"My room is not messy, it is an obstacle course designed to keep me fit."

-Anonymous

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto!

Warning: People die in this chapter. So... Beware of that.

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(HAKU)

Haku was carrying a basket draped in pink cloth. It was a very feminine and pretty-looking basket, and if Haku was insecure he might have been uncomfortable carrying such a thing in public. But Haku didn't mind in the slightest. He was—as Sakura dubbed it—gender fluid, and was perfectly fine masquerading as a girl whenever he wanted to.

He liked cute things.

Although he didn't like it when people stopped to stare at him on the street. He understood he was a "pretty boy" and he drew the gazes of both genders. That didn't mean he enjoyed their looks. He couldn't help it if he was born with good genetics.

Which was why he was most comfortable wearing a mask.

But Mei had become increasingly insistent that he didn't hide his good looks, and should instead embrace them.

She might have only said this to convince him to dress up in a kimono, though.

Haku approached the Mizukage tower, heading past the guards on duty and giving a polite nod to the secretary. He headed up to the highest floor where he could already hear his master and Mei arguing.

"—and I told you to stop dressing Haku up like a goddamn doll!" Zabuza snarled.

"He's adorable!" Mei shouted back. "Beautiful people ought to embrace their blessings. It's for the betterment of the world."

"In what way!?" Zabuza howled.

Haku cleared his throat politely when he entered the room. Zabuza had his hands on Mei's desk and was leaning over it. Mei was leaning forward as well, her face barely a few centimeters away from Zabuza. Both were red-faced, and when Haku announced his presence they abruptly jumped back.

Sakura-chan will be happy to hear about this, Haku thought. He held up the basket. "Sakura-chan sent a goody basket for Mei-sama."

Mei's entire face lit up like the sunrise. She had originally been skeptical of Sakura's delightful treats, but after seeing Zabuza and Haku wolf them down a few times she eventually gave in.

She was hooked instantly.

Mei tried to persuade the Hokage to send Sakura with the Konoha delegation to work on their alliance, but Sakura was already going to Suna. It was unfortunate timing, but Mei was damn determined to convince Sakura to defect from Konoha and be her personal baker.

"I also have a note from Sakura for you," Haku went on. "She'd like to ask you to officially join her harem. In doing so, she will send a goody basket twice a month, along with the official harem clothing."

Clothing Haku proudly wore on his days off because they were extremely comfy. He caught Zabuza wearing the pajamas every now and then.

Mei thought for all of three seconds before she said, "Of course! Does she need my sizes?"

Haku recited Sakura's written response to that, "'Everyone knows a goddesses' sizes."

That made Mei giggle flirtatiously, while Zabuza made a scoffing noise.

"Goddess my ass," Zabuza grouched.

He wasn't able to dodge Mei's hands, and the Mizukage promptly through him out her window. She turned back to Haku and said with a smile, "Please let Sakura-chan know I'll gladly accept. I'll write a letter to her shortly, if you don't mind sending that along?"

Haku nodded shortly, happy with this outcome. "Of course. I'm sure Sakura-chan would be very happy to hear from you."

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(SAKURA)

"Look," I cut in sharply, taking a seat at the table for breakfast the following morning, "if you want to keep talking about my boy's dick, you're gonna have to become his Dick Advocate. There is no other way. Otherwise Hina-chan is gonna kick your ass."

Sai didn't respond immediately, considering my argument.

Naruto was torn between wanting to vehemently reject the idea, and wanting to always enable my insanity. Kakashi and Tenzou were watching Naruto's inner conflict with no hidden amount of amusement.

"You know, Naruto," Kakashi casually slid in, "if you asked her to not make you get a Dick Advocate then I bet she would. She's your best friend, right?"

Naruto was sucking on his inner cheeks, glaring hatefully at Kakashi.

"But having a genital advocate is great," I persuaded him. "I mean, Kakashi's butt really appreciates all the work I do."

"I absolutely deny that with every fiber of my being," Kakashi informed me.

"You ignore your butt, you can't understand what it's saying," I dismissed. "Hear that? Sakura-chan's the best and you should join her harem? I think that's what your booty wants."

