I can only contain the angst for so long so I'm sorry in advance for this. But anyways, the reason I haven't been posting a ton is because I'm trying to plan (and also kind of replanning) two stories at once.

Trigger warning: thoughts of being unwanted/ducking out (quack), silent treatment, anger, sadness, crying, depressive episode including self harm and suicidal/unwanted thoughts, that should be all but if there's more tell me. Stay safe, y'all.

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The video had happened about a month ago. The dreaded video that caused Roman to stay in his room ever since. He could summon everything he needed so he didn't need to leave at all. The only times the others saw him was whenever Thomas absolutely needed him for something. But even then he would get there, not talk to the others and contribute only when needed. Which wasn't a lot.

Now it was his birthday. He had always loved his birthday. It was the day where he could be bright and extravagant and no one could stop him. But today, this birthday, this horrible day, he wasn't feeling bright or extravagant. And frankly, he didn't feel very special or needed.

He sat against the wall with his hands in his hair. His room was dark and gloomy. He felt the weight of everything on his shoulders.

There was a knock at the door. He didn't move. He couldn't. No one could see him like this. He had a dignity to uphold.

"Kiddo? Can I come in?" Patton asked from beyond the door. There was silence for a moment and then Patton tried the door. It was locked. He sighed. "I heard from a little birdie that it was your birthday today!" He said cheerily. "Happy birthday! Uhm I made you a cake! I sent it into your room earlier..."

Roman looked over at the single piece of cake that was sitting on his bedside table. His stomach churned in hunger but he didn't move.

"I hope you liked it! I tried really hard to make it good..." he paused and waited for a response if he was going to get one. He didn't.

"We all really miss you. We haven't seen you in a month and we're all really worried. Even Remus asked about you. He's been around us more too. But the mind scape isn't exactly the same without you."

Roman looked over at the door now. He was confused by that. Why should it matter if he's there or not? He doesn't matter to the mind scape.

Patton heard the slight movement and brightened up a bit.

"We have a whole thing set up for your birthday if you want to come down! We made another cake and we have some presents for you! We all pitched in to set everything up." He waited more and heard nothing once again. He sighed. "We'll be waiting for you if you do decide to come on down."

Roman stayed silent and curled in on himself at the idea of everyone waiting on him. He was always the one to hold everyone up.

"We love you, kiddo!"

Roman felt like he was going to throw up. He had trained himself that was a lie.

"Okay, see you down there!"

