"You what?"

She laughs and cries at the same time. "You cheated? No, Gahala." She shakes her head, as if convincing me or more like convincing herself. "Mahal na mahal mo ako. Hindi mo 'yon magagawa sa akin."

"I'm so sorry," I whispered. Wala na akong masabi pa bukod sa mga salitang 'yon.

I don't even know if I'm really sorry because if I am, then I would have stopped this a long time ago. Maybe I'm just sorry because she caught me, or maybe because I felt like I needed to tell her those words after what I'd done. However, I don't regret my actions. I only pity her.

"Putangina." Lumuluha siyang tumingin sa akin. "Sabi mo sa akin mahal na mahal mo ako...Anong nangyari? Bakit biglang ganito? Bakit sobrang dali naman? Does 4 years mean nothing to you?"

Hindi ko alam kung paano sasagutin iyon. Kaya hinayaan ko lang siyang sumbatan at pagmumurahin ako.

"Kailan mo pa ako ginagago?"

Napakagat ako ng labi, "Months ago. Hindi ko... sinasadyang mahulog sa kaniya."

"Ilan buwan mo na akong niloloko! Tangina. Matagal mo na akong pinalitan. " Halos hindi makahingang sambit niya. "Sobrang tagal mo na pala akong pinagmumukhang tanga! Bakit pinatagal mo pa ha?! Bakit hindi mo kaagad sinabi sa akin?!"

Napalunok ako at halos hindi makatingin sa kaniya, "Kasi...naawa ako sa 'yo."

Halos hindi siya makapaniwalang nagawa ko iyon sa kaniya. If I was the same Gahala she knew, hindi ko din maiisip na magagawa ko 'to sa kaniya. So I understand where she's coming from.

"It's done. " I whispered when the door closed.

It was followed by a deafening silence and I processed everything first before moving an inch. I didn't even bother to follow her. I don't want to give her any hope by doing so.

I examined the shattered mug on the floor. With a sigh, I carefully picked up and swept the fragments and tossed them in the trash can.

I looked around and massaged the side of my head when I saw what she prepared. Nilinis ko ang mga 'yon at tinapon ang mga hindi na kailangan.

"Heyy, what is it? You missed me already?" Salubong sa akin ni Yacey nang tawagan ko siya.

"We broke up."

Natahimik nang kaunti ang sa kabilang linya matapos kong sabihin iyon. "So..." pabutin niya. "I'm officially your girlfriend now, right? I can go now to your condo, right?" She excitedly asked.

I laughed, "Seriously, 'yon ang una mong tinanong? You should have comforted me or something. "

"Oh, shut up babe. You're not broken," she teasingly replied. I can even imagine her gesturing her hand.

"Harsh," I replied habang ngiting-ngiti. I sighed, "I miss you. "

She chuckled on the other side. I could hear happiness in that laugh. "Want me to go there now?" she suggested.

"Not now. Give me time to... clean up," I carefully told her about the things Amara left here. I need to erase her traces everywhere.

I put all of them in a box and sealed it. I don't know how to give it back. Wala akong mukhang ihaharap sa kaniya.

Yacey immediately went over when I told her it was already fine. Hindi sumagi sa isipan ko ang mga ginawa ko pagkatapos ng break-up. I was just enjoying my time with my girlfriend without even thinking that Amara might be crying in her room now, weeping and agonizing over us.

"Teka lang, baka 'yan na yung pagkaing inorder natin," paalam ko sa kaniya saka tumayo mula sa pagkakaupo sa sofa matapos marinig ang pagdoorbell.

Ngiti-ngiti kong binuksan ang pintuan pero unti-unti iyong nawala nang salubungin ako ng mukha ni Mama.

Namutla ako at pakiramdam ko binuhusan ako ng malamig na tubig. She still doesn't know what happened between me and Amara. Will she get angry? But she will understand, right?

"Ma," kinakabahang tawag ko sa kaniya.

"Oh? Bakit parang nakakita ka ng multo? Ayaw mo bang makita Mama mo?" Sama niya ng tingin sa akin at nilampasan ako para papasok.

I nervously followed her to the kitchen. I kept glancing at Yacey, who was engrossed with the movie on the sofa. She's only wearing my shirt, and she's been camping in my condo for how many days now.

"May mga pagkain akong dala. Nasaan si Amara?"

I licked my lower lip. "Uhh, she's not here," I hesitantly answered and looked at the food. Napalunok ako nang makitang puro paborito ni Amara yung dala niya.

"Baby, who's that?"

Sabay kaming napatingin ni Mama kay Yacey na bigla na lang sumulpot. Bad timing.

I watched Mama's confused face when Yacey hugged me around the waist. "Who?"

I don't know what to do or what should I say. I just stood there like an idiot since I don't have any idea how to introduce Yacey to my mother.

"Where's Amara? And why... why are you hugging my son? Get your hands away from him!" Sapilitang kinuha ni Mama yung kamay ni Yacey sa akin at bahagyang tinulak palayo. "Who are you?!"

