Then

"Where in the sodding hell have you been?"

"And a glorious morning to you too, Boss," Jace replied cheerily to Gareth's thundering question. "I've been at the gym as you know I am every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from seven to ten, unless I'm on an assignment."

"Oh, right," Gareth grumbled. "Anyway, gather your team. The plane is waiting at the airport. I'll meet you in France."

"Wait? France? Aren't you in Russia for something super important that the mothership called you home for?" Jace grabbed his gym bag to get to his car to call his team, and then go home to get his travel bag.

"If you're referring to yet another lecture on my dating habits and the need for me to marry and procreate, then yes, 'super important'," Gareth huffed with dripping sarcasm.

Jace could practically hear Gareth roll his eyes at being called home to stand trial for his lack of commitment to continuing the Adjenkov family line. Zariyah Adjenkov Tempest was the scariest woman Jace had ever met, and though he missed having a mother, he did not want Gareth's for all the tea in China.

Zariyah was a tall, slim woman with a fragile look to her. Sophisticated and well-mannered, soft-spoken, and every bit the royalty they expected her to be as a princess of the Russian mafia and the wife of a British nobleman. But the fragile look should not deceive anybody. Gareth's mother was a stone-cold hardass. She took shit from nobody, and she had a mouth on her when she had something to say. Every man in Gareth's organization would cower if she laid into them.

She was a woman who demanded respect by her mere presence. She was fierce and had raised a good man and leader in Gareth, and Jace held due respect for that. But he did not fear her. Neither did Gareth, though he could, as the golden son, be any way he wanted. Still, he had to produce an heir. That was not something Zariyah would ever let go of. Gareth had to have a son for their name and claims to survive.

"She called you home for that? Not some major crisis with financials or some other faction moving in on us?" Jace wanted to sound serious, but it was simply too dumb to not laugh at it, so he did. "She made you go home, so we had to postpone Phoenix's birthday bash, and do everything without you just because you've not found some chick to impregnate yet?"

Gareth laughed hollowly. "Sounds just about right. And she's kept me here for fucking three weeks to parade me around for all her annoying friends, with daughters of the right age, like some circus pony."

"Aww, don't sell yourself short. I'm sure she thinks of you as a thoroughbred at least." Jace chuckled at Gareth's disgust at having to humor his mother. "Did she braid your mane and tail too?"

"Don't you bloody start with me, Jace. Get your ass home and then go to the airport. We'll meet in France tomorrow."

It was time to ask. Jace had pushed the question away to keep it light and poke at Gareth to give himself time to gather his thoughts and find the courage to face what he might face very soon, by the looks of it.

He was not ready.

"Is it Levi? Is Cellmate sure he's there?"

Gareth sighed and then replied softly, "No, Cellmate and Horse have located him as you know. They're still compiling information on him to track him to that other guy with the dog boy."

"Then what? Why my team this time?"

"Because We've tracked Levi to a place in France on several occasions. It's a massive estate, and still no other information than a lot of human trafficking going in and out, and we've spent months getting intel on the place. There's an auction there tomorrow and Roarke is going in, so are Amman and Tyson."

"And?"

"Let's call it a dress rehearsal for hell. We think it's a key point of operations for holding captured people. Where they're prepared for auctions. You need to work with your team and get to know them and your roles individually. It'll be good practice for when we go after Levi, and there's a chance that guy is there with the dog boy for the auction." Gareth explained it unemotionally, probably to not work up a situation they both did not need over the phone. Levi was a problem for another day. "Besides, it's an enormous place with lots of security and many captives. We need all men on deck."

"I'm good with that. I'll call them in and go to France. No worries."

"Fuck me," Gareth growled. "My mum is calling me. What am I, five?"

"I think she still sees you like that sometimes, but when she's trying to marry you off, I hope she sees a man in his twenties. Just saying," Jace said with a laugh. "Go please the mothership, I'll see you."

