November, 2018

She had coaxed me out.

Under the pretence of it just being the two of us and no one else, we were heading out to Alligator Creek for a swim and an all-day hike to the waterfall. Marli was trying anything and everything to get me moving and 'back to normal'. From sleepovers, to movies, to bowling, to parties, to getting my university course back on track so that I could graduate in March... nothing was off limits for her to see me smile again.

And some days, I felt like her efforts were working. There were moments in my life now when I felt I could stay really present. Like the other day, I watched a whole movie with mum and was able to recall all the plot points... a first for me in a long while.

But then there were days like today when Marli had to quite literally drag me out of my bed and to her car to get me to go anywhere.

Continuously chanting her mantra that, 'Fresh air will do me good', we had finally reached the National Park.

"Can't I just wait here?" I pleaded.

She barely gave me a glare—these days, my complaints and reluctance were just white noise to her. "Grab your towel and let's go. I didn't get up this early for no reason. If we want to avoid the tourists, now is the best time for our swim," she told me for at least the third time today.

Without giving me time to form a rebuttal, she threw her door open and clambered out.

A small part of me considered just sitting in the car with my arms crossed over my chest as I stamped my foot. But she'd come to my side eventually to yank me out... I needed some sense of control in my life.

Gently pushing open the door, I stepped out of the cool box into the muggy air. At once, my ears filled with the symphony of birds calling to the day, singing their sweet songs. Instinctively, my eyes began to close as the sun prickled against my neck. I didn't care for sunburns... The closer I was to death, the sooner I'd be paying for what I did to Ben.

Though with the gentle whisper of the fresh breeze on my face and the warmth of nature around, I slowly began to realise what Marli meant about land being able to heal people.

Once I pried my eyes back open to see where she was, her gaze already had a knowing look, the corners of her mouth twisted up. She thankfully held in the 'I told you so' comment.

"Come on! I'm sure the water is warm," she said, moving on ahead of me towards the boardwalk that led down to the creek.

I trailed a couple of steps behind her, head twisting this way and that as my eyes hungrily took in the foliage creating a canopy over our pathway. The planks of wood beneath my feet let out tiny groans. The leaves nearby rustled as various creatures played in their midst. I was sure if I closed my eyes and ran my magic into the earth, perhaps I'd even be able to tell which animal—

I quickly shook the thought as soon as it came, reminding myself of the vow I made.

No more magic.

No more fairy.

Only human Ollie from hereon...

We had finally reached the creek alcove. The water whooshed as the stream flowed its merry way downhill, and the warm red rocks by the waterside were dusted with light blankets of sand here and there.

But the good moments came to an end as Marli disturbed my affair with serenity. "Alright!" she cheered. "Down to your togs! Let's go for a dip."

With a roll of my eyes, I took my time peeling off my shirt and shorts as Marli ran out ahead of me. Nonetheless, I eventually complied with her wishes, stumbly stepping across the scolding rock, quick to soothe my feet in the water.

The glide into the creek was slippery and slimy. But as my waist became submerged, I was finally able to start paddling away from the moss-covered creek bed. I barely noticed the fish weaving in and out around me—like a dance we were performing. Back careening against the water, I spread my body out as I stared up at the cloudless blue sky above.

If Heaven is real, is Ben up there? I began to ponder. Though my thoughts immediately followed up with, Or are vampires considered creatures of Hell?

"Where'd you go?" her voice said, drifting up beside me. Also floating on her back, Marli joined my quest to make sense of the sky.

"Just thinking if he's up there... If Heaven is really real," I barely made out in a mumble.

Though it seemed she was able to hear me despite my lack of effort to enunciate. "I thought you weren't religious?"

"I'm not. But now I wish I was. Because I hate thinking he just... ceased existence the moment he drew his last breath."

At once I felt overwhelmed with a numb agony. No longer denying the events of the past, but... no longer feeling alive. No longer feeling worthy of being alive. It was more feeling that I had allowed myself for a while, but nothing close to the depths of hell I had brought myself into before. The last time I had truly cried was when I had told mum and Marli about Ben... a couple of weeks after I came back to Australia.

· · ───── ∘☽༓☾∘ ───── · ·

October, 2018

"No way!" her shrill voice bellowed through the air as my bedroom door swung open.

I numbly turned my head up from my new phone I had been setting up—free from traces of before.

"No bloody way!" She bounded across the room, locks of brown flying before her body collided with mine, sending me backwards on the bed. "Your mum said you were back, and I thought, 'for sure not, you would have messaged me', but then I thought, 'why would your mum ever lie about that', and ahhh. I came straight here."

Her head had burrowed into my neck as I tapped a hesitant hand on her back, still not saying anything... hoping she wouldn't notice my silence.

Though I don't know why I even hoped anymore. Hope was for dreamers yet to be tainted by nightmares.

"I missed you so much, Ollie," she whispered a little more softly now.

Missed me? We weren't even close until I had left and texted her about the books... If I had never become a fairy, Marli would have forgotten me. I would have become just another high school friend she reminisced about in the slower days of life that didn't have enough stories to recount.

In that moment, I longed for that. I craved a life where I had never become a fairy. Never met anyone or became important to anyone. Because being close to me was dangerous.

But she pulled away from the hug too soon... before I managed to erect my mask.