"Ma..." I held her in her shoulders and gave her a gentle squeeze to stop her. Alanganing ngumiti ako kay Yacey dahil mukhang nagulat sa nangyari. I gulped and sighed deeply, " Ma, si Yacey, girlfriend ko. Yacey, si Mama. "

"Oh," Yacey blinked and immediately smiled. "I'm sorry for not greeting you earlier and for surprising you, Tita! Please excuse my bad behavior, I have no idea. Still, it's nice meeting you po," she apologized politely and extended her hand.

"What?… How... I mean, si Amara?" she asked in confusion. Mukhang litong-lito siya sa nangyayari.

Who wouldn't be? Months ago, si Amara pa ang girlfriend ko, at sa isang iglap, naging iba na.

"Uhh, it seems like Jammes hasn't informed you yet, Tita, but unfortunately po, they broke up." Yacey smiled a little after saying those words.

For a while, we were surrounded by silence, as if Mama was still processing everything. After that, she sighed deeply and looked at me.

"We need to talk, Gahala Jammes," she said calmly but firmly, na para bang binabalaan ako, before she headed to the balcony.

I smiled and kissed Yacey's forehead, "I'll just fix this," I told her before following my mother.

I saw her pacing back and forth. Ilang ulit na din siyang bumuntong-hininga. Napatigil lang siya nang makita ako, at kaagad siyang lumapit sa akin para higitin ako papalayo kung saan hindi kami maririnig ni Yacey.

"What's the meaning of that?!" Hindi makapaniwala niyang bulong. "Prinaprank niyo ba ako? Huling tawag ko sa inyo, okay pa kayo ni Amara! Tapos ngayon biglang break na kayo at may bago ka na?!"

I rubbed the bridge of my nose because I'm not sure how to explain everything to her in a way that she'll understand. "Ma... it just happened like that."

"What? Anong 'it just happened like that'? Paanong naging gano'n? Bakit bigla na lang kayong nag-break? Anong dahilan? At kahit nag-break kayo, hindi ba dapat magpapahinga ka muna bago makahanap ng iba? Bakit may bago na agad?" sunod-sunod na tanong niya at hindi ko alam kung ano ang uunahin kong sagutin.

"I just... I just messed up, okay? We ended our relationship because I screwed up. I didn't mean to fall in love with somebody while being in a relationship with her. I failed to restrain myself. I'm...  sorry."

I was hesitant at first, but I went ahead and told her everything in the hopes that she would understand me.

"What?" I could see disbelief and disappointment in her eyes. "Sabihin na nating hindi mo sinasadyang mahulog sa iba, pero sinadya mong lokohin siya!"

"I didn't mean to fool her. I was afraid... I'll hurt her, so I hid it," I explained.

"Hiding it didn't make it hurt less! You just made it worse! If you're afraid to hurt her, you shouldn't have done something that would hurt her in the first place! I can't believe you did that!"

"Ma," pagsusumamo ko at hahawakan sana ang kamay niya pero tinabig niya yung kamay ko.

" I raised you well, right?"

"Yes," I whispered.

"Pinaalalahanan kita," dugtong niya na parang pinapaalala sa akin ang lahat. "Pinagsabihan kita. Ginawa ko ang lahat para maging mabuti kang anak. Tell me, Gahala. Where did I go wrong? For you to end up like that? For you to hurt someone like that? What you did is so horrible."

Natahimik ako at para akong sinuntok sa dibdib nang makita ang mukha niyang nasasaktan.

"I did everything to ensure that you wouldn't end up like that bastard who ruined our lives and abandoned us. But I guess, you're really sharing the same blood. You're truly his son since you're no different from him," disappointed na sambit niya saka umalis.

"Ma," tawag ko sa kaniya. "Ma, teka lang. Hindi ko naman sinasadya," pakiusap ko, pero hindi niya na ako pinakinggan at dali-daling umalis matapos kunin ang kaniyang bag.

Napahilamos ako ng mukha pagkatapos niyang isarado ang pinto ng condo. Damn it.

Hindi na ako kinausap ni Mama pagkatapos doon. Ilang beses ko siyang tinawagan pero hindi niya ako sinasagot. Kahit sa bahay iniiwasan niya ako. My friends were avoiding me too.

Madami din yung nagulat na kakilala namin ng hindi na si Amara ang girlfriend ko. Madami yung nagtanong at madami yung hindi naniwala and some of them criticizing Yacey.

Lahat sila kampi kay Amara. Ako ba talaga ang may mali? Hindi ko lang napigilan ang sarili kong magkagusto sa iba.

"C'mon, make up already!" Yacey encouraged us. Pinakiusapan niya sina Yule at Theros na kausapin ako.

Naguguilty daw siya dahil pakiramdam niya kasalanan niya kung bakit nag-away kami. She's this nice, yet I don't know why they dislike her.

Yule stayed silent and looked away while Theros scratched his nape. They looked so uncomfortable with this setup and probably because nasa gilid kami ng sidewalk.

"C'mon," pamimilit ni Yacey. "Are you still angry at him?"

