TRIGGER WARNING:
This chapter includes themes of family conflict, emotional distress, and verbal abuse.
READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.
****

"Ang laki ng binagsak niya. Baka nagpabaya."

"O baka nadistract dahil sa paglalandi. "

I couldn't help but gulp as I heard their whispers. Even though some of them weren't saying anything, I knew what they were thinking based on how they stared at me.

I felt embarrassed, hurt, and disappointed. I gritted my teeth in frustration. I wanted to tell them it wasn't like that, that I didn't want it to happen either, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Kasi baka totoo ang sinasabi nila. Na nagpabaya talaga ako. Na masyado akong nadala ng emosyon at nakaligtaan ko ang dapat na prayoridad ko.

I pursed my lips tightly, forcing myself not to explode and break down. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang pamamasa ng aking mata dahil sa halo-halong emosyon. Bumigat nang bumigat ang dibdib ko sa sama ng loob at dahil sa hindi ko masabi kung ano ang mararamdaman ko.

"Congrats, Amara." Napalingon ako kay Louisa nang batiin niya ako habang nakangiti. Instead of feeling grateful, I felt insulted and offended. I know she's mocking me dahil tumaas ang ranking niya tapos ako bumaba.

"Uupakan ko 'yon!" ani Vien matapos umalis ang magkakaibigan.

"Are you okay, Ayel?" Kala asked while observing me, mukhang nakita niya ang reaksiyon ko.

"Mataas pa din naman, Amara! Bawi na lang sa susunod!" Dolly tried to lift my spirits.

No, they couldn't understand. Kasi kung pwede palang bawiin sa susunod, bakit hindi ngayon? Not at this moment?

Nahihilo ako sa nangyayari to the point na nasusuka ako. The pent-up negative feelings, pressure, and frustrations are building up inside of me. Gusto kong ilabas pero hindi ko magawa. Hindi ko alam kung paano. It's causing me stress, na siyang nagpapasakit sa ulo ko.

"Uy, may result na pala?" dating bigla nina Gray kaya napatingin ako sa kanila. "Luh, Gahala! First ka, pre! Congrats! Pablow out ka naman dyan!"

I looked at Gahala who was following Gray. Napatingin siya sa blackboard bago umikot sa loob ng classroom ang mga tingin niya na parang may hinahanap.

His eyes met mine. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin when he quickly walked closer to me. Napaiwas ako ng tingin nang huminto na siya sa harapan ko.

"Are you okay? You look pale," tanong niya kaagad at pilit hinuli ang malikot kong mata.

Marahan kong nilayo ang kamay niya na hinawakan ako. "I'm fine," halos pabulong na sabi ko. "Anyway, congrats," bati ko sa kaniya saka binigyan siya ng maliit na ngiti.

I really wanted to be happy for him, but I couldn't feel an inch of happiness within me knowing na nasasaktan ako sa resulta. Hindi ako naiinggit sa kaniya, wala akong galit o ano. Sobrang baba lang ng tingin ko sa sarili ko ngayon.

Sarili ko lang naman ang kakompetensya ko pero lagi pa rin akong talo.

Nakatitig lang siya sa akin na para bang binabasa ako pero hindi ko na binigyan ng pansin. Hindi ko na kasi alam kung ano ang uunahin kong iisipin. Yung resulta ba, siya, yung nararamdaman ko, o ang magiging reaksiyon nina Mama. Hindi ko mapigilang i-overthink lahat.

Wala ako sa sarili buong araw at hindi rin ako mapakali sa upuan ko. I can see that my friends and Gahala are trying to lighten the mood, pero hindi ko kaya. I can't help but think kung ano ang sasabihin ko mamaya. Should I apologize? Or should I reason out?

Pero kahit ano namang sabihin ko, para sa kanila kasalanan ko pa rin naman. They're not going to listen to my reasons. And besides, I don't have any reason. I can't think of any other reason aside from the fact that hindi talaga ako katalinuhan. I'm born average...mediocre. So it's probably my mistake. I don't have anything to blame but myself.

Naluluha na naman ako just by thinking of that. I exhaled deeply and shook my head, trying to comfort myself.

Hindi na nga ako maka-concentrate habang nagle-lesson kami. Wala na akong maintindihan. I was really forcing myself not to break down dahil ayokong umiyak in public. But it's hard kasi kung ano-anong worst-case scenario na yung pumapasok sa isip ko.

"Woi, Amara."

I came back to my senses from thinking too deeply nang uyugin ako ni Vien. I blinked and looked at her. "Why?"

"Magiging okay ka lang ba?" she asked worriedly.

Kahit hindi sigurado, tumango ako sa kanila. I glanced at my cellphone when it vibrated. It was a text from Ate.

I gave them a fake smile. "Mukhang nandito na ang sundo ko. Alis na ako."

I didn't give them time to respond because I didn't have the energy to entertain them. I know they don't mean any harm, but I'm just too occupied by the nervousness I feel right now. Everything is overwhelming, na hindi ko na sila mabigyan ng pansin.

