Trigger warning: ATTEMPTED SUICIDE, DEPRESSION.

Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction. While this chapter contains situations involving medical professionals, I am not an expert in the field. The portrayal of medical procedures, diagnoses, and treatments should not be considered accurate or reflective of actual medical practices. For accurate medical information, please consult a professional.

******

"How is she?"

I weakly blinked my eyes and saw a white ceiling. My head hurt, and though I wasn’t fully conscious, I could hear voices nearby and the beeping of monitors.

“Is she okay, Doc?” I heard Kala sobbing. I tried to turn my head to see what was happening to her.

Hindi ko sila masyadong makita, but I could recognize their familiar figures, crowding the room. Hindi ko maintindihan kung ano ang nangyayari pero nakahiga ako sa kama. I tried to move, only to realized na may IV na nakakabit sa kamay ko.

“She’s probably okay, right?” pagsusumamong tanong ni Dolly.

“Fortunately, Ms. Tiexiera's condition is stable at the moment. We’ve given her the appropriate treatment and she is responding to it well.” The unfamiliar voice stated. He sounds like a doctor. "Okay lang din ang vital signs niya and we’re monitoring her closely.  But while her immediate situation is under control, we need to conduct further assessments to ensure there are no lingering effects from the overdose. "

"Gosh Gilbert, I don't know why would she do this!" I could hear Mama's frustrated voice as Papa tried to comfort her.

"Calm down, Kala. Amara's strong." Rinig kong pagpapatahan ni Dolly.

Vien was on the side, tahimik lang but she looked so troubled and agitated. Nakailang buntong-hininga siya saka napatingin sa direksiyon ko.

I saw her get alarmed nang makitang gising na ako. "Doc, she's awake!" tawag niya habang papalapit sa akin na nakakuha ng pansin ng lahat.

Isa-isa kong nakita ang mga mukha nila sa malapitan, especially Kala, who's bawling her eyes out.

"Amara, are you okay? May masakit ba sa 'yo?" bungad ni Vien, nanghihingi ng sagot.

"Gaga ka! Why would you do that?" Kala cried even more, her voice trembling. Parang gusto pa akong hampasin pero pinigilan niya ang sarili. "Do you have any idea how terrified I was seeing you unconscious with pills scattered everywhere?!"

I could feel my heart sinking as I remembered what happened last night. The pain was unbearable na halos hindi na ako makahinga. I was having panic attacks and was so desperate to escape my situation.

I wanted to...end it there. Hindi ko kinaya ang sakit at gusto ko na lang mawala kasabay nun. At that moment, that's all I could think about. That's why...I resorted to it, hoping to finally find peace.

"I'm sorry for scaring you," nanghihinang sambit ko habang nakangiti ng mapait.

Hindi ko alam ang mararamdaman ko. I feel relieved that I am fine, but at the same time, I feel disappointed and...hurt. Parang hindi ako makahinga.

"How are you feeling, Ms. Tiexiera?" kuha ng Doctor ng atensyon ko.

I weakly turned to him. "My head hurts, Doc."

"Well, that’s understandable dahil prinoproseso at cliniclear pa ng katawan mo yung mga substances," he said, jotting something down on his pad before looking back at me. "In a little while, we’ll need to draw some blood to check how well your body is processing everything. Titingnan natin if there are any residual toxins or complications due to the medications you ingested."

Tumingin ang doktor kina Kala at Papa. "For now, it's important that she doesn’t eat or drink anything to ensure that her system is clear before we proceed with the tests," he informed, and they nodded. "I hope I made everything clear. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me."

"Well then, we’ll give you a moment to rest," ani nito nang wala silang tanong. "If you feel any discomfort or have any concerns, please let us know right away." Nginitian niya ako bago siya umalis.

My friends stepped out as well to give us some privacy, giving me a hesitant smile while glancing at my parents.

"Amara," lapit kaagad sa akin nina Papa when we're left alone. Bumuntong-hininga ako saka binaling ko sa kabila ang ulo ko dahil ayoko silang makita.