Kakashi shook his head. "Are you officially asking me?"

"Nope. Not until I know for certain you'd join, and I know exactly when that will happen," I said with a wicked grin. "When the High Priest has descended from his retreat, and he joins my harem. You will follow him."

"Is the High Priest Deadpool or Obito?" Sai questioned. "I do not remember which one."

"Okay, so High Priest of Insanity is Deadpool," I explained, "but High Priest of the Goggle Gods is Obito. He has the Rainbow Stick story, and when I have proven my worth he will enlighten me."

Sai nodded, accepting this information. "And what are you?"

"I am the priestess who hears their stories," I answered. "And Kakashi's Butt Advocate who gets daily hugs."

"And if I were to become Naruto's Genital Advocate," Sai said slowly, ignoring how Naruto cringed, "would I be a part of this religion?"

"Why am I here," Sasori bemoaned, burying his face in his hands. My Boy Toy was finally starting to show the signs of cracking after listening to our wild conversations for the past few days. "Take me to T&I, please."

"You could become an acolyte," I offered Sai. "The Bakashi Temple hasn't been built, yet, though."

Kakashi made a groan of distaste at that, and Tenzou gave his senpai a consoling pat on the back.

Sai considered all of this.

"You can stop this, Naruto," Tenzou tried to persuade him. "Breakfast meals don't have to be about your little me."

Naruto looked over at Tenzou, then he looked Sai dead in the eye and said with a completely straight face, "Sai, will you be my Dick Advocate?"

Sai didn't hesitate. "Yes."

Kakashi and Tenzou moaned as I let out a whoop and high-fived my best friend. "See! That's why I love you the most!"

"I know," Naruto said, grinning. "But, uh, no offense Sai. I don't swing that way, so you're just an advocate."

Sai nodded. "Yes, I understand. I am curious about the religion of the Goggle Gods, so I would like to pursue what it means to be an acolyte."

"Stop converting people," Tenzou scolded me.

"I can't help it if people wanna join the fun side," I said with a shrug. "Speaking of fun side... Kimimaro, sweetheart, you wanna join us?"

Kimimaro silently stood in the doorway of the kitchen, having come up from his room from the smell of a hot meal. He shifted his weight, uneasily looking around at us.

I patted the empty seat next to me, giving him a big warm smile. "C'mere. I promise we'll keep it clean now."

"Oh, sure, for him," Kakashi muttered.

"He is a precious little angel and deserves to be cherished," I said sternly. "Naruto, say hi to your brother from another mother."

"Hi brother from another mother," Naruto greeted him, waving. "C'mon. I'll tell you the story about how we saved a princess."

Kimimaro hesitantly took a seat in between Naruto and myself. "Okay."

Naruto gave him a big sunny smile. My best friend understood that Kimimaro's memories were jumbled up, and the dear was suffering from PTSD and general anxiety. Therapy definitely helped, but it was time to start establishing a social support network. I thought Naruto would be a good first friend (outside of me, because Kimimaro already acknowledged me as his caretaker and someone who cared deeply about him). He and Tenzou already had a tentative bond, and I hoped that after Kimimaro opened up a bit more to Naruto that he and Tenzou would officially become friends.

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I woke up that morning and I thought to myself: Today I wanted to be a guy.

So I went about binding my chest as tight as I could, swapping out my usual outfit for thick black pants and a red hoodie, and I pulled my hair into ponytail a bit like Itachi's.

My change in appearance wasn't commented on at breakfast, and only when everyone was gathered at our meeting point did Naruto ask, "What happened to your boobs?"

"I'm a boy today," I explained.

They stared at me in silence.

"Of all the things that could have been said, I'm glad it was that," Kakashi finally settled on.

"Does this mean you need a Dick Advocate?" Sai questioned, perfectly serious.

I considered this. "Hmm. I guess I do need an imaginary Dick Advocate. You wanna volunteer?"

Sai nodded, accepting this noble task.

And that was that. Back to business!

"I thought we'd take a break from missions and focus on training for a while," Kakashi told us. "Specifically, I wanted Naruto to learn about nature change in chakra. Sakura, I know you probably need to work at the hospital."

