So just the other day, I was chatting with OmaimaAkbar about things I could rant about. Yes, there are thousands of them, but I like to have an inkling of an idea in advance, at least on the day I'm meant to post the rant. So we started listed things that people do that are annoying, such as:

1. When you hold the door open for someone and they don't thank you.

2. When the store clerk asks you three times in a row if you need help picking out a garment.

3. When you run over your ex with a car and they survive.

...and so on and so forth. The list became very lengthy, so I had the bright idea (no sarcasm) to divide annoying/rude things people do in parts. Since lists are a thing, and you all love me, each point will be accompanied by my witty remarks. All these chapters will be titled "Uhm, Can You Not?" along with the topic for the day. Are you ready kids? Aye aye, Dora! I can't hear you! Aye aye, Dora!

The topic of the day is *drumroll* Table Manners! (You looked at the chapter title for this one, didn't you. Sneaky mofo)

Let's start it off with a tasty, flavoursome meme:

There are a lot of differences between going to a restaurant and going to your local McDonalds. These comparisons fit in a list of their own, so I'll get straight to the point: these places are two entirely different social settings. A person's behaviour should adhere to this. So when I go to a damn restaurant (after actually spending time doing my makeup, dressing up, choosing the place, etc.) I don't go there to hear about the wonderful misadventures of Stefany and her babydaddy, or anyone else, for that matter. I'm not spending 50+ euros to witness ratchet behaviour—if I wanted entertainment I would've gone to Burger King.

Moreover, once one person starts shouting, the volume of everybody else's voice has to rise to make up for it, resulting in the restaurant sounding like a stadium during a soccer match. This means that not only am I forced to listen to everybody's business, but I also can't have a proper conversation with the person sitting across from me. Now, I'm not saying that the volume inside of a restaurant has to be akin to the one of the cafeteria from Orwell's 1984, but seriously, people, use your inside voices.

Loud people aren't the only ones that need an advanced lesson on table manners. Here are a couple more:

1. People who chew loudly.

People who chew smacking their lips deserve to be smacked in the face. With a chair. There is nothing more annoying than hearing this consistent smack smack smack smack sluuuuuuurp smack smack smack smack smack while you're eating. The owner of this animalistic sound is usually oblivious to it, and you, a polite human being with the patience of a Buddhist monk, do not so much as dare say anything in its regard. Because then, you are the one that has a problem (anger issues), not them and their damn lip-smacking. So I think, quite frankly, if you want to ruminate like a cow, then you deserve to be alongside them in the fields.

Until then, enjoy raised eyebrows, withering glares, and angry side-glances.

2. People who talk with their mouths full.

Robert is a talker. He talks, alot, whether you listen to what he has to say, or not.

Robert also likes to talk with his mouth full. In fact, whenever he's at the dinner table, he seems to give his unwanted opinion exclusively after he shoved a spoonful of casserole into his mouth. This results in him showing all the contents of his mouth, but Robert is also known as a sharer. He shares what he has in his mouth with you by spraying you with it.

If he finds something funny, he will laugh, whether he has food, water, or a foot in his mouth. Robert doesn't give two fucks, because he's an inconsiderate ape.

Surprisingly, Robert is rarely ever invited at any social events.

3. People who take food from your plate without asking.

People who do this can't be sane, but I want to understand what their thought process is behind this.

Stomach: More food!

You: *looks down at plate* But it's empty! I finished my food!

Stomach: More food!

Brain: More food in next plate. Friend's plate.

You: *glances at my plate* You're right, brain.

Brain: Food. Take.

You: *reaches into my plate with a fork*

Me: *with ninjalike speed: grabs hand, crushes fingers.*

4. People who belch/fart at the dinner table.

Yikes. I don't understand why anyone would want to be around people like this. If it's an accident, I can understand it, and maybe, in ten years, even forgive you. But purposefully doing it because you think you're funny? You're an idiot. A caveman has a better sense of humour than you. If you need to pass gas, please excuse yourself from the table, go to the nearest bathroom, and flush yourself down the toilet. Nobody asked you to refresh the air with the smell of rotten eggs.

5. People who reach over your plate to take the saltshaker rather than asking for it.

Their excuse for this is usually, "I didn't want to disturb you."

Okay, let's backtrack. You leant over, stuck your elbow in my eye, grabbed the saltshaker, dragged your sleeve across my plate, knocked my water off the table, and settled back into your spot. When you literally could've asked me, "Hey, Dora, could you please pass the salt?"

That wouldn't have disturbed me. Making me lose an eye has.

6. People who hold their knife like a javelin.

Since when are we training for the Olympics at the dinner table?

7. People who kick you underneath the table/sit inappropriately.

If a toddler does this, it's understandable. Worth of a good ol' chastise, but still understandable. After all, it's up to the parent to teach them how to sit properly at the table. But if you, with your grown-ass, decide that it's a good idea to eat with your foot on the chair, then no, it's not okay. Not only have your parents failed, but you have failed as a human being. Congrats, you got played twice.

8. People who fiddle around with their phones whilst eating.

I know that in the 21st century having a conversation face-to-face with someone is as awkward as reading porn mags back in the 80s. But seriously, while you're at the dinner table? This is the perfect moment to socialise! To criticise! To bullshicise! Embrace the gift of speech, flaunt it. I don't care if your crush finally messaged you after two days, or if the Internet has regurgitated yet another tasty, flavoursome meme. That can wait until after. Actually, talk about it with your friends! That's the reason you all decided to be in the same place at the same time, right? To talk?

So put that damn phone away, you rude-ass.

9. People who stand up and leave before everybody else has finished.

Where do you think you're going? This is such a mom thing to say, but I 300% agree with it (inner-mom?). It's so rude to just get up and leave the table while the others are still eating. Where do you have to go that is so important and can't wait? (Unless you have explosive diarrhea, then I beg of you, make your way to the nearest WC pronto) If you get up and leave without saying anything, then stay gone. Nobody wanted you here anyway.

10. People who take two hours eating the entrée.

I'm a fast-eater myself, maybe because I'm always hungry. But have you noticed how restaurants give you a certain amount of time between courses to give you the chance to eat them? It's not that they give you the entrée and five minutes later you're given the main course. No, there is a break between each one, for the aformentioned reason. But it's not like you can just spend two hours on one meal. What is this? Everybody is here eating the dessert, and you're still at your first plate of pasta, which by now is colder than my heart.

-:-

So there you have it! If you know someone that falls under any of these categories, I suggest that you purchase this book for their birthday (you'll be doing both of you a favor):

That's all for tonight, amigos! The next episode of Uhm, Can You Not? will be on The Streets. 

🍟🍟🍟

Is there something that you're itching to complain about, but have the good sense not to do so on a public forum? I can do it for you! Feel free to PM me with the topic you want me to rant about, and I won't think twice before adding it here. I'll be waiting!