"It's fine," I whispered in Yacey's ear and encircled my arms around her waist to pull her closer.

Theros massaged the bridge of his nose before sighing. "Hindi kami galit. Disappointed lang kami dahil ang sama ng ginawa niya, and probably the way he acted like as if he’s a great guy but ended up being an asshole like the others." Theros muttered and nudged Yule, "Diba?"

"Huh? Ewan ko sa inyo." Sagot niya nang wala sa sarili. Then he tsked and frustratedly messed his hair, "Fine! Okay? Let's stop talking about this, all right? Ang awkward, bro. Cringe! Nakakatanggal ng angas."

Theros laughed in approval and I chuckled a little. Just like that, we're back to being friends again. No more drama.

"Okay na kayo?" Nakangiting tanong ni Yacey.

I nodded, "Yeah, thanks to you."

"But, I won't apologize for punching you. You deserve it," Theros patted my shoulders.

"I know," iling ko.

Nagkwentuhan pa kami ng kaunti. Nainterrupt lang kami nang may biglang huminto sa aming harapan. I can't hide my surprise after seeing Vien with aggrieved expression. The next thing I knew, I was being punched in the face so hard that I could taste blood mixed with my saliva.

I heard screams of surprise and gasps fill the surroundings. That punch was followed by another, at hinayaan ko lang kasi alam ko kung saan 'yon nanggagaling. I just didn't expect her to beat Yacey too, and she looked pleased with what she did.

I cocked my head to the side and unexpectedly met Amara's gaze. In that short span, she had lost weight. Her eyes were dull as if someone had died. I quickly averted my gaze and helped my girlfriend instead.

That was the last time I saw Amara after 3 months. Yacey and I had a wonderful time together in the following months. Everything seemed to be in its proper place. Masaya lang kami at walang away na nagaganap.

I remembered that ganito din kami ni Amara noon. I don't know what happened. Maybe it was the distance that caused us to grow apart? Siguro dahil nawalan kami ng oras kaya naging gano'n?

I shook my head para alisin iyon sa utak ko. It doesn't matter now. Nangyari na ang nangyari.

"Babe," I called Yacey and kissed her on the cheeks.

She hummed a 'hmm?' in response. She's busy baking cookies in my kitchen, which is the exact opposite of Amara.

"I was invited by a former classmate to their anniversary celebration. Do you want to come with me?"

She stopped what she was doing and turned to face me, bitterly asking, "Your ex will be there?"

"Jealous?" I teased. "That's why I'm asking you to come so you don't have to be concerned."

She pouted, "Sama. I wanted to know your friends and former classmates too. "

"Alright. Let's go together. I'll introduce you."

I had already predicted that the reunion would not be pleasant, and I was correct. It was a complete disaster. They despised me because of what I've done and they even dragged Yacey into it.

"Are you all right?" I murmured in Yacey's ear as we danced on the dancefloor. Hinila ko siya palayo sa couch namin kasi mukhang pinag-iinitan pa siya ng iba. "I'm sorry. Dapat hindi na tayo pumunta dito. Should we head home?"

"I'm fine," she said, smiling. "It's a waste to go home without having fun."

I nodded and watched her having a good time in the middle. I couldn't help but pull her close to me so that I could kiss her. If Amara were with me, it would be a struggle to get her to dance in the middle.

She grinned in the middle of kissing and wrapped her arms around my neck, intensifying the kiss. That kiss ended in a makeout session.

She pulled away and panted in my ear, "How about we go home now?" she suggested.

I chuckled. "Tara," ngising ani ko because I know how this day will end up. We were about to go out, but we were blocked by the doorway

"Gahala...mag-usap tayo." Pagmamakaawa ni Amara.

I pushed her away because I could tell she's drunk just by looking at her. "You're not your usual self, Amara. Maybe next time."

"Do I need to beg Gahala? " She asked painfully as she broke down in front of me. "Because I'll really do it. I'll do it kasi kahit anong gawin ko, ikaw pa rin. Putangina, ikaw pa din talaga."

Nagmakaawa siya ng oras para mag-usap kami, at hindi ko 'yon binigay sa kaniya. I just didn't expect her to kneel in front of me as if it were her last card. Pinatayo ko siya, but she refused.

She was raised in a place where she was taught never to fall down, so what the hell is she doing? Why would she kneel in front of a person who has caused her pain? Why would she stoop so low just for a guy who dumped and replaced her?

She lowered herself to this level for a guy who's not worthy of her love! Who's not even worthy of being knelt to!

"Pleasee, bumalik ka na." Pagmamakaawa niya.

She looked up at me with her face full of tears. "No?"

"I'm sorry," iyon lang ang mga salitang mahagilap ng mga labi ko.

I feel sorry that she ended up like this, and I feel sorry because I can't do her a favor. I don't want her anymore. I want to be at peace without her in my life.

My answer made her cry so hard in front of me. Her shoulders shook as if telling me how much my words hurt her.

