July, 2019

When my eyes blinked open again, I was long gone from the alley. The room around me was a mix of familiar and unfamiliar. Deja vu slammed through me as I tried to pin where I had seen this place before, though everytime I dug deep into my memory bank, I came out blank.

Sitting up, the blanket fell from around me. I hoped a new perspective of the room would clarify the warm feelings that came with this bedroom, yet the throbbing headache stole the show.

Reaching for the bedside, I grabbed the glass of water that seemed to be almost waiting for me and downed it in one go.

Then, when the world seemed to stabilise slightly, I placed my hands on my head and channelled some magic into me to rid the remaining fog.

Hangover finally gone, my eyes re-focussed on the room.

It clearly belonged to a witch of some sort. Relics, potions, and gems filled every empty space.

And I could tell whomever this room belonged to was also a reader—given the extensive book collection lining one wall. It was bigger than Ben's and filled with familiar favourites—Jane Eyre, Frankenstein, Pachinko.

My stomach squirmed as I started to clue in to who the owner of this room was.

Gently grabbing the pillow, I lifted it up to my nose and inhaled deeply. Sandalwood and vanilla.

My heart started pounding, and I almost stumbled out of the bed as I looked around for more clues.

His handwriting was scrawled over notes on his desk.

His clothes filled the walk-in wardrobe.

And after I pried out his copy of Pachinko, there we still were. Four pictures from a photo booth of us once in love.

How did he find me last night?

Why did he find me?

Better yet... where is he now?

I started to make my way to the door, desperate to seek him out, when a note bearing my name on the bedside table caught my attention and stopped me in my tracks. Right by it was a vial of a glowing, purple liquid. Shuffling over, my fingers shook as I picked it up.

Olivia,

Make sure you drink this potion. It's a contraceptive. A child is the last thing you and I need right now.

~ L.

No, 'Let me know how you're doing when you wake up.'

No, 'I had to duck out, but I'll check on you soon so wait for me.'

No, 'I'll come find you later. Please take it easy.'

Just a, 'Heaven forbid we tie ourselves to each other further.'

Unable to stop myself, I tore up the paper into small strips, sprinkling its remnants over the bedside before I uncorked the vial. To add to my dramatic statement, I then slowly poured the liquid over the paper pile until most of it had stained purple or shrivelled and gone soggy.

Then I dropped the vial on the table and stormed out of the room.

I barely made it to the stairs when a figure stopped in front of me, cutting me off from leaving.

I knew who it was before I even glared up at him.

His golden eyes brimmed with darkness as we stared at each other in a silent standoff.

Though I refused to break the silence first.

Endless time passed with us like that until eventually he caved, slapping me with, "Did you drink it?"

"You're an arsehole," I spat back.

An eyebrow cocked upwards, and his arms crossed over his chest. "For caring about your wellbeing?"

I scoffed. "Caring? What happened to, 'I don't care if Olivia dies'?"

"I..." he sighed. "I didn't mean that. Obviously."

"Didn't feel obvious when you repeated yesterday how much everything I touch turns to shit and you wouldn't care if a Made killed me."

He didn't say anything back. And I thought he wasn't going to say anything at all.

Which was why, after moments had passed, I tried moving around him.

Though he stepped with me. "I would care. I do care," he corrected himself.

"Do you?"

"Yes. It's why I went running the moment I felt the buzz that you were in danger."

"The... buzz?"

He sighed, leaning against the wall, and I finally looked at him properly, without the hatred.

His eyes were underlined by deep purple bruises—as if he hadn't slept last night once again. His face was almost pale, cheeks sunken in.

When was the last time he ate? Drank? Taken a blood pill? Showered? Changed his clothes?

He was, perhaps, the worst I had ever seen him.

"Remember back in Czechia, when I told you about how I feel this static sometimes? And it turned to a buzzing when I found you in the alley?"

I nodded, recalling having felt the static on a few occasions now—when I saw him by the pool, when I came to see him here yesterday, even when I exited his room just before.

"Last night I had that same feeling suddenly. And sure enough, after I followed it, I found you almost strangled to death by a Made and—"

"What happened to him?"

"... who?"

"The Made."

"... Why do you care?"

"He... he was somewhat conscious. Still human."

"Human? He almost killed you."

"I... I guess."

Lukas ran a hand through his hair, before turning his head to the side as he muttered, "I dealt with him."

"As in... killed?"

"It needed to be done."

I bit my lip and my stomach squirmed as I remembered what he had said about fearing us. What if this whole standoff—them killing people and us killing them—is just some pointless charade? What if this could all end if we just communicated with each other and worked together?