"Righty-o," I confirmed. "Cool beans, then. While Naruto's sweating out here in this heat, I'll get to sew arms back on to dumbasses! Great day already."

That got a small snort out of Sasori, which made me beam like a sunrise.

"So," I said with a smile, "who's gonna be my escort?"

Kakashi and Tenzou exchanged looks. A silent argument was made between the two before Kakashi sighed and said, "I will. Tenzou will supervise Naruto's training."

I let out an eep of joy at that, launching myself at Kakashi for my daily joyous hug. The ex-ANBU captain accepted it with grim reluctance, and started walking towards the hospital, with me still clung onto him.

I didn't have to let go until we got there.

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Things fell into a comfortable routine for a week. Sasori was surprisingly entertained by my outrageous patients, and surgeries. He floated above most of the procedures and gave clipped remarks here and there, and he actually chuckled when he saw the look of one of the patients when he realized what I'd have to do to treat him. He was equally amused when Anko and I got together and tormented whatever poor sap she "accidentally" poisoned.

He even suggested a few recipes that had me itching to try out.

What I'm trying to say is there is no better bonding technique than witnessing the sheer stupidity of some dummies.

And getting to relish the look on their faces when you pull out the big needles.

All too soon our routine was put on hold and our team was sent off on another mission.

Naruto, Naruto's Dick Advocate, Kakashi, and Kakashi's Butt Advocate.

Together again and ready to take on the world.

It was gonna be swell.

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"I get to use a new poison," I squealed out in delight, unable to stop myself from glancing over at Sasori with unhidden affection.

"Don't look so happy. It's merely a combination I wanted to try for myself," Sasori snapped back insistently. "Since your summons can procure ingredients with ease, the most rational thing to do was give you the recipe to try out."

"I love you," I told Sasori, and everyone in my team sighed and responded back with, "I know."

Except Naruto who perked up and said, "I love you, too!"

I clapped my hands excitedly. "This is gonna be great! Oooh, boy!"

It didn't take long to figure out which mission we were sent on. It was... drumroll, please... The Twelve Guardians Arc!

We were summoned to meet some monks near the Fire Temple. Canonically, when the other party would fail to show up Naruto would get separated from Team 7. He'd end up stumbling upon one of the four hidden tombs team 7 was asked to protect. There, Naruto meets Sora who mistakes Naruto for a grave robber and attacks him.

As it happens, the tombs end up getting raided by some Big Baddies. Namely Fudo, Fuka, Fuen, and their leader Furido. In canon team 7 kind of gets their ass handed to them by these filler villains, and Sai gets hospitalized. Sora has to replace Sai, and then the baddies end up creating a zombie apocalypse in Konoha!

The baddies obviously get defeated, though, and the zombies are taken care of.

Upon realizing all that was about to happen, I decided to fuck up the story line for shits and giggles.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom for, like, two hours," I told the group suddenly.

"Uh," came Kakashi. "What?"

"I'll be back in two hours. Meet ya'll at the temple."

"You can't go alone," Kakashi said flatly.

"I swear I'll be safe," I promised him. "But I just know I gotta go now. I promise I'll be back!"

"Just let her go," Naruto said. "We trust her, right?"

Kakashi hesitated. "... Sure."

"Have fun pooping," Sai politely informed me.

"Yeah, it'll be a blast," I said, skipping off into the forest.

Although I wasn't actually going to the bathroom (obviously).

Nope.

This was the Sora-Arc. Which meant that there were a bunch of grave robbers that were essentially free test subjects for my new poison.

And I just so happened to know where they would be gathering in fifteen minutes.

'Tee-hee!'

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It didn't even taken me thirteen minutes to find where their leader, Furido, was. Having knowledge of the future was such a cheat.

"WOO-HOO! I get to kill the main villain this time," I let out a big cheer at that. Kakashi got to kill the last two big baddies all by himself. Now, though? NOW IT'S MY TIME TO SHINE.

I couldn't stop myself from doing a little dance in place. The soon to be dead villain gave me a look of plain disdain. "You insane scum. You think you will so easily defeat me?"