Roman heard Patton's steps receding from his door. He sighed and looked over to the shiny metal object just barely in his reach.

~~~~~~~~~~~

"Is he coming?" Remus asked when Patton walked into the common room.

"I told him about it, but I'm not sure." Patton said, his worry creeping into his tone. Everyone in the room stayed silent. They all knew why Roman was in his room and why he wouldn't talk to them. They knew how badly they had all messed up, but Roman wouldn't talk to any of them. Janus, Patton, and Remus were trying to make everything seem normal. Or as normal as normal could be.

They all sat there for a few moments until Patton decided they needed to do something to distract them while they waited for Roman. They sat on the couch all day watching Disney movies, but no one seemed to be able to focus. They were always looking over towards the stairs, expecting their fanciful companion to walk down any moment.

Then it was 8 pm. Roman hadn't come downstairs and Patton was getting ready to go to bed. All the others were tired so they would follow Patton soon. Well, all except one.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Roman sat against the wall once again, tears streaming freely down his face. He stared at his arms as crimson red blood ran down them. He frowned at the uneven cuts that littered his arms. He couldn't even do that right. His left hand was covered in blood from him wiping away blood from the cuts on his right arm only for it to keep flowing. It was a never ending cycle.

This had been his life for a month. This dreaded cycle. This hellhole that was his life. This stream of nothing. This unmotivation. This....

He had tried to go be with the others one night. They were having a Disney movie marathon. Roman walked down the stairs, expecting to see all of them jump up and be excited about seeing him, but instead he found them all asleep, Janus, Remus, Patton, and Logan all cuddled up together while Virgil sat staring at the TV, his gaze not completely focused.

Roman had felt heartbroken that day. It was like nothing was wrong. It was as if Roman had never existed. And maybe that would be helpful. If he just never existed. Or if he somehow stopped existing.

His mind played with the thought for a moment. How he would do it and when. How far would he have to be pushed before he did? How willing was he? What steps would he take before that was going to happen?

There was a knock at the door that pulled him out of his thoughts. But not a frantic one or even a fast one. It was slow and gentle. Roman was confused by this. Everyone who had visited him were either very frantic or way too cheery.

"Hey, Princey." it was Virgil. He sounded calm and collected but also worried and slightly frustrated. "I'm sorry about Patton. Earlier he was a bit... pushy."

Roman turned toward the door. His arm stung.  A lot.

"I know how it feels. To want to shut yourself in and to want to curl up and vanish from existence." He sighed. "I've felt like that for years."

Roman was intrigued by what Virgil was saying. It wasn't a secret that Virgil could calm Roman down and that he was Roman's favorite.

He could hear Virgil shuffle outside the door.

"Would you mind if I sat here?"

Roman crawled over to the door and sat facing it.

"I'll take that as a yes." Virgil sat crisscross facing the door. He looked down at his hands and fidgeted with them. The only thing separating them was the wooden door. "It sucks when you feel like shit. It messes with your mind. Your brain goes fuzzy and you forget about basic needs sometimes. Either that or you don't want to move."

Virgil paused and scooted toward the door, placing his hand on the door, leaning his forehead against it as well. "You've always been my favorite, Roman." He said quietly.

Roman sighed. He shouldn't be.

"I know what you're thinking, and it's not true. You deserve everything. You deserve so much more than you have."

"Oh, Virgil." Roman said. He hadn't used his voice in days, maybe weeks, and it came out as a husky sound. "How I wish that were true." He looked down at his arms and sighed.

"I wish I could show you how highly I think of you, Roman. You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for." He slowly turned to sit against the door. "You're this... amazing person who only looks out for others. So much so that you've put yourself so far behind just so others could feel good and secure. I mean, wedding over callback. That was a tough decision and through all that emotion and turmoil you picked to go to the wedding even though it hurt you and your progress."

Roman stayed silent, thinking it through. It was a tough decision. One that cost him a lot. He had cried over that loss. He had accepted that what he did was the right thing. But now he was being told that it wasn't. That they should have gone to the callback. That being selfish was sometimes needed. He came closer to the door, knocking on it softly.

"Yes?" Virgil said from the other side, perking up.

Roman sighed and reached up to unlock the door. He went and sat on his bed. "Come in." He said quietly.

Virgil got up from his place on the floor and slowly opened the door. He peeked in and saw Roman sitting on his bed. He looked over Roman. He looked tired and blank. He looked unhealthily skinny. He looked... horrible. Physically he was horrible. Mentally he was horrible. But that didn't make Virgil stop caring about him. In fact, it did the exact opposite.

Then Virgil looked down at what he knew would be there. He saw Roman's arms and his eyes widened. It was worse than he had expected. The blood was flowing fast. It soaked his shirt. He looked at where his sleeves were rolled up. His arms were littered with cuts. More than Virgil thought should be possible in a month.

He gave Roman a comforting smile and summoned a roll of gauze and some wound cleaning supplies. He sat next to Roman and looked up at him with sympathy and understanding in his eyes. He reached for his arm and Roman couldn't find it in himself to stop him. Virgil took his arm and got to work with cleaning and bandaging the cuts. He worked in silence.

As Virgil was bandaging Roman up, Roman hissed in pain every once in a while. Virgil sighed. "It's going to hurt a bit, but I have to stop the bleeding."

Roman stayed silent with a nod, trying to hold back his noises. Virgil looked up to his face and stared into his eyes with a look neither of them could place.

"I know how this feels." Virgil started, finishing up the gauze. "The physical pain. The mental pain. The relief that turns to guilt and sorrow." He let go of Roman's arm and rolled up his sleeves. They were also littered with scars. Some newer and some very old. Roman reached over and ran his fingers along the scars. "I did it for years. But I've been clean for a couple months now."

Roman looked up at him with sadness and pain in his eyes.

"What I'm saying is there's hope. And I understand." He paused and turned red. "I know that probably doesn't mean a lot but-"

Roman surged forward and gave him a hug. And even though Virgil didn't like physical touch, he didn't back away. In fact, he didn't really care when Roman did. He was honestly comfortable in his arms. He wrapped his arms around Roman and pulled him closer.

They stayed like that for a few minutes. Virgil just held Roman and let him shake and cry. Eventually, though, Roman pulled away. He sniffled and wiped his eyes.

"I'm sorry." He croaked out.

"What for?" Virgil asked with a confused and concerned smile.

"I ruined your shirt." He said and looked at Virgil's tear stained shirt.

"Roman..." He took Roman's chin in his hand and tilted Roman's head up. He looked hurt and broken. It was better than him being blank so at least there's that? "You didn't ruin anything." Roman looked into his eyes. He looked surprised and then he smiled. A true smile.

He didn't know how much he needed that. But he couldn't be happier with the words that came out of Virgil's mouth. Having the closure of not doing everything wrong was something Roman had hoped for from the moment he appears back in his room after the video.

His mind had been such a pit of darkness and emptiness that he hadn't even known what happiness could feel like. But now there was a light at the end of the tunnel. A shred of hope.

"Thank you." He said and closed his eyes, relishing in the feeling of happiness that he could feel in the pit of his stomach. "Thank you so much."

Virgil watched him smile and breathe and he smiled himself. All he had wanted for the past month was to see Roman come down the stairs or come to one of their movie nights or to show up at his door. And now that Virgil had the courage to help him, he knew Roman would be alright. He could feel it. He could see it in the way he perked up slightly and in the way he smiled.

Virgil grabbed his hands and Roman opened his eyes and looked at him, a soft smile on his face. "Now how about me and you celebrate your birthday? Without all the others."

Roman had a look of determination as he stood. "Let's do it." He said and grabbed Virgil's hand, pulling him out of the room. Virgil chuckled softly and stopped Roman.

"You have to wait here while I set everything up, alright?" He asked in a whisper. Roman nodded and closed his eyes.

Virgil walked into the kitchen and set everything up and a few minutes later he walked back over to Roman, leading him into the kitchen and telling him to open his eyes.

To say everything was perfect was an understatement. Everything looked like what Roman had dreamt his birthday party to be. He smiled brightly and let himself walk toward the cake.

They both celebrated Roman's birthday until midnight. Patton walked out of his room at around 10 pm to see what the noise was and saw the two of them eating cake and laughing at the stories they were telling. Patton smiled and walked back to his room, knowing if he barged in he would ruin the night for both of them. That was the happiest he had seen both of them in months.

(2411 words)

Well that ended happily! I like how this chapter turned out honestly. It was fun to write and I was in an angst mood when I started it. But the day I'm finishing it has got me in a fluff mood so I made the end fluffy but not too fluffy.

I have two chapters planned and I'm hoping to have those both done today, but they're pretty long so I don't know.

Anyways! Have a great day/night, lovelies!

-Skye