"I doubt she sees an adult, even if she sees a man in his twenties. With what she's been through, I would have thought that she at least understood me..."

"Leave it, bro. It's a lost battle. You both want the same in the end. You just go about it differently."

With a deep sigh, Gareth accepted Jace's attempt at mediating between Gareth and his mother. "I know. I want the family line to continue. For the legacy to go to my son. I just don't want to knock up some random woman to achieve that. I want..."

"I know, bud. Maybe one day. Give it time. You're still young."

"Cellmate will fill you in while on the plane. See you tomorrow."

Gareth had closed the call before Jace had a chance to say anything else.

That was a proper shitshow Gareth had to handle with his mother. Jace understood the need for an heir, he understood Zariyah's need for Gareth to rise and be the leader they had not allowed her to be. And that did not even factor in the desire for a grandchild and to see Gareth find happiness, which he was sure Zariyah wanted for her son too.

And then there was Levi and the mission they were going on. A key point of operations? The concept had not settled in Jace. He had problems understanding what that meant, and he needed to get all the facts to understand. If it was, and they took it down, they might disrupt the entire European slave trade market. One thing he did not need further information to understand was that there were many people held captive there, and they were going to free them. His team would do what they could to aid in that.

In the car, he had called in everybody on his team, and they were on their way to the airport to meet up as soon as possible. He only needed to call one last one. And he was not sure how that would go since they had a meeting scheduled. Another meeting he had to cancel, and to add insult to injury, Jace needed to ask for more than just understanding.

"Jace?" Phoenix answered the call on the second ring.

"There's a mission. My team has been called in..."

"Where are you?"

"Almost home. I just need to do a few things and get my bag, then I'm off to catch a plane."

"Ok, I've got long-term VIP parking at the airport. I'll leave in five and pick you up in half an hour, ok?"

"You're coming?"

"I gave you my word. You asked me to be on your team, and I promised to be there whenever you called me up to bat. You need your team now, and I'm part of that, so I'm coming."

Gasping at the no-questions and no-nonsense Phoenix, Jace held the steering wheel tighter and thanked his lucky stars that he had not needed to ask or beg for Phoenix to come. It was maybe pathetic, but he needed Phoenix to be there to ground him. To look at him with that belief in his abilities, and to know that he had his back.

"I'll wait for you outside in half an hour."

There was no point in thanking Phoenix. He would have brushed it off and given him a reprimand for always thanking for things that he had earned, or did not need to give thanks for to begin with, because that was how people were.

Half an hour later, Jace had just gotten to the front of his building, when Phoenix's car pulled up at the curb. He had managed to do a quick rundown of the apartment to turn down the heat, empty the fridge, and take out the trash. He did not want to come back to smelly food or an insane heating bill. Winters sucked enough. Having to pay to live through them just annoyed the crap out of him.

Jace dumped his suitcase in the trunk, came around to open the door, and slid into the passenger seat. Phoenix held up a hand and pointed at the phone, he had against his ear, to let him know it would just be a moment, while he finished his call.

"Yes, Chess. Just clear out the fridge and empty the fruit bowls. If there's anything you want, feel free to take it. I don't know when I'll be back."

Phoenix nodded at whatever Chess said. "That's fine. I'll let you know when I think I'll be back."

Phoenix put the phone into the hands-free holder and turned to Jace with a slight smile. "There. I've called Vlad to let him know what he needs to be on top of while I'm away, and Chess takes care of the apartment. We're all set."

"So, it's working out with Chess?" Jace asked as he buckled his seatbelt. "You tend to be a little uptight when it comes to cleanliness. Remember, I was there when you moved in. You're like the vacuum dictator."

Though he felt a bit offended, Jace was right, and he had said it with a smile and that humorous glint in his eyes that Phoenix loved. "I'm not that bad," Phoenix said with a roll of his eyes and then he chuckled. "But yes, he's extremely efficient."

Phoenix pulled out from the curb and glanced at Jace. "Straight to the airport or?"

