"Kilala mo 'yon pre?"

"Sino?" takang tanong ko kay Theros matapos itago ang cellphone ko.

We're waiting for our professor for our next subject. Kahit si Yule, napatingin din sa kaniya na may nagtatanong na mata. Seatmate ko sila, and we vibe, so yeah, friends.

"Yung Yacey," tukoy niya.

"Malamang kaklase natin?" patanong na sagot sa kaniya ni Yule.

"Iba kasi yung pansinan nila, pre. Parang magkakilala na dati pa. " Theros explained sa tonong 'ang bobo mo'.

"Schoolmate ko noong highschool," awat na sagot ko sa kanila kasi nag-uumpisa na naman silang magbangayan.

I also didn't expect or even think of seeing Yacey here. I can't even remember the last time I saw her.

"Mukhang gusto ka pre," Theros whispered in a teasing manner, like it was some sort of secret.

My brows furrowed, and I raised one afterward, silently asking him what nonsense he was spouting.

"Kanina pa kasi tingin nang tingin sa 'yo," he added teasingly saka ako pabirong sinundot sa tagiliran. Mukha siyang tanga.

I winced and slapped his hands away. "Tarantado, pinagsasabi mo?"

"Tingnan mo kaya," ani niya sa akin saka may tinuro gamit ang kaniyang labi. Pasimple tuloy akong lumingon doon. Gano'n din ang ginawa ni Yule na nakikichismis.

I got awkward after seeing Yacey really looking in our direction. When our eyes met, she smiled a little but a genuine one. I hesitantly smiled back and looked away with brows furrowed. Akala ko nagbibiro at nangtritrip lang si Theros, but still, I don't want to put any meaning behind it.

I shook my head, "Sa akin ba nakatingin? Malay mo isa sa inyo yung tinitingnan."

"I don't care. I have a girlfriend, so stop it." I told them to end their teasing. If Amara ever hears it... I don't even want to imagine it.

"Huh?! You have?!" Halos sabay nilang tanong, kaya medyo napatingin sa amin ang iba.

I grinned proudly, "Yeah. Wala kayo nun, 'no? Pasensiya na, hindi niyo 'yon kaya."

Theros whistled while on the other side, Yule displayed his middle finger and mumbled, "Yabang." I just snickered at them as my answer.

Our conversation stopped when our professor came in. Soon after, naramdaman kong nawala din ang kanina pang mga matang nakatingin sa amin na wari'y nanunuod.

As the days passed, nagets ko yung sinabi ng mga kaibigan ko na gusto daw ako ni Yacey. Mararamdaman at makikita mo naman 'yon sa tao, e. As someone na may mahal at minamahal, I could see what she's trying to do. Yung paglapit-lapit niya, yung pagpapansin niya para makuha yung atensyon ko, yung mga titig niya na tumatagal, at ang pag-iiba ng mood niya kapag nag-uusap kami. I can't help but feel uncomfortable.

"Hi."

Napatigil kami sa pag-uusap ng mga kaibigan ko nang may biglang tumigil sa gilid ng mesa namin. Siniko ako ni Yule sa tagiliran nang makitang si Yacey iyon.

"Yeah?" I hesitantly asked since she was only looking in my direction. She didn't even bother to glance at my friends.

"Can I sit?" she asked, pointing to the chair beside me with her lips, which were painted with red lipstick.

I looked around the cafeteria and noticed it wasn't full yet. There were plenty of other empty seats. I gazed at her again and reluctantly answered, "May vacant pa namang iba." Lowkey refusing her.

"I want this one," she answered stubbornly.

I was about to reject her, but she silenced me by sitting down without waiting for my answer. She even greeted my friends, who awkwardly greeted her back.

She faced me after that with a smile. "Nag-order ka na ba ng lunch? Gusto mo sabay na tayo?"

The space between my brows wrinkled. Here she is again. "No thanks. I can order on my own." Take a hint, woman.

"So you haven't? Let's go," she replied, ignoring what I said.

Natahimik kami saglit. Nakatingin lang ako sa kaniya, nag-iisip kung ano ang gagawin ko. "Do you like me?" I couldn't help but ask bluntly.

My question made her stop and caught her off guard for a moment. The answer was already obvious, but I still wanted to ask her to confirm it so I could reject her all at once. Hindi na ako natutuwa sa mga pagpapansing ginagawa niya, and I don't want her to think she has a slim hope with me because that will never happen.

Napasipol si Theros sa tinanong ko, at kunwaring nagbabasa si Yule ng menu nang sulyap ko, kunwaring binibigyan kami ng privacy kahit alam kong nakikinig naman sila.

"Well, you noticed?" she giggled shyly, which slightly irritated me because she was acting like it was all easy.

"I have a girlfriend." I shattered her heart with those four words. Unti-unting nawala ang ngiti niya dahil doon.

"I know," she mumbled bitterly.

"You already knew," I sternly repeated. "So why do you keep doing these desperate things?"

Natahimik siya nang kaunti sa sinabi ko at mukhang nasaktan. Napuno kaagad ng pagkailang ang paligid namin. My friends faked a cough and sipped from their glasses. Kung saan-saan na din bumabaling ang tingin nila at parang gustong umalis.

I'm aware I was harsh, pero naiinis kasi ako.
Alam niya naman palang in relationship ako, but she kept on bothering me. So ano 'yon, harap-harapang pangbabastos sa girlfriend ko? Sino ang matutuwa doon? Her behavior somehow disgusts me.

"So what if you have one?" she bravely asked, and my mouth gaped slightly in surprise. Napasinghap din ang mga kaibigan ko sa narinig.

"What?"

"Ano naman ngayong kung may girlfriend ka? Is it forbidden for me to like you?" Talagang inulit niya pa ang tanong! She stood up after getting her bag without even waiting for me to respond. "Anyway, you never know what will happen in the future. Malay mo, magustuhan mo din ako." She smiled and excused herself. "Well then, I'll talk to you next time!" That was the last thing she said before sprinting over to her friends' table.

I have no idea what just happened. Or, to put it another way, I wasn't expecting what happened. I thought she'd stop after hearing such words from me, but I was mistaken. She didn't stop there. She continued bothering me to the point of annoyance. She's too persistent. Ang laki niyang sakit sa ulo!

I can't count how many times I've turned her down now, yet she keeps following me parang buntot ng aso! I despise it whenever she smiles at me as if she expects something in return, kasi wala namang mangyayari sa aming dalawa. Paano ko ba isasampal sa kaniya ang katotohanang 'yon?

What I hate even more ay yung panunukso sa amin ng mga kaklase at enjoy na enjoy pa siya doon. Habang ako, hindi ko mapigilang maguilty habang iniisip si Amara. I felt like I'm cheating on her.