"Do you know how much you hurt me?" She asked me and stand up. Anger is seeping through her face. "I love you so bad to the point that I needed to beg God every day so I can forget you! You told me I was enough, but you made me feel like I wasn’t! You tore me apart and ripped my heart to shreds!

"You made me fucking fall in love with you and left me in the process! Tangina. Napakadaya mo! I broke everything for you! I disobeyed my parents! Ayokong isumbat sa 'yo pero puta naman o! Kung hindi mo naman pala sana ako papanindigan, sana hindi mo na lang ako nilapitan!"

Hinayaan ko lang siya at nakinig sa mga panunumbat niya. I glanced at Yacey when she squeezed my hand.

"You were the one who came into my life first, but I'm the one stuck on you! Do I deserve this?!" She stopped to catch her breath, but her eyes watered again while looking at me, as if a glimpse of me was enough to cut her into pieces.

"Hindi ko naman sinadyang mahalin ka eh, pero nahulog na ako ng sobra. Hindi ko naman ginustong magkaganito. Ang sakit sakit na kasi. " She wiped her tears so she could see me clearly.

She gulped and looked at me with a mixture of painful and brave expressions, "I stayed even when you changed. So make me understand, Gahala. Bakit biglang hindi na ako? Just please, tell me why. Because if you don't, I... I don't have a choice but to hate everything about myself."

Bakit biglang hindi na siya?

Hindi ko rin alam.

Hindi ko napansin kung kailan nagsimulang magbago ang lahat. Basta isang araw, hindi na siya ang laman ng isip ko. Nagising na lang akong hindi ko na maramdamang sapat siya para sa akin. Isang araw, tumingin ako sa kaniya at pakiramdam ko ibang tao na yung kaharap ko. My heart just stopped beating for her and started beating for someone else.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin o ipapaintindi iyon sa kaniya.

I'm also confused about how love could die in just one night. Na kaya mong mahalin sila ng sobra sobra ngayon at magigising ka na lang na wala na ang pagmamahal na iyon. Was love supposed to disappear in an instant?

"Paano nga tayo unang nagkita?"

Napaisip ako sa tinanong niya. She called me out to talk one last time. She wanted to settle things with me.

"I saw you first at a camping trip. Unang tingin ko pa lang, nagandahan na ako sa 'yo. Sabi ko sa sarili ko,'Shit. Ang sungit tingnan. Parang kayang sirain buhay ko.'" I joked and we both laughed.

Parang sobrang tagal na ng huli kaming tumawa ng ganito.

Talking about this takes me back to the first time I saw her. My heart had nearly forgotten, but the memory suddenly resurfaced.

"I really liked you that day," I told her sincerely. "I... made a move on you. I flirted with you. I did everything I could to get your attention and make you like me back. I was there through the ups and downs. I pushed you to step out of your comfort zone. I did everything to put a smile on your face. Until... you let me court you. I was over the moon at that time. I told myself, ‘Ikaw na talaga. Sigurado na ako sa babaeng ‘to.’"

Yes. That was the time when I was so madly in love with her, so I can’t blame her for wondering where everything went wrong.

Tama nga naman. Thinking about it, ano nga ba ang nangyari at bigla kaming naging ganito? Mahal na mahal ko siya, kaya bakit bigla akong nagkagusto sa iba?

"Do you love her that much? Mas sobra pa sa pagmamahal mo sa akin na nagawa mo akong lokohin para sa kaniya?"

"Maybe. Because if I don't, then siguro hindi ko nagawa 'yon."

Siguro nga gano'n. Nagawa ko siyang saktan at umabot kami sa ganito dahil humigit ang pagmamahal ko kay Yacey kaysa sa kaniya.

"I remembered you every time I talked to her. I felt so guilty. I told myself that you didn’t deserve this. I swear I tried to stop myself from falling for her. I did everything to avoid it. I tried to love you again and reminded myself why I fell for you, pero hindi ko pa din napigilan ang sarili ko. Alam kong masasaktan kita pero nahulog pa din ako sa kaniya. Sorry." Alam ko sa sarili ko that I tried to prevent it from happening.

"It’s fine. It wasn’t your fault for liking her. I don’t want to blame you for feeling something that’s beyond your control."

Despite everyone blaming me for loving someone else, she’s still the one who understands me the best, even after I’ve hurt her. Naiintindihan niyang hindi ko kontrolado ang sarili kong emosyon. Na wala akong magagawa to stop myself from falling for someone.

"Make my pain worth it, okay? Be happy with her."

How can she be like that? Wishing for my happiness even though I ruined hers and caused her sadness.

Will she still wish for my happiness if she ever finds out na sinadya ko siyang saktan? Na sinadya kong ilang beses magsinungaling sa kaniya at hiniling ko na sana maghiwalay kami?

"Gahala." She called faintly.

"Hmm?"

"Naalala mo? Dito ko sinabi sa 'yong masaya ako sa 'yo. Ngayon naman, masaya ako para sa 'yo. I'm happy for you from the bottom of the broken pieces of my heart. "

I was taken aback when I saw how she forced herself to smile, even though it was obviously fake. My heart ached. Her face looked so pitiful.