"Ayokong marinig ang panunumbat niyo." Ani ko kaagad at nilayo ang kamay ko ng sinubukan niya iyong hawakan.

Hindi ko mapigilang magalit din sa kanila. Because at some point, they were part of the reason why I ended up here. They played their part.

"Pwede niyong sabihing nag-iinarte ako at gumagawa ng paraan para makakuha ng atensyon. That's fine. I can deal with that. But not right now, Ma, Pa." Tumingin ako sa kanila with a pained expression. Inunahan ko na dahil pakiramdam ko I'll lose it kapag dinagdagan pa nila. "I'm already tired as it is." Isang kalabit na lang sa akin, sasabog na ako.

“No, no, anak," iling ni Papa. "Gusto lang naming malaman mo na andito kami, kasama mo." Sinubukan ulit ni Papa na hawakan ang kamay ko at bahagyang pinisil ito. Nararamdaman kong nanginginig nang bahagya ang kaniyang mga kamay. "I'm sorry for not checking up on you...and for being too hard on you. We pressured you too much. But I never wished to see you so lifeless while lying in bed, anak. That's too much for us."

I hate how they are all the same. Sina Mama, Papa, at Gahala. They are only sorry dahil nasaktan nila ako. But they are not sorry habang sinasaktan nila ako

"Ngayon niyo lang sinabi kung kailan sirang-sira na ako kakapatunay ng sarili ko sa inyo. Kailangan ko lang palang mabaliw para kaawaan niyo e." Naiiling na sabi ko habang natatawa dahil hindi ako makapaniwala sa mga sinabi niya.

Hindi ko alam kung nasasaktan ako dahil naririnig ko na ngayon ang mga salitang gusto kong marinig sa kanila o dahil kailangan ko pang magkaganito para lang marinig iyon sa kanila.

May sasabihin pa sana si Mama pero inunahan ko na siya. "Gusto ko nang magpahinga," I said, dismissing her. "I can't handle another breakdown."

I don't want to hear anything from her the most. I've heard so many insults from her that any comforting words will sound insincere to me. Hindi ko masisikmura...at paniguradong pagdududahan ko kung totoo ba.

An hour after that, Dr. Morales came in again together with a nurse carrying a tray of medical supplies. Sineniyasan niya ang nurse na magsimula na, and I felt a needle prick as she drew blood from me. Lumabas din sila pagkatapos and after a few hours, Dr. Morales returned to inform us ng naging resulta.

"We’ve reviewed the test results,” he began, after looking at his clipboard. “Fortunately, the toxin levels in Ms. Tiexiera's system are within a safe range now, at wala namang significant damage sa kaniyang organs which is a positive sign. "

I could hear my friends whispering their thanks to God, and my parents sighing in relief.

"That being said,” tumingin siya sa parents ko saka mga kaibigan, “we still need to keep Amara under observation for a little longer to ensure her condition remains stable. Pero," diin niya, kaya bigla ulit nagkatense ang paligid, inaantay ang sunod niyang sasabihin. "kahit okay na yung toxin level ni Ms. Tiexiera, we still need to address any mental health concerns that may have led to this situation."

Huminga siya ng malalim, like it is hard for him to brought up the topic. "I recommend a...psychiatric evaluation para alam natin kung ano ang tamang suportang maibibigay natin sa kaniya.”

I wasn't even surprised when I heard it. Psychiatrist huh? Hindi ko mapigilang mapangiti dahil sa lungkot. Parang dinaganan ako ng malaking bato.

Tama pa ba 'to? Kung sobra-sobra na? Kung halos ikamatay at ikabaliw ko na?

Napatahimik ang iba sa narinig, mukhang prinoproseso iyon habang si Mama ay nagreklamo kaagad. "Doc, hindi baliw ang anak ko!"

I do not know how to react to that. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang pinoprotektahan niya—ako o ang image ng pamilya namin.

“Mrs. Tiexiera,” the doctor replied gently, “I understand your concern. However, a psychiatric evaluation doesn’t mean that your daughter is...‘baliw.’ Kailangan iyon ng anak mo, so that we could understand her emotional and mental state better, especially given the recent stress she’s been facing.” Paliwanag nito. "Hindi naman natin gugustuhing maulit 'to, hindi ba? Her mental health matters."