Hindi alam ni Amara ang lahat ng 'yon, but I didn't mean to lie to her. Yacey's not important enough for us to discuss at ang babaw niyang rason para pag-awayan. To be honest, nakakalimutan ko nga siya kapag magkasama na kami ni Amara. It feels like I'm just revolving around her, and no one else matters anymore.

"Never mo nagustuhan si Yacey, pre?"

"What?" irita kong tanong kay Herold na nasa harapan ko. Puro na lang kasi Yacey, Yacey, Yacey. Nakakarinding marinig ang pangalan niya.

I was reviewing for our next subject when he came up to me and started pestering me. I don't like him at all because of the fraternity he's in and the fact that he takes shortcuts to make his life easier. He acts as if we're so close, and it just pisses me off.

"I mean, maganda," he said, pulling a stick of cigarette out of his pocket but not lighting it, pinaglalaruan niya lang. "Bakit hindi mo, pre, patulan? Kung ako sa 'yo, hindi ko siya papalampasin!" Ngisi niga. "Pagkain na mismo ang lumalapit sa manok o!"

I sighed, trying to hold it in bago siya balingan. It's bold of him to compare me to a rooster, kahit siya naman yung mukhang manok. "How many times have I already told you? I'm not interested in her."

Maganda na 'yon? Just wait till you meet my girlfriend. On the other hand, your eyes don't deserve even a peek of her.

"Bakit? Dahil sa girlfriend mo? Sinong lalaki ngayon ang loyal sa girlfriend nila? C'mon, dude! Hindi na 'yan uso! Ang old-fashioned mo!" He laughed so hard.

I felt something snap after hearing it, and I think it was my patience. He dared to insult my girlfriend in front of me. Ang tibay niya din.

"Pwede ba manahimik ka?" Hindi ko mapigilang patulan siya kaya napatigil siya. "Hindi ko alam kung maiintindihan 'to ng nabubulok mong utak, pero hindi ko siya tinanggihan dahil may girlfriend ako. Tinanggihan ko siya dahil kahit wala akong girlfriend, she wouldn’t stand a chance. Do you understand what I’m saying, fucker?"

He stared at me like na parang hinahamon ako. Pinatulan ko ang titig niya hanggang sa itago niya ang stick na ng sigarilyong kaniyang hawak sa kaniyang bulsa at tumayo na parang badtrip.

He even kicked the leg of the chair in front of him as if throwing a tantrum. It didn’t make me flinch, but it did draw the attention of some of our classmates who were busy reviewing. Their faces asked if something was wrong.

"Tsk, boring mo dude," lait niya bago umalis sa harapan ko.

"She's hitting on you? Bakit hindi mo sinabi?"

Talagang napag-awayan pa namin ni Amara. I was trying my best to keep my distance from Yacey dahil ayoko ng gulo sa pagitan namin ng girlfriend ko. I didn't want her to get the wrong idea or even worry about it. Pero hindi ko alam kung saan pinaglihi si Yacey dahil lapit pa din siya nang lapit kahit anong tulak ko. Ramdam na ramdam ko na ngang malapit nang maputol ang pisi ng pasensya ko sa kaniya.

"Tangina. Ano bang problema mo?!" I couldn’t stop myself from cursing as I stood up in shock because of what she did.

Everyone in the food court fell silent after hearing my voice roar. Their heads turned in our direction to see what was happening.

I was fuming and  I couldn’t stop glaring at Yacey, who was sitting next to me again after niyang ipagsiksikan ulit ang sarili niya!

"Gago, pre, kumalma ka," Yule whispered and tried to make me sit again, but I slapped his hand, making him hiss.

"Ano bang nangyari?" Theros calmly asked, standing and placing his hands on my shoulders, inaawat ako.

"Fucking ask her!" I answered, pissed. I could even feel my blood boiling and my mind starting to ache from irritation. My hand was clenched, and I was forcing myself not to punch her by reminding myself that she's a girl and it would be assault if I did.

"I...I didn’t really mean it, okay?" Yacey nervously said. She looked scared after seeing me angry.

"You didn’t mean it?!" I mocked sarcastically.

"Okay, fine! I was just joking. Don’t take it seriously!" she reluctantly added.

It pissed me off even more. Don’t take it seriously?! Eh paano kung patulan ko siya ngayon dahil napupuno na ako sa kaniya at sabihin kong ding 'Don't take it seriously?!'

"You're just joking?!" Hindi makapaniwalang tanong ko. "I have a lover and I'm fucking off limits! Ilang ulit ko bang ipapaintindi sa 'yo 'yan ha?! Ganiyan ka ba kadesperada? Putangina, kadiri ka!"

"Woah bro, chill lang," ani ni Yule na inaawat na ako dahil sa eskandalong ginagawa ko.

Hindi ako nakaramdam ng kahit katiting na awa nang makita siyang nasaktan. Hindi ko na talaga siya matansya. The fuck. She's willing to do such things just to get noticed.

"Pwede bang layuan mo ako?" harsh na tanong ko kay Yacey habang tinitingnan siya ng mariin. "Kahit anong gawin mo, kahit anong tapon mo ng sarili mo sa akin, hinding-hindi ako magiging interesado sa 'yo. You look so pitiful for trying so hard."

Alam kong naririnig kami ng ibang tao at napapahiya siya, but she asked for this. I’ve had enough. Pain is visible on her face and her eyes are watering, but I can't care anymore. I sighed deeply to calm my head and went to the bathroom, not really minding the attention I gained because of it.

I splashed water on my face to wake myself up. Napahilamos ako bago ko napatingin sa basang parte ng aking slacks.

Yacey spilled water on me right in the center of my pants. Gusto kong isiping hindi niya sinasadya, pero knowing how desperate she is, I know she did.

She even tried to fucking wipe it off with her hands as if she already expected it to happen. Paano na lang kung hindi ko nahawakan ang kamay niya at tinabig iyon ng malakas? It could have been sexual assault! Anong akala niya? Matutuwa ako don?! Putangina. Napapikit ulit ako ng mata dahil ramdam ko na naman ang pagkulo ng dugo ko.

Iritado pa ako noong bumalik pero buti na lang wala na si Yacey sa mesa namin dahil talagang baka hindi ko na mapigilan ang ang sarili ko. Sobrang kapal naman ng mukha niya kung nagkataon.

"Pre ang laki mo na para magwiwi sa shorts," natatawang asar ni Yule kaya binatukan ko na. I didn't even tried to hold back.

"Tangina mo. Magbiro ka lang sa bagong gising, huwag lang sa taong badtrip," ani ko bago umupo ulit pero wala na ako sa mood para kumain.

Halos hindi na makatingin sa akin si Yacey pagbalik namin sa room. Good. Mukhang titigil na siya ngayon. I felt a sudden relief in my system.

