Okay so, I do have a request that I'm working on (sorry that it's taking a while), but I need to write this for catharsis so yeah...here we go

AU/Prompt: human au

Ship(s): sleepxiety (take it as either romantic or platonic)

Requested by:

Warnings: anorexia, self harm, depression, suicide, death

(also yes, that is my handwriting in the photo above. No, it's not my note, this is solely for the chapter)

My hands shake as I grip the pen, trying to force words onto the page. It's not working. How do you expect me to work through all of my shitty feelings in five minutes when I haven't been able to do it in five years? And then try to put them into words? I should just write, 'peace, i'm out. see you in whatever afterlife there is'

Thar's not bad actually. I scribble it down on a crumpled piece of paper and leave it on my bed, next to my sunglasses and leather jacket. I'm going to miss them. I should clarify that I'm talking about my jacket and sunglasses, not the people in my life. I look around my room for, if all goes to plan, the last time. Well, that's what I said last time but I don't need to worry about remembering to lock the door this time.

My white walls have peeled patches and holes from where I moved posters and photo frames around over the years. My string of photo fairy lights is turned off for probably the first time since I got them. I stare at the photos of me and my friends from when we were younger and happy and all still alive. The one that catches my eye is the one of me and Virgil on one of our coffee 'dates'. He looks so beautiful with his large eyes made bigger by the dark eyeliner. His dark curly hair that swoops perfectly in front of his face and his smile that he tried to hide behind his hand.

That's how I remember him. Shy, adorable, smiley or I guess smirky. Not the sunken eyes and thinning hair as he turned into a skeleton before my eyes. I remember Virgil as the boy who would steal my food and not care what anyone thought of him. Not the boy who would politely refuse more and more food until he could barely stand. Not the boy who was so worried about what everyone thought that he wore baggier clothing and weighed himself every day. Not the boy I tried so desperately to help but failed and lost him.

I tear my eyes away from the photo and back to my bed that is fully made with all my blankets and pillows. I gently place a hand on the edge of it,

"Thanks for being the best therapist I ever had. You were there through all my breakdowns and soaked up my tears. I'll miss ya"

It's stupid that I'm thanking my bed, but I'm about to kill myself, I can do whatever I want. I do one final sweep of my room but see nothing worth prolonging the inevitable so I leave. I walk out of the house, ignoring as Patton asks where I'm going, and towards the woods. In the woods next to our house is a small but powerful waterfall and that's where I'm headed. Slitting my wrists is too much blood that I don't want them to have to clean it up. I already tried pills and it didn't work because they found me in time, and hanging is too much work. So. I'm going to jump. It's not high enough to kill me instantly but the force of the falling water and the rapids and rocks that wait below will be more than enough.

After a rocky ten minute hike, I reach the top of the waterfall. It's not that pretty actually. That's what you were expecting right? For me to say how beautiful it is here with the sound of the water and the trees and flowers. Maybe there would be a setting sun that casts the sky into all these amazing colours and I realise how much I want to stay alive to see this more. But that's not real life.

Real-life isn't a fairytale, and it sure as hell isn't pretty. Real-life takes everything hopeful and beautiful and worth living for and destroys it. It can make the prettiest people hate themselves and the happiest people stop smiling.

So no. It's not beautiful or pretty, in fact, it's quite boring and unattractive. The sky isn't filled with colour and it's not a dark and grismal either, it's just a regular blue sky with a few clouds dotted around. The ground composed of dark grey rocks and clumps of wet mud from where it rained the night before. There are no flowers and the trees are turning brown and yellow. Everything here is dying and I hope to join them in that.

I walk towards the edge and look down at the murky water. You know, I expected to be feeling a lot more than I am right now. In the movies and tv shows, they show the character crying and in pain as they kill themself but that's not how I feel. I don't feel anything. I don't care. I'm not going to cry or scream or even smile. I just don't care anymore.

As I take my final steps I start to feel a little guilty about the note I left. Maybe I should've written more, explained more. I should've written that I love them and that I'm sorry, even though it would be a lie. I've forgotten what it feels like to love something or someone and I most definitely don't feel sorry for this.

Fuck it.

I take the final step and I'm falling. The pressure of the water on my head is almost unbearable but it makes me feel more alive in a cruel twist of fate. It makes me feel more alive than the pain from all cuts on my body combined. My body smacks into the water causing me to gasp from shock and for water to rush into my lungs. My reflexes try and fight it but I don't listen. I go as still and limp as possible while the water continues to pound above me. My legs and back scrap across the jagged rocks, no doubt drawing blood. After being churned about under the waterfall, my body is dragged down the stream. The noise difference is almost instant. Going from the loud and chaotic waterfall to the steady and quiet stream was a welcome change.

My lungs fill with more water as I start sinking to the bottom. I start to feel lighter and lighter until it all stops. This is it. It's time to sleep now.

Goodnight world, and goodbye.

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"Local teen, Remy Morpheus, found dead at Charon Waterfall. Police suspect that this was a suicide attempt, but will refrain from making an official statement until after the autopsy. Our thoughts and prayers are with the loved ones."

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People cared for about a month and then forgot. Remy stopped being a person and just became another statistic or a cautionary tale. He didn't matter. He was just an ordinary teen who was beaten down too many times and couldn't fight anymore. He didn't give up, he never gave up. He fought for so long and so hard but in the end, it wasn't enough. He lost and now he was gone.

Emile, while sad that he lost one of his patients, had to move on a focus on his living patients. Roman, Logan and Patton didn't know Remy that well but were respectful and were there for Remus and Janus. Those two took it the hardest, having been the closest to Remy, but they too moved on and forgot. Well, they never forgot but they never spoke of him or their time together. Remy was cut out of their stories, just as Virgil had before. It wasn't because they didn't care, they did care. They cared so much that they couldn't bear to think about the fact that he wasn't here anymore that they decided to pretend he never existed.

Remy wouldn't've minded this, in fact, this was what he wanted. He was at peace now. No more fighting, no more pain, and no more heartbreak. There was just nothing, not a bad nothing, like the numb feelings from before. No, this was good. It was warm and comforting. It surrounded him and held him close as the darkness absorbed him and he became nothing himself.

I would tell you that Remy opened his eyes and he was in a vast white space with Virgil standing there waiting for him. They had a tearful reunion and they lived together happily ever after. After a few decades, their friends all joined them and they were all together again.

That is the nice ending. That is the fairytale ending. But if you'd been paying attention, real life isn't a fairytale. There is no happily ever after or nice endings. There are only sad endings. All endings are sad because it means that there is nothing left to see, hear, read, write or experience. It's just finished. And there's nothing you can do to stop that.

Believe the fairytale all you want, live in that fantasy, but remember when the time comes, real life won't be that perfect.

Um yeah, this isn't edited but yeah...

bye

~remy