If you're someone like me, who likes to procrastinate by lurking in the threads, then you've probably seen all there is to see on Wattpad. Nothing fazes you anymore. Someone could slap you with a cold slice of baloney and you wouldn't even flinch. *shudders*

Think of Wattpad like a virtual community centre, except that instead of learning how to save a deteriorating marriage, fry an egg, or bury a body, you learn about writing. It's a wonderful, magical place, and once you push the double-doors open and take a step inside, you're sucked into it for hours on end. Until you realise that it's all just a big illusion and you practically wasted hours of your life arguing with a twelve-year-old girl about how problematic 5SOS is. 

Anyway, there are a plethora of clubs: there is a Multimedia Club, an Improve Your Writing Club, a club for almost every genre...in short, there's no way you can't fit in. There's even a Café where, over a steaming cup of hot chocolate and a plate of cookies, you can spill the tea on those around you (mostly about how there are boys on Wattpad. Shocker, I know.)

Unfortunately, the threads are also littered with desperate new writers, who are willing to sell a an eye and a kidney for few "omg dis is de best thin i evr red!"'s  on their Harry Styles fanfiction. These newbies literally saturate the threads with the same fucking questions, which makes me wonder whether the search bar at the top of the screen is only there as a decoration. Got a question about something? There is most likely a book there to answer it for you. Just use the goddamn search bar and type in the keywords. It's not that simple—your parents didn't buy you a smartphone at the age of six for you to be so ignorant about technology. 

So being a Wattpad grandma, and a thread stalker, I've compiled a list of frequently asked questions by newbies in the threads. Oh, and if you're a new writer, then:

Let's get started, shall we? *clicks on the IYW thread logo* 

1. How do I get more readers?

Fuck me. Really? Y'all don't know how many times this question gets asked. There are usually one-two threads open about this, simultaneously. Also, usually, the users who ask this question have joined the site about three days ago, have posted only twice in the thread (once for this stupid question and another bashing a 1D hater) and aren't active at all. Like you could go on their feed and it's completely blank. They aren't following anyone, haven't commented on anyone's works, nothing. Nada. Zilch.

So how the fuck can you expect to just have more readers? Readers aren't plants. They aren't sold at the local market and can be planted in your backyard. They won't come raining down the sky, especially when there's millions of other books out there. Your shitty fic on alpha mates and horny vampires is but a drop in an ocean of books. 

"Okay, Dora. So how do I get more readers?"

My hand tightens around my vanilla milkshake, but that little rational voice in the back of my head begs me not to spill it all over the place. It wasn't cheap. Actually it was. I'm just trash.

"To get more readers, you gotta work work work work work work—" I pause when I see you squat and begin shaking your ass. I turn to look at you, my fellow reader, with my typical expression of disgust and resentment. I should get paid for this. 

To get more readers, you gotta get involved in the community yo. Join bookclubs, read + comment + vote on other people's stories, start beef in the threads, sacrifice a lamb to the Dark Overlord...there are tons of things you can do to get readers other than leaning back against the slimy walls of your basement and whinging about it. 

2. What is the most popular genre to write in?

This question is a no-brainer. No, really, people who ask this have no brains. 

"Which one do you think, Jimmy?" I ask, shoving the microphone into a random boy's face and tilting my head to one side with a sickly-sweet smile.

"Uh—Uhm..Ehm..." He takes a half-step back, his eyes darting around the area, searching for a way out. "I...uhm...I—" Suddenly, he bursts into tears and shoves his thumb into his mouth.

I click my tongue and bring the microphone away. "Pathetic. Truly pathetic. The answer is Fanfiction." I spit on him and turn on my heel, clicking away without looking over my shoulder. 

But there is also Teen Fiction, Romance, and Fantasy. Those are literally the most popular genres people read/write  on this site (mostly because the demographics are pubescent girls), but does that mean that throwing random words together into incoherent sentences and calling it "The Bad Boy's Ass-Wiper" will get you millions of reads and votes? Ask the author of After. 