Habang naglalakad, nagprapractice na ako ng sasabihin at idadahilan ko kung bakit bumababa ako. Ramdam ko din ang panlalamig at kaba. I feel so frustrated at hindi ko mapigilang mabalisa.

Grabe ang tibok ng puso ko nang makalabas ng school. Hinanap ko ang kotse namin pero hindi ko makita kaya inopen ko ang phone ko saka binasa ang text ni Ate.

From: Ate Mavyl
Umuwi ka daw mag-isa sabi ni Mama.

I gripped my phone tighter and gulped hard. I was already panicking. Parang ayaw ko na lang umuwi. Parang gusto ko na lang umiyak sa gitna ng daan.

My thoughts were all over the place as I crossed the road absentmindedly. I heard some shouts, so I looked to the side. My whole body trembled when I saw a car approaching, binubusinahan ako.

Nanigas ako sa aking kinatatayuan at biglang nablangko ang utak ko. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang dapat kong gawin. Itutuloy ko ba ang pagtawid o babalik?

My brain is not capable of functioning and making decisions, kaya nastuck lang ako doon. Ang sunod ko lang na naramdaman ay ang paghigit sa akin paalis doon.

Wala pa ako sa sariling katinuan nang makita ko ang sarili ko sa gilid ng daan. Narinig ko ang nakakarinding pagpreno ng sasakyan at ang pagmumura ng driver. Nawala sa paningin ko ang kalsada nang magkumpulan ang ibang estudyante para tingnan kung ano ang nangyari sa akin.

"Anong ginagawa mo?!" galit na sigaw sa akin ni Gahala.

Nanginginig akong napakapit sa kaniyang damit dahil parang matutumba ako anumang oras.

"Tangina! Malapit ka nang mamatay!"

Napatingin ako sa mga mata niya at hindi ko mapigilang mamuo ang luha sa aking mga mata. "Sorry," basag ang boses na sabi ko. "S-sorry." I tightened my lips together when my tears started to fall.

Ewan ko kung saan ako umiiyak at nagsosorry. Am I saying sorry because he got worried, or am I saying sorry kasi pakiramdam ko kasalanan ko lahat? Alam ko lang na lumabas lang lahat ng emosyong kanina ko pa pinipigilan.

Mukhang natauhan siya sa ginawa niyang pagsigaw matapos makita ang mukha ko. Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi ko dahil mas napahagulhol ako nang yakapin niya ako at marahang hinaplos ang aking ulo.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to raise my voice and scare you," he whispered in a soft voice. "Sobrang tinakot mo ako."

I know some of the students are looking at us, but I just wanted to be comforted right now. I wanted to feel that everything was going to be okay, even though I knew it wouldn't.

I wiped my tears and pulled away from the hug when I calmed down a little.

"Sorry," singhot ko sabay umiwas ng tingin. I bet I looked so funny right now. My face is red. Nakakahiya, baka ampangit ko ngayon sa paningin niya. Tapos may ibang tao pa.

"Bakit ka kasi tumawid?" Marahang pinadaan ang kaniyang hinlalaki sa aking pisngi kung saan dinaanan ng luha.

"Ano, magbabantay sana ng masasakyan," sagot ko saka suminghot pa.

Napatingin siya ng matagal sa akin. "Hindi ka susunduin?" mariing tanong niya, may bahid ng pagkainis.

Napatango ako. "Kaya ko naman."

He looked up and closed his eyes tightly. Mukhang gusto niyang magmura pero pinipigilan niya lang. He sighs deeply before looking at me again. "Halika," higit niya sa akin.

"Saan?"

"Ihahatid kita. Kunin ko lang ang motor." Sagot niya habang hinihila ako papuntang bahay nila. "Mas mapapanatag ako kapag ako ang maghahatid sa 'yo."

"Are you sad because of the results?" maingat na tanong niya habang inaayos ang motor. Pagkatapos non, sinalubong niya ang mga mata ko.

I closed my lips at umiling. Pakiramdam ko may kung anong nakabara sa lalamunan ko.

"Can you tell me what you're feeling, Amara? Gusto kong malaman kung anong tumatakbo sa isipan mo. Your silence is making me worry. Hindi ko alam kung paano kita aaluhin. I just want you to know that your worries are safe with me."

"Natatakot ako." Nanginginig ang boses na sabi ko sa kaniya as my eyes started to get blurry kasi naluluha ako. "Natatakot akong harapin na hindi na naman ako sapat."

My pain resonated in his eyes. He found my hands and squeezed them. Hindi na ako pumalag when he slowly pulled me into his arms. "God, how I hate them for making you feel that way. No one should come home trembling in fear just because their grades dropped a little."

Ramdam ko ang pagcocomfort niya sa higpit ng yakap niya sa akin. I could not help but pour all I've been feeling earlier on his shoulders. Tahimik lang kami while he's tapping me gently, telling me to let it all out.

"Ramdam ko ang pag-comfort niya sa higpit ng yakap niya sa akin. I could not help but pour out all I had been feeling earlier on his shoulders. Tahimik lang kami while he gently tapped me, urging me to let it all out.

"Okay na?" he asked with a smile nang kumalma na ako ng kaunti, as if trying to lighten my burden.

