There are so many things I want to tell you
Like
How much I look up to you (even though your shorter than me)
How good you are at everything
How I wish I was you
How much you matter to everyone
But if I told you these things
You'd call me an attention whore.
Wouldn't you?

I'm a terrible friend
I know I am
Not having a solid friend ever,
And the longest friendship I had before was a couple of months long,
I was born to be a loner
That way,
If I died,
No one would care.

I'm a cruel person.
I am heartless.
I'm violent.
That's what I seem like to people on the outside
But on the inside,
I'm just broken.

A girl that sits next to me in French class was talking to me.
Somehow, the topic of self harm came up.
She didn't understand how cutting and causing pain released pain.
I laughed.
Of course she wouldn't know.
She has everything.
I wanted to scream at her
Shout at her.
"Be glad your parents care about you!"

"Be happy you can actually make people proud!"
I just smiled and turned away saying
"Ask a person that's gone through it."
She laughed
"Have you gone through it?"
I froze. Though she didn't notice.
"Of course you haven't. You find pleasure in other peoples pain."
I cringed.
So I'm a sadist now?
That's nice.

I cried that day.
Because...
I want someone to support me and be there for me..
But they aren't.
Like everyone else.
They got fed up of me.
Bored of me.
Tired of me.
Your going to leave me too~

Even though you fear being left alone,
Everyone in our class would appreciate if you left me alone.
Forever.
Because your too good.
And you hanging out with me
Isn't good for you.

So many people ask me how we are friends.
When your out on trips that I'm not going on,
I don't really mind it.
But the people really get to me.
They criticize me.
"She's only your friend for pity"
"She doesn't care about you"
"Stop thinking your good at everything. We are only nice to you because then _____ will like us"
"Stop copying her! Your such a bitch!"

It hurts😆
But no one cares.
I just have to smile😃
And act like it all fine.
So they don't know I told you.

It's the same all the time.
I'm never good enough you see.

A/N
I realized that chapter 17 had an issue and published only 'jh'. I have fixed the issue and now you can read the whole part!