"Happy 1 year baby!" I heard Louis cheer as he walked into the kitchen. He is all smiles this morning. Which made me happy too. "Happy one year Lou," I replied and turned to look at our breakfast meal that was in front of me.

"Ooh, what's this?" Louis asks and I felt him lean into my body and his arms were around my torso. "I wanted to surprise you with breakfast in bed, but I guess now it's too late. I was too focused on making the meal nice that I forgot that you always wake up around 10 or 10:30." "You know you don't have to surprise me. I'd prefer a nice breakfast with my lovely boyfriend than a simple and boring breakfast in bed," he says and I felt him kiss my cheek.

"You sure?" "Harry, you know me more than anyone else. The fact that you know what time I wake up every morning is kind of creepy, but sweet at the same time. You know that I don't really like surprises all that much. It's nice to have every now and again, but you always surprise me on any anniversary that we have. It's fine if you just go for something a bit more like this," he says and I looked at him. "It's really great food, and you already know that I love eating with you," he speaks and looks up to see me staring at him.

"What?" He asks with a heat tilt. "I love you," I said before I lowered my head to kiss him. The kiss was smooth and I put every ounce of love into it. He was kissing me back of course, but I could tell that he was a bit shy about it. "Why are you shy baby?" I asked as I looked at him with a grin on my face. "I just rambled about how much I like to eat with you..." He speaks and I chuckled. "It was cute," I complimented and he shrugs a little. I proceeded to make the meal and when it was ready, him and I sat at the island, eating the delicious food.

"What do you have planned for today babe?" I asked when I was done. "Hmm...I want to set a date for the two of us tonight." "Oh?" "Yeah. You do the dates, I know, but I would like to take part in that too. I have a few ideas that I want to put into action," he tells me and I humm. "Well I'll let you handle that I guess." I walked to our bedroom and I went to my laptop. I opened it up and the screen turned on and it was on the site that I was looking at last night.

Engagement rings...

Now I'm not buying one like I've stated before. I'm just looking. Just so that I'll have the perfect one in mind for when the day does come. I hummed to myself as I scrolled through and I shook my head at a few, thinking that it was too simple for my Lou. I saved about 5, and I looked at them closely. I then got rid of two of them. Which just left me with 3, but I couldn't look at them for that long, because the bedroom door was opening.

I quickly closed my laptop and turned to see Louis at the doorway. He tilted his head and walked into the room. Which had me hold the power button, shutting my laptop off. "What was that?" He asks and I shook my head. "It was nothing honey. What is it that you need?" "I didn't need anything. This is my bedroom too if you've forgotten. Now what were you looking at? What were you doing on your laptop before I walked in?" He asked with arms crossed. "I already said that it was nothing. Now how about we go out today?" "Not until you tell me the truth. You're an awful liar Harry."

Should I tell him? But that would make things a little weird? I don't like feeling uncomfortable...I also don't like awkward tension...

"Look Louis, it's nothing important, so let's just drop it," I tell him with a sigh. "Well if it was nothing important, then show me what it was." "Do you not trust me?!" I asked, raising my voice. "Who are you telling at?!" "I'm, you are the only one in the room besides me! Now, do you fucking trust me?!" I asked, shouting now. "You know that I have bad trust issues Harry! You do too! Now just tell me what you were looking at before I walked in here!" "I'm not fucking cheating on you, so it's not important!" I yell before I brushed past him and walked out of the room.

I went down the steps and I didn't see him coming out of the room. Something just tells me that he was just trying to get into my laptop. Good thing that I never told him my password...right? Gee, the one who's in a really good relationship doesn't know if he's doing the right thing...fucking pathetic. What the fuck? I thought the voices died a while ago?

You can never get rid of us Harry. Your precious Louis has a good reason to leave you now. He never thought about leaving me...Mmm, I wouldn't be so sure of that. Haven't you noticed how he's been around you lately? He's loosing interest in you. He's starting to see what's wrong with you. He's starting to see why no one else loves you. SHUT UP! HE LOVES ME! Oh really? When was the last time that he said those words to you? This morning! He said that he loved eating with you. Not that he loved you.

Face it Harry, if it wasn't for your cooking skills and your art talent, you have nothing good about you going on. That's all that he likes about you. Your cooking and your art. If you had neither of those things, then he would just spit on you and walk away. Not fucking true! It's so true. Just accept it Harry!