"Yeah," sagot ko, at hindi na umangal nang suotan niya ako ng helmet.

Umalis na kami pagkatapos. Mabagal lang ang pagmamaneho niya and I wish we will just stay like this for a while. Ayoko pang makarating sa bahay. I hope the wind will blow me far away from this place.

I gripped his waist tighter when we stopped outside our house, telling him that I don't want to go in because I'm aware of what's waiting for me inside.

We stayed like that for a minute, and I knew I needed to get off.

He sighed after looking at me, "Are you going to be fine? Don't hesitate to call me, okay? Or chat me o kahit ano. Isang tawag mo lang, pupuntahan kita agad ng walang pag-aalinlangan."

I smiled a little. "Thank you."

He stared at me and hesitated to leave. I laughed with no life. "Alis ka na, ingat ka."

Hindi ko na hinintay ang sagot niya at tinalikuran siya. Alam kong tinitingnan niya ako pero wala naman siyang magagawa. This is the defeated battle that I need to face alone.

Nanghihina ang mga tuhod ko habang papasok. Napalunok ako dahil parang gusto kong umatras at tumakbo na lang palayo. Parang ayaw kong humakbang.

Home is supposed to be a place of comfort. But at this moment, it feels like a haunted house to me.

My heart is beating so loudly out of fear. Sa pagbukas pa lang ng pinto, parang gusto ko nang umiyak.

Nakita ko si Mama na pabalik-balik ang lakad sa sala, parang talagang naghihintay siya na umuwi ako. Papasok pa lang ako ay napatingin siya sa akin. I froze in place when she walked closer in my direction, her face twisted into a horrifying expression I've never seen before. Pakiramdam ko binubuhusan ako ng malamig na tubig sa bawat hakbang niya papalapit.

She welcomed me with a slap that turned my face to the side. I trembled. "4th?! 4th honor?! Hindi ka ba nahihiya?! Ang kapal pa ng mukha mong umuwi sa bahay?!"

I immediately feel the lump in my throat again. My eyes quickly watered, but I kept looking at the floor. I didn't want to meet her eyes because I knew I would burst into tears after seeing pure disappointment in them. My face still stung from the slap, and I knew it would leave a mark.

"S...sorry," garalgal ang boses na hingi ko ng paumanhin.

"Anong gagawin ko sa sorry mo?! Maayos ba niyan grado mo?! Ha?! Do you know what kind of humiliation I felt when your teacher told me na bumaba ka?! Nakakahiya!"

Para akong sinaksak sa sinabi niya. Ang sakit. I tried wiping my tears pero tuloy-tuloy lang sila sa pagtulo.

"She even asked me kung may pinagdadaanan ba tayo dito sa bahay for your grades to decrease that much! My god! I feel so stupid reaching out first to ask how great you did this quarter just because you aced it last time! Ano bang ginawa mo ha?! You were okay last quarter, Amara! O baka naman lumaki ulo mo?" Medyo natawa siya nang may panghuhusga. "Tingin mo pwede mo nang gawin lahat ng gusto mo dahil lang napuri ka ng kaunti?"

Wala akong masagot sa kaniya kasi hindi ko naman alam kung bakit naging gano'n ang grade ko. They will know how much a loser I am if I try to reason out.

"Hindi mo ba ako sasagutin?!"

I sniffed and nervously looked into her eyes. "I don't know, Ma. Gano'n lang talaga ang kaya ko."

"Baka naman iniimpluwensiyahan ka ng mga kaibigan mo? O baka naman nagrerebelde ka?" she asked me like a hysterical person because something didn't go her way.

Umiling ako ng ilang ulit. "Ma, hindi gano'n ang mga kaibigan ko at lalong hindi ako nagrerebelde."

"Kung hindi nga gano'n, siguro may boyfriend ka?" Nanunuyang tanong niya.

"Ma, wala akong boyfriend," tanggi ko kaagad.

She scoffed and raised her brows, clearly not believing me. "Give me your phone." Nilahad niya ang kamay niya sa direksyon ko. "Akin na!" she hissed when I didn't move.

I flinched and immediately gave it to her. I gulped as she tried to open it.

"Password? What's your password?"

"Ma," Pagmamakaawa ko.

"Are you hiding something here?" she asked, full of judgment. "Perhaps you're having a relationship with someone behind our back! Open this!"

Kaagad akong umiling. Wala naman akong boyfriend pero kasi si Gahala. Pareho kaming malalagot.

"Hindi mo 'to bubuksan?! Isa!" She asked using a threatening tone. Her glares and voice are dangerous that it made me step back in fear. She slapped me earlier and I know she can do more than that, especially now that she's angry. She's not her rational self at the moment. "Talagang sinusubukan mo ako ha!"

"Ma," I cried when she pinched my ears as punishment. Sobrang sakit that I thought they'll come off.

"Ma!" my sisters hissed in shock. Kanina pa sila nakikinig at tahimik lang sa gilid.

"Tinatanong kita! Sagutin mo ako! Napakabastos mong bata ka!"

My tears came rushing as I trembled in fear. I wanted to run away from there.