"The others will meet us there, but we might have to wait a bit for Malachai. He was out doing something, but he promised to hurry."

"I'm sure we can find a few cups of coffee with our names on them, and a smoker's lounge to pass the time."

They drove in silence for a while. Jace sat and turned his phone over in his hands and paid little attention to anything. It did not take a genius to figure out that Jace was nervous, the genius part was needed to figure out why.

"Jace, I know I'll get briefed on the mission at some point. And I figure it's not something casual, like a stroll through Belgium to scare the crap out of some thirteen-year-old computer nerd." Phoenix chuckled at their mission back then. "I suspect it's about that dog boy you told me about?"

"Not entirely. Gareth didn't tell me much, just that we're taking down a possible trafficking hub, and that there's a chance the dog boy will be present for the auction being held there."

Phoenix just nodded. He did not see the full picture yet, but he understood without a doubt that Jace would need him at some point. He already felt the anxiety coming off of Jace, the worry, and the doubts about the mission.

"There's something I need to tell you, Phoenix."

With a nod, Phoenix guided the car away from the road and found a supermarket parking lot where they could park.

"I'm listening."

Jace sat quietly and stared at his hands, which were surprisingly still in his lap. They reflected the calm inside of him. He was not afraid to tell Phoenix, did not fear his judgment, nor that he would hold ultimate knowledge when Jace told him, and with that knowledge, he could ruin Jace. The trust he had in Phoenix was powerful in ways that gave him strength, physically and mentally, because Phoenix had done everything right in assuring him he would be there.

Phoenix had closed the hole in Jace's heart that had formed from abandonment and loneliness. From being treated like a toy and a second-rate human. Gareth had given Jace friendship and value through work and having a purpose. But Phoenix had given him life and worth.

"It's a long and complicated story..."

"We've got time. It's not like the plane can leave without you."

Jace took a deep breath and stared down at his hands as he opened up fully to the first person ever. He told everything about the mission in Prague, and when he came to Levi, Jace stopped to look at Phoenix, who just nodded with understanding.

"Jace, it's enough. I don't need to know everything he did to you now. I know enough to understand why you've hated yourself for leaving those people there."

The details he would get later, Jace did not need to go into a tailspin of hurtful memories, when he had to stay focused to save people and lead his team. Jace just needed to get enough out to have a burden lifted, and to know that Phoenix was there for him, no matter what.

"You're the only one who knows the full connection and why it hurts so much. Gareth knows about Levi to some extent, but only you know what he did to me."

"I'm honored, Jace."

Jace put his hand on Phoenix's thigh. He gave it a squeeze and locked eyes with Phoenix. "He might be there tomorrow or that brute with the dog boy. I need you to have my back when we go in."

"You have my word."

There was no more to say.

That was how strong their connection was. Phoenix's word was enough for Jace to not doubt him, and Jace's trust was enough for Phoenix to know he would do anything to keep Jace safe.

There was a sort of ease in the silence between them on their way to the airport. An ease Jace enjoyed a lot, one he hoped they could bring into their sex life too. There had been some progress between them, but also some setbacks that Jace needed to address.

"I can hear you thinking, Jace," Phoenix commented when Jace was far gone in thought. "Are you ok? Is there more I need to know?"

"It's unrelated, but it's a part of it too. I just don't think this is the right time to bring it up. I would have talked with you at our next meeting."

"Now is as good a time as any." Phoenix glanced at Jace without removing his full attention from the traffic. Jace sounded nervous, and that usually meant he was about to reveal more about his past. That he said it was something he had wanted to take up at their next meeting was enough to categorize it as play-related. Maybe the mentioning of Levi had triggered something that Jace needed to sort out before the mission.

It always drained Jace to get it out when he opened up. The memories wrenched at him when he tried to sort them and compartmentalize them enough to tell Phoenix without them overtaking him. Jace had already drawn on his energy to tell about the mission in Prague. More could be too much for him. Phoenix prepared himself to comfort and support Jace if it was something difficult he needed to share that day.

