June, 2019

The train was filled with joyful chatter as we resurfaced above ground in France, but the silence between Olivia and me was more than unsettling. My jaw was clenched tight and arms crossed over my chest as I looked anywhere and everywhere but her.

Olivia mimicked my posture for a while, also fuming over our spat in the bathroom. But it didn't take long to see her starting to relax in my peripherals; her glances towards me became more frequent and her face consuming with worry as her teeth gnawed at her bottom lip and hands picked at stray cuticles.

I was determined to stay mad at her. Especially as her rejection played over and over again in my head.

"I think my way is faster," she had responded after I explained every step of my catch-a-Made plan.

"Your way will get us killed," I had countered.

"Firstly, I disagree. Rüdiger is gone, so it's just your parents and Stephen I'm dealing with."

"And my parents aren't to be—"

But she wasn't letting me get a word in. "Secondly, your method is just as dangerous. Tackling a Made is no easy job considering they don't understand what's going on themselves and are monsters controlled by their disease. Meanwhile, going through Windeck and the lab involves dealing with coherent—though, I'll give it to you, maybe also conniving—mutants who are able to uphold a conversation and reason with. No Mades need to be wrangled in my plan."

"These people are the very ones that invented the Mades though, Olivia. Who knows what else they also have stashed there." Stephen's warning rang loudly in my mind as I tried to convince her to see reason.

"As I said, just as dangerous. So weighing up which is more likely to cause death is moot. Windeck is at least faster because the solution is surely already there, versus catching a Made, getting it somewhere alive so we can draw blood, conducting studies, etcetera."

"Do you really think my parents will let you step one foot in that lab?"

"Maybe not. But at least Stephen can help."

"Or maybe we will be murdered upon sight for killing their leader, making all of it for nothing—"

"Then stay behind, Lukas. Get the next train back to London as we get off in Belgium and go back. No one said you had to come with me."

"And what? Tell everyone I let you walk into a death trap?"

"No one will blame you. It was my decision, and I told Faye and Serena I was going simply to get my memories back, so—"

"Someone will blame me. They will know I came after you, they will assume I learned of your real plan, and regardless, someone will put the blame on me."

"They won't."

"They will. People are always quick to find someone to blame. I mean, you blamed me for Ben's death last time, remember?"

I wished I hadn't hit her with that one. The silence that had filled our bathroom cubicle was even more loud than the one between us now. Worse was watching the glisten begin to form in her eyes, her mouth open and close as she fumbled for her words, and then the beginnings of, "I should have never said that, Lukas. I'm so sorry I—"

"Save it," I had said back. "Just come back to London and go with my safer option."

"I will," she had whispered, though I could already hear the 'but' lingering in her tone. "I will go along with any part of your plan... right after I try mine first."

Now here we were.

After storming out of the room, defeated, knowing there was no way I could convince her, we were at an impasse of agreement. Seated back in our seats, refusing to speak to each other, the train had almost reached its destination: Brussels, Belgium.

Her suggestion to get the next train back to London was now the thought resounding in my head. Along with it, a plethora of other plans, from forcing her onto the train with me, even if it meant compelling her or physically restraining her... But how could I ever live with myself for doing that?

At least she may live, the voice in my head who suggested the idea offered.

Yeah, but she also won't go along with my plan afterwards, I countered.

Unless you compel her to do that as well.

And become my uncle? A manipulative sociopath who forces everyone to agree with him by whatever means necessary? I don't think so. I won't go down that path.

The carriages started to come to a slow as the city began to fill our surroundings. Large ivory buildings adorned the horizon, and dark grey clouds hung overhead, threatening rain and filling me with relief—I hadn't even checked the weather before taking off after Olivia.

And as we finally pulled to a halt, knowing there was no chance to convince Olivia to come back to London with me, I finally broke the silence between us.

"These changeovers are very short, so we better hurry," I instructed as I got out of my seat, glancing above for her luggage. I didn't take long to spot her bag. It was the same one I had helped her pack when she moved in with me... and later when she moved back out. A life that felt foreign to us now.

Shaking the nostalgia from my mind, I tugged it out of its spot and held it out for her.

"We?" she asked as she accepted her backpack, filing out into the aisle in the gap I had left for her.

"As if I'll let you go alone. You'd be sure to die without me between you and my parents... and all of the others there who probably hate you."

