Hey guys! I'm back from the dead! Back to life, back to reality. (Unlike Kanan.) IM SORRY IM SORRY THREE MONTHS LATER AND IT STILL HURTS!!!!
First of all Mr. Filoni how DARE you interfere with the future of my ship and send my baby away on the back of the SPACE WHALES WHILE SABINE SETS OUT TO FIND HIM BC SHES THE ONLY ONE HE CAN COUNT ON SKBSKSBKSBSK.
You can tell I have many feelings. So for my first fic back I'll treat all of y'all with some good ol' ANGST AND EMOTIONS. Specifically, Sabine's emotions regarding Ezra's absence. And as for Ezra... well you tell me Filoni WHERE THE FORK IS HE????
Aren't you glad I'm back 😂😂
Thank you so much for your patience and awaiting my return by the way, guys. You give me the motivation to continue and I'm so grateful.
Anyways. On with the show!

Sabine sat on her bunker, the numbness encapsulating her. Before her world was explosions of colour, the presence of people felt. Hera, wings soaring, dashes of green and misty greys as she saved them again and again from certain death, warm orange that made Sabine feel welcome, wanted, loved. Zeb, bright splashes of purple as loud as his laughter, as fierce as his roar. Gentle yellows and greys as he reminisced to her about his homeworld and vivid gold when his leadership and goodness showed through. Even chopper, that cantankerous little sleemo, all oranges and reds of mischief and hums of blue when his he showed his heart.

But now? Now she felt absences. Kanan. Kanan who's warmth, his kindness, his sarcasm, his strength, his hurt. Those that enveloped her im warms greens and tragic, deep blues that made you want to cry and laugh all over. The reassurance that he was there, he was always going to be there, a shoulder to cry on, the glue of the ghost.
Except he wasn't there now.

Oh, sometimes he was. Sabine could tell Hera especially felt it - the brush of her shoulder, steps climbing up a ladder. But more often than not now, Sabine could tell that Kanan wasn't there. No more green as he didn't pass or stop to say hello. No more woody brown as he looked deep into Hera's eyes or flashes of fierce electric blue as he taught Ezra and the pride he felt.

Ezra. Ezra....
The hurt that panged, stung as she mourned Kanan passed and reawakened in flashes of moments, in a cycle of loops and turns. But the absence of Ezra was something continual, something she couldn't bear. The loss of those drops of orange that echoed when he laughed, those occasions that became so rare and his laugh became more and more special. The bright sky blue of his mirth, or the swish of cornstalks and grass as he talked of his parents and Lothal. That warm... something as he looked at her, despite him being her best friend, that reminded her of the stars in his eyes when he first saw her. They never really died, she realised, and she looked deep within herself and reckoned that had they had more time, less war and not such devastating losses, they might have blossomed into something more. But it was too late.

She knew it was too late. She should have known it from the moment they stared deep into each other's eyes as he told her, without speaking, just by connecting, what he was going to do. And how she, self-sacrificing and honourable Mandalorian that she was, would understand. She hated it. Hated that she couldn't have done something, hated that she knew deep down she had to let him go. Even though that tiny, infinitely small part of her wanted to reach out, grab him, launch into his arms, she couldn't. She had to let him go one last time through the vent, without a goodbye. And then he saved them all. Saved Lothal. And he was gone.

She felt the numbness reach out into pain, and she blocked it off. But oh, it was hard. When she looked at the painting above Zeb's bunk, or above hers. See his smiling face as she closed her eyes at night, the twinkling ocean blues and copper skin. The laughter, the mischief, the dorky jokes, the kindness, the anger and the protection he had over her, even when she told him she didn't need it. Especially then. He always understood, knew she was rock hard and yet provided a shoulder to lean on. And she never properly accepted it. Now she was tormented in the waking hours, missed him so hard she felt like she couldn't breathe. She could hear his voice, the swish of his hair from when he was younger, smell the after-refresher soap. She ached, she burned, she swore at herself - why hadn't she taken the chance when she had it? And now, once again, too late.

Except... Kanan's absence was felt like a knife through her chest, clear as ice. But Ezra's - it shifted. She could feel it. Somewhere, out there, he was there. Cracking his jokes, saving the galaxy, being noble and kind and true. And he would return. But now, for his sake, she had a job to do.

She's explained it to Hera. They, her, Chopper and Zeb, were leaving to fight for the Rebellion elsewhere. And while that would have been Sabine's plan too, she knew she couldn't do it without Ezra. She owed him too much - owed it to him to keep his planet safe, out of the hands of the Imperials and fight alongside his people. So as her heart snapped further in two when she felt that piercing green when Hera realised she was about to leave her, she finally, finally broke. She cried the tears she didn't have time to shed for Kanan, the ones she wished had fallen for Ezra. When she clutched at Zeb's fur, held Chopper as he purred. They'd keep in contact, she knew, but she couldn't go with them. She wept for every moment that had passed, every sign that she'd missed, not just that he loved her (she knew that) as her best friend, her partner in crime, but that he loved her - even when she rejoined her family. Again, she knew she couldn't do that without him now. She despised herself for it, but she had finally woken up to what she'd missed. And how she only realised she loved him back when he was truly gone.

Only a part of her strayed, hoped, that he wasn't. He said that he would be back, and when he looked at her, said he knew he could count on her, his eyes had never been bluer or more sincere. She had to uphold that. He could count on her, he always could, and she should have been - she should have been more there for him. A part of her ached when she saw Kanan taking advantage of the last moments he had with Hera, to tell her that despite the war there could still be love. Hera's strength had always told her that she put herself and the Rebellion first. But Kanan reminded her that there was an after - and the lack of time meant that they could live it now. Only now Sabine knew the last message he was trying to send to her. War happened, and there was no time. But there could have been. Now, she had to make up for it. Help the people of Lothal keep the Empire at bay. For Ezra, it was worth it. For Ezra.

I'm sorry its short! Haven't really had time to prepare, that was all improvisation lmaooo. But I hope you enjoyed it, as the taster it is nonetheless. I'll be back soon with more, gotta get my ideas ready (and watch Solo bc GODDAMN I DIDN'T GET TO SEE IT) In the meantime adios, amigos!