Now, I can only focus on my studies and my girlfriend. I cleared my throat and forced the corners of my lips not to lift after thinking of Amara. The sudden change in my mood just by thinking of her is really incredible. Siya lang ata ang makakapagpaganito sa akin.

Damn, this is too hard. I want to see her now. I couldn't help but take my phone out of my pocket and look at her pictures. Hindi ko napigilan ang sarili ko at sinendan siya ng “I miss you” message. I smiled contentedly nang magreply siya na siya din daw, miss niya na ako.

I hid my phone again when our professor came in. Napamura ako nang maalala kong may recital kami today. Bad timing pa kasi mukhang badtrip si Sir.

I sighed deeply as I watched the index cards being shuffled by our professor. Halos hindi na ako huminga at walang nagawa kundi magdasal na lang hanggang sa bumunot siya ng isa.

"Ms. Peñuela."

Everyone turned to Yacey when she was called, except for me. I heard the creaking of the chair as it was pushed back.

Our professor asked her about the ruling of one of the cases that was given to us to study. Napalingon lang ako sa kaniya nang marinig ang utal-utal niyang sagot. Mukhang hindi niya alam ang sasabihin.

"Sa susunod, Miss, huwag puro ganda at landi lang, ha? Mag-invest ka din sa ibang bagay, gaya ng pag-aaral. You have time to take pictures and flirt on social media, but you can't even read your cases?"

Natahimik ang buong classroom namin nang sabihin iyon ni Sir. Ramdam kong mas lalong kinabahan ang lahat sa pangmemersonal niya. No one wants to be humiliated like that.

"Get out of my room, Ms. Peñuela. Bumalik ka na lang sa susunod kung willing ka nang mag-aral," dugtong pa niya bago ilibot ang paningin sa amin. "Again, class, this is not a pageant or a club kung saan magpapaganda kayo at hahabol ng lalaki. This is an institution where you need to dedicate yourself to studying. Kung hindi niyo iyon maiintindihan, huwag na kayong pumasok. Sinasayang niyo pera ng mga magulang niyo."

I looked away when I saw her trembling a little and forcing herself not to cry. Napahilot ako ng sintido kasi bigla akong naawa sa kaniya. I didn’t glance at her anymore kahit noong lumabas na siya ng room.

Our recital continued hanggang sa maubos ang oras namin. Halos kalahati ng room namin ay nakatayo dahil hindi nakarecite ng maayos. Ginigisa kasi ni Sir kapag hindi maganda yung sagot, at ang dami niyang follow-up questions. Pagkalabas na pagkalabas namin ng room, grabe agad ang reklamo ng mga kaklase ko sa kaniya.

Napatingin ako sa gilid at napatigil nang may mahagip ang aking mata. Napabuntong-hininga ako ng malalim at marahang napamura.

"Bakit, pre?" Napatigil din sina Yule at Theros saka takang napatingin sa akin.

"Wala, mauna na kayo," sabi ko sa kanila. Hindi ko na sinagot ang nagtataka nilang mga mata at nilapitan ko siya.

She was hiding in the small corridor, burying her head between her knees. I somehow saw Amara in her when she was helpless about her grades, kaya hindi ko kayang baliwalain lang.

She turned her head up when she heard my footsteps. Her face was red and wet with tears. She immediately glared when she saw it was me.

"What do you want? Are you happy now? Yes, I'm dumb—"

"Tsk," I threw my handkerchief at her face, which made her stop crying for a moment out of shock.

Labag sa kalooban ko ang ginagawa ko ngayon, pero hindi ko kaya umaktong parang wala lang, knowing na may sinabi rin akong masasamang salita sa kaniya kanina. I felt bad about it. "If you're done crying, then get up. It's your fault kapag nalate ako."

I turned my back on her after that. I frowned when I heard her footsteps following me. "Instead of following me around, use your time studying."

"But it's hard," she muttered, and I gazed at her and saw her pouting. "I don't even know why I am here."

"Then quit going to school. "

"You're so harsh, you know?!" sambit niya saka sumabay ng lakad sa akin. " Ang bait mo naman sa girlfriend mo," mahinang reklamo niya.

"Well, that's my girl," I stated sarcastically in a tone that implied, so that's just normal.

"That hurts," she bitterly muttered. "I'm jealous."

"That's right. Envy her."

She rolled her eyes, "Whatever." She suddenly stopped in front of me, so I had to stop too.

"What?" Irita kong tanong kasi may kakaibang kislap na naman sa mata niya. Damn. Comforting her was a mistake. I should've just ignored her.

"Help me study?" she asked with her puppy eyes.

I tried so hard not to winced in front of her. Eww. Brother, what's that? That's not cute at all.

"No," I immediately rejected her and walked past her again.

Does she think we're okay now just because I comforted her a little? She's delusional.

"Why?!" she asked, exaggeratedly, while still following me like a shadow.

"Because I don't want to. First, I don't want to give my girlfriend a reason to worry by being close to you. Second, why would I waste my time on you? I'm already so busy I don't even have time to date her. So find someone else who's single and willing to tutor and flirt with you because I won't."

"But I want it to be you!"

Bumalik na naman ang inis ko sa kaniya. "Yacey," I called after turning to face her. She stopped and waited for me to speak. "Just because I was a little nice doesn’t mean it’s a cue for you to make a move. I meant what I said earlier. Stay away from me." I reminded her before leaving her there.

But it seems like those words couldn’t even stop her. Mas lalo siyang naging confident na lumapit sa akin. I tried to ignore her and be heartless, drawing the lines bluntly that she should never cross. But I ended up crossing them instead.

My conscience couldn't handle seeing her looking na parang pinagbagsakan ng langit at lupa every time she saw the results of her quizzes and failed recitations. Nakikita ko si Amara noon sa kaniya.

"Just this once," I told myself. "Tuturuan ko lang." After this, wala na.

Pero nasundan pa iyon without unintentionally knowing. I didn’t know why, but I felt like she was taking advantage of my compassion. Alam niyang I can’t just shove her away tuwing nahihirapan siya, so she used it as her leverage. Nag-aalangan na ako kung tama pa ba 'tong ginagawa ko kasi alam kong this will create a crack in my relationship with Amara. But then, I started acknowledging Yacey as my friend.

I didn’t even notice that we were slowly becoming close in the process. I started enjoying her company and realized that she wasn’t that bad at all. Despite that, I still made sure to draw a line between us. Na hanggang dito lang siya, at hanggang dito lang kami.

But everything started to fall apart when I began catching feelings. Hindi ko alam kung kailan nagsimula. Hindi ko napansin.