The first time they had seen each other after Jace's return from Germany, Phoenix had catered fully to what he knew Jace liked and reacted well to. He had kept strictly to plays on Jace's 'yes'-list they had made during training, and had avoided anything Phoenix's spreadsheet had put a flag on as potentially triggering, even if they were on the 'yes'-list. It had been simple but effective to rebuild their roles and have Jace experience a scene between them where he had not crumbled at any point.

Basic restraints like during training. No penetration at all, and a lot of affirmation. Constant reassurance that if Jace needed to orgasm, he had permission whenever. Phoenix had explained his intended plan of only doing safe items on Jace's list, and then slowly building onto that at future meetings. He had informed Jace beforehand to assure Jace that it was a precautionary step back, hoping to move forward faster, so he would not feel disappointed with the lack of hard dominance. If Phoenix had not been upfront about it, Jace might have felt like he did not measure up when the plays between them had changed. During aftercare, they had evaluated and agreed that a softer approach was the way to go.

What had shocked Phoenix was Jace's suggestion that each time, he told a little about himself or his past. Just a small detail, either good or bad, and in that way got into the habit of having a good experience and then letting go of a memory he had held in.

So far, it had resulted in four magnificent meetings. Four simple but successful scenes with no outbursts or regressions from Jace. It had also given Phoenix four lengthy sessions at the gym afterward, where sandbags and other equipment had been punished to the max for him to let his pain and frustrations out.

The things Jace disclosed had made him see red. And though they came out of context and with no real details, they were enough for him to want to hurt Levi in ways that might land Phoenix in psychiatric care if his thoughts ever became commonly known. By God, if Levi was there the next day, Phoenix would screw over any orders and take Levi alive to pay him back for all the wrongs he had done to Jace.

"What is it? Are you ok?" Phoenix could do nothing there in the car but look briefly at Jace, who sat hunched over and tried to hide in plain sight. "Just tell me. Nothing you say is wrong. If I have questions, I'll just ask them. I'll not judge you."

Jace sighed at Phoenix's reaction. He was always like that. Protective, caring, and downright perfect. He was so careful and proper when they were together that he at times felt that they were not Dom and sub. Only at times, though, there was no doubt about who was the dominant one when they played. But he missed that assertive Phoenix he was outside of their scenes.

"It's going well between us, right?"

"Yes, I think so. I can only speak for myself. How you feel, I can only interpret through your reactions and what you tell me."

"Just listen to what I say, if that's ok?"

"Sure it is." Phoenix drove into the emergency lane and parked the car. He leaned back a little to relax and gave Jace his full attention. Any voluntary talk from Jace's side showed that the trust between them had reached to where Jace felt comfortable confiding more. He just hoped that it was a good talk they were going to have. Whatever it was, could go either way, it could be praise and something to move forward on, or it could be Jace, who wished to find another Dom who met his needs better.

"You know you can tell me anything, right?" Phoenix asked with a bit of nerves shining through his words.

"I miss sex," Jace blurted out before he lost his nerve.

"Oh! I see."

"I want to have that heavy and fully satisfied feeling in me. To lie tangled with a naked body afterward and feel the sweat on our bodies with the elevated heartbeats from what we just did. I need that to feel complete."

Phoenix tilted his head back a little and closed his eyes to give himself room to breathe. He had to be realistic about it. Naturally, Jace needed sex too. Having a Dom only provided a part of Jace's needs and was not enough in the long run. If he was going to find himself and his sexuality, he needed to embrace his bisexual needs too.

"I've already told you that our agreement stops at the door. I fully understand that you're bisexual, and though I want to give you everything, I can't give you that."

Phoenix hesitated.

He was not sure if it was ok for him to say how he felt.

"I'm not going to interfere or hold you responsible for what you do when we're not together. Just don't tell me about it, ok?"

There, that was diplomatically put. He would allow Jace any freedom, but it was fair to state that he did not want to know about it.