"Ma, tama na 'yan," Ate Mavyl uttered in distress. "She's not worth it," sabi niya, parang pinapaalala iyon kay Mama.

Padaskol akong binitawan ni Mama and it made me wince. I almost stumbled on my stand because of my shaking legs.

"Gosh! Nakakabwisit ka! You are such a disappointment! I don't know what to tell my acquaintances anymore just to cover up your stupidity! From now on, your gadgets are grounded! Ngayon umalis ka sa harapan ko! Nandidilim ang paningin ko sa 'yo! Wala kang kwenta kahit kailan!"

Nanginginig akong umakyat sa itaas. Ilang ulit pa akong natisod sa hagdan at dumagdag pa 'yon sa bigat na nararamdaman ko. Napahagulhol lang ako matapos kong isara ang pintuan ng kwarto ko. Tinakpan ko ang bibig ko para hindi nila marinig ang ingay ko.

Pakiramdam ko, I'm so worthless dahil sa mga pinagsasabi nila. And I'm scared because part of me is believing them.

It wasn't my fault that I was born like this, but they made me feel like I was the one to blame. I mean, I may be a huge disappointment, but I always make sure to do my best naman.

Sobrang sakit ng ulo ko dahil sa stress. Nakatulog na nga ako habang umiiyak at nagising na lang akong mabigat ang pakiramdam. Gutom na ako at ramdam na ramdam ko ang pamamaga ng aking pisngi at mata. Hindi pa ako nakapagbihis at nakapaglinis ng katawan.

Napangiti ako ng mapait. Hindi man lang nila ako tinawag para sa hapunan. Ni hindi man lang nila ako tiningnan kung okay pa ba ako. And yet people call this family?

Hindi ko mapigilang maawa sa sarili ko. I sobbed and wipe my tears. Nagsitulo naman kasi sila. Humahapdi na nga ang mata ko kakaiyak.

Mabigat ang katawan kong tumayo saka naglinis ng katawan. Pagkatapos ay dahan-dahan akong lumabas ng kwarto para kumain at para lagyan ng yelo ang pisngi ko para hindi gano'n kamaga bukas.

I feel so alone while eating. Mag-isa lang akong kumain sa kusina. Nanubig na naman ang mata ko at nahihirapan ako sa paglunok. Hindi ko mapigilang umiyak habang kumakain. Suminghot ako saka pinahiran ang aking luha dahil nalalasahan ko na.

Bumalik na ulit ako sa kwarto pagkatapos kong kumain. Umiiyak akong sumagot ng assignments ko na hindi ko nagawa kanina. Pinilit kong tapusin kahit sumasakit na ang ulo ko dahil bukas na 'to. Masama ang loob kong natulog at nagising kinabukasan.

Tahimik lang ang lahat habang kumakain kami ng agahan. Wala ako sa mood na magsalita at wala din naman akong masabi. At kung meron naman, paniguradong wala silang pakialam.

Walang gana akong nakatingin sa labas nang palabas na kami ng bahay. Bumalik lang ata ako sa katinuan nang may mahagip na pamilyar na pigura. Nanlaki ang mata ko nang makitang nandoon sa labas ng subdivision si Gahala at ang motor niya. Nakaupo siya sa tabi ng gate na parang may hinihintay.

Shit. Kanina pa ba siya doon? Kabado tuloy akong tumingin kay Mama na nagdadrive.

He stood up immediately when he saw our car leaving. Sinuot niya ang kanyang helmet at sumakay sa motor niya.

I gulped and looked at my mother again. Mukhang hindi niya napansin dahil nakatingin lang siya ng diretso.

Napalingon ako kay Ate dahil ramdam ko ang tingin niya. Sumulyap siya sa likod namin kung saan nakasunod si Gahala, at halos malagutan ako ng hininga.

Shit.

Naghintay ako ng sasabihin niya pero wala siyang sinabi at bumalik sa pagbabasa. I don't know if I should calm down because of that or what. Mas kinakabahan ako dahil sa pananahimik niya.

Our car stopped in front of our school at dali-dali akong bumaba. Hindi ko na hinintay si Gahala at nauna na dahil baka makita pa kami ni Mama.

Papalapit pa lang ako sa classroom namin ay nakita ko na sa pintuan ang mga kaibigan ko na naghihintay.

"You're not late," puna ko kay Vien. Kaagad silang napatayo nang makita ako saka lumapit.

I hissed when they immediately slapped my arms. "Gaga ka talaga! Malapit ka na daw masagasaan kahapon?! Paano pala kung hindi ka sinundan ni Gahala ha?!"

I laughed a little, "Wala 'yon."

Napatitig sila sa aking mukha kaya tinaasan ko ng kilay. I was a little nervous kasi baka mahalata nila ang pamumula.

"Sinampal ka?" seroyosong tanong ni Vien kaya napalunok ako. Napatingin ako sa paligid kasi baka may makarinig. It will ruin my Mom's reputation.

"Hayaan mo na, galit lang siya," I told her in a low voice.

"My god, but your cheek is slightly blushing Amara!" Kala hissed silently.

