I've been flying ever since I was in the womb.

It was alright then; I was but a bean in the placenta, sloshing around and generally just being the freeloader I am today. But once I was forced out into the real world—followed by screams of agony and tears (I'm getting a sense of dejà vû here)—flying became a not-so-fun experience. Travelling is a not-so fun-experience when the vehicle you're using to get from Country A to Country B is a soup can with plastic, duct-taped wings, and the journey consists of getting launched into the air and hoping for the best.

But I guess plummeting to the ground in an enflamed bucket of metal is better than drowning getting mauled by sharks like in the Titanic. 

The first time is always exciting (*cough* terrifying). Hell, even I'll admit that I was excited! I'm lying, I don't remember the first time I flew. I told you, I was in the womb, dumbass. But what I do remember is the dozen of times I did after moving out of the vag. 

Each and every time is stressful and scary, at least for me. Even though you have a 1 in 7 million chance of dying in a plane crash, the fear is always there. Especially when you know that the only reason you're asked to buckle your seatbelt is because in the event of a disaster, your mutilated body will remain attached to your seat, hence making it easier for investigators to identify you. I have a lot more not-so-fun facts, but—*cue inspirational music*

I believe I can flyyyyyyyyy...

I believe I can touch the skyyyyyy...

 I fucking hate flying. 

If you haven't gathered that from my little spiel, then there it is; my confession is in bold and adorned with a salty curse word.

The only flight I ever truly enjoyed, was the one I did back in January (2016), when I flew from Canberra to Rome. The journey went like this: Canberra—Melbourne. Melbourne—Doha. Doha—Rome. 

"Are you fucking nuts, Dora? That's a 22 hour flight!" you say, staring at me with incredulity written all over your face. 

Yes, I know that, Luigi. But it was amazing because I flew in Business Class. You heard that right, bitch, Business Classssssss. I was treated like the queen I am, and it was fucking amazing. I said that already, but I'll say it again: amazing. It takes flying to a whole new level, the moment I got on the plane, I felt like Drake in the song Started From The Bottom. (Fun story: I was actually so excited of having an actual menu to choose from for lunch, that when it came, first I spilled tea all over the table, then, half of my omelette onto the aisle. I swear that in that moment, everyone knew I was an impostor, and that I had never flown in Business class before. I was like that crow posing like a peacock.)

I started from Economy Class, but now I'm here, in Business Class. I really cannot complain about Qatar Airways, they're a fabulous airline with 5 star service (no I wasn't paid to advertise), and if I had to flying for 22 hours again, I would totally go with them. In Business class, of course. Who are we kidding? 

But I too have experienced the Peasant cl—I mean, Economy class, and if you've never flied and want to hear about the experience from a flight-veteran person, then I'll oblige: getting a full-body wax is a less painful experience than this. Haven't waxed, not even your eyebrows? Then jumping in a Piranha infested river is a better experience than flying Economy. Death is a lot more appealing when it happens in mere minutes, rather than a couple of hours. 

So let me just quickly reiterate on my overall feeling about planes (excluding Business class):

Here are the ten most annoying things people do on planes:

1. Babies

No, not make babies on the plane. Jesus Christ, control that dirty mind of yours. *slap*

Crying babies. Tiny, pudgy, potato-shaped creatures than can scream for hours on end, unphased by its lack of manners and social etiquette. Why are you crying? I'm the one that should be crying! You won't even remember this damn flight, while it will haunt me for at least a week! Common sense tells me that a baby can't control when it cries (sftu common sense), but the parents can do something to quell their tiny bundle of sadness. Instead, they either just tune out the crying—I guess new-parents develop that skill relatively early on—or just ignore it and hope it goes away. But where can a little baby go, back up your wife's vagina? (Whew, I've been talking about vaginas a lot. #freethevag)

No, it's too big to go up there, so you'll have to find a different way of ensuring that the flight is pleasurable not only for you, your husband, and your kid, but also everyone else on the plane. Document yourself on how to prevent your baby from crying, please, the Internet is truly a wonderful place.

2. Mr. Pique

First name is Dick, second name is Irritation. Everyone, at some point in their life, gets stuck as a neighbour to this guy. This is the person that calls the hostess every ten minutes, has a bladder the size of a golfball (hence he has to take at least 20 trips to the bathroom), and seems unable to sit still. Being the lucky bitch I am, at least 1/4 of the time, I've been stuck with someone like this, especially when I just so happen to be sitting in the aisle seat (while they have the window seat). They should either a) learn some bladder-control exercises b) gorge themselves on sleepin pills.

3. Food

Well, people don't really make food on the plane, but I still felt the need to comment on it, since it's worse than eating out of a dumpster. Honestly, I rather not eat for 8 hours straight rather than force myself to eat something that looks like baby-vomit. In fact, airplane food is highly processed and contains a shit-ton of preservatives so that you feel constipated. Yet, for some unknown reason, the toilets always seem to be occupied. If they aren't pissing/pooping, what else could they be doing in there?