I just slowly realized it when the simple things she was doing brought a smile to my face. Or when she’s laughing and I can’t seem to avoid my gaze from her. I found myself paying attention to her. She even started to occupy my mind, and I didn’t even realize it. I felt happy when she noticed and gave me attention.

I have a strong desire to make her laugh and be there whenever she needs me. I wanted to protect her like how I protected Amara back then when she was at her lowest. I wanted to be someone she can depend on and rely on.

I’m starting to get confused, and that’s the jerkiest thing I’ve ever done.

Did I fall for her flirty moves? O natutuwa lang ako sa atensyong binibigay niya?

I was blaming Yacey for everything. Gusto ko siyang sisihin kapag nag-aaway kami ni Amara o kapag nagsisinungaling ako. Gusto ko siyang sisihin sa tuwing nararamdaman kong mas gusto kong makasama siya kaysa sa girlfriend ko. Na kasalanan niya kung bakit nagkaganito ang lahat. I want to blame her because I don't want to admit that it was partly my fault.

Bakit kasi nilandi niya ako?

I just want to love Amara. Iyon lang, but now it's starting to change.

"After this, I promised, wala na. I'll spend more time with you, okay?"

"Promise?" Amara asked with hopeful eyes.

I sighed quietly as I felt a heavy rock hit my heart. I distanced myself from Yacey after that and tried focusing more on Amara. Naguguilty ako kasi, tangina, mahal na mahal ako no'ng babae. I can see happiness glistening in her eyes every time I look at her, tapos sasaktan ko lang?

Bumawi ako sa kaniya, hoping that one day, kung malaman niya man ang kagaguhang ginawa ko, she won't resent me that much. That she will remember the time, the efforts, and all the love I poured into her, and that will make her anger subside a little.

Tama yung paglayo ko kay Yacey, but why is my heart still uneasy and in pain?

"Hey, do we have a problem?! Jammes!"

I sighed and faced Yacey, who’s been pestering and following me around, asking what was wrong and why I suddenly ignored her. I gulped when I saw her face and closed my eyes tightly.

I tried to think of Amara—her lovely smiles, how peaceful her face is. I reminded myself of the years and storms we’ve been through. I shouldn’t throw it all away just like that, just because I suddenly like someone else.

Minulat ko ang mata ko saka sinalubong ang mga nagtataka niyang mata. "Look, Yacey, stay away from me, okay?" Pagmamakaawa ko. "Don't talk to me again. Nag-aaway kami ng girlfriend ko dahil sa 'yo. I don't want to lose her."

"What?" Pagak niyang tawa. "Why me? I didn't do anything! I just expressed my feelings! So why are you blaming me?!" she asked unbelievably. "Don't tell me..." binitin niya ang sasabihin saka tinitigan ako.

Napalunok ako saka napaiwas ng tingin, ignoring the thumping of my heart that was caused because of her persistent glares.

"Are you starting to like me, Jammes?"

I gritted my teeth. "No," I answered sternly, meeting her eyes.

"You're lying. You like me," she pointed out. "So why are you doing this when our feelings are mutual?!"

"They're not, Yacey." I shook my head, trying to convince myself. "So stop seducing me."

"What? I seduced you?!" She repeated incredulously. "No, Jammes. You let me seduce you! And deep inside, you like it, don't you?"

I opened my mouth to say something, but no words came out. I sighed deeply and looked at her with desperation. "Let's... just stop this, okay? Gulong-gulo na ako." Pagmamakaawa ko sa kaniya saka siya iniwan doon.

But Yacey didn't stop. In fact, she became more persistent, and I wanted to cry out of frustration because I felt relief. Tangina. I felt relieved. I felt so horrible for feeling this way, even though I didn't want to. Hindi ko mapigilan.

I know what I'm feeling. Ayaw ko lang aminin sa sarili ko kasi alam kong may masasaktan ako.

But the waves of temptation were stronger than what was right or wrong, and I found myself enjoying the ride. The tide changed, and I was swept away with it.

I just found myself constantly lying to Amara, as if it were my expertise. I suddenly knew how to make up excuses and reasons I’d never thought of before. Minsan, hindi ko na siya matitigan sa mata because I feel so sorry for her.

The more I neglected her thirst for my time and attention, the more broken she became.

I can't help but feel guilty sometimes because I was having fun while, on the other side, she was feeling lonely.

But I can't stop myself now. I let the waves of temptation carry me far away from her, despite knowing that she was drowning there. It's too late to swim back and save her... or maybe, I just don't want to swim back to where she is. I don't belong there anymore.

"What are you thinking?"

I was snapped back to reality and looked at Yacey. Suddenly, the guilt I was feeling was forgotten. I smiled at her and shook my head.

Napatingin ako sa kamay niyang nakalagay sa ibabaw ng kamay ko. "What is it? Tell me, hmm?" malambing niyang tanong, and I felt like I was in heaven.

"Nothing. It's not important. Don't worry about it," I answered, gulping.

I could feel my heart thumping as our hands brushed. I sighed and let myself hold her hand, squeezing it gently before kissing it lightly. She fell silent when I played with it a little.

"Jammes," she called softly, and I looked up at her. My eyes widened as her lips immediately met mine.  I was stunned in my seat, na para bang binuhusan ako ng malamig na tubig. I stood up after I realized what had just happened.

"Sorry, I need to go," I hurriedly said.

"Jammes, wait!" She tried to stop me pero nakalayo na ako.

I couldn't hear what she was shouting anymore because the only sounds I could hear were my footsteps and the loud beating of my heart.

Napahilamos ako ng mukha habang naglalakad palayo. Litong-lito na ako sa gagawin ko.

No. Alam ko kung ano ang gusto kong gawin. Pinipigilan ko lang ang sarili ko dahil naaawa ako kay Amara.

"What about you, love? What's the thing I've missed? How's school? What's happening lately?"

I swallowed hard and looked away from Amara when she asked that. We're on a date at a restaurant, just like I promised her.

I gripped my fork and then put it down. "I just need to go to the bathroom, tinatawag ako ng kalikasan," I excused myself to avoid answering her question kasi parang hindi ko na kayang magsinungaling when she's being like this. When she's looking at me so tenderly.

But the scene I walked into when I came back was not what I expected.

"Don't ever fucking call my boyfriend again, you fucking leech. You're so disgusting—"

I couldn't help but grab my phone from Amara after hearing what she said. My blood boiled when I saw who she was talking to.

"Anong sinabi mo sa kaniya?" Nangbabantang tanong ko sa kaniya.

"Love..." She uttered nervously, like a puppy seeking forgiveness, and it irritated me even more.

"Anong sinabi mo sa kaniya?!" I didn't even realize I had raised my voice at her because my mind was preoccupied with Yacey. Is she okay? She's not crying again, is she?

I mean, how could she say those things to someone she didn’t even know?! Si Amara yung pagkamasungit niya, hindi niya na nalulugar.

