A month...a month since I've been away from Louis and I swear that I've been trying to kill myself every single day, but Gemma, or one of my parents would always say something that would have me do something else besides doing that. Which is mostly paining. It's just so hard to do when your heart is no longer in your chest. We're still together, sure, but I just need him here. I want to make him happy again, and I want to make things right with him. It's so hard though, because I'm a fucking stubborn brat that doesn't deserve him.

Maybe he is right...I don't know. I think me trying to surprise him is too much and it's tainting our relationship. I have been sitting my wrist and thighs for many days now, and I just can't stop. I think when I'm dead is when I'll be happy with the outcome. Maybe then I'll do something right. Maybe then I'll make people happy. "Are you painting in there?" My sister asked through my bedroom door, but I couldn't reply. It was hard for me to speak anymore. I've cried myself to sleep every night to the thought of Louis not being with me anymore.

Maybe he wants to end things. Of course he does. Have you not met yourself? Your hideous, annoying, stupid, worthless, narcissistic, and a fucking gag. Who would want you? The thoughts came back to me after two weeks of us being apart and I just wanted to scream so loud, but I can't. I don't have a voice anymore.

I've enrolled back to face-to-face learning and Mrs. Malik keeps on trying to talk to me,but when she can tell that I can't, she would politely leave me alone. I think she's getting even more worried for me. Especially with the artwork that I have been giving to her lately. I think it's because of her seeing so much improvement in my personal life being tossed away and now is back to the depressive shit again.

This was my most recent art piece that I have given to her;

It was based on the emotions that I feel when the thought of Louis not being happy. I even wrote that on the back, and I'm sure that she told Louis about it. Because the next day, there was a small teddy bear in my locker that morning. It was either him or Mrs. Malik trying to cheer me up. I don't know what I did to get her to like me, but maybe I should distance myself from her too. I don't want her life to be in ruins because of me. I want her to be happy and stay happy. Especially when she's married and has a beautiful baby girl to go home to.

I think I'm a waste of everyone's time. I'm a waste of space and I shouldn't be here, but they won't let me go! Is is because of their love for me? Probably not. Again. Have you not met yourself? The voice asked me and I sighed. "Your right..." I said quietly. It came of as a whisper because I really did lose my voice. Which lead to knocking at my bedroom door. I stood up and walked to it. I opened the door and I saw my sister standing there. "Hey, how's the painting going?" She asked. "I'm tired Gemma. I'm turning in for the night, thanks for asking," I said and closed the door instantly. I locked it and I walked to my bed. It gave my cat a sign and she jumped onto my bed instinctively.

I smiled a little at her and I got into bed with my furry little feline. I rested on my back and she got on me. "Wanna hear another story about him?" I asked her and she just started purring. "I take that as a yes," I said with a weak laugh
I started to tell her the story as to how Louis and I became a unit. I told her every little detail that there was to offer and I told her the feelings that I had on that day. "I'm surprised that I wasn't in a puddle if freaking sweat. That was how nervous I was. When he said that he wanted to be with me, I felt like a freaking cloud. I was just so relieved."

You know that all that he was feeling for you was potty right? He didn't actually want to be with you. He actually saw you as some sad human being. He hates you actually!

"Alexa... Play Lou's song on low volume," I said and soon, I was hearing my baby singing his heart out to me. Thinking back on that moment makes me want to cry....

I come runnin' to you like a moth into a flame
You tell me, "Take it easy," but it's easier to say
Wish I didn't need so much of you
I hate to say, but I do
We're sleepin' on our problems like we'll solve them in our dreams
We wake up early morning and they're still under the sheets
I'm lost in my head, I'm spinnin' again
Tryna find what to say to you

"I feel the same way sweet...I just don't know what to do about it. My family won't let me leave the house unless it was school or getting my art stuff. I wish I could say what I want to your face instead of by myself. That was the purpose of my song to you. You keep me so alive and happy baby...I don't know what I did to deserve you, but I'm happy that you haven't left me. Don't leave me. I'll truly be all alone if you do. I really am going to think about what I did though!

I just wish that it was you right on my arms. I don't mind Rosie, but your body and warm touch is what I miss from you. Your endless soft snores and how you always tend to turn and hide your face into my chest is just so amazing. The smallest things just makes me fall in even more love with you. Should I just grow a pair and tell him what I have been up to? What if he thinks that I'm a dumbass?

