When I was fifteen, I remember sitting on my living room floor crying.

I had been in a constant feeling of shit for the past two weeks (and for the rest of the next 4 months) due to a breakup and like every girl undergoing this angsty life-fucking tragedy, I was an active participant in the 'Boys-suck-I'm-never-dating-again-I-hate-everyone' club.

My mom sat across from me on the rug and watched the unattractive clumps of snot dribble down my bottom lip.

"Mom" – I sniffed – "Breakups suck. Goddamit – they're...they're just so stupid."

She grabbed my one shoulder, handed me a tissue, stared in my watery eyes and said in the most soothing motherly voice, "And there's many more after this one."

Someone fucking hand her the 2018 Mom of the Year award.

Her words sunk in and I remember for the next 10 seconds, my mind went into fight or flight mode:

WTF.

Why would you say something like that?

Nothing can get worse than this.

No way. I refuse to believe there could be a worse feeling. I'd honestly rather get hit by a truck – that'd probably feel way better.

But even when my initial reaction was to flee, to deny any thought of further pain, to run away from the uncomfortable truth – there was still a tiny part of me that knew she was right.

I instantly hated my mom in that moment.

I almost felt entitled to feel good – isn't that what we're told?

When someone feels like crap, it makes sense to try and make them feel better – feed them words of encouragement, positive affirmations, motivational advice to stay optimistic.

After a couple of days passed, I was still caught up in why my mom would say such an awful thing.

Now I get it.

It's such a simple reason yet we choose to ignore this way of living.

I know this is what you and anyone else going through a cluster of fucking disasters wants to hear:

"Everything is going to be okay."

Let's be real – life doesn't care if you're going to be okay or not. No matter how many times you hit life's curveballs out of the park, it'll just keep pitching you more problems.

But, Azia! What about the special people who are happy 100% of the time? They have no problems. It's not fair.

1. They're not special. Those people are no different than you and I. Economically – maybe. But there are hundreds of depressed billionaires counting down their last days, meanwhile there are the happiest workers that work minimum wage jobs.

2. There's no such thing as being happy 24/7.

What makes the happiest people admirable and 'happy' isn't that they have less problems. They probably have the same amount of problems as you and I.

But if they have the same amount of problems, how come they're happier?

They're the happiest because they make better choices when it comes to which problems they care about.

They accept that problems will never leave.

They give a damn about the important things that relate to their values, and if need be, change their values to make their problems easier to handle.

Getting angry at the slow driver ahead of you, or the parking meter guy that gave you ticket, or the person chatting it up with the cashier in the long grocery line isn't worth it. You cussing out doesn't make anyone feel better – it makes the other person resent you and it stirs up your frustration even more.

When you're 70, are you really going to think back to the time Joe cut you off in the parking lot? No – when you're 70, all you're going to hear is people telling you how grumpy and easily frustrated you were.

Okay, Azia – when it comes to small stuff, don't sweat it. I get it. But what about the things that matter – the things that really hurt. How can I not care about that kind of stuff?

No matter if it's a tragedy or something as small and mundane as dropping your phone, it's the same formula being applied.

There will always be problems. There will always be suffering. Ignoring this truth doesn't mean it will go away. Knowing that problems will still be alive and kicking way past your death date gives you a reason to view your problems in a new perspective. Just because there's a rock in your path doesn't mean you're going to keep kicking it, hoping it will move. No – you got to find another approach to get around it.

The key to happiness is not constant positivity or eternal optimism. It is accepting that pain will never end, it's embracing you are wrong, it's being okay with struggling through relationships, family, career, and self because whatever you're choosing to keep in your life is worth suffering for.

Humans will do anything for that sense of safety. We gravitate towards certainty because humans hate not knowing.

However, letting go of that need to be certain and opening your arms to ambiguity is freeing yourself from problems you can't control and making the problems you choose to face a little less sucky.

Doing this - you will feel less agitated by how someone else feels. You stress will minimize. The next rejection will hurt less. Failures will be easier to learn from. I promise you – your level of resilience will skyrocket.

Let go of this fear that your heart will break again.

Because it will.

Let go of this fear that you may not find 'the one'.

No one promised you anything.

Let go of this fear of loneliness.

Notice how much of your life is spent with others. Cherish the moments where you are alone. Get to know yourself before you know others. Learn to accept yourself before you accept others.

Let go of this need for more, because life will constantly give, even when you don't ask.

Notice how the best things you never expected or never wished for or ever imagined just...happened?

My mom told me that there's more pain to come – heck, I'm pretty sure she followed up with her comment: 'Azia, the heartbreak coming your way may be even worse.'

And she said that to protect me.

Her motherly instinct wanted to keep me away from this society-constructed notion that healing comes from constant optimism, that we take instant gratification as a cure for long-term pain because it's easier, that we need to keep the people we love away from things that hurt them so they can avoid suffering and usher them closer to things that make them feel good.

Stop stuffing your brain with this nonsense. Believing in this is putting yourself in this pathetic loop where you feel entitled to always feel good, that you think you don't deserve this pain or problem and will refuse to take responsibility for your feelings because of your own goddamn righteousness.

Newsflash: No one will pity you. People may be at fault or blamed for what they do to you, whether that be breaking your heart, or stealing your shit, or taking your parking spot. But the art of acceptance comes from taking responsibility for your thoughts and feelings.

To accept inevitable pain and focus on the problems that matter to you and align with your identity makes your problems less worse, your suffering easier, and brings you steps closer to a more peaceful life.

And you can start to channel all this freed up time and energy on more meaningful things that are within your control; things that make you happy.

Now you want to start – you want this happy life full of acceptance. I made it sound so simple because it is.

But I didn't say it was easy. It takes work, it means going against your natural human instinct to avoid pain and negative emotions, it takes time and patience to tell your initial reactions to F off. You're going to have to pull out your entitlement and righteousness that's been stuck up your ass since you've been spoon fed. And it's going to hurt. Bad.

However, I can promise that the pain you will undergo is worth experiencing, learning from, and embracing as this new journey will put your anxiety to rest, put your restless heart at ease, and bring your life to completeness.

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Author Note:

Let me know if this post brought you any help or enlightened you in some way.

Say something if you want to learn more on 'how to'! :)

Comment with #whatsyourclapback if this post taught you anything!

Eager to hear what you have to say – I absolutely love hearing from you all. It makes my day.

Azia

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