"Dude, what the fuck? Why are you yelling at your girl?"

Napatigil ako sa sinabi ng lalaki. Biglang nawala ang pagkainis na naramdaman ko at napabalik ako sa realidad. Fuck. What have I done? Nasigawan ko siya. I raised my voice at the girl I treasured and cherished for years.

"I'm hurting her?And you're hurting me, asshole! Gusto ko lang naman makasama ka! Pero lagi na lang Yacey! Yacey! Si Yacey na lang palagi! You said we'll spend more time together pero palagi ka pa ring busy sa kaniya! Puro na lang Yacey! Yacey! Nakakairita na! Paano naman ako ha?! Girlfriend mo ako! "

Naghanap ako ng sasabihin pero wala akong masabi.

"Pumunta ka sa kaniya ngayon! Wala na akong pakialam!" She shouted and stormed out.

"Amara!" I called her while panicking. I followed her immediately pero nakasakay na siya ng abutan ko.

Stress akong napahilamos ng mukha habang tinitingnan ang taxing sinakyan niya. Pumunta akong parking lot para umuwi at suyuin siya. Pumunta akong parking lot para umuwi at suyuin siya. However, a call stopped me and Yacey's name popped up on my screen. Napahilamos ako ng mukha at sinagot 'yon.

Instead of following Amara, I changed my destination. I let myself follow my heart.

Yacey's eyes were red nang abutan ko siya. It pained me to look at her. Siguro dahil sa sinabi kanina ni Amara. I sighed and gently pulled her into an embrace.

"Pasensiya ka na sa sinabi niya. Masungit at masakit lang talaga 'yon magsalita minsan kahit wala namang ginagawa sa kaniya."

"It's fine," she answered while pouting, which made me laugh a little and made her throw me a glare. "I was in my misery and you dare laugh in front of me?"

"Cute mo," pisil ko sa pingi niya at hinila siya ulit para sa isang mahigpit na yakap. I felt her bury her face in my neck.

I know what I'm doing now is wrong, but I feel at peace. Umuwi lang ako para masigurong okay at kalmado na si Yacey.

Pagod akong pumasok ng condo ko. Parang sobrang tagal na ng huli kong punta dito. Pumasok ako ng kwarto ko at biglang napahinto. Biglang nagflashback lahat ng kagaguhang ginawa ko matapos makita ang maamong mukha ni Amara habang natutulog.

Umupo ako sa gilid ng kama kung saan siya nakaharap at hinayaan ang mga daliri kong paglaruan ang kaniyang buhok. Her brows were even furrowing like she was having a nightmare.

The sides of her eyes were swollen as if she had been crying for hours, but that sight didn’t hurt me at all. I cupped her cheeks and gently stroked them. Wala akong nararamdamang kahit ano.

"I'm sorry," mahinang bulong ko sa kaniya. "I tried. I really tried, but it was out of my hands."

I just stared at her, thinking about everything until she woke up. Niyakap ko siya kahit kakayakap ko lang ng ibang babae.

"Are you angry? I'm sorry." Suyo ko at nanglalambing na hinalikan siya, not because I liked it but because pakiramdam ko, ganito ang dapat kong gawin bilang boyfriend niya.

"Hindi ba pwedeng...layuan mo siya? I know this is selfish but can you not care about her? Pwedeng pabayaan mo na lang siya? I'm so...threatened by her. Natatakot ako sa kaniya." Nangungusap na tanong niya sa akin.

Believe me, I’ve already tried everything and still ended up with this untangled mess.

If I were the same Gahala, she would never have said those words to me because I wouldn’t even let anyone near me. But that’s not me anymore. The Gahala who loved her the most is already in the past.

"You don't need to worry about her though,"

Lies.

I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. I’m just saying what she wants to hear from me. Para hindi niya ako paghinalaan. Para mapanatag siya.

I am torn between pushing her away and pulling her close, despite knowing that whatever I do and whatever choices I make, she’ll end up breaking into pieces.

"Really? I don't need to worry? Eh kaya niya nga tayong pag-awayin ng ganito. "

"I'm sorry for making you feel that way, for making those words come out of your mouth, and for making you feel anxious."

That’s what I should have said to make her worries go away, but I ended up muttering, "Wala ka bang tiwala sa akin?"

Because I know I can’t do what she’s asking me to do. It’s already too deep for me to turn back.

Like her, I wanted to stop myself too, but I can’t. Gusto ko na siyang tigilan.

I want to be with Yacey.

I want to choose what makes my heart happy. And it’s sad because it’s no longer with her.

Lies after lies after lies. It continued to the point that I wasn’t feeling guilty anymore, kahit magsinungaling pa ako sa kaniya ng ilang beses.

From: Amara
Where are you right now?

To: Amara
At my classmate's house

From: Amara
Who's classmate?

Here she is again. Doubting me. She didn't trust me anymore like before.

To: Amara
Does it matter who's classmate?

From: Amara
Yeah. It kinda does

To: Amara
Babe, here we go again

From: Amara
You can just be honest if you're with Yacey.  It's not like hindi pa ako sanay. I'm sure she's there. Lagi namang nakakapit 'yon sa 'yo and you won't act like this right now if she's not.

To: Amara
She's my classmate. Of course, she's here.

"Jammes, is everything okay?"

Napatingala ako at sinalubong kaagad ako ng mga mata ni Yacey. Nagtatanong ang mga iyon and malambing niya akong hinawakan sa braso.

"Yeah, it is." Ngiti ko sa kaniya saka tumango. Tinago ko ang cellphone ko kahit ramdam ko ang pagvibrate no'n, tanda na may nagtext.

"Then let's go!" Excited niyang sambit saka ako hinila kaya nagpatangay ako.

Nakatingin lang sa amin sina Yule at Theros na nasa harapan namin at hindi ko alam kung ano ang iniisip. Kaagad din silang umiwas saka nauna na.

"Pre,"

Napatigil ako sa paglalakad nang hawakan ako ni Yule sa balikat. Kakaalis lang namin galing sa bahay nila Yacey. And it was fun.

"Oh?" Nakangiting tanong ko. Nasa good mood lang talaga ako and I even want to whistle out of happiness.

Bumuntong hininga siya at parang nag-aalinlangan ba kung sasabihin niya o hindi. Napatingin ulit siya sa akin saka napamura ng mahina.

"May namamagitan ba sa inyo ni Yacey?" diretsong tanong niya at napasulyap din sa amin si Theros pero walang sinabi, nakikinig lang.

Doon ako natigilan at unti-unting nawala ang ngiti ko. "W...ala," hindi siguradong sagot ko. " I mean, wala. " Mas may diin na ngayong sabi ko at parang sigurado "Bakit?"