"Thank you for your concern, doc. " Pagitna ni Papa. "The psychiatric evaluation, we're doing it. " Pasya niya kahit parang hindi pa kumbinsido si Mama.

Tumutol kaagad si Mama. "But--"

"Shut up, Lilura!"

Napatahimik si Mama at stress na napahilamos ng mukha. Nanghihinga siyang napaupo sa gilid. Halos matulala siya sa mga nangyayari.

"Don't thank me, I'm just doing my job." Nakangiting sagot ng Doctor kay Papa bago bumaling sa akin. "Well then, I'll schedule an appointment for you with our psychiatrist. Iuupdate ko na lang kayo ng date and time once it's set. "

I stayed in the hospital for the next 3 days to monitor my toxin levels and to check for any delays and complications. I was excused from school because of that.

Hindi kami masyadong nag-uusap nina Mama at Papa, but they stayed with me. My sisters often visit as well. Sina Kala, binibisita din ako pagkatapos ng kanilang klase at uuwi lang sila tuwing gabi. Ganon lang yung set up namin hanggang sa madischarge na ako.

"Hi, good afternoon. How are you feeling today?"

Kaagad akong sinalubong ng bati ni Dr. Cruz nang pumasok ako sa kanyang clinic. I gave her a small, resigned smile. "Well, I'm not really feeling great," I told her hesitantly.

"Life sucks, doesn't it?" she tried to lighten the mood. "But that's all right. We'll talk about what’s been going on for you. Please, have a seat. " She offered kaya umupo ako sa kaharap niyang upuan.

Niready na niya ang clipboard niya saka tumingin sa akin. "Could you tell me what happened that brought you here today?"

"I..." I paused a little, not really ready to tell someone about this. "I have a long-time boyfriend. We've been together for four years. We met in high school, and our relationship was happy and fine. But then, he started changing, and...maybe I did too. I don't really know what happened. Our relationship went downhill, at..." napalunok ako. Telling her this is like admitting and accepting it myself. "...nalaman ko na lang na nagkaroon siya ng ibang babae. He cheated on me."

"I’m sorry to hear that. That must be really painful." She looked at me sympathetically. "Did you breakup with him after that? "

Tumango ako. "Yes. Almost three months na kaming wala."

She nodded as well and wrote something on her clipboard. "Can you tell me more about how you’ve been since the breakup?"

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin sa kaniya lahat ng hindi nagbrebreakdown. Nasasaktan ako sa sarili ko habang iniisip lahat ng pinagdaanan ko pagkatapos naming maghiwalay.

"I’ve been crying a lot... more than you could imagine. Kahit anong gawin ko kasi, naaalala ko siya. Hindi ako makatulog ng maayos because he keeps haunting me to the point that I’ve resorted to using pills para makatulog ng payapa. I’ve lost my appetite. Nawalan ako ng gana sa lahat." Habang sinasabi ko sa kaniya ang mga pinagdaanan ko, nagflalfashback sa akin lahat-lahat kaya hindi ko mapigilang mamuo ang luha sa mata ko. "I feel like there’s no point in anything anymore. At yung pinakamahirap sa lahat ay, hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman sa mga nangyayari. Para akong nababaliw."

"What do you mean na hindi mo alam ang mararamdaman? Can you tell me more about these feelings?" usisa niya.

"Most of times I was in denial. " I tried to smile pero nauwi sa ngiwi dahil hindi ako makangiti ng maayos. "Apat na taon kasi iyon e, hindi ko alam, hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit biglang hindi...niya na ako mahal. " Napalunok ako dahil nahihirapan na akong magkwento. "Possibleng mawala na lang ba ang pag-ibig ng ganoon kabilis? Kung ganon, bakit yung nararamdaman ko sa kaniya, hindi? Bakit hanggang ngayon nasasaktan pa rin ako?" My voice shook. "Sometimes I feel like our breakup isn’t real kasi ang bilis ng mga nangyari. "

Tumango siya sa akin, telling me na nakikinig siya ng mabuti, na naiintindihan niya ako.