"What?" Jace turned to look at Phoenix like he had grown horns and played the tuba. "Are you kidding me right now? I want sex with you."

Phoenix's eyebrows lifted in surprise. "Me?"

Jace pressed his lips together and shot Phoenix an angry glare. "Is that so strange? You're my Dom, and it's only natural for me to want that. I want to feel you and be able to please you, and service you. That's part of my role too, and part of me."

"But Jace," Phoenix sighed. "I don't think it's a good idea."

"Why not? It should be equally natural for you to want the same." A horrible thought struck Jace like lightning, one that made him physically ill. "Unless you're not attracted to me in that way? You said it was not physical for you. If I don't turn you on..."

"Don't turn me on?" Phoenix raised his voice to that scary one he rarely used. Unlike his normal behavior, he hammered his fist into the steering wheel. "Do you have any idea how ridiculous that statement is?"

Jace put his hand on Phoenix's arm to calm him down. Secretly, doing a victory dance in his head. He had feared that Phoenix was not interested like that. Which was stupid, since he had said that he would fuck him raw.

"Then why, Phoenix?"

"Because!"

Another thought hit Jace, one that made a lot more sense than anything else. It would explain why Phoenix had not been with anybody in the club, and why he would not allow Jace near him like that.

Could it really be that simple?

"Is it because of your..." Jace whispered with an apologetic tone for even mentioning something like that. Nobody wanted to be called out on such matters, and a Dom like Phoenix, who had pride and ego, would definitely not.

"My what?"

"Eh, your endowment. I don't care if you're, eh, below average."

Phoenix jolted in his seat with a grip so tight on the wheel that his knuckles turned white. Red in the face, he turned to spear Jace with the scariest look of anger. "Who the fuck told you that?" he raged.

For once, Jace cowered at the blatant hostility in Phoenix. Not that he expected Phoenix to physically hurt him, but the rage was unlike how Phoenix normally reacted to things. It was, however, understandable. Dick size was not a topic that should be discussed like it had any importance at all, and Jace had tried to make it not matter. It was maybe not how Phoenix had seen it presented.

"It's sort of the common speculation in the club." Jace saw how that was not the right thing to say, because Phoenix fisted his hands, and he did a superb Gareth impression with the bulging veins and the red face. "It's just a rumor. Because you haven't fucked anybody, people have talked, and that's what they've arrived at as the most plausible. I don't care about any of it, Phoenix. I just want you."

Jace looked up at Phoenix's angry face. His body was tight like a spring, and he breathed in long, heavy breaths to calm himself.

"Phoenix, it's the connection for me. I need to feel you, and I want to give you pleasure if you'll allow it. When we scene together, we build up tension and longing for that to culminate, and so far, it's only been me who've gotten any kind of release. Don't you see I feel inadequate if I can't give you something?"

"Am I making you feel bad about yourself?" Phoenix whispered with devastation on his face. Had he failed at helping Jace after such a short while? Had he added to what Jace already battled with?

"No, Jesus! You make me feel better about myself than I ever have, and I want to share that with you. Size doesn't matter because you turn me on so much. I just want you, please."

All the rage in Phoenix went out of him like a deflating balloon. Jace said all the right things, everything he needed to hear. Jace wanted him, and he needed to connect like that. Just like Phoenix did, though he had been ready to wait. Jace's comfort level and recovery had been Phoenix's guidelines to help. His personal desires had taken a back seat. Waiting was nothing if he got Jace later on.

"Jace, I can't, ok?"

"But why?" Jace reached over and gently pried Phoenix's clenched hands from the steering wheel and held on to them to calm him down. He smiled softly at him to urge him to relax and share his reservations. "Talk to me. If you can't or won't, I think I deserve to know why."

"It's not that I don't want to," Phoenix said when he gave in and calmed down. He lifted Jace's hand and kissed it. "Please, Jace, believe me, I want it, more than you know. I can't explain to you how I've wanted you and still want you. You tempt me so much."