"Bakit nasa kwarto ka niya?" Puno ng pagdududang tanong niya.

Natahimik ulit ako kasi hindi ko alam kung ano ang tamang salita ang gagamitin para hindi ako magtunog sinungaling at masamang tingnan.

We didn’t really do anything. Yacey just invited me to see her room. Maybe we cuddled a little and talked about stuff, but there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not like we did anything sexual.

"Nothing. She just showed me her room. "

Pinaningkitan niya ako ng mata na para bang binasa ako kung nagsisinungaling ba ako o hindi. Huminga siya ng malalim pagkatapos at stress na napahilamos ng mukha.

"Ayokong lagyan ng malisya ha. Pero tangina pare. Sinong matinong lalaki ang papasok sa kwarto ng isang babae lalo na at may girlfriend siya? Ayusin mo desisyon mo sa buhay ha dahil hindi kami bulag. At hindi din kami manhid para hindi makaramdam."

I laughed at him and playfully tapped his shoulders. "Gago, pinagsasabi mo, pre? Seryoso mo a," biro ko sa kaniya, pero mukhang hindi nila nagustuhan dahil hindi nagbago ang ekspresyon ng mukha nila. Kahit si Theros, hindi na tumitingin sa akin. I could sense that they were disappointed.

"Eto ka o," Yule said, showing me his middle finger irritably. "Huwag kang umasang pagtatakpan kita."

"Ano bang pinagsasabi niyo? Pinaprank niyo ba ako?" Maang-maangan ko. "Wala nga lang 'yon! Seryoso! "

"Tangina mo. Huwag mo kaming gawing gago," galit niyang sabi saka tinalikuran ako.

Medyo naging malayo yung loob nila sa akin pagkatapos no'n pero kinakausap pa din naman nila ako minsan.

Wala na din kaming ginawa ni Amara kung hindi ang mag-away nang mag-away. Nag-uusap nga kami pero puro lagi tungkol kay Yacey at sa mga hinala niya tapos mauuwi ang lahat ng iyon sa sigawan.

Naririndi na ako sa kaniya. Nawawalan na ako ng ganang intindihin siya...o hindi ko na lang talaga siya gustong intindihin. Parang wala na akong pakialam sa kaniya. Hinihintay ko na lang na siya ang bumitaw dahil mas madali iyon.

"Are you okay?" I asked Yacey worriedly while driving. She had called me earlier in the middle of the night, crying. I knew something must have happened.

"Hmm. I'm just lonely. Come quickly and hug me."

"I'll be there, okay?" I comforted her. "Just wait for me. I won’t be long."

I drove quickly to her place, not really minding that I had left someone alone in my bed who might need my hug on this cold night.

I sighed deeply. Babalik na lang ako mamaya bago pa magising si Amara.

"Hey," I softly called as Yacey welcomed me into her house. I stepped inside and she closed the door.

I examined her face. Her eyes were red, as if she had been crying for a while. "What happened?" I asked in a soothing voice, pulling her into an embrace to comfort her.

She immediately snuggled into my arms and buried her face in my neck. "Just... family matters. My mother and father decided to separate."

Natahimik ako doon and I suddenly came to understand her pain since I had experienced something similar before. And I felt relieve na nandito ako ngayon para sa kaniya.

"What do you want me to do to make you feel better?" I whispered in her ear.

"Just stay by my side and hug me. That will be enough."

We had been cuddling on the sofa for so long that I couldn’t remember how many hours had passed. I tried to make her laugh, hoping to help her forget the pain she was going through, even if just for a little while.

"I need to go back," I reminded her, but her grip tightened na parang ayaw niya akong bitawan. I hugged her tightly too kasi ayaw ko din pero kailangan.

She shifted at tiningnan ako sa mata ng may pagsusumamo. "Stay longer?" She pouted, and I couldn’t help but glance at her lips.

They were swollen and totally inviting and I suddenly lost my resolve.

I gulped and met her gaze. "Fine. Just a little longer," I whispered as I drew my face closer to hers.

I didn’t know what happened next. I found myself gasping for air, groaning, and kissing her. Her arms were wrapped around my neck, as if she didn’t want to let go. My hands had slipped inside her blouse, touching places I shouldn’t have.

"Shit," I cursed as our lips finally parted. We were both panting, gazing into each other’s eyes.

"Jammes, I like you," she said, her eyes solemn, as if she was desperately seeking an answer. "I can feel that you have feelings for me too, so what are we?"

I licked my lower lip before answering, " I like you but I have a girlfriend. I wanted to be with you, but I still have things to deal with. "

I couldn’t believe I said those words, but I was relieved when they brought a smile to her face.

"So, are you planning to break up with her?"

I nodded. "Yeah. Just give me some time. Are you okay with us keeping this a secret for now, until I sort everything out?"

"Of course I am!" She laughed, and I couldn’t help but smile widely. She looked so pretty when she was happy.

We started dating secretly after that. I committed to her while I was still tied to Amara. I know that was wrong, but I couldn’t help feeling like I was over the moon. Parang biglang nagkakulay ulit ang mundo ko.

Palagi kaming magkasama, at parang ayaw ko nang umuwi kay Amara kasi puro away ang sinasalubong ko. She’s becoming more and more toxic every day, tipong nakakasakal na siya.

I felt like she had changed. She wasn’t the Amara I once loved anymore. Sobrang nakakapagod na siya.

Nalaman pa niyang tungkol sa mall. That was when I took Yacey out on our first date. I was nervous when Amara mentioned it, but at the same time, I was eager. I wanted her to let go as quickly as possible so Yacey wouldn’t be in the shadows anymore. I wanted to show off Yacey, to let everyone know she was my girl.

From: Amara
Are you reviewing?

To: Amara
Yes, I'm quite busy right now. Do you need anything?

From: Amara
Can we review together? May free time ako ngayon. Puntahan kita?

To: Amara
I don't think that's a good idea, Amara. Aside sa sayang sa oras saka pamasahe, Yacey's here too. Ayoko ng gulo. I don't think I'll be able to comfort you if you get moody again.

From: Amara
I won't. I promise. Hindi ako totopakin at hindi ko rin siya aawayin. Hindi ako magseselos, pangako. So please? Let me stay with you.

To: Amara
Still, if you're here, I'll be bothered.

To: Amara
My friends are already here. Aalis na kami. TTYL.

I clenched my phone tightly and sighed. Hindi ko alam kung kailan ko hindi na kailangang magsinungaling. The truth is, nasa bahay ako ni Yacey since half-day lang kami, at hindi alam ni Amara since hindi ko na siya ina-update.

"Who's that?"

I smiled at Yacey when I saw her pouting after I hid my phone. "Nothing."

"Is it her?"

I licked my lower lip. "Well, yeah. But don’t mind it. She’s just nagging again."