I locked my gaze on her as she walked away. She tried to hide it, but the shaking of her shoulders let me know that she was weeping.

Her soft cries mingled with the sounds of the wind and the gentle crashes of the waves. The sound of her footsteps was so faint, like they were bidding me goodbye.

I’m at a loss for what to do. I just stood there, like an idiot, watching her leave until I couldn't see her silhouette anymore.

She seemed strangely beautiful,... walking alone in the dark under the crescent moon.

Maybe my mind still can't process everything, which is why I'm feeling melancholic. I’m still trying to understand what just happened. Perhaps that’s why I feel empty, as if something was taken away from me. Wala naman akong naramdamang ganito when we broke up.

My life continued as if nothing had happened. Pero paminsan-minsan, napapatigil ako sa ginagawa ko at hindi mapigilang isipin ang gabing iyon.

Pakiramdam ko may nakaligtaan akong importanteng bagay, pero hindi ko maisip kung ano. Ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko na parang may malaking bato na nakadagan sa aking dibdib. Hindi ako makahinga ng maayos.

"What are you doing?"

Nabalik ako sa realidad at napatingin kay Yacey. I smiled a little and shook my head, telling her that it’s nothing.

I sighed deeply. It’s just that... parang may kulang. I’m confused. These days, my thoughts are constantly drawn back to Amara. My mind is filled with her, and she never leaves. I can’t forget the sad expression on her face the very last time I saw her.

Para akong nababaliw. Siguro kaya ako nagkakaganito is because I'm feeling guilty about what happened.

"Babe, are you okay?"

Napatingin ako kay Yacey nang bigla niyang alugin ang balikat ko. Her brows were furrowed, and she was looking at me with confusion.

"You're acting weird these days, you know? Is something bothering you?"

Pasimple kong inalis ang kamay niya sa akin, "It was nothing, love. Kulang lang siguro ako sa tulog. "

"And that's one too. Are you sure you don't have a problem? Why are you staying up all night?"

"I can't sleep," I said as I watch her do her things in the kitchen.

Looking at Yacey... is a little painful. Hindi ko alam pero sa tuwing tumitingin ako sa kaniya ngayon, I keep remembering Amara. Lagi akong napapaisip na, 'Ah, I hurt her.'

"Insomnia? You should really start drinking less coffee."

"I stopped," I whispered. I sighed and massaged the bridge of my nose.

Drinking coffee reminds me of how chocolatey her eyes were.

"Is your head hurting? Let me massage it," she suggested. Before I could think, tinabig na ng kamay ko ang kamay niyang papahawak sana sa akin.

Natigilan siya sa ginawa ko at gano'n din ako.

"Sorry," hingi ko kaagad ng tawad kahit malabo pa ang takbo ng utak ko. "It’s just that..." Napahilamos ako ng mukha.

What am I thinking? I suddenly felt déjà vu.

"It’s fine. You should rest," she said with a small smile and kissed me on the cheek, not really minding my behavior.

I did not know what was happening to me. I couldn’t help but suddenly notice everything. Her most listened song when it played in my car, her favorite food being served across the table when I was eating out, and the places she loved to visit when I drove around our town.

Suddenly, I started seeing fragments of her everywhere, even in the streets she had never set foot on. Sometimes, I heard her voice in the crowd, and my body automatically turned to see where she was. My system recognized her, seeking her... in every possible place. Namimiss ko ba siya?

Siguro nga namimiss ko siya. I couldn’t help but be frustrated. Why am I feeling this way? Why now? When everything’s already too late.

Hindi ko mapigilang mapahilamos ng mukha, feeling puzzled and troubled. I sighed deeply at biglang napansin ang box sa gilid ng kwarto ko.

My heart thumped as I walked closer to it. I tore off its seal and opened it. It felt like everything came rushing back the moment I saw what was inside.

I gulped when I finally caught a whiff of her scent, as if it had been trapped inside the box for so long. My heart tugged as I scanned the things she had left behind. Her clothes, our pictures, the gifts I gave her... and her books.

Nanghihina akong napaupo sa sahig habang hawak-hawak ang paborito niyang libro. I unconsciously moved my hand to embrace it.

"You know, nakita ko kanina si Ryder pero I didn't expect him to be with Ruth. Hula ko lang 'to pero pakiramdam ko sinusuyo niya."

I turned around to the corner when I heard someone talking. I saw a young version of myself sitting next to a familiar girl. We were sitting on the floor, leaning against the bed.

She's reading the same book I'm holding right now while I'm babbling about random things that happened to me that day. I stopped and stared at her, not because she was not responding, but because I tried to suppress my smiles, knowing she was listening. It's been nearly an hour, but she was still on the same page.

That memory alone is enough to make it hard for me to breathe. Para akong nasusuffocate and my head is pounding like crazy. Na para bang bigla akong nakaalala matapos maamnesia.

I couldn't stop a puffing sound from coming out of my mouth, followed by a chuckle. Those chuckles turned into a laugh as if I were insane. I bit my lower lip as I felt my eyes watering. It's stupid to feel regret now that I know I can't undo everything I've done to her.