"Minsan naman, galit ako. Galit ako sa kaniya kasi sinaktan niya ako ng ganoon kahit wala naman akong ginawa kundi ang mahalin siya. Paano niya iyon nagawa sa akin? Mahal niya ako, di ba?" I laughed a little and forced myself not to cry harder. Pinunasan ko ang luha ko sa gilid saka tumingala muna bago nagkwento ulit. " Pero minsan mas galit ako sa sarili ko kasi hinayaan ko siyang saktan ako ng ganoon. Mas nakakagalit dahil mahal ko pa rin siya sa kabila ng ginawa niya sa akin. Parang hindi makatarungan. I feel like I've been disrespecting myself too much because I can't control my heart."

"In what way do you feel like you're disrespecting yourself?"

I looked at her with tears rolling down my face. I tried to wiped it. "I desperately begged him to love me again. I knelt in front of him, putting myself in the lowest position just so he would come back to me." Napailing ako habang natatawa. "And then, he said no. He ended all my hopes that we could work things out. Na pwede niya pa akong mahalin ulit."

"With all of this happening, have you had any thoughts of hurting yourself or feeling like you don’t want to be here, Amara?"

I pursed my lips, trying so hard na hindi lumabas ang hagulhol ko. I swallowed hard at nahihirapang tumango. "Yes." Halos bulong na sagot ko sa kaniya.

"Thank you for sharing that with me, Amara. You're so strong for being able to admit it. " She held my hand and squeezed it. Nginitian niya ako as if she's comforting me.

"Are you okay now? Have you calmed down?" she asked minutes later. I nodded, so she continued. "Okay then...let me explain a bit more about what you’re experiencing." She looked at her clipboard. "Based on what you've said, you’ve been going through the psychological phases individuals experience when ending a relationship, which we commonly call the stages of separation. "

Tumango ako sa kaniya nang tingnan niya ako, hinting her that I'm familiar with it.

"Una sa stage na 'to is denial. This is when you might refuse to accept the reality of the breakup. Umaasa ka pa that things will get better. Kaya nasabi mo na parang hindi ka makapaniwala na hindi ka na niya mahal, at hindi mo matanggap yung nangyari.

"The next stage is anger. Dito, it is common to feel intense frustration or betrayal. You might direct this anger towards your ex-partner, yourself, or even others who you think contributed to the breakup. In this stage you feel a strong emotional response and a sense of injustice. Kaya napapatanong ka kung paano niya iyon nagawa sa 'yo at bakit parang hindi makatarungan sa part mo."

Nasaktan na naman ako sa narinig pero unti-unti ko ng naiintindihan ang lahat.

"Next to this stage is bargaining. Dito, you might find yourself trying to make deals or compromises. You are hoping to reverse the breakup or ease your pain. You might attempt to negotiate terms with your ex-partner in hopes of restoring your relationship."

Nagflashback sa akin ang pagmamakaawa kong bumalik siya sa akin. So that's how it is.

Dr. Cruz looked at my eyes saka bumuntong-hininga. "Do you know what's next after bargaining, Ms. Tiexiera?"

Hindi ko alam pero bigla akong nag-alinlangang tanungin siya. "What?"

"Depression." She dropped.

I tried to open my mouth to react pero wala akong masabi.

"Depression is characterized by deep feelings of sadness and hopelessness. " She explained when she noticed my reaction. "Yung symptoms nito include persistent sadness, loss of interest in activities, sleep disturbances, changes in appetite, and feelings of hopelessness. " Isa-isa niya. "Which are evident in you based on what you’ve described."

So, I'm depressed huh? May hula na ako doon pero parang nalaglag pa rin ang puso ko sa narinig. I could not help but be sad about it.

"Depression often occurs after bargaining, but it can also happen at other stages. Yung symptoms niya pwedeng mangyari while you're still in denial, while you're still angry, or even before that." She informed.