She snorted and turned her attention back to the movie. We were cuddling on the sofa and just enjoying our time together.

"Babe," nanunuyong tawag ko. I held her hand and squeezed it. "Huwag ka na magtampo. Sa 'yo ako ngayon," I assured her.

"Tch," sungit niya, pero hindi nakalampas sa akin ang ngiting pilit niyang tinago.

She leaned on me and snuggled. I sighed contentedly and kissed her tenderly on the side of her head.

"When are you going to break up with her? It’s been a month," she reminded me.

"I'm waiting for her to end it."

"Why? Afraid that she’ll cry and beg for a second chance?" She asked, and I just stayed silent. "C’mon, you’re too soft-hearted, my love," she laughed, as if it were ridiculous. "Baka may feelings ka pa sa kaniya?" She squinted her eyes and stared at me suspiciously.

"Malisyosa mo, wala na nga. You're the one I love now."

She arched her brows and turned to face me. I let my arms snake around her waist. "Hmm, then why are you hesitating?"

I sighed and pinched her nose. "Naawa ako sa kaniya, okay? She became dependent on me, at halos sa akin na umikot ang mundo no’n."

"Well, do you want me to help you?" She offered.

"No. Just sit prettily on the side and wait for me."

She pouted and nodded, "Fine."

I smiled and pulled her face closer. "Good," I whispered and softly kissed her lips. She immediately responded and wrapped her arms around my shoulders.

That soft kiss became aggressive until we both lost our sanity. The only things I could hear were our soft groans, our fast footsteps nearing her bedroom, the lock of the door, and how our clothes touched the floor as we undressed.

Something happened between us that night. For how many times that I lost count.

Nagising ako sa kalagitnaan ng gabi. Napatingin ako sa orasan sa side table ng kama ni Yacey at nakitang alas tres na ng umaga. Napahilamos ako ng mukha nang makita ang aking katawan niya na walang saplot at mahimbing na natutulog sa tabi ko.

"Shit," I muttered and stood up. I picked up my clothes from the floor and quickly got dressed.

I was trembling, not from fear but because I couldn’t believe what had happened. All I could think about right now ay masasaktan si Amara kung sakaling malaman niya ang nangyari, pero wala akong naramdaman kahit katiting na pagsisisi.

"Hindi ka umuwi."

Nagulat ako ng kaagad akong sinalubong ni Amara na para bang kanina niya pa ako hinihintay. Akala ko tulog na siya.

"Saan ka galing?"

Parang bigla akong naputulan ng dila. Lahat ng nangyari kanina ay biglang nag-flashback sa utak ko nang itanong niya iyon. "Nagkayayang uminom kagabi matapos ng review. Nalasing... ako." Another lie.

Hindi ko alam kung naniwala siya doon. I don't smell like alcohol at all. I smelled like another woman.

Anong sasabihin ko sa kaniya? Na "I fucked another girl without thinking that maybe you're waiting for me here and worrying why I didn't go home?"

She suspected me, and I got defensive. She's so persistent in knowing everything that it irritates me kasi ayoko ng magpaliwanag. Nanghingi ako ng cool-off sa kaniya to get the upper hand, and I did nung magmakaawa siya at humingi ng tawad despite me being the one at fault.

Hindi ko mapigilang mairita sa kaniya sa tuwing inosente siyang tumitingin sa akin na parang wala siyang alam at pilit siyang nagbubulag-bulagan. Or when she's looking at me hopefully, expecting na magkakaayos na kami kahit alam niyang malabong mangyari 'yon.

Bakit hindi niya na lang ako bitawan? Mas madali 'yon, and it's more convenient for the both of us.

"Kamusta si Amara, pre?"

Napalingon ako kay Theros nang itanong niya.

I shrugged, "Okay lang naman."

I actually didn't know.

"Ah, gano'n ba," tango-tango niya, at nakita ko ang pasimpleng siko sa kaniya ni Yule. Nagtinginan sila at nagsenyasan. Mukhang may gustong sabihin pero nag-aalinlangan.

Tatanungin ko na sana sila pero biglang dumating si Yacey. "Let's go and grab lunch?" she asked, smiling brightly while looking at me.

I smiled too and nodded. She clung to my arm, at hinayaan ko lang iyon. Nag-uusap lang kaming dalawa habang tahimik lang na nakasunod yung dalawa sa likod. Natatawa kaming dalawa ni Yacey, at natigil lang 'yon nang sikuhin ako ni Yule.

"What?" Takang tanong ko, at may tinuro sila kaya sinundan ko ng tingin.

Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig nang makita si Amara doon. She even smiled and waved at me. Pasimple kong kinuha ang kamay ni Yacey at lumapit sa kaniya kahit kinakabahan.

"Are you busy now?" she asked hopefully again.

I glimpsed at Yacey using my peripheral vision and saw her sulking. "Yeah," I answered to make Yacey feel good. I licked my lower lip before looking away.

"We have an exam later in Labor Law," I lied. I could feel my friends' gazes on me kasi wala naman talaga kaming exam mamaya.

I saw how disappointment took over Amara, but she didn't say anything, at tumango lang. May binigay siya sa aking lunch box. "I cooked it."

Napatingin ako sa kamay niyang may mga sugat. This is the hand that I promised I'd take care of. It looked like a mess now.

"Thank you," kinuha ko iyon saka napaiwas ng tingin, feeling guilty.

"Tara na, Jammes!" Aya ni Yacey sa akin. She clung to my arm again at harap-harapan akong hinila palayo kay Amara.

Napapalingon ako kay Amara, and I could see how she wanted to pull me away from Yacey. I sighed and didn’t bother looking at her again. I couldn’t bring myself to choose her because this is what makes me happy.

"I'll order food for us. Hanap ka na lang ng mesa natin," Yacey suggested, and I nodded.

"Nasaan si Yule, pare?" takang tanong ko kay Theros ng makasalubong ko siya at hindi makita ang isa.

His brows furrowed at me and he looked so pissed, "Hinatid girlfriend mo kasi wala kang kwenta. "

Natigilan ako ng kaunti dahil sa biglaan niyang pagsabog. "Magkalinawan nga tayo, pre. Sino ba girlfriend mo ha? Si Amara o si Yacey? O dalawa sila?"

Hindi ko alam kung magmaang-maangan ako o hindi. "Ano na namang pinagsasabi mo?" Kunwari natatawang sambit ko.

"Tarantado, hindi kami tanga! Huli ka na ayaw mo pang umamin! Ayusin mo desisyon mo sa buhay! Tangina! Hindi ka naawa sa tao?!"

"May away ata," rinig kong bulungan ng ibang napatingin sa amin.

Napatingin ako sa paligid na nakamasid sa amin. "Sa ibang lugar tayo mag-usap."