"Gago ampucha, mukhang nilakasan ah," Dolly said with a knitted brows. She raised her hand to touch my cheeks but I flinched at the contact. Napamura si Vien pagkatapos.

"Okay lang," I whispered. "Ayokong pag-usapan."

"Tangina. Anong okay don?!" G na G na tanong ni Vien.

Hindi pa sila makamove on doon pero hinayaan ko na. I feel so exhausted talking about it. Parang pagod na pagod ako. Dumagdag pa si Gahala nang dumating na siya.

"Kumusta ka?" bungad niya kaagad sa akin kahit hindi pa nakakaupo at tiningnan ako sa mata.

"Hindi okay. Pero okay lang," ngiti ko ng kaunti sa kaniya.

They tried to distract me, and I'll just smile so they won't worry that much. I do appreciate the things they are doing, but I just wanted to stay quiet and have my peace for a while. I need some space to think alone.

"Sa lahat ng honor rolls, please proceed to the gym later at 1 in the afternoon. May practice kayo para sa recognition day bukas," reminded Sir.

"Yes, Sir!"

"And please tell your parents to attend the cards day and the P.T.A. meeting tomorrow."

I know, and I'm sure that they already know about that, but I still wanted to remind them.

"Ma, recognition saka cards day namin bukas," I told her in the middle of eating our dinner.

My father and my sister took a glimpse at me, but Mama acted like she didn't hear anything, as if I'm just a passing gust of wind. She didn't even respond.

I just gulped and looked at Papa. Siguro he saw how pitiful I am kaya siya na ang sumagot para hindi ako mapahiya.

"Congratulations, ija. I would love to attend, but Papa's so busy with work. I'm sure pupuntahan ka naman ni Mama," he smiled a little to assure me.

I sighed in relief and nodded my head before I resumed eating.

"Kinakausap ka ng Mama mo?"

Napahinto ako ng kinausap ako ni Papa. I was about to go in my room after dinner. Nasa sala siya at nakaupo, nanunuod ng tv with blueprints infront of him.

"Hindi po," pormal na sagot ko.

He nodded. "Kunin mo na cellphone mo."

Napatingin ako sa kaharap na table niya at nakita ko ang tinutukoy niya. Walang imik ko lang na kinuha iyon.

"Pumasok ka na sa kwarto at magpahinga," utos niya.

Tumango lang ako saka umalis sa harapan niya ng may bigat na nararamdaman.

I locked the door before opening my phone. Kaagad akong sinalubong ng maraming messages galing sa mga kaibigan ko mula pa noong nakaraan. Madami ding missed calls saka video calls.

Hindi ko na binasa isa-isa. Napatingin ako sa convo namin ni Gahala. Plano kong idelete dahil baka maulit yung nakaraan.

I'm also planning to stop him from courting me, which I should have never allowed in the first place.

Naisip ko din kasing baka siya ang dahilan kung bakit bumaba ang grades ko. Masyado akong nadala sa agos niya without knowing that I can't cope up with him. Hindi ako katulad niya na kayang pagsabayin ang pag-aaral at puso.

He did nothing but be kind to me, kaya it made me feel guilty thinking that he's one of the reasons why this happened to me. Mabuti siyang tao. Ayoko ding isipin ng iba na naging bad influence siya sa akin.

We should focus on our studies na lang muna. Bata pa naman kami e. There's a right time for love and any romantic stuff.

Napabuntong-hininga ako nang hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili kong basahin ang mga messages niya because of curiosity.

6:49 p.m

Gahaldon:
I know you're not emotionally okay, but still, I want to know your exact situation and what you're feeling right now. It's okay to rely on me.

6:50 p.m

Gahaldon:
Amara

6:53 p.m

Gahaldon:
Why aren't you answering? Did something happen?

Gahaldon:
Sorry if you find me being nosy ('∩｡• ᵕ •｡∩') but I just want you to know that I genuinely care about you.

7:19 p.m

Gahaldon:
Nag-aalala ako (˘･_･˘)

7:34 p.m

Gahaldon:
Punta kaya ako diyan sa inyo? Hindi ako mapakali

8:01 p.m

Gahaldon:
Nandito ako sa labas ng bahay niyo

Gahaldon:
*Sent a photo*

Gahaldon:
No need to see me or anything. I just feel at peace knowing you're within my reach.

8: 30 p.m

Gahaldon:
Kahit seen lang, okay na ⊂(・﹏・⊂)

Gahaldon:
I feel so hopeless just thinking that you're alone and crying right now, and I can't do anything about it.

8:34 p.m.

Gahaldon:
The moon looks so beautiful. How I wish you could see it. I think it would make you feel better.

8:35 p.m.

Gahaldon:
There are some stars too. And bats...creepy (๑•﹏•)

8:45 p.m.

Gahaldon:
*sent you a voice message*

8:58 p.m.

Gahaldon:
*sent you a voice message*

9:06 p.m.

Gahaldon:
*sent you a voice message*

Gahaldon:
Loll, my voice sounds so funny. Don't listen to it. Pakiramdam ko mas lalo kang malulungkot

9:12 p.m.