"Gaya ng sabi mo kanina, your relationship started to change. The uncertainty and the changes you noticed in your relationship may have contributed to a growing sense of unease and sadness. Yung gradual loss of connection, yung feeling of being unappreciated, or yung realization that things were not the same could have been the initial triggers. These stressful experiences might have slowly built up, leading to the development of depressive symptoms even before the breakup occurred."

Natahimik ako. Bigla kong naalala yung mga pinagdaanan ko habang nagbabago siya. Lahat tumutugma sa sinasabi ni Dr. Cruz.

"In your case, naka-experience ka ng severe depression after your bargaining efforts were denied. Yung hindi ka niya pinagbigyan na bumalik sa 'yo after you begged him. You felt hopeless because you saw it as the end, na wala na talagang pag-asa. That’s likely why you ended up taking the medication in an attempt to escape the overwhelming pain. It’s a desperate response to the intense emotional distress you're feeling."

"Magiging okay pa ba ako, Doc?" hindi ko mapigilang matanong. Yung boses ko tunog wala ng pag-asa.

She gave me a reassuring smile. "Of course, Ms. Tiexiera. Do you know what's the final stage of seperation?"

Iniling ko ang ulo ko, "What it is , Doc?"

She smiled. "It's acceptance."

I felt a little comforted after hearing it. Pakiramdam ko may pag-asa pa.

"Acceptance is the stage where you start to come to terms with the reality of the situation. Kapag sinabi nating acceptance, hindi ibig sabihin non na masaya ka na agad at lahat ng sakit ay biglang wala na. Hindi kasi ganon iyon. Acceptance means that you begin to find a way to move forward. "

Napatango ako, telling her that I understand.

"Dito, you might start to feel more at peace with the breakup and begin to let go of the intense emotional pain. Makikita mo yung sarili mo na nagiging interesado ka na ulit sa mga bagay na ineenjoy mo noon at unti-unti ka ng nagiging okay. Acceptance is about acknowledging what has happened and recognizing that na masakit nga ang nangyari, but it’s a part of your life that you can learn to live with."

My heart suddenly felt lighter. My worries subsided, knowing that I won’t be forever stuck... like this. I will not be trapped in this never-ending pain.  "How can I do that, Doc? How can I accept everything?"

"As your psychiatrist, I recommend therapy and medication. Therapy will help you process your feelings and develop coping strategies. It can also help you rebuild your self-esteem, set new goals, and find ways to let go of the past. Medication, on the other hand, can help you manage the symptoms of depression. How does that sound to you?"

Napatango ako. "That sounds okay to me, Doc."

Napangiti siya. "I’m glad to hear that from you, Amara. I'm happy to see you do something to make you okay. As your psychiatrist, I'll be here to support you, pero gusto ko lang malaman mo that the person who can really help you is yourself." She told me. "Your healing relies on your own decisions. Kasi diba, kung sobra-sobra ka ng nasasaktan, hindi ba dapat, bitawan mo na?"

Napatahimik ako ulit doon. It's like she's hinting me something. "Well then, nice talking to you, Ms. Tiexiera. Our consultation ends today. "

I walked in the middle of the blank, dark sky while thinking deeply. Hindi mawala sa isipan ko ang sinabi ng psychiatrist. Napabuntong-hininga ako at tiningnan ang paligid nang yakapin ako ng malamig na simoy ng hangin mula sa dagat.

I smiled as the pain gripped my heart tightly again. Siguro kahit ilang taon pa ang lumipas, hindi na mawawala ang sakit na nararamdaman ko sa bawat oras na may makikita akong bagay na makakapagpapaalala sa kaniya.

Naglakad ako sa puting buhangin at nakikinig sa malakas na hampas ng alon. Nagmuni-muni ako habang iniisip ang gagawin.

"Hindi ka pa ba napapagod, Amara?" Hindi ko mapigilang tanungin ang sarili ko.

Dahil wala na naman akong dapat ipaglaban. Sinukuan niya na ako, sinukuan niya na ang relasyon namin. Ayaw na niyang bumalik, kaya ano pa ang silbe ng lahat ng 'to? Ako na lang ang nakahawak sa kung anong mayroon kami, kahit ang natitirang rason ko na lang naman ay dahil mahal ko pa siya.