She heaved a sigh and continued to walk down towards the door as she replied, "What do you even care if I die? Don't you hate me now?"

My mouth was open, ready to respond, but I hadn't expected the question she had asked. Immediately, I snapped my jaw shut as we stumbled out of the carriage.

And I didn't respond as we made our way down the stairs to the transfer area.

I mulled through my thoughts as we stood in the line for Olivia to collect her next ticket to Frankfurt via the Deutsche Bahn, almost—almost—oblivious to her dejected state because I hadn't answered.

I spoke to her once briefly when I asked her to wait for me after she left the check-in lady with her ticket in hand. Then, again, compelled my way through getting a way onto this next train last-minute.

It was only once we found our way to the next platform, the train coming into sight as it slowed towards the station, that I finally replied, ever so quietly, "I could never hate you, Olivia. Even if I tried."

I could see her head snap in my direction, her mouth falling open in shock. Her heart once again stammered—though not quite like it did in the bathroom on the last train. But I couldn't bring myself to look at her, not wanting to see the expression hidden in her eyes. Not wanting to know how happy it made her that she hadn't completely severed our relationship when she broke me to pieces last October.

So I did all I could do in that moment.

As the doors swooshed open, I stepped forward, away from her, away from her questioning posture, and boarded the train, using the next part of our journey as a distraction to avoid the inevitable conversation.

Though, of course, it didn't last long.

· · ───── ∘☽༓☾∘ ───── · ·

Half an hour she gave me.

Enough time to find her seat, to persuade the next person to swap spots with me, and to get out of Belgium.

Enough time to collect my composure and regain my indifferent demeanour towards her.

Enough time to get used to the rapidly altering tempo of her heart as she tried countless times to speak to me, but seemed to change her mind, waiting once more until her body settled into a calmer rhythm as she seemed to rethink what she wanted to say.

Then, finally, it came. "If I could go back, I'd take back every word I said to you that day, Lukas. Words can't express how ashamed I am that I treated you like that."

I kept my gaze ahead, unable to meet her eyes. While I had some clue what she was alluding to, I couldn't help but mutter, "What day?" Needing to be sure.

"The day I left." She turned in her seat to face me, emerald burning into me. Though still I couldn't bring myself to look at her.

"It's fi—" I started to say.

But she cut me off with, "It's not fine. You were not my punching bag, even if you accepted being it. You had done nothing but been the best friend I could have and loved me despite the fact I went and bonded to someone else, and I just—"

"Stop," I said softly, eyes closing. I had longed to hear these words from her. Longed to hear that she didn't actually blame me and everything she said was just a side-effect of the pain—that I was, indeed, her punching bag. But now it all felt too late. "It's in the past, Olivia. Let's not bring it—"

"If it really were in the past, you wouldn't have acted how you did when I returned."

Memories of the pool and my delirious tired state the next day washed through my head, an eyebrow cocking in response as I pondered if that was what she meant. But before I could ask...

"The Lukas I know is friendly to anyone unless they wronged him. And since I've returned, it's like I may as well be your uncle." It was then that I knew she was referring to everything after I had become coherent again.

This time I glanced her way as I said, "I wouldn't go that f—"

"Or like I'm Ben," she cut me off, glistening green gaze piercing into me.

I regretted looking at her. Because now I saw all the sorrow, the earnestness, all the agony I must have been putting her through since Jade's party.

She deserved it, the voice in the back of my head tried helplessly to convince my heart. Remember all the pain she caused you?

But it's been months, I thought back. And it's Olivia.

And Olivia is the only one who has been able to break you so much so frequently.

It's not like Anja had a chance when she died. And Erica and I just... our bond broke.

And yet so has your bond with Olivia. Yet you still find her the most mesmerising person to look at.

That's got nothing to do with—

My internal argument was cut short though. "Which I understand. Because Ben stole your girl—even if I had no clue. And I inadvertently caused another relationship of yours to end, which I'm so sorry for. If I had known—"

"Would you not have returned if you knew about Emma?" I interrupted without thinking. Without even considering where this conversation could go or how vulnerable I was making myself through taking it there.

"I... I would have kept my distance."

"Why?"

"So that I didn't get in the way. So that—"

"But what would it matter to you if I was in a relationship? How were you to know that you'd be a trigger for Emma?"

"I..." Her eyes widened a little, all rebuttals seeming to be lost as she mulled over my words.

