Title: Beyond Midgard
Author: SailorofNaglfar
Reviewer: AngusInk

1. Plot (30/40 points, C+):

There isn’t much to note about the plot since it is the first chapter, but what we can note is just how long it is. Summarizing the events we see that Ashild, the main character, makes plans with her friends, on the way encounters a shapeshifter, to which she is known to be the center point of a third-party conflict, goes home after said conflict, and follows the “good” guys through a portal once they save her. As for what happens, it is a relatively long read with minimal actually happening. What it does have though, are characters. We learn many people’s backstories and personalities — which just meshes them together and makes them forgettable, even had that section where you explained every character and who they were for four paragraphs straight which wasn’t fun to read — cluttered into the first chapter. One chapter does not need to act as the introduction to everything, especially when we are told how a character acts rather than seeing their personalities. Take the time to develop each character so that they don’t blend together, for the plot that is really the only thing I can comment on to this point.

2. Characters (20/30 points, D+):

In the second paragraph of the story, we are given exposition to Ashild, “Ashild had very little from her past other than the day she was born. Her biological mother had passed away when she was very young. Her father was a complete and utter mystery. As he had never married, nothing official tied him to her. Even if something did, Ashild wasn't sure that she wanted to meet a man who wanted nothing to do with his daughter or her family,” (SailorofNaglfar). Now, on the surface, this seems fine, the reader better understands the character and we are told some soon-to-be important information — or at least I assume it will be. However, the reason this section stood out to me so much is that it suffers from the classic, “Show don’t tell,” rule. Where instead of showing us what the character is like and letting the reader formulate their own opinion on them, we are told what she’s like, we are told to feel empathy and we are told that this is her backstory.

I will rewrite the scene briefly to give an example of how you would show everything that is stated in the scene without explicitly stating it; compare and contrast. “Ashild grunted as she rose from her bed, the summer heat threatening to lay her back down. She yawned, tightly shutting her eyes as she stretched her hands up and outward, beginning to walk toward the door to her room. In her daze she makes her way to the exit, only to be stopped by what seemed to be a picture frame hung next to the door above a drawer. It was a beautiful blond woman, with silky smooth hair holding a small child in her arms next to a strange man, a candle rest below the frame. A soft smile spread across Ashild’s lips as she stared at the picture, gently caressing the woman with her index finger, “I miss you, Mom,” she whispered, staring sweetly at the woman. Her smile faded as she glanced at the other man. Her finger retracted as her jaw clenched tighter. “And whoever you are…” she continued, stepping away from the frame and through the door.”

Let’s break down the points that were critical to this paragraph.

1. Her mother, and how she died. She died when she was young, and there is a strong emotional connection to her.

2. Her father. Not wanting to meet him. Mysterious.

3. Very little from past. With this in mind, lets begin.

In the official version of the paragraph, we were told all these things, which really doesn’t do much for emotional impact. In the revision, we imply that the mother died while the MC was still young, (It was a beautiful blond woman, with silky smooth hair holding a small child… A soft smile spread across Ashild’s lips as she stared at the picture, gently caressing the woman with her index finger, “I miss you, Mom.”). The reader is smart enough to catch what we’re laying down here without having to tell them directly, further connecting them to the story and the character of Ashild, #1 gone. For #2, we have this, (...holding a small child in her arms next to a strange man,) we use the phrase, “strange man,” to invoke emotion rather than mystery — an omnipresent narrator can indeed see and feel the emotions of the characters, so narrating with a hint of Ashild’s emotions just helps push it —, since in both variations we know it is the father, so opting for a sense of detachment is a better idea, which is where this comes in: (Her smile faded as she glanced at the other man. Her finger retracted as her jaw clenched tighter. “And whoever you are…” she continued, stepping away from the frame and through the door.) This covers points 2 and 3, that she does not know this man both literally and metaphorically, all while showing the effects of her past on her. We show that she dislikes her father, misses her mother, and only has this little piece of her family left instead of telling the reader. There are many more examples of this in the chapter as well, we are told how characters act, what they like, and stuff of the sort, but we aren’t shown that before we are told, which really downgrades their personalities.

The rating is based on that as well, 20/30 since we are told what to believe and what they are directly, not giving the reader a chance to build off them on their own. Familiarize yourself with this rule and the quality can drastically improve.

3. World-Building/Setting (Null/15 points, Null):

There isn't much for world-building yet, so I will omit this section :D.

4. Writing Quality (9/15 points, D):

A few grammatical errors are littered throughout the first chapter, mainly in how the dialogue is handled. (The woman spoke. “ This is speech.” She said.) Errors are jarring and take the reader out of the experience when they see them; using speech properly and not having a random space before each dialogue seems to be the first step toward clearing it up. In the example, I also listed, the woman is speaking as the narrator tells us that she is, so it’d be changed to this: (The woman spoke, “This is speech,” she said.) Since “This is speech,” is followed by “She said,” we use a comma, connotating that further action is associated with the speech. This can be used as such. (The man began speaking, “Blah blah. I am speaking,” he began, taking hold of his gun, “Blah, blah, you are dead.” The man pulled the trigger.) Since the man in this example is done speaking or doing actions related to speaking we can use a period for the dialogue, if it had been something like (“Blah, blah, you are dead,” he continued. The man pulled the trigger.) then a comma would be better suited. There are also various typos scattered around the chapter as well. At times the dialogue also seems somewhat forced, as the characters don’t particularly seem to have much chemistry given their relations.