Gahaldon:
Open naman ilaw ng kwarto mo, gising ka pa? Rest if you're stress.

9:18 p.m.

Gahaldon:
*sent a video*

Gahaldon:
Sana mapansin (⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡

9:30 p.m.

Gahaldon:
Keleya Amara

9:42 p.m.

Gahaldon:
The lights in your room are off now.

9:43 p.m

Gahaldon:
I know you didn't have a good day today, but I wish you a peaceful sleep. Good night and sweet dreams.

9:44 p.m

Gahaldon:
*You missed a video chat with Gahala*

Gahaldon:
Uwi na ako. Pinapauwe na ako ni Mama (っ˘̩╭╮˘̩)っ

10:01 p.m

Gahaldon:
Nakauwi na ako ng safe. Still worried about you though

Gahaldon:
Good night, Amara. I'll see you tomorrow.

I bit my lip and gulped. I could feel something clenching my heart tightly. Bakit siya ganyan? Ang hirap niyang bitawan.

Keleya:
Heyyy. Thank you for worrying and sorry for the inconvenience.

He replied immediately.

Gahaldon:
Are you really okay? You seemed off earlier (｡•́︿•̀｡)

Hindi na ako nagreply. Parang nagpapaawa naman ako kung sasabihin kong hindi.

Gahaldon:
Hold on, I'll be back after 20 minutes.

Gahaldon:
No, give me 10 minutes 🏃 wait for me

Nagoffline na siya pagkatapos. Nagbilang na lang ako ng tupa sa aking kisame habang hinihintay siyang magonline ulit.

I took a peek outside my window when I heard a motorcycle horn outside. Medyo gabi na kasi at usually wala ng masyadong sasakyang dumadaan.

My eyes slightly widened nang makita ko si Gahala na bumababa sa motor niya at hinubad ang helmet. Tumingala siya at napangiti nang makita ako. Nakuha pa ngang kumaway sa akin! What the hell.

Kinuha niya ang cellphone niya at nagtype. Maya-maya pa ay narinig ko ang sound ng messenger ko.

Gahaldon:
Baba ka hehe ｡◕‿◕｡

I cursed and dahan-dahang bumaba, not really minding na nakapajama ako! Hindi ba siya natatakot mahuli nina Mama at Papa?! I opened the gate slowly and glared at him.

Hindi niya pinansin ang masamang tingin ko saka ngumiti pa. "Hi. Up for a Chuckie?" he chuckled, raising the plastic bag he was holding.

"Gago ka ba?" I hissed at him and slapped his arm. "Paano kapag nahuli ka nina Papa?!"

He laughed, "Sasabihin ko na lang delivery boy ako tapos maling bahay yung napuntahan ko."

"Pakiramdam mo papaniwalaan ka nila?!"

He smiled again, like he was comforting me. "Hindi kita ipapahamak, promise." He raised the hand holding the plastic bag and asked, "Ano? Ayaw mo uminom? Shot o!"

Ngumuso ako, "Gusto, pero huwag tayo dito."

"Ano pang hinihintay mo? Angkas ka na sa akin. Dadalhin kita sa lugar kung saan komportable ka."

Kahit nag-aalinlangan at kinakabahan, sumakay pa rin ako. First time ko atang tumakas sa bahay at para sa isang lalaki pa! My rational side always flew away kapag siya na ang usapan.

I wasn't surprised anymore when he stopped near the sea. Nakaramdam ako kaagad ng kapayapaan when I felt the sand beneath my feet.

Umupo ako sa buhangin at tumabi siya sa akin. Binigyan niya ako ng Chuckie at walang imik ko iyong tinanggap before whispering a, "Thank you."

While sipping slowly, hindi ko maiwasang hindi mapatulala habang nakatingin sa mga alon na pilit inaabot kami. Tahimik lang din siya at ramdam ko ang panaka-nakang tingin niya sa akin.

I looked up at the sky and it was full of stars. The moon was even shining brightly. He was right when he told me that it would make me feel better when I see it.

Siya, ang dagat, at buwan. Ang payapa.

Napatingin ako sa kaniya nang sikuhin niya ako ng marahan. "Hmm. Bakit?"

Ngumuso siya, "Ang tahimik mo. Anong iniisip mo?"

"Lagi naman akong tahimik," I pointed out.

"Iba ang tahimik mo ngayon. Mas gusto ko pang masungit ka eh. Sungitan mo ako bilis," pamimilit niya. "Hindi ako magagalit. Discounted ka ngayon sa akin."

"Wala ako sa mood," tawa ko ng kaunti.

He sighed while looking at me. "Pero yung totoo? Kumusta pakiramdam mo? May nararamdaman ka na ba sa akin?"

I laughed. "Siraulo ka," I smiled at him, "Okay na ako."

"Hay. Ano ba 'yan. Ang lungkot-lungkot mo," nguso niya saka ako hinawakan sa braso para higitin.

He pulled me into a warm embrace. I felt him brushing my hair, comforting me. I gulped and it made my eyes water a little. "Tahan ka na," he whispered. "Hindi kita chinachansingan ha."

Natawa din siya, "Joke lang 'yon!"