Magiging okay ba ako kapag binitawan ko na? Unti-unti bang mawawala ang sakit? Magiging... okay na ba ako?

I sighed and wiped my tears.

I grabbed my phone but stopped a little. I hate myself because I am hesitating.

Para sa akin naman 'to, hindi ba?

I already deleted his number from my phonebook, but familiarity embraced me as I expertly typed each number on my keyboard, as if I had carved every one of them into my mind.

To: 09182******
I wanted to talk.

I waited for a few minutes before I got his answer. It seems like he already knows who texted him. Does he memorize my number too, or does he just know?

From: 09182******
If you're just going to make a scene again, then no.

I bit my lower lip as I felt needles pricking my heart. Hindi na nga talaga siya ang Gahalang minahal ko.

To: 09182******
This is the last time. I promise. You will never hear from me again.

I gripped my phone after sending it. Desidido na ako sa gagawin ko.

If I want to heal and move on, then I need to walk away and stop seeking more pain.

Nagawa ko naman siguro lahat. Naghabol ako. Nagmakaawa ako para maayos lahat. Okay na siguro 'yon. Pwede na siguro akong magsimula ulit. Wala na akong pagsisihan.

From: 09182******
Where are you?

I was nervous the whole time I was waiting for him. I practiced what I wanted to say, but nothing came to mind.

I inhaled sharply when I heard the familiar sound of the car. I became stiff in my place as I felt him walking closer. Hindi ko siya nilingon; hinayaan ko lang siyang lumapit.

I gulped when I smelled his favorite perfume as he sat beside me quietly. My heart thumped, but it hurt at the same time.

I glanced at him and saw him looking at the horizon. I quickly looked away when he turned his head to meet my gaze.

It hurt to look into his eyes. Wala na kasing laman ng pagmamahal 'yon tuwing dumadapo sa akin. The emotions etched in them that I once loved are already gone.

We were silent for minutes. I was so bothered by his presence but didn’t know what to say. I just let the silence calm us down.

I smiled slightly when I remembered a funny memory of us while looking at the waves.

"Why?" he whispered. The cold air didn't make me shiver but his voice did.

"Naalala mo?" I asked him, reminiscing. "Ang dami nating memories dito 'no? Ang sarap balikan." I chuckled and met his eyes that were staring at me.

He gulped and looked away. I watched as he drew figures in the sand. "Did you..." he trailed off, "regret meeting me?"

I laughed painfully. "I didn’t," I answered honestly, "but I wish you hadn’t hurt me that much." Kung alam mo lang mga pinagdaanan ko dahil sa pagmamahal ko sa 'yo.

"I’m sorry," he apologized, as if his apology could mend what he had destroyed. "For what I’ve done."

I just nodded. He stayed beside me after that, but he felt so far away. It made me teary again.

"Paano nga tayo unang nagkita?" tanong ko sa kaniya. Gusto ko lang malaman kung naalala pa niya.

He smiled and chuckled a little as he remembered. "I saw you first sa camping.  Unang tingin ko pa lang, nagandahan na ako sa 'yo." Ngumuso siya, pinipigilang mapangiti. It made me smile a little because that's his habit. "Sabi ko sa sarili ko,'Shit. Ang sungit tingnan. Parang kayang sirain buhay ko.'" he joked and we both laughed.

"What the hell! That's your first impression of me?" I asked, laughing.

"Totoo naman!" he insisted. "You're always frowning tapos kaunting galaw lang kukunot na noo mo."

"Then?"

He licked his lower lip. "Sinearch kita sa facebook siyempre." He chuckled. "Kaso snob ka kaya halos mag-iisang taon na 'yong friend request ko bago mo maaccept. Ilang ulit ko pa nga 'yong kinancel saka nagsend ulit para magnotify sa 'yo pero wala ka ata talagang pakialam." He shared.

"Tapos anong nangyari? Nakalimutan mo na ako?"

