathe. Until I felt like my lungs were collapsing. I ran until I felt the world spin. I ran until I was about to pass out,about a mile. I took a break drinking a bit of the water still walking,I never stopped moving i never did I claimed it was energy but its really just boring calories. As long as you move you burn calories. Soon I started to run again,it was a process I would run until I couldn't anymore,then I would walk until I could breathe a bit then I would run again. This went on a good five,sixes times before I ran back to the mind palace. My face was red,my breathing was ridged by the time I got back. It hurt to breathe. I walked back to my.room sitting down just long enough to catch my breathe and write down what I ran. What I drank, everything. I then finished my water and went downstairs.

As I get downstairs i start to make dinner for everyone,but my of course. I was making russet garlic chicken with pasta,knowing it was a 'fan favorite' with everyone. It was my favorite too that's why I made it. As a bit of a punishment for earlier. This wasn't my punishment this was more teasing myself. I knew i wouldn't eat it. Anyways I cook happily,I really do love cooking. I love making food. I hate eating it.

"Hello Patton, I came to ask what dinner was tonight?" A calm,monotone voice came from behind me.

"Russet garlic chicken with pasta Logan,it shouldn't take too long." I reply turning to the logical side with a smile

"Okay,thank you" he starts "also,are you okay?" He asks

"Yes,why wouldn't I be?" I ask confused

"You were really red when you got home. I just wanted to be sure but you were in your bedroom before I could ask earlier" he explained

"Oh, yeah,im okay! I just ran a bit too much is all Lo! Thank you for worrying Kiddo but im okay"i reply calm

"Okay as long are you are alright. I shall see you at dinner" Logan then leaves.

I continue to cook by the time everything has a few minutes left in the oven i hurry and get everyone from their rooms. During meals everyone gathered around. Light sides,dark sides,neutral sides. anyone that was a part of Thomas's personality. Anyone in the mind palace.

"Pranks,Missy dinner will be done soon" i say knocking on the neutral sides door. Pranks and Missy didn't really make much if an appearance in videos,Missy was misleading compliments and pranks was pretty self explanatory. They were the youngest here,almost like children.

"Coming dad!"
"On the way dad!"they call out,calling me dad, they did this all the time and it made me smile a bit.

"Okay kiddos,ill be down soon. Im getting the others. Next were Remus and Janus. They both were in the darker part if the palace.I go to their rooms and knock

"Remus, Janus. Dinner" i say calmly.

"Im not coming" I hear from Janus

"On the way daddy~" Remus calls

"Okay, im going to get the others,be down soon" I say getting the others.

"Roman, Virgil,Logan dinner!" I call to the others.

"I will be right there Patton" from Logan

"Coming" from a tired sounding Virgil

"On the way Padre" from a cheerful Roman

They all walk out and head downstairs to the dinning room, i head back to finish and plate dinner.

Pranks,Virgil Remus and Roman liked extra chicken

Logan liked everything as close to the same as he could get. He was pretty picky sometimes

Janus and Missy liked extra pasta

I got everything the way everyone liked. I then got tea for Janus and Logan, juice for Virgil,Pranks and Missy, Soda for Remus and Roman and water for myself. Bringing everything to the dinning room where everyone was sat down in their seats. Well,technically Pranks was standing,standing and Remus was perching like an actual bird.I laugh softly setting down what i was holding in from of who it was for, going to get the rest setting it down too. I then go sit in between Roman and Missy, Pranks to Missy's left, then Virgil, then Logan , Then Janus, Then Remus, lastly Roman.  

"You aren't eating?" Roman says already eating

"Im not hungry Kiddo, i ate before i left on my run. I saved myself some for later though" I respond calmly drinking my water.

"Okay" Roman says, Janus looks up at me. I forgot he was here.

"Patton, can I not talk to you before dinner?"