4. Toilet hog

What a surprise, this is the next thing on the list. Food goes into your mouth and out your butt, but this process doesn't always happen at the right time. In fact, it always happens when the toilet is occupied by someone else. Someone who is either constipated, or suffers from Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Playing the waiting game isn't fun when your bladder feels like it's on the verge of bursting, which makes me ask, what happened to being considerate of others? 

5. Feet nudism

You're sitting at a banquet loaded with delectable food—there's everything from chicken nuggets, to roasted chicken, to chicken drumsticks, it's practically chicken hell, but heaven for you. Your mouth waters at the sight of it all, but just as you grab your fork and start digging in, a horrible stench makes its way into your nose. It's a horrible mixture of rotting cheese and trash, which causes vomit to climb up your throat...

Your eyes fly open, but that gagging feeling doesn't leave. The gagging returns, and as you frantically search for the source of the smell, you can feel the soggy piece of cardboard the air hostess tried to pass as a chicken breast earlier, crawl its way back into your mouth. 

All of a sudden, your eyes home in on the culprit—in the next seat across the aisle, an elderly looking man, with a beer-belly as big as an eight-month pregnant woman's, is sitting with his legs open and his socks off. Your stomach lurches again as he curls his toes, revealing long, fungi-infest nails. Before you can projectile vomit all over the seat in front of you, you reach into the pouch and pull out the paper bag, heaving into it afterwards.

For God's sake, people, if you suffer from Athelete's foot, don't fucking take your socks off. 

6. Hobo Joe

What is showering? Hobo Joe certainly doesn't know. The last time this person showered was the day before their flight...or maybe the week before. It doesn't matter. They smell like age-old sweat, a corpse, and everything in between. Even that baby at the fron to plane, with that poop-filled diaper smells better than this person. It's impossible to get out of the projection radius of this person—everywhere you go, the smell follows you like that assignment you forgot to hand in before going on vacation. Clipping your toenails onto the aisle is just as nasty, so please refrain from doing so.

Airlines should have a policy about personal hygiene. 

7. Ebola carrier

You think this virus has been eradicated. But it hasn't. A couple of seats away from you, is a person that coughs at least once per minute, 60 times per hour. That's 120 coughs in a three hour flight. Every cough spurs a wince from you, the person next to you, and all 200 passengers. One cannot simply crack open a window and air out the germs—the air in the plane is recycled, so, eventually, Bob's Ebola at the front will cycle back to you.

*cough* 

8.  Overhead bin abusers

Ugh, these are the fucking worst. These people have like 10 carry-on bags (but surprisingly don't get charged for the excess) and decide that the overhead bin is their territory so they occupy the entire line (trampling everyone else's possession in the process) Those who are unlucky enough to board late are forced to shove their luggages under the seat in front of them, in the empty spot beside them, or up their ass. It's especially inconvenient when, in the event of severe turbulence, these tumble out K.O the poor fools around them—meanwhile, the cackling piece of shit owner is seated ten spots away.

9. Reclining in your seat/Getting your seat kicked

For the sake of sticking to ten things (I'm cheating here) I decided to put these under the same heading. Reclining in your seat isn't exactly a crime punishable by death, but it's only annoying when the person infront of you does it. When you fly Economy, the seat in front of you is ten inches away from your face, so even reclining it by 2 degrees will result in getting jabbed in the stomach with your tray (if it's open), or having the TV screen shoved into your face. It's a domino effect, because then you have to recline your own seat to make up for it, and so on and so forth. Nobody wins, except the guy that's all the way at the front. 

Getting you seat kicked is a different story. Everywhere you go, be it on the plane, at the movies, whatever, there's always that one person that seems to have ants in their pants. If they're a kid, they find joy in the suffering of others—they kick the seat because not only are they spawns of Satan, but their legs are short. If they're an adult, it's even worse, because then you have their knees jabbing into your back, and again, your tray into your stomach. You can't win. 

To solve this issue, unbuckle your seatbelt, make your way down the aisle and to the emergency latch, open it, and launch yourself from the plane. 

10.  Group Z

Do you know why we are split in groups? So that when the lady calls it, you can board the plane with peers that share your area—it's less time-consuming and more effective than having a buffalo stampede.

It also prevents Harold from Group Z from trying to blend in with the kings/queens from Group A.

But there is always that one person that manages to sneak their way in anyway. *looks pointedly at Susan*

Boarding the plane makes me so anxious, which is why I always have to be the first in line. I have to double/triple/quadruple check that I have the right ticket, that I have all my belongings, that the ticket-taking-person doesn't see the fear in my eyes...

So, seriously, if you're in Group Z, stay there. Stay in the pits of hell where you belong. 

-:-

 The topic for next's episode of Uhm, Can You Not? will be on Wattpad noobs.

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Is there something that you're itching to complain about, but have the good sense not to do so on a public forum? I can do it for you! Feel free to PM me with the topic you want me to rant about, and I won't think twice before adding it here. I'll be waiting!