In the rare case, yes, it will, but not always. Not when you have thousands of books revolving around the same storyline, same cardboard cutouts of celebrities, same romanticised issues of physical/sexual abuse and mental illnesses. People are sick of reading the same crap over and over (I know I am), and having author's call it original/unique. It reminds me of that cleaning lady that accidentally threw away a work of modern art in a museum because she thought it was trash. 

And yet, modern art seems to be popular nowadays. Coincidence?

3. What are Wattpad's biggest clichés?

Well, damn diddly doo, Tiffany, what hasn't been done already? Why do you create a thread, to which dozens of people respond to naming the clichés you're trying to "avoid" when then you just go ahead and write your shitty Justin Bieber erotica anyway? Why waste everybody's time?

This question is seriously one of the dumbest out there in the threads. It's not a matter of writing a story using clichés (I say this all the time: life itself is full of clichés), it's how you present them that makes all the difference. Example! 

The popular girl cliché: White, blonde, busty, big ass, long legs, dumb, promiscuous, gorgeous, is a cheerleader, bitchy, jealous of the MC for no reason other than breathing, popular, rich, loved by everyone.

What I've described above is a plastic surgery-altered Barbie Doll with anger-management issues. 

Apparently, to be a popular person in a Teenfic novel, you have to have at least five of those traits. I mean, who's heard of a popular girl who's friendly, intelligent, flat-chested, or POC? Apparently no one has on this site, and it appears to me that everyone is basing their stories on High School Musical.

Bottomline is, don't ask about what clichés are there. There are dozens of them, with each genre having their own mile-long list. Oh, and don't you dare say, "My book doesn't have any clichés!" because I know you're a lying bitch. 

4. Are there any boys here?

No. We chopped their peepees off, shoved them into our miaows until we screamed, then threw their useless bodies in a pit of demonic alligators. 

Newbies ask this question thinking they're sleek, thinking that the older population doesn't understand what you're trying to do here. Yes, the female to male ratio is 4:1, but some members of the male species have managed to escape from our clutches and reproduce asexually. Take it from me, the head mistress.

Children here are trying to hook up. Otherwise, who gives a fuck about your gender? This is a writing site! We're here to write! Unless you're asking for writing purposes, such as ensuring that you're not misgendering someone, who gives a flying fuck how many boys are on this site? They're everywhere! They're impossible to eradicate! 

This isn't Match.com, eHarmony, or Christian Connection. Nobody wants to know about whether you're in a relationship, divorced, or happily widowed. You're here to write and make friends. If you're so thirsty, go buy a bottle of Evian water. 

5. Why isn't anyone reading/voting/commenting on my story?

...I want to be a hypocrite and say, "Maybe because it sucks?" but I've made a rant about NOT telling people that their writing sucks, so I have to keep my questionable morals consistent.

People don't vote on your story, because there are thousands of others out there. If yours camoflauges against the dirt, nobody is going to see it NOR bother reading it. There are a million decisive factors in determining whether someone decides to read/comment/vote on your book. The cover, blurb, first chapter, hook, plot, writing style, etc. and basically the tastes of the individual person. But reads/votes/comments deserve sections of their own.

Why isn't anyone reading?

I've gone over this already, and I can't be bothered to reiterate.

Why isn't anyone voting?

Most people simply forget to. Imagine being engrossed in a book, and losing your concentration to scroll up and click that little star. Imagine that there are 50+ chapters. Yeah, people are just lazy sacks of potatoes.

Why isn't anyone commenting?

Well, if you think voting was exhausting, commenting is even worse. You have to actually take the time to formulate at least ONE word in your head, tag a friend who agrees with your comment, fight with the "Post" button...ain't nobody got time for that. If you're looking for spontaneous feedback, then keep looking, but you won't find it any time soon. People are warded off by tantrum-throwing authors, who claim that they're open to feedback, but then rage the moment you point out a misplaced comma. 