"of course" I say, everyone else ate we all talked to each other as dinner went on. 

soon enough dinner was over and everyone left the room but Janus and I, I was a bit worried but I kept it hidden

"You wanted to talk Kiddo?" I say in my 'happy pappy' tone

"Why didnt  you lie? Oh and do try to hide it, Patton. I love seeing you suffer"Janus says 

"I dont know what your talking about" I try

"lies"

"Its fine Jan"

"you are a terrific liar Patton you should so keep it up" Janus says slightly sarcastically

"Nothing is wrong Janus. Im fine. Its fine. Im not lying" I say getting a bit nervous, subconsciously pulling at my sleeves and scratching again. I would just add more for letting my mask slip later. I needed to be punished still

"Then show me your arms and eat." the snake side said dead serious

"Why would i do that" I back up a bit as he comes closer, i about take off but he catches me. Jan pulled me close to his chest and held me with one hand pulling up my sleeves to my cardigan with the other showing the deep marks on my upper arm. 

"Patton..." He looks at the cuts shocked "Why" he asks looking up at me, i look down before looking at him telling the truth. there was no point to lie anyways, he knew

"I needed to be punished" I say simply,my voice far too calm for the situation

"No you dont,why would you need punished." Janus says,voice filled with worry.

"For eating,for making people worry,for not being able to be happy,for being a mistake,for everything,because I love someone who will never ever love me back. The better question is what do I have to not he punished for. The answer is nothing. May i go now Janus? I have things to do" I say he immediately pulls me close hugging me which catches me off guard even though he was already holding me.

"No,im not letting go. I know you.will go hurt yourself and im not letting you" he says,why cant he just let me be.

"Why?"

"Because I care about you! I love you and so do so many people, Patton. You matter to all of us and I don't want to see you hurt anymore and I won't let you be hurt anymore. I won't let you be alone, i wont allow you to feel like you deserve pain Patton." Janus said,voice truthful. I just tilt my head.

"Why would you care about about me?" I say. Voice trailing off a bit.

"Because i love you. Because I love you and I cant love without you okay? Because i do. I care. I care so much! Thats why. I love you and seeing you hurt and dying breaks me. It hurts Patton. It hurts to know that you're in pain and I don't know how to help" the snake-like side blurts out.

Love? He loved me. No one loves me though. Not actually,so why does he seem so genuine? Why cant i tell he's lying. Maybe it abecasue he's Deceit and that's his job? Maybe he's telling the truth,but love? I. I cant believe it.

"You..love me?" I start quietly. It almost hurt to say those words. All because it finally clicked. People care about me. They actually care about me, someone actually loves me the concept almost bizarre but I wouldn't mind learning to love him and myself too,but first I would need to get better. Maybe with him and the others I could.

By this point I was crying. I was bawling,tears pouring like emotion-filled waterfalls as I let myself break. I clutch to Janus like he would leave to if I let his silky caplet fall from my shaking hands. Eyes burning from hit tears. I feel a strong,comforting arm around my lower back and another aroumd my upper back gently hands rubbing gently circles on my back and soft whispers filling the air with painful cries trying their best to calm me from my weeping.

"Im sorry! Im so sorry! Im sorry for n-not seeing how p-people cared how i-i-i was hurting you" I start receiving a gentle 'dont apologize' before we both fall relatively quiet except for my cries and soft comforting whispers from the other side. This went on for hours though it didn't feel like too long. I felt happy in his arms like really,genuinely happy. Like I could take on my mind and win. I felt loved and safe. I felt like i had a reason to live and get better.

"I want to get better for you and the others,I want to be able to love myself so I can love you. Janus,can you help me get better? You make me feel safe and genuinely really happy. When I'm with you I feel like I can get better. When I'm with you I'm okay again. Janus I look at you and I have a reason to live." I say. He holds me closer and i let him

"Then I will help you and if I can get you to see the beauty in the world and love yourself then thats all I need. If my feelings are shared while doing so thats just a bonus,even so. Ill be waiting for you for as long as it takes and I will help you get better Patton. I will make you want to live again."

And so he did, our story continues and Janus helps me through my struggles. Helping me find a reason to live.

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That is it for this chapter!!
Should I do another part where its fluff or something? Let me know. Sorry this took so long as well!!
Thanks for reading Anyways that's all for now guys gals and Non-binary pals! Peace out and ill see you later!

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