Are you trying to absolve her of the guilt? the voice that wanted me to hate her asked. Or are you somehow trying to see if she'd get jealous? Because there's no way the latter is happening when there's nothing left between you two.

"I couldn't have known." Her face seemed to relax a little, her heart rate calming down.

"Exactly." But I still didn't feel better. Especially taking in her hunched shoulders and drooped head. I was at odds, wanting to make her feel pain again—like I had since she returned—while also wanting to smooth the worry lines out of her delicate forehead. Though before I could fashion up a response, she was speaking again.

"But even if I couldn't have known, I still feel bad. I wish I hadn't caused you that heartache."

Shrugging, I said, "You didn't know." It seemed the part of me that needed to see her forgive herself was finally winning, the other side of me from the past few weeks now squashed into the recesses of my conscience. Maybe that me would return again. Maybe something Olivia says in the future will drag him back. Or maybe I just needed her level-headed as we made our way to Windeck. Though I couldn't be bothered figuring that out just yet, instead I focussed on my new mission. Reassuring her. "Just as Ben didn't know what bonding with you would—"

"I wouldn't exactly say that," she mumbled quietly, turning her head out the window for a moment.

But that stopped all of my next words in their tracks. Instead, I responded with, "What do you mean?"

Her head flipped back towards me, eyes wide as she seemed shocked with herself for even saying it. "I... I..."

"Ben didn't know that you and I had a past," I tried to repeat, studying her reaction as the words sunk into her again.

She kept herself steadier this time, not uttering anything back, but a touch of pity lingered in her eyes. A note, an essence, of something she wasn't telling me etched itself into her gaze.

"Right?" I pressed.

"Right," she repeated, though there was a lack of conviction to her tone.

My eyes narrowed further as I began to wonder how to push her further, to coax out the unsaid.

But before I could, she blurted, "We're getting off-topic here. What I wanted to say, to tell you, is that I'm sorry for all the hurt I've caused you, knowingly and unknowingly. And I'd take it all back if I could, even if I didn't know what I was doing for a lot of it because I've been gone or because I don't remember... what have you. But if you could find it within yourself to forgive me—"

As the word rolled off her tongue, I couldn't help but wince at the idea. Forgiveness. Forgiving her. Forgiving this woman again for tearing me apart countless times... While I wanted to see Olivia forgive herself, I wasn't sure I was ready for it... or capable of it.

I should have been. If it were Erica, I would have easily forgiven her. In fact, I did. I was unable to blame Ri for rushing our bond invitation, which led to our demise. Because the bond broke after, and, within twenty-four hours, I felt nothing for her. And I had already forgiven Emma for giving up on us, even if I still find her doing so because of Olivia a ridiculous reason. In both instances though, my body responded exactly as it should to a severed connection, making all bitter ends easy to forgive and forget.

Yet with Olivia...

With her plead for forgiveness finally hitting me...

With her acknowledgement of the pain she had caused me...

I couldn't help but feel my eyes sting as waves of hurt rolled back in, along with it the many memories of anguish from the past few years that still felt just as painful today. Memories of seeing her walk to our house with her hand in Ben's. Memories of watching her cement her bond with him. Memories of the old Olivia coming back, hating herself for bonding with Ben. Memories of the new Olivia confessing her love for me in the forest the last time we were in Windeck, yet instantly forgetting that after my mum bewitched her. Memories of the hate in Olivia's eyes as she blamed me for Ben's death and boarded a plane, completely cutting me off. Memories of the bond breaking...

If I do forgive her, if I bridge that final step of unfinished business between us, will I not just be opening myself up again to be hurt by her?

So I admitted, "I'm not ready to do that yet. I accept your apology, but..."

"That's okay," she mumbled before I could find my next words. "I get it."

"Though... I'm willing to try," I said before I could think it through, not liking the cloud that had covered her face. "It just will take time."

The corners of her lips turned up, though only slightly. Yet she nodded. "I'll do my best to earn your trust back again, Lukas. I miss having you as a friend."

My mouth opened and closed, then I turned to look out the window, deciding the best response for now—while I didn't know what to say back to that—was no response.

Earn my trust, I repeated her words in my head. If she really wanted that, then why didn't she just go with my plan?

Because... as she said... it's equally as risky. And her plan is faster, the voice in the back of my head.