Nagulat ako ng kaunti ng tinabig niya ang kamay ko.  "Bakit?! Nahihiya ka sa ginawa mo?! Mabuti nga 'to para malaman ng lahat na manloloko kang gago ka! Nakita mo ba mukha niya kanina?! Isang kalabit nalang paiyak na siya! "

"Tangina pare, ano bang problema mo?!" Inis kong sambit saka siya tinulak palayo pero sinuntok niya ako kaya napaatras ako. Napahawi naman yung iba dahil takot madamay. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang sakit ng aking panga.

Inis ko siyang tiningnan. Napahawak ako sa labi kong dumugo ng kaunti. "Bakit ba pakialamero ka?! Problema mo ba 'yon ha? O gusto mo si Amara? Edi landiin mo gago!"

Hindi makapaniwalang iniling niya ang ulo. "Sige. Tingnan natin kung kaya mo nga kapag may lumandi sa kaniyang iba! Tutal she doesn't deserve a fucking asshole like you!"

"Oh my god, are you okay?!" biglang sulpot ni Yacey na nag-aalala. I felt Yacey's hand on my face, sinisipat ang mukha ko na sinuntok ni Theros.

Napatingin siya kay Yacey saka bahagyang natawa ng pagak bago tumingin sa akin. "Gago!" he cursed me before storming out.

"Ano ba ang nangyari?" Nag-aalalang tanong ulit ni Yacey.

"Ewan ko doon. Wala 'yon," sambit ko na lang kasi ayaw ko na mag-alala pa siya.

"Sorry, was it my fault?" Yacey smiled apologetically.

I smiled at her and shook my head. "No, it wasn’t. Don’t worry about it." I patted her head.

My friends avoided me after that, but it doesn’t matter. Lagi ko namang kasama si Yacey, at sa condo niya kami laging tumatambay. I'm enjoying our secret relationship.

Nasundan ulit ng ilang beses ang nangyari sa amin, and I felt like my body belonged to Yacey now. Amara tried to kiss me, at gumalaw ang katawan ko para itulak siya palayo bago pa ako makapag-isip. I felt so sacred and off-limits.

"Happy 4th anniversary!"

Nagulat ako, hindi dahil bigla akong sinalubong ng confetti, kundi dahil nakalimutan ko kung anong araw ngayon. Napatingin ako sa kaniya, and she slowly lost her smile nang marealize niyang hindi ko naalala. Pero binalewala niya iyon at kaagad din siyang ngumiti ulit kahit pilit.

I sighed at hinayaan siyang magcelebrate kahit wala akong gana.

"Mag-wish tayo, ha!" she excitedly exclaimed pagkatapos niyang dalhin papalapit sa akin ang cake.

She closed her eyes and wished for something. I wished for something too while looking at her.

'I wish we'll break up. '

"I love you," she greeted tenderly after she opened her eyes and we blew out the candle. Guilt gripped my heart again, and I diverted my attention to something else because I couldn't answer her back.

"I have a gift for the both of us!" she forced herself to sound joyful, and I couldn’t watch anymore. She looked so pitiful and desperate.

"C-Charan!" Her voice broke as she showed me the two cups. "Do you like it? They're couple cups! Ito yung sa 'yo and h-here's mine! It looks cute right? We can used this everyday. Dapat hanggang pagtanda natin nasa atin pa 'to."

"Stop it, Amara," I said, because she was already being delusional.

"Why? Aren't you excited? Malapit na lang, Gahala, at matutupad na lahat ng pangarap natin! Just two more years and I'll graduate. Then I can take the board exam and start my teaching career. And in two years, you'll be studying law as well! Ang bilis lang, hindi ba? Imagine, 4 years na tayo? Kaunting paghihintay na lang 'yon at makakasal na tayo--"

"Stop it, Amara," I said firmly pero hindi siya nakinig. She's pushing me to the edge at napupuno na ako sa kaniya.

I can't listen to her desperate plans for us anymore. Tanga ba siya? Hindi ba niya maramdamang ayaw ko na? Na pagod na ako sa kaniya at hindi ko na siya mahal?

"We will build a house. Buy a car. Build a famil--"

"Shut up!" I shouted irritably, pulling her hand away. The cup fell to the floor and shattered into pieces. The sound echoed throughout the entire condo.

Pero hindi lang yung tasa ang nabasag ko, kundi pati rin siya.

"Bakit ka ganiyan? Anniversary na anniversary natin ei. Dapat kahit ngayon lang nagkunwari kang masaya sa akin," Her shoulders shook from crying so much na para bang ngayon lang sumabog ang lahat ng emosyong pinipigilan niya, ang lahat ng sakit at pagtitiis na ginawa niya.

"Huwag mo namang ipakitang nagsasawa ka na. Kahit ngayon lang iparamdam mo sa aking mahal mo ako kagaya noon. Tangina Gahala. Pinilit kong magbulag-bulagan pero bakit ka ganiyan."

Natigil lang ang pag-uusap namin nang biglang may nagdoorbell. Iniwan ko siya doon para mapakalma ang sarili ko. Napabuntong-hininga ako saka binuksan ang pintuan.

Napahilot ako ng sintido at binayaran ang pizzang inorder niya. Napalingon ako sa loob nang makarinig ng bagay na parang nahulog. Nilagay ko muna sa mesa ang pizza bago siya binalikan.

"I heard a loud sound. What happened?" Napatigil ako nang makita ang sitwasyon niya. Napatingin ako sa cellphone ko na nasa sahig at sa kaniyang mukha, trying to read the situation.

Napalunok ako nang mapagtanto ang nangyari. She already knew. Alam niya na ang kagaguhang ginawa ko. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko, but I felt relieved.

"What does that mean, Gahala?" Her voice cracked with a sob. She looked so devastated, as if I had taken everything from her, leaving her lifeless and dull. "Tangina, ano ibig sabihin no’n? Wala lang 'yon, diba? Prank ba 'to? Ano? Joke ba 'to? Pinagtritripan mo ba ako?"

I sighed and gathered my courage. I bit my lower lip and looked at her with so much pity after seeing her face full of tears.

I opened my mouth to say the words I had been holding back. The words she didn’t want to hear but, at the same time, needed to hear.

"I'm sorry. I... cheated."

Matapos niyang marinig ang sinabi ko, nakita ko kung paano umukit ang sakit sa kaniyang mukha na noon ngiti lang ang gusto kong makita.

Those were just four words, but they were enough to ruin her. I witnessed how she crumble into pieces and how tears filled her eyes and shouted betrayal.

Her heart died in front of me that day and I didn’t do anything to stop it. I watched her slowly lose the glint in her eyes.

I completely lost her.

I cheated on her without any reason or excuse.