I kept on dancing. "Oh, honey, I know I will. Ibuse, my baby, show this plebeian my love."

Ibuse jumped out from the ground, bellowing out enough poison to cover the entire area. My dancing got a little bit more sporadic and happy as I hopped over toward the now seizing villain.

"It causes seizures?" Sasori observed with interest. "I would have thought it would lead to cardiac arrest."

"Oh, wow he's starting to foam at the mouth!" I exclaimed, pausing in my amazing dancing to examine him. "Ew, it stinks."

Sasori and I watched the poison do its work for another half an hour. The seizures stopped once he started bleeding out of his ears.

"Think it caused an aneurysm?" I asked Sasori. "Or do you think he drowned in his own fluids?"

"Hard to say without doing an autopsy," Sasori commented on.

I whipped out my bag of medical supplies. "Whelp. Let's remedy that. Ibuse, you're the best and I love you."

"You use that word to easily," Sasori told me.

"You underestimate my feelings," I returned.

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Man, I was having the luckiest mission ever. After I finished my autopsy of the big baddie, I ran into the last three e of the baddies and got to use the poison on them, too! They all had similar reactions to the first one, but they didn't last as long. I was positively gleeful at being to test out the new poison on so many willing subjects, and all of their autopsies confirmed that the poison killed via aneurysms.

Which was surprising since we thought for sure it was supposed to induce a cardiac arrest and eventually stop the heart of the victim!

Oh, chemistry... how you fascinate me.

The results were enlightening enough that Sasori gave me several new recipes to try out—and he actually seemed almost giddy about it too. Or about as giddy as stoic puppet could get.

I could tell, though. I could see the gleam in his eyes!

When I regrouped with my team—over an hour later—I had a big grin on my face and was carrying around a few corpse storage scrolls. "Hey everyone! Guess what adventure I got to go on."

"A completely epic one?" Naruto asked. "Anything's better than the absolutely boring night we've been through."

"Actually, yes!" I chirped. "I killed all the bad guys for this mission. We can go home."

They stared at me for a few seconds.

"Okay, great," Kakashi said. "Got their corpses?"

"Yep," I said, patting the scrolls. "We can give them to the main monk then head back. No problem-o."

"Wow, this was really easy," Naruto remarked.

"It would be nice if all missions went this smoothly," Sai observed. "Is this the part where we give thanks to the Goggle Gods?"

"We do that while indulging on junk food at home."

With the Sora Arc out of the way all then the next part would be...

'Zombie-Duo!'

In just one week I'd get to add two more lovely individuals to my harem.

Gosh, I couldn't wait.

'I better get the ingredients for my apology cakes for Kisame-sama and Itachi.'

'Oh. And I better talk to Anko about Jashin again, make sure she's still interested.'

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With Tsunade's help, we were able to pinpoint the location that the Akatsuki duo would be heading to submit the monk's bounty. Asuma's original team would still head out there—and we would send search party to all the other points—because we didn't want to let on to how much we knew.

Especially since Project Uproot (ba-dum-tss... heh-heh) has begun. With Orochimaru's list of compromised agents, Jiraiya was rushed back into the village (secretly, so not even Naruto knew) and Tenzou was put back into ANBU temporarily. I didn't know all the details, but I knew the two of them were slowly kidnapping ROOT members, releasing them of Danzō's seals, and giving them to the clean T&I agents to either rehabilitate or... take care of.

Officially they were being sent out on long term missions by Tsunade. It wouldn't draw too much attention from Danzō for a while, at least.

When more than half the ROOT members have been taken care of, Tsunade would move in to capture Danzō herself.

I hoped that would line up with my reunion with Sasuke and Itachi.

It'd definitely help Sasuke's mentality if he got to kill Danzō.

An-y-way so we would send out hunting teams to each base to show we didn't know what was going on. And we weren't gonna tell Asuma's group what was happening.

Nah, no need.

Because I'd be tagging along in secret.

It was gonna be great.

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(KAKUZU)

Everything was going great.

He submitted a hefty bounty on some monk, and was about to get himself another cash in with this new bounty.