Whose side are you on? I snapped back. But then, because I couldn't hold the grudge much longer—not when her shoulder was a few breaths from mine and her watermelon and hibiscus scent kept wafting its way around my judgement—I finally said to her, "We never stopped being friends. We're just friends who are in a fight right now."

Then I made the mistake of glancing at her after that.

Hope consumed her face. Her eyes were lit up with endless delight. And she stared at me in a way she used to always—like I was her light in the darkness, like I made her happy beyond belief, like was her favourite person.

And my heart let out another painful throb to know how quickly that look could change.

Keep your distance this time, Lukas. Don't let her too close again. That way she will never break you.

Desperate to kill the moment of bonding, I interrupted with a gruff, "I know we are going along with your plan, but can you at least follow my lead when we are in Windeck? Trust that I know the right calls to make there? And keep your mouth shut about why we are really there unless I tell you that you can speak about it?"

She heaved a sigh—whether because she didn't like the shift in my tone or the topic or my request, I wasn't sure—but surprised me with a nod of agreement. "Of course, Lukas. Of course. As I said, I'll do anything to earn your trust again."

"Except going back to London," I mumbled.

"Hey, I'll still go back with you... just after—"

"We try your plan first. Yeah, yeah."

She shrugged and looked forward again. "It's the better plan."

"Better?"

"Faster. Besides... I do have ulterior motives for going there."

"You... do?" I cocked an eyebrow.

"Of course. I may have told Serena and Faye the only reason I was going back was to get my memories, but it also wasn't a lie. I can, as the saying goes, kill two birds with one stone."

"Why would you even want those memories? It's not like she took a large chunk of your time. Just your memory of the spell she casted on you."

Olivia shrugged, thinking her next words over a moment before speaking them. "They're still my memories. My feelings. I want to remember them."

Unable to help myself, I then asked, "Does that mean you want me to give the ones I took back?"

Her mouth opened straight away, but she seemed to rethink what she was going to say. I was starting to think she'd never respond. Until she said, "Not just yet. I mean, at first I knew I couldn't ask you for them because you wouldn't even talk to me. But now... something tells me that I might need to be in more of a calm place before ask. And on this train, or even in Windeck, just doesn't seem appropriate." She glanced at me before she asked her next question. "When the time comes though, will you give them back?"

I pressed my lips together and shrugged, breaking the eye-contact she had created. "I can't guarantee you'll like them, but if it's what you want." I tried to sound nonchalant, but the idea of Olivia actually remembering us, remembering it was her decision to wipe her memories, remembering any moment of that night in the alley had my body heat up a few degrees. But it wasn't my job to protect her from that anymore. Not after what she did. And she's been through worse now, surely. Sooner or later, I'd have to rip off the bandaid.

But the last thing I expected to follow my comment was the electrical zap as her soft fingers placed themselves on my forearm.

Flinching from her touch, I looked at her hand gently resting atop my arm like it belonged to a stranger. Because why did it seem like... I glanced up to her eyes, brows turned down, gaze soft, a small encouraging smile etched into place... Why does it seem like she's trying to comfort me?

"Know that," she started, "If any part of you is worried about how I'm going to react to some of the things you've done or be upset that you took my memories, then don't. Because regardless of what happened between us back then, I've forgiven you, Lukas. I'm sorry I took this long to realise that, but I'm not mad at whatever led you to the point to take my memories. Because I'm sure you did it because you care about me."

She still thinks it was my decision. How is she going to feel knowing I fought against it? That, if I hadn't gone along with her, if she had gone back to Australia like I had planned, that Ben might still be around?

Even though she told me not to worry, I still couldn't help but stew in the thoughts for a few moments. But then, once I realised I was actually fretting over whether she'd regret her choices, I started to backpedal.

It was her decision. One she needs to remember. One she needs to learn to live with. Regardless of the other memories that come with it and the guilt of her actions. I can't keep burying these for her.

So I admitted to her, "I don't need you to forgive me, Olivia. I just hope you can forgive yourself."

She started to ask me what I meant, but I excused myself to the bathroom, desperate to get a break from her, from the wall of the past catching up with me. And after I killed my time staring at my reflection and trying to get my emotions in check, I decided instead to walk the other way down the train, only returning to my seat next to her just before we pulled into Frankfurt.

Will give it a proofread later. 

How do we think their trip to Windeck will go? Let me know in the comments!