TW: Depression

Logan POV:

~~2 days after the first part~~

I hate emotions, I thought as I collapsed onto my bed.

Thomas has been working on a script for a new video, and there has been a lot of research going into it. I've been up until the early hours of the morning looking through resources so that the facts Thomas has in the video are accurate.

This has led to me being exhausted and, although I hate to admit it, rather emotional.

Just this morning I almost broke down because I dropped my glasses and thought they broke.

It's days like this that I wish I was a robot. Then I wouldn't be able to get emotional, and I could research 24/7 instead of having to take breaks to sleep and eat. 

I laid on my bed, staring at the ceiling. I didn't have any motivation to do anything, which I had found was becoming more and more common these days. 

I eventually took off my glasses and tie and set them on my bedside table, next to my laptop, which was open to the most recent article I was reading. 

I turned to look at my computer, debating whether or not I should continue the article that was pulled up.

When I first started it two days ago, I had hoped to finish reading and taking notes on it in an hour, but, here I was, two days later, and I was barely halfway through because I kept losing interest and getting distracted by other things. 

After much debate in my mind, I put my glasses back on and grabbed my laptop.

I read a few sentences before my mind lost interest. I forced myself to keep reading, even though the only thing I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. 

I was able to read 3 paragraphs, but only because I took a three-minute break between every sentence. 

My mind was exhausted, and I ended up blankly staring at the screen of my laptop for over half an hour. I wasn't thinking about anything; my mind was completely blank. 

Eventually, a thought popped into my head that worried me slightly. 

I opened a new tab and typed my concern into the search bar.

Am I depressed?

I pressed enter and grinned slightly when I saw that there were 482,000,000 results in 0.37 seconds. If only my brain could work that fast.

I clicked on the second link, which took me to a 2-minute quiz.

I filled out the questions, which asked many questions, some of which were if I felt hopeless, if it was hard for me to concentrate, if I thought about how to kill myself, and if I felt like a failure.

I pressed the button that scored my answers, pretty sure that I knew what it was going to say.

The results said that I had moderate depression, which did not surprise me.

I immediately looked up the major causes of depression and found that stressful events often lead to depressive episodes in some people.

I thought back on the past few months, and the only really stressful events I could think of were when Thomas was creating new videos.

I opened another tab and searched Does stress cause depression.

I found an article that explained the stress-depression connection, and it said that sustained stress reduces those "happy" chemicals in your brain. 

As soon as I read that, a thought popped into my head and I froze.

Now you know that there's something wrong with you. Your human brain is interfering in your ability to get stuff done. It really would be better if you were a robot.

I immediately set my laptop to the side and started pacing my room. 

If I didn't do anything, I would continue being unproductive, but if I told anyone, they would just think I'm weak. 

I laid down on the floor in the middle of my room and stared at the ceiling, thinking over everything I had discovered in the past 20 minutes. 

I probably had depression, it was most likely caused by the stress from the videos, and there was no way I could tell anyone else.

I faintly heard a knock on my door, but I ignored it, not having the energy or willpower to get up. 

A few seconds later I heard another knock, louder this time. 

I slowly got up and trudged to my door, almost tripping over books and clothes that were sprawled across my floor.

I reached the door and plastered a smile on my face.

I opened the door.

"How may I be of assis..." I trailed off, seeing that there was no one there. 

I sighed and looked down and saw a large dark blue envelope. 

I picked it up, noticing that it was quite heavy. 

Looking closely I saw a small label that read:

To: Logan
From: A friend

I took the package into my room and sat on my bed. I opened the envelope and pulled out 3 sudoku puzzle books, 2 crossword books, 3 word search books, and 2 1000 piece puzzles.

I immediately opened one of the sudoku books and smelled the pages. They smelled like new books, which was probably my favorite smell in the world. (A/N: Call me crazy, but I actually really love the smell of new books. And old books, as long as they're not too old)

I grabbed my pencil off my desk and started the first sudoku book. 

I didn't stop until I heard another knock on my door.

I got up and opened the door, a sincere smile on my face and the sudoku book still in my hand.

Standing there was Patton, and, from what I could smell, dinner was ready.

"Hey Logan!" he said cheerily. "I just came to tell you that dinner's ready. I understand if you're too busy to come, bu-"

"I'm not that busy actually," I interrupted. "I wouldn't want to miss dinner even if I was. It smells incredible."

"Oh, thanks. I just made tacos. It's nothing special."

"That's where you are wrong, Patton," I said. "Everything you make is special because you put so much love into everything you do."

Patton blushed and looked down. He saw the book in my hand, and as he looked back up, he caught sight of the pile of books on my bed.

"When'd you get those books?" he asked.

"Oh, I got them this afternoon. They were in an envelope that was just sitting outside of my door. It was rather strange," I said. "Would you happen to know who placed them there?"

"Sorry, Lo," he said. "I don't know who put them there."

"That's okay, Patton," I said, still curious about who left them there and if they knew that I was having a bad day.

"Well," Patton said, starting to walk away, "I'm gonna go tell Roman and Virgil that dinner's ready."

I stood in my doorway, watching Patton go first to Virgil's room, then Roman's.

As Virgil walked past my room, he saw the sudoku book in my hand and said over his shoulder, "Have fun with those!"

I smiled and shook my head, following him to the kitchen, where Patton had set up a feast of food.

A/N:

Hi guys. So, this chapter took quite an angsty turn right in the middle. I honestly had no idea that was gonna happen. That's just what my brain decided to write about. 

I understand that what Logan felt is not what everyone with depression goes through. That's just my experience with it, so I based it off of that. 

Please don't send me a bunch of comments saying that it's not accurate. It may not be accurate for you, but it's accurate for me, and it's easiest to write about what I'm familiar with.

I tried to make it a little happier at the very end, so I hope that makes up for some of what happened.

Question for y'all:

Should I do Roman or Thomas next? Comment who you want me to do next, and whoever has the most will be the one I'll do.

Feel free to leave requests for one shots you want me to do, and I'll get right to them.

Until next time,

Take it easy guys, gals, and non-binary pals!

~death_by_fanfic