November, 2018

"I can't believe my childhood friend was the person who took out Rüdiger Fuller... after centuries of his torment and destruction, the girl I pretended to be fairies with became the very fairy who took him out." She was shaking her head, an impressed expression stealing her face as we sat on the rock, feet in the river, staring at the waterfall. The sun was now on the opposite side of the sky as the late afternoon began to arrive.

"We should head back," was all I said in response, hating that I felt relieved for having unleashed everything to someone for the first time. "It will be dark by the time we reach the car at this rate."

But Marli simply waved a hand at me before placing her hands behind her and leaning back against the rock. "And to think you, a Terra Fairy, was bonded to two vampires. Let alone one of them was the damn nephew of Rüdiger!"

"Yeah, yeah. I get the irony of it all." But my head began to droop, eyes fixating on the straying fleck of skin on my cuticle.

"You really don't remember your past with Lukas?"

Shaking my head, I glanced her way. "Can you bring the memories back?"

"I'm afraid I only speak to the dead, Ol."

At her comment, a thought sprung to my mind, my eyes lighting up as I leaned in. "Does that mean you can speak to Ben? Find out if he really is lingering and if—"

But she was already shaking her head, shifting back from me as sorrow stole her stare. "It's really best to leave the dead dead, Ollie."

"I just... I need to talk to him once more. I need to know if he really is here watching me and if he hates me or—"

"I'm sure he doesn't hate you. But I bet he's disappointed that you're not living anymore because he's gone."

I breathed an unamused laugh before looking at my lap again. "You don't know Ben... He was so desperate to have me to himself that we never went out anymore... and he was insanely jealous of my relationship with Lukas."

"Well... I would be, too, if I were him."

Brows knotting, I gave her a wary glance.

"The way you described finding out... it was almost as if Ben knew about you two before you did. What if Lukas told Ben about the relationship you two had? What if it was eating at him? By the sounds of it, Ben adored his best friend to the point he'd search a library for books that would help him take out his uncle. And imagine living with that knowledge that the first person you fell for was the person your best friend was already in love with... But you just didn't know it. The guilt must have eaten him alive to the point he would do anything to not lose you."

Lips pressing together, I glanced up at the waterfall that crashed against the river below, creating its ripples that slowly made its way to us. At once, the blue glow of the pool in our little cave sprung back to my mind, as did the scars on his chest and his warm almond eyes that had caressed me.

When will this bond break so that I stop missing him and start missing the right person? I beat myself up.

"I wish I had been better to Ben when he was still around," I whispered, feeling the guilt starting to gnaw at my heart now.

"No, Ollie... don't regret the past."

"His final days were full of anguish because of me and Lukas... Because of some stupid bond—"

"You don't know if it was stupid."

"He wiped my memories because he saw me as weak, Marli! Obviously it's stupid."

"That's not the story you told me. He didn't agree that—"

"His expression said it though," I shot back.

She raised her hands in the air before replying with, "All I'm saying is... you don't remember what happened really happened. And he never outright told you why he wiped your memories before you took off. So you can't hold it all on him."

Back to the fraying cuticle, I started to pick at my skin until I bled, a small welcomed relief filling me to know the blemish was removed, but irked at the pooling red now on my finger. "He had so many opportunities to tell me—"

"Why would he throw your past relationship at you when you were mourning the loss of someone?"

"I don't know, Marli, but he should have just told me the truth then and there."

"Perhaps he was... protecting you from the past. Maybe it's really complicated."

Shaking my head, I said, "Or he's trying to hide his mistakes."

"I just think that, if it really were as bad as you thought it was, your heart would remember the betrayal. Yet you bonded with him the moment Ben was gone. There's got to be a reason in your past for it."

"If there is, I don't want to know. Whatever happened resulted in Ben's death so—"

"Oh for fuck's sake... Are you really going to continuously hang on to the past like your and Lukas's actions are the reason Ben is gone? Do you not think that maybe Ben actually wanted to help you both and get rid of the most evil vampire that has ever lived? That maybe it wasn't just him complying to your persuasion but his own desire to restore peace and justice in the world? And that the loss of him was just some big accident?"