He shook his head. " Hindi 'no. Ang daming nangyari. Ilang ulit kitang nakita pero hindi mo ata ako naalala o hindi lang talaga ako gano'n kagwapo para tumatak diyan sa isip mo," he teased.

I rolled my eyes at him while slightly chuckling.

"Ayoko pa no'ng magtransfer ng school pero ginanahan ako nang malamang sa school mo pala ako mag-aaral. Todo papogi pa ako noong first day ko kasi baka makasalubong kita," tawa niya. "Tapos hindi lang pala kita makakasalubong, naging kaklase pa."

"I didn’t really care about you when you introduced yourself. My friends were head over heels for you. I found you attractive, though," I told him.

Mayabang siyang tumingin sa akin, "Kunwari ka lang na suplada no'n pero napogian ka na pala sa akin?"

"Gago," mura ko sa kaniya habang natatawa.

"I really liked you that day," he told me seriously, looking at the horizon. My smile began to slowly fade. "I... made a move on you. I flirted with you. I did everything I could to get your attention and make you like me back. I was there through the ups and downs. I pushed you to step out of your comfort zone. I did everything to put a smile on your face. Until... you let me court you." He smiled after that. "I was over the moon at that time. I told myself, ‘Ikaw na talaga. Sigurado na ako sa babaeng ‘to.’"

My eyes watered while he was telling me those stuff. I cleared my throat kasi pakiramdam ko may nakaharang doon. I looked away from him and wiped the tears rolling down my cheeks.

"You made me happy," I told him in a broken voice. He glanced at me, but I didn't look back. "I was so happy every time I was with you. You were the reason I started enjoying life. You taught me so many things. You were there during my highs and never left my side during my lows. You lifted me up and made me feel like I was enough." I wiped my tears again. "That's why I couldn't help but fall for you."

"You are my first in everything. My first crush. First like. First love. Ikaw din yung first hug ko, pati dance saka kiss. Ikaw lahat ang una. You're my first boyfriend too," I chuckled when I remembered the moment I accept him. He shouted because of happiness. Sa dagat din 'yon nangyari. "I took risks. I disobeyed my parents for you, not because I was afraid to lose you, but because I wanted to be with you."

"The moment you told me you were ready to commit to me made me the happiest man alive," he said. "We dreamed together for years. We made plans for our future without knowing what would happen. We grew together and became the best versions of ourselves."

"We were so in love with each other," I told him.

He was silent for a few seconds but nodded eventually. "Yeah. We were."

I smiled a little. "I don't know why we... ended up like this," I whispered to the wind.

"I didn't expect it either," he said with a small smile. "I was so sure I'd marry you back then."

"Then, what happened?" I asked him.

He look away and gulped. "I don't know," Bulong niya. "I just woke up one day and realized you're not the girl I'm dreaming of having a future with anymore."

That stabbed me in the heart.

"Sayang," sambit ko. "Sayang yung ilang taon. Sayang yung pinagsamahan natin. Sayang yung mga memories. Sayang lahat ng pangako. "

"Pero hindi naman tama kung ipipilit natin, hindi ba?" he asked. "Mas masakit kung pipilitin nating buoin na lang dahil nasasayangan na lang tayo. At least, we have some memories to keep. "

"I wanted to keep the person too. Can't I?" I asked him hopefully.

"Pero wala na," he whispered. "That person doesn't want to be kept by you anymore."

I chuckled the pain away. "Do you love her that much? Mas sobra pa sa pagmamahal mo sa akin na nagawa mo akong lokohin para sa kaniya?"

He gulped and bit his lower lip. He looked so afraid of hurting me pero gusto niya din akong gisingin sa kahibangan na ito. "Maybe. Because if I don't, then siguro hindi ko nagawa 'yon."

"You're heartless." I told him with so much pain. "I don't even know if you were hurt at all when we broke up because every time I look at you, you seem so happy. How can you smile knowing that you destroyed me? It makes me question if what we had was ever real. If you really did love me kasi parang wala lang sa 'yo."

"What we had was real," he whispered. "I...just fucked up."

"Did you shed a tear when we broke up?"

He gulped as he met my eyes. "I...didn't."

