I am so sorry for disappearing.

From the bottom of my heart I am so, so sorry.

Something happened seven years ago. I found out my drug addiction had affected my little brother so badly, he was divorcing his husband.

What a force my addiction must have been, to break such a fierce love.

So I decided to turn my life around. I decided to turn my life around, and sought help. They didn't put me in prison, as I had believed they would. Instead, they helped me. Oh, that willpower within me was something else. I fought. I fought so badly. I wasn't letting heroin break the love between me and the Catholic priest I had come to love as well...

I haven't used drugs since. Today, I am seven years free. My abstinence was so bad to begin with, I needed medical help. For two years, the longing for the drug was so great, I thought I might die.

But the longing after that Catholic priest was even greater.

For two years, I couldn't focus on anything else which is why I disappeared. And then, I realised I wanted to have something to show for myself before I contacted you again.

I am no longer a children's oncologist. I work in a GP practice, and am very happy there. I am very happy in general.

But I want to meet you. I want to get to know you. That first worship service when I saw you, I felt my heart click into place. You are beautiful. God, Father, you are SO beautiful.

And now you have seen my face, I hope it doesn't scare you away.

I will come to your cathedral, at midnight. Please, leave the door to your cathedral unlocked, as well as the door to your heart. Please, see me in the confessional. Please...

With love,

Madara, xx

Tears were streaming down my face. I was full-on ugly-crying. How? How could life be so wonderful? How could life be so absolutely perfect? What had I done to deserve so much goodness? Thank God.

I wanted to tell someone. My mind first went to Izuna, but I immediately felt I hesitated. We had helped each other, him and I, but maybe, we were at road's end. I had helped him, at least to the best of my abilities, with his relationship with Tobirama, and what came after. He had opened my heart up for love that night me and my brother shared him. But we would only hurt each other now.

And my mind went to Tobirama, and there, it found a place to rest. My beloved little brother. I remembered how much we had both loved it when I stayed over at his apartment after our boat trip, and how I had slept with my arm around him. Maybe, I thought, I would ask him if I could crash at his place for a while, get a change of scenery from my room in the cathedral cellar. Maybe, I could stay there until I could rent a place of my own.

But for some reason, I felt hesitation when thinking about contacting him in this moment as well. I would definitely talk to him about living together, but for now... Maybe, the only one I needed was God?

And myself.

I changed to my running clothes and shoes. I went out, and I started running. Throughout the city and into the park, where me and Izuna had taken our walk so long ago, and where I still went on walks and runs from time to time. I was trembling, I noticed when I started running, so that became the measurement for how long I would run; slowly, as my mind focussed on moving me forwards instead of what had happened, and what would happen at midnight, the trembling stopped, and I turned back. On my way back, my mind took me to all sorts of places.

Do you really want this to happen?

I felt I had broken free from God long ago, but it still was a new way of thinking and believing for me that I wasn't all that used to. I contemplated the reason behind celibacy; to enable priests to dedicate themselves entirely to God. But just because it was a rule, did it have to mean it was right? Since when was it healthy to dedicate yourself whole-heartedly to one thing only? I thought about doctors, and teachers, and other hard-working groups, and how they balanced work with other things in life to be able to perform better at their jobs. What was there to say it wasn't the same with priests? What was there to say that if they, or we, were allowed balance, we wouldn't feel even more connected to God? And even if I obeyed the rule of solitude, if I didn't go down to the confessional at midnight but stayed in my room, making Madara cry tears of pure loneliness, I would, under no circumstances, be free of distraction. My heart wouldn't be with God entirely, no matter if I went to the confessional at midnight or not, because my heart was already partly with Madara.

It didn't matter, thought. What I personally thought didn't matter. If you played the game, you had to accept its rules, no matter if you liked them or not.

I did not accept them. Not anymore.

I showered. I got dressed. Not in my priest robes, but in casual clothes. A white-and-marine striped sweater. Beige chinos. My wet hair up in a clip.

And I went up.

Half past eleven, I sat down on my side of the confessional, the first time I had ever been in it with casual clothes. It was the longest thirty minutes of my life, so long it made me realise exactly how long forever in heaven would be, a place I wouldn't know because I was nowadays a sinner, unless I made a confession which I couldn't do. I just couldn't, because I didn't believe in it anymore.

The heavy bells of the cathedral struck midnight. The sound of brass against brass echoed through the walls to the floors and into my heart through my soul, making my bones vibrate.

One... Two... Three... Four...

All twelve strikes before the door opened...

And he entered.

I didn't say anything, but let him come to the confessional on his own accord. I could hear him hesitate; he didn't know I was in here. It suddenly struck me, as he sat down on his side, that he might believe I had decided not to come, and that he was currently grieving, because he thought I wasn't there. It tore my heart in two.

So I spoke. I spoke to the man I had grown to love without ever seeing his face.

Whom I still loved now I had seen his face.

"Hello, Madara", I said softly.

And I had been right when I said he believed I had decided not to come, because he burst into tears of relief.

And I smiled, because now I knew I was allowed to comfort him, that I would let nothing in the world stand in the way for us.

"You have quite a sense for drama", I said. "Choosing midnight."

At this, he laughed through his tears.

It rang more clearly than brass against brass.

It was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard in my entire life.