Tama nga yung sinasabi nila. People are foolish. They do not know the value of what they have until they lose it. I only realized this when the mere thought of her brought tears to my eyes.

Hindi ko alam. Pinaglalaruan ata ako ng tadhana. Kung kaya palang mawala ng pag-ibig sa isang pagpikit ng mata, kaya din pala nitong bumalik sa isang pagmulat lamang.

"Ma," Nanlalaki ang mata at medyo hindi makapaniwalang kumurap ako nang biglang umupo si Mama sa kaharap na upuan ko.

Napatingin siya sa mesa saka napabuntong-hininga. "Sumisikat pa yung araw pero umiinom ka na. "

"Are you still angry with me?" It’s more than a month since hindi niya ako pinapansin. It's a miracle that she's talking to me now.

"Not anymore," sabi niya na parang wala siyang nagagawa dahil marupok siya pagdating sa anak niya. "How can I stay mad at you for so long?"

I smiled a little and poured some alcohol into my glass before drinking it. Napadaukdok sa mesa kasi pakiramdam ko maiiyak ako dahil sa alak.

"Magalit ka ulit sa akin, Ma. Huwag mo ulit akong kausapin. I could feel that I'll do something horrible again."

I went home to escape from suffocation and everything. Gusto kong mag-isip ng maayos ng hindi naaalala si Amara o nakikita si Yacey.

"May nangyari ba?"

Napatingin ako kay Mama. Alam ko sa lahat ng tao, siya lang ang makikinig sa akin kahit galit man siya.

"Ma...mahal ko pa siya. " Napalunok ako kasi ramdam na ramdam ko ang pamamasa ng aking mata sa sunod-sunod na emosyong naramdaman ko pagkatapos kong sambitin ang mga salitang 'yon. " Tangina. Mahal ko pa pala."

Natahimik siya saglit pero alam kong naiintindihan niya ang mga sinabi ko. "Nak, alam mo ba 'yang pinagsasabi mo?"

"Nalilito na din ako Ma," iling ko. "Noong nakaraan lang, halos ipagtulakan ko paalis si Amara sa buhay ko kasi mahal ko si Yacey. Pero noong tuluyang nawala sa akin si Amara, doon ko nakita ang halaga. Ang gago ko, 'no?" Mapait na ngiti ko.

"I'm a bastard who doesn't know who I want. A fucking confused asshole. Alam mo ba, Ma, kung anong iniisip ko ngayon? Gusto ko na namang iwan si Yacey para bumalik kay Amara." Natatawang sambit ko saka pinahiran ang aking luha. Ang kapal din ng mukha kong umiyak. I don't have the right.

"Natatakot ako sa gagawin at desisyong pipiliin ko. Gusto kong bumalik pero alam kong may masasaktan ako. Alam ko ding magagalit sa akin si Amara kapag ginawa ko 'yon pag nagkataon kaya malabo ding balikan ako. Baka hindi na ako no'n kitain. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin."

"Nak, hindi laruan ang mga babae na kung ayaw mo na, basta mo na lang itatapon tapos pupulutin ulit kung kailan mo ulit gusto. Huwag gano'n," pangaral niya na para bang gusto niyang itatak iyon sa kokote ko.

"Anong gagawin ko, Ma? Gustong-gusto ko kasing lumiko ulit ng daan ngayon."

"Gahala...panindigan mo 'yang ginawa mo." Kumbinsi niya sa akin. Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at pinisil iyon. "Manatili ka kung nasaan ka man ngayon dahil iyon ang pinili mo. At kung hindi mo talaga siya mahal, maging totoo ka sa kaniya. Sabihin mo. Huwag kang magsinungaling ulit kasi mas masasaktan mo siya."

"Paano si Amara?"

"At si Amara," Napabuntong-hininga siya. "Huwag mo na siyang guluhin. Hayaan mong maghilom siya sa sugat na dinulot mo. Hayaan mo siyang kalimutan ka at magmahal ng iba." Dugtong niya pa.

"Pero Ma," my shoulders shook as I cried. I tried to wipe my tears and drank alcohol. I could feel the bitter taste going down to my stomach. "Ang hirap. Ang sakit. Hindi ko kayang isiping makakalimutan niya na ako, na magmamahal siya ng iba."

"Pero pinili mong mangyari 'to, hindi ba? The moment you pushed her away, you should've seen that coming. Hindi habang buhay sa iyo iikot ang mundo niya. Wala kang karapatang masaktan habang iniisip mong magmamahal ulit siya ng iba dahil siya, nakita niya mismo ng sarili niyang mga mata na nagmahal ka ng iba. Don't be selfish. Huwag lang puro sarili mo ang isipin mo. Let her have the healing she deserves. Naiintindihan mo?"

After thinking through it, tama naman si Mama. Tamang tigilan ko na si Amara. So I let her live without my presence.