Napapailing ang ulo na pinunasan ko ang gilid ng mata ko. Hindi talaga siya matino kahit kailan. I really appreciate him though.

I'm sure he will find a girl better than me someday. He deserves the world.

Niyakap ko ang tuhod ko saka tinuntong ang panga ko doon. I took a peek at him while he was looking at the sky. Tinaas niya ang kamay niya saka parang inabot ang bituin. He smiled and it made me smile too pero may kasamang kirot sa puso.

"Gahala," I called him softly.

He turned to me, and his eyes glinted. "Hmm?"

I looked away, "Sorry ha?" I almost cried when I said that.

"Sorry? Para saan?" I could hear the curiosity in his voice.

Lumingon ako sa kaniya saka umiling. "Wala," ngiti ko. "Basta, sorry."

Sa susunod ko na sasabihin. Hindi ko kaya ngayon.

The night ended peacefully, but my heart was so heavy. Hinatid niya ulit ako sa bahay namin matapos maubos ang mga pagkaing dala niya. Tinulog ko na lang ang lahat ng mga inaalala ko.

Kinabukasan, napapangiti na lang ako ng hindi abot sa mata habang nakatingin sa mga awardees na kasama ang mga Mama nila. I suddenly felt envy because their parents looked so proud of them.

Wala pa ang aattend sa akin ngayon. Hindi ko alam kung sino ang pupunta sa akin o kung may pupunta ba.

Pabigat nang pabigat ang nararamdaman ko nang malapit na ang section namin, pero wala pa ring umuupo sa tabi ko na reserved para sa parents o guardian.

Gusto ko na lang umiyak habang tinatawag na ang pangalan ng mga kaklase ko tapos wala pa din akong tagakuha ng recognition letter.

Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi ko habang mag-isang umaakyat ng stage. Pilit kong pinipigilan ang pagtulo ng luha ko.

Grabeng parusa naman 'to, Ma. Sobrang sakit.

Kung sino pa ang kadugo mo, sila pa ang mag-iiwan sa 'yo sa panahong nasa ibaba ka. Gano'n sila. Pamilya ka lang kapag nasa taas ka na.

"Where are your parents?"

Kahit hindi kaya, ngumiti ako ng pilit kay Ma'am Biona na nagbibigay ng recognition.

"Busy... Ma'am."

She just nodded, and I suddenly felt scared walking to the middle of the stage. I could feel all of their stares, and I felt so lonely when I faced the audience alone.

Pakiramdam ko sobrang kawawa ko. I feel so pathetic. So please self, don't cry. Dignity is all that's left with us right now.

"Hoy! Saan kayo pupunta?!"

I could not help but look to the side even with blurry eyes. I saw my friends being scolded by one of the teachers facilitating the ceremony.

"Ma'am, anak ko po 'yan!" Vien said, clearly annoyed, while pointing at me. Kala and Dolly were with her.

Ma'am's brows furrowed in confusion, but my friends ignored her. They came over to me, smiling, and my tears flowed freely.

"Oh, anak, proud kami sa nagawa mo!" they exclaimed.

They urged me to look in front. I smiled when I saw Gahala there, holding a camera. Tita beside him gave me a thumbs up.

I wanted to cry again but ended up laughing as my friends struck poses. Feel na feel nilang model sila at kung ano-ano ang ginawa sa harap ng madaming tao! Sobrang nakakahiya. Kahit ang mga nanunuod ay natawa sa kanila.

My classmates were bashing them and telling them to get down from the stage. Tawang-tawa din sila sa kalokohan nang umalis kami sa stage.

Gahala approached us and ruffled my hair. Bumigat ulit ang pakiramdam ko at napanguso nang punasan niya luha ko.

"You did great, Amara," he smiled, and I nodded, thanking him.

After the ceremony, we returned to the classroom to check our cards. I wouldn't be able to see mine, though, since I didn't have a parent with me.

"Nakita mo na card mo?"

"Hindi pa po Tita," may kaunting ngiting sagot ko sa Mama ni Gahala when she approached me. His son is busy talking with his friends pero napasulyap din sa amin nang mapansin kaming nag-uusap.

"Halika, tingnan na 'tin," she smiled.

" Wala po akong parent kaya hindi ko po matitingnan," alanganin kong sabi.

She laugh so kindly, "Kaya nga, halika na. Ako parent mo."

Nalito ako sa sinabi niya pero sumunod din sa kaniya papalapit sa mesa ni Sir. Takang napatingin naman sa amin si Gahala na nasa broom box.

"Sir, pwedeng matingnan card ni Miss Tiexiera?" Tita asked Sir.

"Parent, Mrs. Gahala?" Sir asked and smile at us kindly.

"Ako po? Hindi po pwede?" hindi ko alam kung seryoso si Tita doon! I can't help but blushed a little because my classmates looked at me with a teasing smile.

"Any relation with Ms. Tiexiera, Ma'am?" litong tanong ni Sir.

Gahala's Mom laugh, "Mother-in-law. Bawal ba 'yon?"

I blushed more when she said that! Hindi ko ineexpect 'yon! I groan lowly. Ako ang nahihiya!