"Hey," she gently said, her woodsie gaze searching my face for the cracks she was already trying to fix in me. Little did she know, her efforts were futile. "What's wrong?"

I spread my lips open, baring my teeth in the worst possible attempt of a fake smile as I forced out, "Nothing. I'm fine."

"What a load of it, Ollie. If you're fine then I'm a white Colonial bushman."

For a brief moment, she got the slightest brow crease from me as I tried to process her analogy. Because Marli from her Tjapukai ancestry was most certainly not a Colonial bushman... "Nothing is wrong," I tried to insist again with as much enthusiasm as I could muster—which was barely any.

But Marli simply moved further away from me on the bed, eyes narrowing as her arms crossed over her chest. "Why'd you come home, Ol?"

"Because I missed my mum," I desperately tried to make sound believable.

"Mhmm. And your friends? And that cute boyfriend of yours?"

My heart winced at the mention of him, head turning to my lap as sharp pains shot through my chest.

The sheets rustled as Marli shifted closer. "Oh no, Ollie," she soothed, "Did you two break up?"

"Not... not exactly," I stumbled, wishing my brain would clear this fog so that I could quickly think of a cover story.

"Then what happened, Ol?"

I went quiet, unable to think of anything to give her back to avoid the truth. All I was able to see in that moment was the red.

Hands covered in red.

Pools of blood spreading away from his body.

My fault...

All my fault...

"Ollie?"

I lept to my feet. "Can you just leave?" I beseeched. "I don't want to talk to anyone."

"Ollie," she said back, hands raised in the air like I was pointing a weapon at her. "I just want to help."

"Well, I don't need help, okay? Nothing you say or do can bring him back."

Her brows knotted together, hands slowly coming down. "Bring him back? So you did break up?"

Of course, the last thing from her mind was the truth.

"Please, Ollie... the best way through losing someone is to talk—"

"Yeah? Do you have experience in someone dying because of you?"

"Die..." I slowly watched the realisation bloom on her face before she joined me on her feet. "What do you mean 'die'?"

"As in dead. Ben is dead, and it's all my fault." My knees began to wobble. The tears bypassed the stinging sensation, already pooling in my eyes, ready to poor out. And Marli was quick to wrap her arms around me, dragging me into her before I crumbled.

"I'm sure it's not your fault," she tried to soothe me as hideous, heart-wrenching sobs tore out of me.

"It is. He got in the way of the knife," I managed to choke out between hiccups.

"A knife? Did you get into some form of robbery? I'm sure you reported it to the police—"

But my body froze, the tears pausing with it. And Marli evidently felt my stiffness, her own hold of me going just as still.

"Ollie?"

Hands gripping my biceps, she pushed me away from her, gaze searching my face. But I merely turned my head away, avoiding her truth-seeking eyes as I tried to think of the cover story. I couldn't tell her the truth. But I also sucked at lying.

"Why aren't you saying anything?"

"I... it..." I took a deep breath and looked her in the eyes, a feeling of flatness coming over me as I delivered the necessary lie hidden in a partial truth. "Yes, we got into an encounter. Someone tried... to hurt me, and he was stabbed when he jumped in the way."

"But that's not your fault, Ollie... You know that right?"

Though I was already shaking my head as the words exited her mouth, not wanting to hear it. Because she didn't understand.

She'd never understand.

What I had done to Ben, to everyone there... It was unforgivable.

"What did your mum say?" she asked after a while of just holding me.

Pausing for a moment, I knew there was no point avoiding the topic. So I admitted, "I haven't told her."

"You haven't—" she barked in disbelief.

Then, at once, her arms released me.

Head craning towards the door, Marli bellowed a loud, desperate, "Nora!"

"What are you doing?" I hissed.

"You need to share. You need to tell your truth."

"I don't want to. I want to forget it happened and—"

"You need to talk about it, even if it feels like it's breaking you, Ollie. You can't fill that hole until you acknowledge the pain that caused the cracks."

"But I'm tired of feeling," I breathed, eyes already clouding over with another wave of tears.

"I know... I know... But, of all the people who should know you're mourning the loss of someone, Ollie, it should be your mother. She knows better than anyone what it's like to lose a partner."

"What do you mean by that, Marli?" my mother's hesitant voice said in the doorway, eyes flickering between my friend and me, wrapped in an embrace.

· · ───── ∘☽༓☾∘ ───── · ·

November, 2018

Marlie hadn't said anything about my proclamation for wishing I was religious. She just fell into a state of silence—though I didn't think anything of it. We often did this. Sometimes I wondered if she knew I needed my moments to think, or if she was holding back the things she wanted to say in fear of hurting me. I didn't try to find out.

Eventually though, after my upturned torso started to feel thoroughly dry and I could feel the sunburn threatening to come on, I submerged my body back into the water.

"I need to reapply sunscreen," I mumbled before twirling away from her and beginning to make my way back to the water's edge.

Though I didn't get far.

A couple of strokes in, in a terrified tone, Marli bellowed, "Ollie, stop."

So I did. Pausing in the water, hands and legs frantically paddling to keep me afloat, I craned my head back at her. "What?"

"What..." Her eyes were fixated on my back, not my face as she spoke. "What on earth is that tattoo?"