"I thought you'd thank me for saving you," he eventually grumbled after I didn't respond, the scowl returning to his face.

"I don't feel like my life was worth any more than his," I mumbled back, unable to meet Lukas's eyes that studied me like a hawk.

And when he didn't speak, I once again tried to leave.

Yet he grabbed my wrist, and my heart sang with yearning, pleading for him to pull me closer, to end this feud.

Though he merely repeated his earlier question. "Did you drink it?"

Ever so slowly, I glanced back up at him. I wanted to glare at him like before, to really show how much his 'gesture' had upset me, but I couldn't even feel anger or pain anymore. I just felt numb to his indifference, to his hostility, to his determination to treat me like a stranger or a piece of gum on his shoe. "No."

"Why not?"

"Why should I?"

"So that you don't get pregnant. We didn't use protection... back in Italy."

"Because nothing would make this worse for you than knowing your mistake of spending the night with me could lead to a commitment like a child, right?"

Once again, he said nothing while his face said all.

"Don't worry. I'm on the pill."

I yanked my arm from his grips and tried to leave again, yet he stopped me once more. "The pill isn't always effective for mutants."

"Well, I haven't gotten pregnant thus far. Not from all my forays with humans or all the times I fucked Ben. Oops. I forgot. He's a sore spot for you. Sorry."

This time, when I tugged my arm, he let me go.

Lukas said nothing more.

I didn't dare bring myself to look back at him. I didn't want to know how he took my words—mostly because I was scared if I looked at him, he'd still be wearing that same expression. Uncaring. Unloving. Like I no longer mattered. Like we were long over. And that would destroy me more than the chance that I had actually hurt him.

· · ───── ∘☽༓☾∘ ───── · ·

Ben hadn't said a word to me all day. Not since I woke up. Not since my feud with Lukas on the landing. Not even when we got back to the Siren's house. Had his apparition not been hovering nearby, I would have assumed he'd gone to wherever he goes when he's not here.

It was peculiar of him, considering he always had something to say about how I spent my time and lived my life.

Yet I couldn't bring myself to push him on it. The silence was too peaceful, and I was busy ruminating on these feelings of dislocation that came with Lukas's change of heart regarding us.

It was well past midnight when I finally turned off the lights and tried to will sleep to overcome me. I tossed, I turned, I got up, I paced, I got back into bed and tossed and turned some more. Nothing was working.

Then Ben finally hit me with, "I think it's time I move on."

I sat up and turned on the light. "What do you mean?" I implored. I felt I had been anticipating him to speak this whole evening, yet nothing could have prepared me for him saying this.

"You know what I mean."

"Why now?"

"Because... I've created a rift between you and Lukas."

"The rift has already been created. You leaving won't close it."

Ben shrugged. "Or it might. What if that's what Lukas is waiting for?"

I shook my head. "Lukas isn't waiting for anything. He's done with me."

"He's not."

"He is. Have you not heard the things he's been saying since we got back?"

"I have... And I've also seen what he's been doing. And what's he's been not saying."

I shook my head. "Not saying?"

"I think he won't ever let you two talk and mend this bridge until I'm out of the picture. As long as I can still get in the way, he's going to keep you at arm's length to avoid getting himself more hurt."

"... And what if he keeps that up when you are gone?"

"Then I guess I was wrong."

"And I'll be alone."

"You're already alone, Olivia."

"... Thanks... Why is everyone just being an arsehole to me lately? Is it 'Hate on Olivia Day'? 'Knock Her Down While She's at Her Lowest Month'?"

A small smile tugged at Ben's lips and he shook his head. He shuffled closer on the bed, his ghostly hand resting atop mine.

I wished, at that moment, I could feel it. I so desperately needed affection right now. I needed someone to hold me together when everything felt like it was falling apart.

"I'm not coming back. You're not going to bring me back, because you'd never sacrifice Lukas. And even if you wanted to now—which I know you wouldn't—I wouldn't want you to do that. I love you two too much to allow for that price to be paid. And if I'm not coming back, then there's no point me being here."

"But you said you're waiting for me to move on."

"You have. You've fully committed your heart to Lukas again."

"And he hates me." My eyes started to sting, but I wasn't even sure what I was sad about at that moment. Was it Lukas's hostility? Or Ben's retreat? Or perhaps it was the sleep deprivation finally catching up with me?

"He doesn't hate you. He's just hurt and deflecting his emotions in a really stupid way."

I wanted to believe what Ben was saying, but, "And if it changes nothing? If I really drew the last straw? Who's going to be there for me?"