You are? Why don't you just do him and everyone else a huge favor and just end it. End it all. Don't even say goodbye. They don't want to hear your annoying voice.

I just turned up the volume a little more so that I could mute the voice in my head a little more. I reached for my journal and I started to write about my day and how I'm feeling for the day. Of course ever since Louis and I parted, I fell into a deep depression and I just keep finding myself getting more and more lost by the second. I constantly turn on my phone and I would just cry at the sight of my baby on my lock screen. The picture contained me kissing his cheek as he was wearing a big smile on his face. That is all that needs to happen in order for me to be sent into another mental breakdown. I've even lost interest in doing art now. Like I still love art and I love doing it, but after what happened between Louis and I, I just have no energy to do it anymore.

Now I'm freaking dead...

Sad, nothing's going right
It seems you want to end your life
Just because your life isn't bright
Doesn't mean you're out of light
Don't end it, just push through
There really are people who care about you
You'll find someone who's right for you
There is no reason to feel blue
End it, don't end it
You have the choice
But you must listen
To a reasonable voice

Hey, this is the first month that I've been through this shit. I haven't seen my baby at all this past month, because we both states clearly that space is what we really need. God, I wish that I just told him what was going on. I wish that I could just tell him that I was in the process of making a song just for him. I wish that I just told him that I was looking at engagement rings because I can see myself with him for the rest of my life. No matter what it took, I wanted him to be mine forever. He's still mine, but that just makes me assured that he'll stay mine. Unless he wants a divorce...that will just kill me if that happened.

I think I want to get it...I have the ring that I want to propose to him with in mind. I'm just scared and I'm just so fucking nervous that he will just laugh in my face. It's not like as if I deserve a guy like him anyways. I'm sure that if I didn't end up with him, then he would've been with someone else who would make him more happier. After what I said and did...I wouldn't be surprised if he wanted to break up with me. I hate to admit it, but I know that he would be better off without me.

I ignored the voices as best as I could today, but you know how they are. They always get back to me when it's all quiet and when I'm in a vulnerable mood. Listening to my baby singing to me makes it all better though. It just mutes the voices for that time being. It still does enough for my mind. Rosie has been by my side too. Sometimes I wish that it was Louis right by my side, but that is not going to happen for right now. I mean, until I go to him in a couple of days.

Yup, the next time that I see him I will ask him to marry me. Today, I will buy the ring. Tomorrow, I'm going to prepare myself mentally for what is to come. Which is where the poem above came from. Louis is the last person who I have hope for. I hope that we end up happy again. I hope that we both smile at one another. I hope that all goes okay again. I'll see you again, but hopefully as an engaged man.

I closed the book and stood up fast. I walked out of my room and I walked down the steps. "You going anywhere?" Gemma asked from the living room. "Yes. I'm finally going to do the right thing." "Oh, are you going to finally go through with ending yourself?" "No. Someone has hope for me and I promised to never leave them. Now, I'm pursuing with my promise to keep them in my life forever." "What the fuck is that even supposed to mean?" "I never left my love. I never ended things with my sweet Louis, and now I'm going to make things so much better for us and ask him to marry me. I hope that we cross paths in years to come, but this is an official farewell for now." I open the door and I rushed to my bike. I got on and I drove to the nearest store that sold engagement rings.

I walked in and the store was about to close, but when an employee saw me, he walks up and says, "Hello, what is it that you need?" "I need the absolute perfect ring for my boyfriend. This past month just old me that I need him. I can't spend a day without him at all. I thought that I could function, but I'm falling apart." He softened at my words and got right on it.

He showed me a whole display case for engagement rings and I looked at each one. "None of them scream Lou- wait," I said and moved closer to a certain ring. "This is the one," I said, pointing at a black ring. It had a nice diamond in the right place. "Okay. That'll be 10,188.22 pounds. I will get you half off though. Just don't tell anyone," he says with a wink. I smiled and I thanked him. I tipped him 100 pounds and he was grateful. I tell him my lover's ring size.

Soon I had Louis's engagement ring in the palm of my hand. I get to Liam's house and when I knocked, he opened the door and he let me in immediately. I told him everything that I've been through and all that I'm getting myself ready for. He lets me stay at his place for as much as I need and I thanked him for that.

I hope that you say yes baby...
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