I’m giving this section of the review a 9/15 for the fact that it is slightly jarring and hard to read without picking up on these things. There are a fair amount of misused words, spelling, grammatical inconsistencies, formatting inconsistencies, and stuff of the sort that brings the entire experience down. Re-reading through tools like Grammarly can help correct these mistakes and studying the formatting for different gimmicks in writing can also do so.

5. Cover (2/5 points, F):

        Now, I do have a decent amount of experience making covers for my own book. The font on the cover is there, there isn’t much to say about it. It has no distinct look, nothing that it tells us about the world or the story, simply the name. In what we have for the book so far, making it something that alludes to an important part of the book may be better suited. Now, speaking aesthetics purely, the contrast on the deep-blue background does not work too well, nor does blurring it. The color of the cover is not consistent either, given the background the woman would have a darker tone to her, as well as a deep blue shadow on her, but she doesn’t. This makes it seem fairly obvious what was photoshopped and what wasn’t, so keep colors consistent. There is also no design in the cover, lines, or coordinated spacings all help develop the feel of a cover. The author's name is also absent from the book.

6. Writing Style (9/15 points, C-):

        As a fantasy writer myself, fight scenes are majorly important for the book, otherwise, it loses such a huge chance to really capture a reader; hence it’s my biggest nitpick in the chapter for the writing style. To really express what I mean, I will do so again where I take a part of the story and rewrite it. This time, I will use this scene, “Puka smirked as they raised their hands into the air as they prepared to bare down their mystical energies directly onto this interloper. However, the blonde man swung his axe in the opposite direction of where they were in response.

Despite being seemingly nowhere near where the axe was going, the elf's eyes lit up in terror. What Ashild saw next had astonished her as the image of Puka shattered and beside them, right in the trajectory of the axe, another Puka revealed itself, cloaked in invisibility. The axe was driven straight across their chest in a brutal slash. " You saw through my illusions...the illusions of Puka are heavy for all men to bear! " They screamed self assuredly, backing away from this fearsome man while clutching their chest,” (SailorofNaglfar).

The re-write: “Puka grinned, raising his arms upward with a slight grunt as his hands began glowing a hot white glare, threatening to bring his wrath down on this interloper. The blond man's eyebrows furrowed as he looked at Puka, squinting slightly. The blond man's eyes widened slightly, and a shiver ran down his spine as he began lifting his axe with a deep growl. His lips curled into a snarl; his teeth glittered as Puka swung his arms downward with a maniacal grin. With a sharp exhale, the blond man changed the direction of his axe, turning it to the left of Puka, missing the elf completely.

However, a low rumbling sound emanated from Puka's chest, and he lowered his head forward in a slow arc as if shutting down. A gush of blood rushed out from where the axe had been swung, making it seem like the air was bleeding, followed closely by a loud screech. "Y-you...you saw through m-my illusions?" Puka choked, his form slowly appearing where the axe had been swung. He winced as his expression was one of pure shock and horror. He staggered backward, clutching his chest as he glared at the blond man that towered over him. "This...agh...this is not p-possible," Puka wheezed, his breathing shallow.”

One key thing the fight scenes are specifically missing is emotion, characters are human, not robots. It’s the difference between, “He punched her. She dodged and punched his jaw. He stumbled from the punch,” and, “He swung his fist at her, a crazed expression on his face. A shiver ran down her spine as she ducked under the punch, shooting her fist upward from under him. A dull thud came from his jaw as he grunted, tightly shutting his eyes as he stumbled backward.” They are also pretty unclear at times, describing events well and effectively can play a huge role in formulating a good fight scene, and since it’s fantasy it is quite expected.

        Besides the fight scenes, the problem of telling the reader everything instead of showing it also drags the writing style down. For example, “Maya was angry,” can be turned to, “Maya furrowed her brows as she clenched her fist, her eyes narrowing at ___.” And it also works well on characters’ personalities, “Maya is a nice person. She likes to read and share,” can be turned to, “Maya was reading one of her favorite books when ___ walked in, demanding to be handed the book. Maya smiled softly, taking a mental note of where she left off and gently closing it, handing it to ___.” It is dire to learn when to do this, as it will boost the enjoyability of the reader greatly, as well as portray the character rather than stating the character. In the first example, we learn Maya is nice, in the second we are shown that she is nice, and it goes a long way.

Conclusion:

The plot, although lengthy, lacks significant events and focuses too much on character introductions. The characters suffer from being "told" rather than "shown," resulting in their forgettable nature. The world-building and setting receive limited attention, failing to leave a strong impression.

Improving the writing quality is essential to boosting enjoyment, as well as overall enjoyment of the book. Paying attention to grammatical errors, especially in dialogue handling, will ensure a smoother and more professional reading experience. Working on revising the dialogue itself will also work toward this, creating better chemistry and a more believable human being.

It was a fun read, but I hope it’s a better one next time I take a look!