The corners of his lips turned up, almost as if he were rejoicing in my remorse. Which I didn't blame him for. Most of the time that he's been a ghost I've been hating on him and his existence, and now I was finally letting slip that he still did matter to me. "If Lukas really is done with you—which I highly doubt after how he acted last night—"

I opened my mouth to ask more, yet he held his hand up to stop me.

"—then you still have your mum, Marli, and Erica at least. Then, if you need more people to fill your life, there's Emma, there's Jayce, there's Jade, there's Ivan... heck maybe even Drake would be there for you. Though he's very aloof..."

When he finished his spiel, I gave his words a few moments to warm my heart and quell the despair before finally prying, "How did he act last night?"

"I don't know if it's fair to report on things that happened when you were unconscious."

"Ben! Please... If you really think you can move on, that there's a chance of Lukas and I mending things, then give me something to hope for."

He was silent for a few moments, studying my face as he deliberated what to do. "I really thought he was going to act differently towards you this morning after last night. I thought the emotional roller coaster he went through—the fear of almost losing you—would be enough to wake him up from this tantrum he is throwing or the act of punishing you for lying."

Yet he didn't...

We sat there for a while, and while Ben's hints of a Lukas who actually did care about whether he lost me were acknowledged in my mind, instead I dwelled on the other part of his admission. Almost losing me wasn't enough to get him to forgive me.

Would anything be enough then?

Would any amount time, apology, or grand gesture heal this wound?

Perhaps our love is destined to never be salvaged. Perhaps we were meant to drown.

I didn't know if it was my lack of words or the glistening of my eyes that triggered Ben to speak again, but eventually he whispered, "I've never seen him so beside himself. The moment he arrived, he didn't hesitate to pull that Made off you and snap its neck. I'm not even sure if he knew it was a Made straight away. And then when you were laying there on the ground, your neck purple and chest not moving... he became a wreck. I was worried he wasn't going to pull through... that he wouldn't be able to think clearly long enough to save you. But thankfully he snapped to. He healed your neck. He got you breathing. He got you back to the house and in his room. Then he spent the whole night watching you... like you might just suddenly stop breathing again." Ben shook his head. "He certainly didn't mean he doesn't care if you die. I think he... he just wanted you to stay out of it all... so he wouldn't have to go through what he did."

"That's unfair," I whispered. "You tried to keep me out of—"

Ben grinned. "I know. He's such a fucking hypocrite. I bet he was actually glad and hoping that whole time I was trying to keep you from his uncle that I'd actually win the fight. I mean... before I died, he had almost convinced himself you were safer with me. Like he was cursed or something..." He shook his head. "I don't know what you two were like before I got in the way—if you were this up and down or always at odds—but I do know once I'm gone, you will have a lot of work to do. You seem to be operating at very different wavelengths."

"Perhaps that just means we're not meant to be."

"No... It's always going to be like that to some degree, no matter who you're with. It just takes the two to be dedicated to making it work... to find a wavelength that works in between. I think you two will get there. But you both have to get over your damn stubbornness."

"How am I being—"

"He's hurt and he needs time, Olivia. You need to be patient and stay out of his way until he cools off... And I need to get out of the way as well. You can't keep trying to force him to talk to you about him feeling betrayed when I'm still hovering around watching. I will move on, you let him know that I have and give him some time to cool off, then, once some time has passed, sit down and make it work. You both love each other like crazy. I mean, hell, you have a bond invitation again. That should be impossible. Clearly you're meant to be together. You've got a long time to figure out how, too. But just stop trying to rush everything."

My lips pouted, yet I knew he was right. Perhaps, once Ben was really gone, everything would eventually work out between us. "I'll miss you though."

"I'm so glad to hear that, Olivia," he said softly, the corners of his lips turning up. "So glad."

"I wish we had met differently."

"Me too. I have so many regrets... even if the path I chose gave me much more happiness than I would have had if I had gone another way. I'm glad I had that moment of happiness with you."

My eyes started to water, and even though I knew it was pointless, I threw my arms around him. There was nothing to hold. Nothing to give me warmth. Just his words humming in my ear, filling me with some semblance of him.

"Well, then," he said after I finally pulled away. "I guess this is—"

"You're not leaving now."

"I thought we just agreed—"

"You can't go right now."

"Olivia."

"Let me... let me tell everyone that you're still here first."

"Why are you prolonging this?"

"Because it's not fair that only I get to say goodbye. Everyone should get a chance."

"Only you can see me though."

"Sure. But there's got to be an alternative, right? Marli said that there's some truth to the people who claim to be mediums, spirit guides, shamans, and what not. Surely someone among us can summon you for a short period."

Ben heaved a sigh. "Would it give you the final closure you need?"

I nodded.

"Very well. Then I think Oran is the person you better talk to."