"Thank you," Jace whispered. "I needed to hear that. I sense a 'but' in there somewhere, though."

With a tenderness that did not reflect the turmoil in him, Phoenix untangled his hand from Jace's and turned to cup Jace's cheek. He relished in how Jace rubbed into his palm like a cuddly kitten.

"But... I can't, Jace. You tense up when I go near you like that, and I know it's not me you're afraid of. I just can't be the one you associate with bad experiences if it goes wrong. I can't live with myself if I hurt you or increased your trauma." Phoenix took a second to take another deep breath. "My needs are secondary right now. I'm yours, Jace, I'm here to stay. I don't mind waiting, and I'd prefer to do that until you're free from your past."

Jace kissed Phoenix's palm. He melted at the way Phoenix wanted to be the best for him, the one to help and never hurt him. It touched something deep within his heart, a place that had been untouched for a long time. It only made Jace want Phoenix more. There was no logic to it. The more Phoenix pulled away in the name of honor, the more Jace wanted him.

"You know Levi hurt me, that he used to take me when I wasn't in the mood or prepared, and that still sits in me. But what if you're the one I can associate with good experiences? If you're the one I'm with when sex feels good, if not great?"

At that, Phoenix leaned forward to rest his head on the wheel and hide his face in his hands. He rubbed up and down his face, until he leaned back and hung his head, holding on to his hair while he thought it over.

In all honesty, Phoenix had not thought of it in that way, he admitted to himself when Jace argued it like that. Yes, he wanted to give Jace good experiences, to help him find himself, and to be the instrument to pull Jace from the dark. But he had not viewed it as Jace seeing him as the good experience, more like him executing them, but the experiences were in focus, not him. When he turned it over in his head, that might have been the wrong approach, because he wanted to be everything to Jace, wanted to be his safe haven, just as much as he wanted to be Jace's everything else.

Why not be who and what Jace associated with safe, sane, and consensual play? Be the one to be with Jace when he built his experiences with the penetrative parts of play again. Fuck it, he wanted to be a full Dom with Jace. A Dom who could be with his sub in every way, who could ask for pleasure and not just give it.

Maybe if he gave it a chance.

"Ok, but can we give it a few times? To ease into it. We can do more penetration play for you to get used to me doing that without you expecting pain or something you're not ready for."

"We can do that, Phoenix." Jace agreed with no hesitation. It was a victory to have gotten Phoenix to open up to the possibility, and Jace was ready to be with him. "I have one request then."

Phoenix chuckled. "You're on a roll with getting what you want. Go ahead."

"Can you please take off your shirt when we play? Let me admire you? We can get to the pants and be fully naked when the time comes. I just want to see you too."

That was an easy promise to make. Phoenix wanted to see Jace's eyes when he looked at him. He wanted to see if he liked what he saw, and if it turned him on in the same way, it turned Phoenix on to see Jace. He wanted to lie in bed and feel Jace's naked skin against his.

"That I can definitely agree to. Next time, Baby boy, you'll feel me skin to skin."

Jace lit up in a smile, one that made Phoenix's heart beat faster. His face came closer and the click of the seatbelt being unbuckled sounded in the quiet car.

"We need to get to the airport," Jace whispered, making the sentence sound a lot more sensual than it was. "But I need a kiss first, Sir."

Hi dear Wattlings.

Thank you for reading.

So, it's going down on Monday. Do you think Levi will be there? Will the dog boy? And though Phoenix was trying to accommodate Jace and build their play slowly, Jace needed more, and he got his point across. Did he do well in letting Phoenix know what he wanted? 

If you like it, then pop a vote and please leave comments. The comments are important for me to know how the story is progressing and the characters are developing. And I'd love to know what you think and interact with y'all.

Give me a follow too for updates on other work and put this book in your library. I'd appreciate that.

Love, Alix

Published: October 22nd, 2021. ©Alix Davenport, Copenhagen