I kept telling myself that this is for the best, but there are moments when I miss her so much that it’s driving me nuts. The only thing that’s keeping me sane is going through our old messages, pictures, and everything that’s left. And when I try to stop, I can’t handle the emptiness.

Iniisip ko pa lang na kakalimutan niya na ako, gusto ko nang tumakbo palapit sa kaniya para ipaalala ang buong pagkatao ko.

Pero sa tuwing patakbo ako pabalik sa kaniya, naaalala ko ang mukha niyang nakatingin sa akin na puno ng luha, ang mata niyang puno ng sakit. Napapahinto ako pagkatapos at napapanghinaan ng loob. Tangina. Sasaktan ko na naman siya.

I looked at the night sky and sighed deeply. I raised my hand to cover my eyes when I felt myself tearing up. "I wanted to hear your voice," I whispered to no one out of desperation as I felt my tears flowing down the side of my eyes.

Isn't it strange? I wanted you to be happy but at the same time, I was praying every night that you would not forget me. That even if it hurts, you'll continue loving me.

Ganito ba 'yong naramdaman mo noong nagsimula akong magbago? Or is it worse? How did you manage to endure this? A single thought of you is killing me. How much worse did you suffer?

Months passed by like the wind. At pakiramdam ko, nababaliw na ako kasi hindi ko siya mahanap kahit saan.

The thought of her really getting over us is scaring me. I can feel my own desperation to have a glimpse of her again... even just a moment.

I closed my wallet and placed it back in my pocket when I heard some footsteps coming closer. Yacey looked at me suspiciously as she noticed me getting flustered after seeing her.

"Gahala, may problema ba tayo?" she suddenly asked, and I could her suspicion in her voice.

"Wala naman. Why? Did my actions make you think that we are fighting?" I asked, pero hindi niya iyon pinansin.

"May iba ka ba?" Tanong niya na nagpatigil sa akin ng kaunti.

Napatitig ako sa kaniya. "Love, wala." I told her sincerely at nilapitan ko siya. "What made you think that, hmm?" dugtong ko as I tried to hold her hand.

Tinabig niya ang kamay ko. "Because you're always looking at your phone! When I tried to open it, hindi ko mabuksan because it required a password! When did you ever put one?! You've never done anything like that before! What's keeping you so occupied, huh? What's the matter with you? You're getting cold!"

I'm surprised by her sudden outburst. But, I tried to compose myself and shook my head. "Love, it's just in your head. Wala akong iba, okay? I'm sorry if I made you feel like that."

"No, it's not just in my head! I saw those moves already! Alam ko ang mga galawang ganiyan kasi nagawa mo 'yon noon kay Amara!"

Natahimik ako and I felt myself become so triggered by just hearing her name. "She's out of this topic. Why are you bringing her up?" I hope my voice does not sound annoyed.

"I'm sorry, okay!" She said frustratedly. "I just... I just don't feel at ease. I feel so anxious." Nahihirapang explain niya.

My heart throbbed when she said those things. I suddenly saw Amara in her, crying in front of me, begging for assurance that I never gave.

Now I understand why Amara's behavior was like this back then too. She wasn't toxic. She's only reflecting on how I treated her. I made her like that.

I gulped and pulled her closer to me. I hugged her tightly and kissed her forehead. "I'm sorry for making you feel that way. For making those words come out of your mouth and for making you feel anxious. I'm sorry, love. Don't cry." I whispered in her ears the words I was supposed to tell Amara back then.

"Any problem bro?"

From deep in thought, I gazed at Okin when he suddenly nudged me. I just wanted to let off some steam, so I called him over. He poured a drink for me and I gladly accepted it.

"Wala naman. Nagkaroon lang kami ng kaunting away ng girlfriend ko," sagot ko saka uminom sa baso.

"You're thinking about how to make her feel better?"

"That's the problem, I'm not thinking about her," I sighed.

"If not her, then ano?" his brow furrowed, gustong makichismis. Nilapag niya ang bote matapos malagyan ang shot glass niya.

"Just... someone."

"Sino? Your TOTGA?" He teased and I immediately looked at him. "What the fuck? I'm right?" He exclaimed in awe.

I shook my head in irony and didn't say anything.

"Well...this is interesting. " He hesitantly muttered. "So.. you're saying that you're still not over her?"

I didn't respond kasi ayaw kong sagutin pero mukhang alam niya naman based on my silence.

"Well, I'm not really that surprised. I mean, your breakup was really a bomb, you know? You've been chasing her ever since I can't remember, and then you just what? Fall in love with someone else? It was kinda, I don't know," he shrugged, "kinda unbelievable. Akala ko nga prank lang e. Pero ang gago mo, bro. Niloko mo tapos ngayon niloloko mo na din pinalit mo?" Ani niya sa hindi makapaniwalang boses. "Then that means you don't love Yacey anymore?"

Napalagok ulit ako. "Hindi ko alam kung minahal ko ba talaga siya," bulong ko. Siguro nagustuhan ko lang ang atensyong binibigay at ang paghabol-habol niya sa akin gaya ng paghabol ko noon kay Amara. It made me feel special.