Hidan was about to win against Asuma, and not a moment too soon since Kakuzu was getting bored of dealing with the worthless Konoha shinobi with him.

And then things took a turn toward shitty.

Kakuzu felt the ground rumble before he noticed the oncoming chakra signature from below. He leaped back and away, dropping his hostages and watching the ground with narrowed eyes.

His moronic partner didn't even notice until his ritual circle was effectively destroyed as a massive salamander leaped up from the ground. On top of it was—

'Kisame's fangirl?' Kakuzu thought with disbelief.

The pinkette was laughing maniacally, flipping off her summon as Hidan fell flat on his ass, his jutsu canceled out. "WHAT THE FUCK?!"

The salamander's tongue lashed out and wrapped around the bounty that was only a split second away from being Hidan's next victim. Asuma let out a surprised grunt, and then the salamander swallowed him whole before doing the same thing to the other shinobi.

Kakuzu snarled to himself, realizing what was about to happen and dashed towards the salamander.

The kunoichi slapped her hands onto the ground and a massive wall rose up in between Kakuzu and her summon, her laughter rising up to a higher pitch and becoming positively gleeful. Kakuzu immediately destroyed the wall, but it was too late and the salamander was gone... along with his bounty.

"WHO—W—Wait a minute! You're fishface's girlfriend!" Hidan realized, pointing an accusatory finger towards her.

She blew him a kiss, sauntering over to him and extending her hand as an offer to help him.

His idiot partner actually accepted the offer and she easily lifted him onto her feet. "That's right, darling. I'm Sakura, priestess of the Goggle Gods and acolyte of Jashin-sama."

'What?' Kakuzu thought. 'Oh, no, don't tell me—'

Hidan's face lit up like a firework. "What? No fucking way!"

"Way," Sakura reassured him, turning around and lifting up her shirt to show him something on her back. "See? I got the mark."

"Holy fuck! What the hell are you doing in Konoha?" Hidan laughed.

"I'm still under service with the Goggle Gods, which requires me to be in Konoha," she explained to him, ignoring Kakuzu's blatant killing intent being focused on her. "Under Jashin-sama's fifth commandment—"

"Acceptance of shared religions can hold equal value," Hidan finished, grinning like mad. "No fucking way. I thought I was the last after the temple got destroyed."

She shook her head. "Oh, no. I'm actually trying to convince T&I to set up an altar. I've got one potential new convert named Anko."

"Kakuzu, we gotta go to Konoha," Hidan insisted.

"Absolutely not," Kakuzu hissed out. "We're wanted by Konoha."

Sakura nodded. "Sorry, Hidan. I'm working with Konoha to get that fixed, but you'll have to wait a few months."

"Feh. Oi! You owe me a sacrifice," Hidan told her. "Not cool messing with mine."

"I'll bring you dozens of sacrifices if you allow me to help you," Sakura promised, her lips stretching into a mischievous smile. "I do hope you'll both forgive me for what I'm about to do, though." That instantly had Kakuzu back on guard. "I'm going to have to invoke the right of the eighth amendment."

Hidan's face screwed up. "What? The religion isn't about to die out, why—"

"You're our last high priest," Sakura pointed out. "I have to keep you safe... no matter what."

"Uh—"

His dumbass partner straight up didn't doge her senbon that dug straight into his arm. There was a twitch, then he was down for the count. Kakuzu attempted to move away but then—

There was a Chi-fucking-dori straight through Kakuzu's heart, and he could feel the pin-prick of another needle. Poison flooded through his system, effectively rendering him unconscious in seconds.

'Stupid. Fucking. Fangirls.'

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(KISAME & ITACHI)

Kisame and Itachi were staring down at two neatly wrapped cake boxes. There was another package that they knew would contain hand-knitted apparel, and likely more mini treats.

They knew what the boxes meant since it wasn't either of their birthdays.

'Who did she take?' Kisame asked himself. 'Deidara? Tobi? Kakuzu? Hidan? Maybe Zetsu?'

Itachi was hoping that she grabbed the zombie duo. It would make the cakes taste all the sweeter.