6. Do people really judge a book by its cover?

Yes. If they didn't, there wouldn't be a fucking Multimedia thread, don't you think?

Imagine seeing two apples. One is big, scarlet-red, and shiny, while the other is dull-looking, lumpy, smaller. Your first instinct is to go for the big red one, right? Well, that's what got Snow White poisoned, dumped in a coma, and molested by a prince with fish-lips.

I admit that I tend to judge a book by its cover, but after being disappointed on countless occasions, I'm a lot more skeptical about the quality of the content nowadays. If I see a cover that's too well-done, then I go to the blurb, and usually that makes it or breaks it to me. If a cover is pretty nyeh, then I'll most likely just skip to the next one, but if something about the title or first line of the blurb catches my eye, then I'll check it out.

A dodgy-looking cover raises red flags, because it tells a potential reader that the author was too lazy to get a designer to make a cover for them. Instead, they preferred to use their blurry profile picture and slap a default font onto it. Sometimes, it's because the author is new and doesn't know that they can request a cover, but others are legitimately just lazy. So if you're too lazy to get a cover, I'm too lazy to read your book. Bye Felicia 👊

7. Can someone please give me feedback on my blurb?

The OP says, before, with a flick of their wrist, they vanish in thin air, never to be heard from again. Dozens of people foolishly comment feedback/corrections/encouragement, but the OP is long gone, off to wreck havoc in a different thread.

But even if they do stay, they keep nagging you until you practically rewrite their blurb for them. There is a different between feedback and rewrites. Feedback is given to supposedly help your blurb improve, as well as giving you pointers, so in the future, when you write more blurbs for other stories, you can apply that feedback to it and (hopefully) not have to resort to asking for help in the thread. But a lot of newer authors are looking for someone who will do the job for them. It's counterintuitive—it's called the Improve Your Writing club, not the Get Your Writing Done For You club. 

8. I'm new! Does anyone want to be my friend?

Short answer? No. 

Any conversation you have in this thread (usually in the café) will be superficial, because underneath the surface, everybody is secretly wishing that the other will check out their profile and works. It's like everyone is wearing this mask of feigned stupidity, but in reality, people know exactly what they're doing. I've personally never made proper Wattpad friends in these kinds of threads—I usually made them while in one of those controversial threads (where the OP is tryna act all naive and innocent, but really wants so drama). Together, after doing our secret handshake, we roast the ignorant fools. That's the stuff of real friendships, not "LET'S BE FRIENDS" threads. 

9. What rating should I give my story? 

Another one of those sneaky ways to get people to read their story. Why? Because in order to get an inkling of what the rating should be, you have to go into the story and read it. Otherwise, how will you know? The blurb gives you no indication, no matter how many times it mentions "blood", "balls", and "gunk". You have to actually see it in the story for it to be rated Mature.

But these people know this perfectly. Which is why I always kindly direct them towards the Wattpad help center, where they can get all the information they need without trying to scam people.

Otherwise, I'll rate this story a 3 out of 10, since you asked.

10. Am I the only one that does this? 

There are over 7 billion people in the world, of which around 42 million are on Wattpad. In what realm of possibility are you the only one who does something? None. You don't sound quirky/weird/hipster or whatever the hell you're going for. You just sound like one of those pretentious Beckies that say, "I'm not like other girls—I prefer to wear skirts without panties, because I believe in living life au naturelle. I also eat grass and treebark for breakfast, lunch, AND dinner, so don't mess with me Martha, or I'll show my pumpkin-spice latte so far down your throat, your farts will smell like Fall."

Bitch, please. 

-:-

Thanks for reading, my darlings! The topic for next's episode of Uhm, Can You Not? will be on the Beach. (not literally tho) 

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Is there something that you're itching to complain about, but have the good sense not to do so on a public forum? I can do it for you! Feel free to PM me with the topic you want me to rant about, and I won't think twice before adding it here. I'll be waiting!