"So you're planning to break up with her? I mean, that's the right thing to do in your situation right now, hindi ba? Sasaktan mo lang din siya kapag nanatili ka sa relasyon niyo."

Napailing ako. "I don't really know what to do. Pinili ko ang sitwasyong 'to, so I'm trying to be accountable by staying with her. Para naman lahat ng pinagdaanan ni Amara, lahat ng sakit, pagtitiis, at pagpapalaya, will not be in vain. " Parang parusa na rin sa sarili ko. "Plus, I promised Amara that... I would treat Yacey better than I did with her."

But am I really treating her better? When my thoughts and heart keep seeking another girl?

"And do you think not breaking up with her is the way to treat her better?" balik ni Okin. Napailing siya nang matahimik ako. "Ang labo mo, bro." He poured another glass and let me have time to think.

"Do you wanna hear some news about her?" Napalingon ulit ako sa kaniya nang marinig ang sinabi niya. Hindi nakaligtas sa akin ang tinago niyang nakakaasar na ngiti! "Seems like someone's suffering because he can't hear a single thing."

I frowned at him and just raised my middle finger in response. Natahimik kami ng ilang minuto at halos hindi ako mapakali. Parang gusto ko na lang magmakaawang magkwento siya pero alam kong sinasadya niya ang pananahimik. This motherfucker is enjoying my misery.

He laughed a little when I glared at him. "Fine. I saw her a few times. Kasama si Dolly."

Napantig ang tenga ko doon at napatango, urging him to say more. My heart was thumping for some reason. I'm longing for any news about her.

"Nirereto din ni Azul sa ibang lalaki," ngisi niya pa. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang pag-init ng aking dibdib sa narinig. "She looks like she's moving on."

"Fuck it," mura ko saka nilapag ang baso ng malakas.

He just laughed. "I thought you wanted to hear something about her?!"

"If it's about that, then shut your mouth."

"Ayaw mo bang malaman kung sino yung nireto? Kakausapin lang natin, c'mon." He playfully nudged me with a wicked grin pero hindi ko na siya pinansin.

Uminom lang ako habang iniisip ang nabalitaan. Hindi ko alam kung magiging masaya ako doon para sa kaniya o hindi.

Pero sino ba ang niloloko ko? I can't feel anything right now aside from a sharp pain in my chest. I'm not happy at all.

"How about you moving on?" I asked him instead, trying to divert my attention to something else. His break up with Miera is controversial too.

"I don't know," he shrugged. "I'm not thinking about it."

This is unusual. He seems at ease when discussing this subject. "Why?"

He smiled genuinely, which made me raise my brows. His face looked like a lovesick fool. Alam ko kasi minsan ko nang nakita ang nakakadiring expression sa mukha niya. "Someone's occupying my mind these days."

Napatingin ako sa kaniya, thinking who it might be. I squinted my eyes at him, "Don't tell me it's Dolly?"

He just laughed and chose not to answer. It only means one thing. It's a yes.

I cursed him. "Gago ka. Akala ko landi-landi lang? Bakit parang nagkakaseryosohan na yan?"

Hindi ko alam kung kanino ako maawa. Kay Okin ba dahil never nagseryoso si Dolly, o kay Dolly ba dahil hindi pa totally nakamove on si Okin sa ex niya.

He just shrugged again and licked his lower lip before smiling a little. "I don't know but she's really, really pretty. Her beauty always left me... wonderstruck."

I winced and playfully punched him in the arm. "What the hell, dude? You already sound so deeply attached. Just don't break her, though."

"Why?"

"Someone's gonna punch you," I chuckled, remembering how Vien crushed my face. I can still feel the pain every time I think of it.

He laughed too. "Sure, I'll take note of that."

Natahimik kami ulit saka nanuod lang ng sumasayaw sa dancefloor habang umiinom. Minutes passed before he talked again.

"She failed the sem."

I stopped drinking and turned to him, asking what the hell he was saying.

He met my eyes. "Amara. She failed the sem last school year. Did you know?"

Natigilan ako saglit. And in that short span, I felt hundreds of knives stabbing me. I looked away and gripped my glass tightly.

She failed? Ni minsan, hindi ko naiisip na mangyayari 'yon sa kaniya.

"Tangina," bulong ko saka unti-unting natawa kahit wala namang nakakatawa. I cursed myself and punched my chest when I felt something gripping it tightly.

For sure, it's all because of me. I became the reason for her downfall.

You know what, Amara?

I went back to the sea where we spent most of our time together. Everything is the same, but it feels different in some ways. Everywhere I look seems lifeless and empty. I feel... lonely.

Maybe the world I saw only looked colorful and beautiful... because you were beside me.

After what happened between us, you seemed to lose your way, like a wave drifting without direction. You traveled to far places in search of your former home before you found me, places I couldn't see or reach because I wasn't a part of them. You wandered to distant lands where you lost sight of the shore.

And here I am, wondering if the waves will ever return.

But I can understand if the waves found solace in sailing away. Since the waves looked more beautiful wandering on the horizon than settling down on the shore.