I shook my head violently and walked out of the house. I went to our car quickly and I got in. I started to breath heavily, and I just knew that I needed to get to my 2nd happy place before it gets worse. My primary happy place would be my Lou, but he isn't in the mood for cuddles right now. I need to get to that cliff. I'm not going to jump, so don't freak out. I just relax there for my own sanity.

The drive there was short since I was speeding to get there. I am thankful that I didn't get pulled over, but my heads needs a bit of clearing right now. I had to get the bad thoughts out of my head, and screaming seems to be the best way to go. Then I'm going to head back home just so that I can write my thoughts and what went on in my journal. This was what my personal counselor told me, and they also told me that when I'm done, then I have to light it. This is what I always do when I fall into depression. Even if it was a small dose of depression, I still write it out.

I spent about an hour out there. I did scream, but I was just thinking for the most part. "Maybe I should go back and apologize? But then he's going to pester me and ask about what I was looking at. I don't want to tell him about it though. I don't want to look like an absolute idiot in front of his face..." I said to myself out loud. "Like...oh baby, I'm not buying anything, but I have been looking into some engagement rings. Want to pick out the one that you love the most? He's not going to want to do that. We are only at our one year for fuck sake. We are also not in a good mental state for something like that to happen."

"But maybe he's right? Maybe love has no time towards it?" I sat up at that thought, but I then shook my head. "He's going to think that it's weird and I don't like making things weird. I also hate awkward moments, so this is probably a good one to avoid. He might even think of me as some loser. Maybe my thoughts are right about that part. He's probably falling out of love for me. Seems like something that every person who has gotten close to me would do."

With that being said, I just let out another scream before I got up. I walked back to my car and I drove back home. Louis is still there, so I'm a bit happy about that. Because he is my home at the end of the day. Going anywhere with him would just make whatever place that is like home. Hell, he makes every place in the world feel like home.

"I'm back if you're ready to get this celebration started!" I called from downstairs. "Oh? And where exactly have you been?" He asked as he walked out of the kitchen. "Nowhere big. I just needed to clear my head. Are you still upset?" "What do you think?" He asked instead of answering the question. "Okay, I'll be in our room if you need me. I just need to jot my thoughts down," I tell him, walking up the stairs. I hate not hugging him whenever I walk in the house, but I know that he doesn't feel like hugging right now.

I always write some kind of poem before I start on the actual writing. It's weird, I know, but it's another form of art that I love that isn't including a paintbrush.

They say that happiness will find you,
But I think sadness finds you too,
It sneaks up on you in darkness,
Just when you think you've made it through,
It opens holes in what was solid ground.
The kind you never know are there,
And find you're standing over air,
The world around you passes by.
Until you go to take another step.
In blurs of colour and sound,
Nothing around you making sense,
As you continue your plummet down..
You can't remember how it started.
And you don't know when it will end,
But you know that you'd give anything,
To stand up on your feet again,
Sadness is that feeling.
When the falling doesn't stop.
And it saps your life of meaning.
And all the good things that you've got,
So when you finally hit rock bottom,
And you look back up at the sky.
What you once had seems so far away,
The only thing left to do is cry,
People all yell out "save yourself",
Calling things about "happiness" and "hope",
But they're too busy with their lives to realize,
It'd be a lot quicker if they let down a rope.

Hey journal, deep one today isn't it? Yeah, today didn't go as nice as I hoped. Today is our 1 year anniversary, and instead of celebrating it with smiles and laughter, we argued like as if we were tired of each other. I'm not tired of my Lou though. It's him that I think is tired. He's tired of me complaining. He's tired of me being an idiot. He's tired of me being a shitty boyfriend. I don't know what I boing. I promised him so much, and I'm already failing at that. Should I just say what's going on? I don't want him to think of me as a freak though...

Anyways, the voices came back to me. I thought that I fully got rid of them a while ago, but I guess that I can never be free of this tort-" "Are you cooking tonight?" Louis asked and I saw him step into the room. I looked straight at the white wall with an emotionless face. "Is that a no?" "Can't do that with how I'm feeling right now..." I said and looked at my journal. "Harry, what's wrong?" "You care?" "I'm mad at you, but I still care for you." "I'm depressed. If you let me into he kitchen, then I might do something that I'll surely regret..."

It was quiet for a little. I feel the bed dip and I was soon being cuddled by Louis. "Louis..." "Like I said the other day. We can argue like a bitch, I don't care. You aren't leaving me," he states before he got comfortable on me.
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