"He begged me not to go so many times, and I just—"

But she was shaking her head already. "You're not going to forgive yourself until you know for sure, aren't you?"

"I can't ever know for sure."

"Yes, you can. You can just ask Ben himself."

I rolled my eyes as I started to say, "Ask him? How? Are you going to pop out a ouija board and—" But I stopped as the realisation sunk in. Gaze widening, my head whipped around to face her. "Is he here? Are you going to talk to him for me?"

But she quickly shook her head no. "I can't talk to the dead in the way psychics do. What I can do... well... I haven't done it before. And there's no guarantee that it is him. But my instinct is telling me this spirit haunting you since you returned has to be the person who bonded to you. I think they can cling on to the bond if it's an unexpected death... And your dad never really hovered around you before, so I don't see why now."

Yet I started to feel my stomach churning as she spoke, deeper worries now welling in my mind. "Two people died that day though... is it possible he—"

"Rüdiger has no way to cling onto you," she said back, but I could see the hesitancy in her gaze as I knew we both began to think the same thought. We don't know what tricks he had up his sleeve.

"What are you going to do to me?" I queried, now not sure if I should go ahead with it... just in case it was him.

"There's a way to... bring the dead back as a ghost, sort of. Only you can see them though. But that way you can talk through all your concerns and worries until you figure out a way for both of you to move on. Then I can harness his spirit and transfer him to someone."

My brows knotted together as her words mulled in my mind.

"We don't have to," she said after a few moments of silence filled the space, only the kookaburra in the nearby tree calling to the approaching dusk consuming the sounds.

"So he will just... be there? Until he moves on?" I questioned, not willing to agree to or refuse her offer just yet.

She nodded. "In theory... if I do it right. Only certain Anjea can, but my aunties say it's in our line, so..."

"And what do I do if it's not him?"

Teeth worrying into her bottom lip, she was quiet as I formed my own answers to the question. But all she eventually said back was, "It's up to you."

Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes as I let the stirring thoughts take me. But every time I tried to go through my pros and cons list, his blue eyes stared back at me, desperate to look at me once more. And the vacant memory of his voice as Marli had gripped my arm before stirred the hope that he was near... That I could see him again. Because surely that's what I had heard then... If she channelled nearby spirits, perhaps the whirlpool I fell into within her eyes was Ben trying to reach me. If he was lingering, perhaps he wanted to have one final conversation with me.

And if I saw him once more... I could beg him to forgive me.

Then, and only then, would I potentially be able to live with the choices I made.

"Let's do it," I firmly said as I opened my eyes.

"You're sure?"

"Yes. I need to speak to him once more. I need to find out why he hasn't moved on... And how I can help him."

"Okay, but... I must warn you... I can't undo it. Once you see him, you can only unsee him once whatever he's sticking around for has been fulfilled."

"And I will help him achieve that by whatever means necessary. Even if it takes my whole life," I vowed as I stared into her wary woodsie gaze.

Heaving a hesitant sigh, she nodded back. Then her hands reached out, gripping onto my shoulders as her eyes sought out mine.

At once, I was transported back into the autumnal spiral, the world whirling around me faster than I could keep up, endless voices whispering in my ears as I couldn't even remember which way was up and down.

But then I heard his musical tone breathe ever so softly, "Olivia..."

The world snapped back in place as Marli let me go.

At once, my head twisted this way and that as I desperately searched for the blue gaze I used to look at every day.

But it was just us.

As my face began to fall and the moments ticked on with no curly haired boy in sight, Marli deflatedly said, "It didn't work did it?"

Shaking my head, I mumbled. "It seems not."

"Sorry, Ol... I thought I knew how to do it. Maybe I need more practice? Or... maybe it's just not in me."

"I'm sure it is," I quickly said back, slightly desperate for my selfish wishes, but also not wanting her to doubt herself.

A small smile brightened her face. "Maybe... maybe we can try again another day?" she then said. "I'll review the books, talk with some elders about how to do it again... Then..."

"Sounds good," I said, but a very small part of me was feeling the relief sink in that it hadn't worked..

Because, if I did see him again, what would I possibly say?

What would he look like, all these months on?

And... what if he hated me?