"How did she know we would be in Amegakure?" Kisame wondered out loud.

'She can see into the future?' Itachi guessed privately. "Hn. Intuitive leap?"

"You don't think she knows this is our headquarters?" Kisame asked, a worried tone only barely noticeable in his voice.

Itachi could understand his concern. If she did know this was the Akatsuki home base—and Itachi would bet all the dango in the world she did—then the Akatsuki would have to hunt her down before she spread that knowledge.

Neither of them wanted to do that.

"Unlikely," Itachi lied. "It is more probable that a merchant from outside of Ame recognized us and spread the word. You know Konoha is on the hunt for anyone with clouds. She might have sent the cakes to Ame, thinking we would stop to rest. It is doubtful she would realize what Ame could really mean."

Kisame relaxed. "Oh. Yeah, you're right. I guess we should open these up, then?"

Itachi nodded, and the two opened the prettily wrapped boxes.

The first cake read: SORRY FOR TAKING KAKUZU. GILF IS NOT HAPPY.

The second cake read: NOT SORRY FOR TAKING HIDAN. KINKY BOY IS FUNNY.

Clearly, neither of them showed visible signs of relief at who she had taken, but both were definitely happy about it.

"Gosh. What a shame," Kisame said, entirely not meaning it. "Better not let these cakes go to waste, though."

Itachi was already cutting them up. The Kakuzu cake was a dark chocolate, with Hidan being vanilla with a strawberry mouse at the center. He served a slice of each for himself and Kisame, and slowly took the first bite.

Divine.

"How much longer until she's an adult?" Kisame asked his partner, savoring each bite.

"Two years," Itachi answered.

"What are the chances that we could save up enough money in that time to get her to open a bakery shop?" Kisame asked, dead serious.

Itachi thought that was the most brilliant idea his partner had ever had. "We will begin taking bounties in earnest starting tomorrow."

"What's going on?" Deidara asked, entering the kitchen. "Cake? What, is it someone's birthday, yeah?"

Kisame and Itachi did not answer, both pointedly not looking Deidara in the eye.

Deidara read the messages on the cake, and he put two and two together.

His face twisted into anger. "What the fuck, yeah?! Cake! This better not be from that crazy bitch that took my partner, yeah!"

Kisame and Itachi didn't want to answer that question.

"SHE MADE APOLOGY CAKES FOR KIDNAPPING THEM?! Don't tell me she made one for Sasori-no-danna and you—YOU ATE HIS APOLOGY CAKE, YEAH?!"

Itachi decided to act swiftly. Faster than Deidara could move, he forced a piece of Hidan's apology cake into Deidara's mouth. The red-faced young man bit down on it, and the moment he tasted it—

Clarity washed over his face. He chewed it slowly, swallowed, his anger now entirely gone.

Deidara considered his next words. "Well, if she's already taken them, better not let this cake go to waste, yeah?"

Kisame offered him a couple slices, and the Akatsuki member silently accepted them.

He had now joined them in their agreement that these cakes were the best damn things in the world.

"Think she'll take Tobi?" Deidara asked hopefully.

"It's only a matter of time," Itachi reassured him.

"What is going on?" Konan inquired coldly, entering the kitchen. The three men froze, all of them looking away and refusing to meet her gaze.

She also put two and two together.

But before she could begin maiming them, Itachi shoved a piece of cake in her mouth.

Clarity washed over her face. She chewed it slowly, swallowed, her anger now entirely gone.

Silence fell into the kitchen as Konan promptly took four slices of the cake, and left

"So we're gonna take some bounties to save up and get a bakery shop for Sakura," Kisame told Deidara. "Want in?"

"Yes!"

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Next up is Sanbi. Might do a movie to stretch out the story since I'm moving so quick. I'm thinking the one with the guy stealing kekkei genkais because I haven't done that one yet I think. If ya'll wanna suggest any Shippuden Fillers to do, feel free to do so.

Answer: I like heroes turned villains AU, like evil!naruto or evil!izuku. I haven't found any good evil!izuku fanfictions though sadly. :'(

Question: If you could be a magical plant, what would you be called and what magical properties would you have?

Reviews are love!