Napangiti ako ng mapait. Sinaksak ako ng paulit-ulit.

So, I was the only one crying over those four fucking years we shared. I was the only one crying over the dreams we’d built. I was the only one crying over the promises we made. It hurts that he doesn’t need to move on, that he doesn’t need to get over us.

"Did you even think of me while you were talking to her when we were still together?" I bit my lower lip. My voice trembled. "D...did you even think that what you were doing was wrong?"

"Yes, I did," he answered honestly. "I remembered you every time I talked to her. I felt so guilty. I told myself that you didn’t deserve this. I swear I tried to stop myself from falling for her. I did everything to avoid it. I tried to love you again and reminded myself why I fell for you, pero hindi ko pa din napigilan ang sarili ko. Alam kong masasaktan kita pero nahulog pa din ako sa kaniya. Sorry."

Napaiyak ako sa sinabi niya. Pakiramdam ko, sobra akong natalo. Parang 'yon na ang sign na sumuko na talaga ako. Na sobrang...wala na talaga.

"It’s fine. It wasn’t your fault for liking her. I don’t want to blame you for feeling something that’s beyond your control," Ang tanga kong pakinggan. "But... let me hate you for a while, just until it doesn’t hurt anymore."

"After what I've done, I'll gladly accept your hate, Amara. I can even understand if you won't forgive me."

Napuno ulit kami ng katahimikan.

"You can love her more," biglang sabi ko sa kaniya kaya napatingin siya ulit sa akin. I looked into his eyes too. "But don't love her the way you loved me before. Because if you do, it only means that you really did replace me."

I know this is selfish, but knowing that I occupy a small space in his heart is enough to bring me some peace.

"And don't cheat on her, okay? I hated her to be honest, but don't do that to her. It's...too cruel. "

"I promise." He whispered.

I smiled faintly. "I won't be happy if you're going to treat her better. I'll cry if you're going to love her more than you loved me. It will hurt me deeply if you'll fulfill our dreams with her. It will kill me for a while but someday, I promise you, I'll be happy for the both of you. "

He stared at me for a few seconds and nodded. "You have a good soul, Amara. It also makes me question why it’s not you anymore."

Natawa ako saka pinahiran ang luha ko. Suminghot din ako kasi pakiramdam ko sinisipon ako.

"Make my pain worth it, okay? Be happy with her. Sagadin mo na. Pwede ding pakasalan mo siya. " Mapait na sambit ko but I meant those words.

Tumango ulit siya, "I will."

I smiled at him and wiped my tears before standing up.

Napatayo din siya at pinagpagan ang pantalon niya. "Are you going home now? Let me give you a ride for the last time."

"Huwag na," Iling ko. I didn't want him to see me break down again. I was already struggling to keep myself from crying. "Baka maging tanga na naman ako at hindi na ako makaahon sa 'yo. "

He slowly nodded and stared at me. I stared back at him, memorizing his features and engraving them in my mind before I gave up.

I pursed my lips to stop myself from whimpering as he raised his hand to softly wiped my tears. Everything flashed back when I closed my eyes to feel his warmth. I opened my eyes again when I felt the cold wind dahil binaba niya na ang kamay niya.

"Gahala," I whispered.

"Hmm?" He asked.

"Naalala mo? Dito ko sinabi sa 'yong masaya ako sa 'yo." I smiled at him genuinely even though I can feel myself breaking. "Ngayon naman, masaya ako para sa 'yo. I'm happy for you from the bottom of the broken pieces of my heart. "

I took one last glance at him before turning my back. Doon na ako napaiyak nang makatalikod ako. I covered my mouth to suppress the sound, but I’m sure he heard it.

I walked away from him, crying and with a broken heart. I can feel my whole being crumbling to pieces. My legs were shaking, but I forced myself not to look back.

Nakalayo na ako pero hindi pa rin ako lumingon. Alam ko sa sarili kong umaasa akong hahabulin niya ako at sobrang masasaktan ako kapag nakita ko siyang hindi humabol sa akin.

Our relationship finally ended that day.

Since then, the waves have stopped returning to the shore.