"Ma!" saway ni Gahala habang bahagya ding namula, nahihiya sa ginagawa ng Mama niya. His friends are even teasing him.

His Mom laugh at her silliness. "Ano?! Ikaw na nagsabi na tawagin ko siyang Anak!" she said that made her son die because of embarrassment.

Tita turned to Sir again with a smile on her face, "Bawal ba 'yon Sir?"

"Pwede naman siguro 'yon," even Sir laughed! Ugh.

Napanguso na lang ako nang makuha nga namin ang card ko para matingnan. Bumaba nga ako ng ilang points sa halos major subjects kaya gano'n.

"You did a good job!" Tita cheered me up.

I smiled that didn't reach my eyes. "Thank you po."

I feel guilty all of a sudden. Sasaktan ko yung anak niya. But I'm sure, she will understand why.

Nagsimula na ang mga meeting ng parents kaya pinatalbog kami ni Sir paalis ng classroom. Dumiretso na lang kami ng uwi dahil wala namang klase.

"Nakakasama ng loob ang Mama mo,"

From thinking deeply, I chuckled and turned to Gahala upon hearing what he said. I asked him to walk me home, trying to buy myself some more time.

"Hayaan mo na. Okay lang 'yon. " I assured him.

"Hindi okay 'yon! Sobra sobra na siya! Kung hindi mo lang 'yon Mama e!" Inis na rants niya pa. Nasa unahan ko lang siya habang nagsasalita. Nakatingin lang ako sa likod niya saka napangiti ng kaunti. Akala mo siya yung hindi sinipot e.

"Gahala," tawag ko ko saka lumunok. Pabigat nang pabigat ang nararamdaman ko.

Nilingon niya ako ng may kunot ng noo. "Bakit nandiyan ka sa likod ko? Dito ka sa tabi. Hindi pa ako tapos magrant. "

I bit my lower lip. "May sasabihin ako,"

Napatigil siya sa paglalakad kaya napahinto rin ako. Nakangiti niyang nilingon ako. "Hmm?"

Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko. Natatakot akong tingnan kung paano mapapawi ang ngiti sa labi niya. Bakit siya ganiyan? Nakakainis naman.

"Ano 'yon?" ulit niya nang hindi ako magsalita.

Parang gusto ko na lang umurong dahil dinadaga ang aking dibdib. Mas gusto ko na lang maging duwag at sa chat na lang sabihin, tapos hindi ko na lang siya papansinin after but Gahala didn't deserve that.

Napaiwas ako ng tigin saka natahimik ng kaunti bago nagsalita ulit. "Tigilan mo na ako,"

"Huh?" His brows furrowed in confusion.

I sigh deeply and looked at his eyes. "Tigilan mo na ako. I mean, yung panliligaw mo. Ayoko na." Pagod kong ngiti.

"Bakit sasagutin mo na ako?" biro niya pero halatang kinakabahan. He's even starting to panic.

I pursed my lips tightly. Ilang ulit ko na 'tong pinagpraktisan sa salamin pero nakalimutan ko na lahat ng dapat kong sasabihin.

"I...," I don't know what to say. "I wanted to focus on my studies right now. Naiintindihan mo naman diba? I don't want any distractions. Bata pa naman tayo Gahal--"

"So, distraction lang talaga ako sa 'yo, Amara?" he asked with a hint of pain in his voice.

Hindi ako nakasagot sa tanong niya. Natatakot akong sabihin ng harap-harapan sa kaniya na, oo. Isa siyang distraksiyon sa buhay ko.

My silence made him laugh dryly again and shake his head. "You don't need to say anything. I already know your answer," he said bitterly.

"I'm sorry," I apologized, feeling guilty.

"Am I bothering you too much?" He asked again with a sad smile.

Huminga ako ng malalim at umiwas ng tingin. Ayokong sagutin ang mga tanong niya. Pakiramdam ko mas lalo ko siyang masasaktan.

"Am I, Amara?" he asked again na parang nakasalalay sa sagot ko kung bibitaw siya o hindi.

I inhaled sharply. "Yes, you're making things hard for me," I whispered.

Tumango siya saka lumunok. Umiwas siya ng tingin. "Did you ever like me even just a bit?" he asked.

"Gahala," I pleaded.

"Okay, I'll take that as a no. That hurts. I thought we're already having a mutual understanding. But I was completely wrong."

I opened my mouth but closed it immediately. I wanted to tell him that it's true. But that would only complicate things further.

"Look, I'm... I'm sorry if I made things difficult for you. I tried really hard not to... because I don't want to be a burden to you," his voice trembled slightly. I noticed his cheeks reddening, but he looked away. "I'm sorry you ended up like this because of me."

"I'm sorry," I said softly.

"It's okay," he whispered painfully. Hindi niya na muling sinalubong ang mata ko.

Yet, I could still see his sadness in his side profile. The emotions etched on it pierced my heart. He bit his lower lip, forcing himself not to break down in front of me, which made me swallow hard. 

"You're so brave for cutting me off, Amara. Thank you for giving me a chance to show how much I like you. "