Then

Jace's mouth opened in a silent cry. His eyes pleaded, and then he reacted. He flew up from his laid-back position, and his arms flailed until they found purchase on the bed. He drew back toward the headboard, his knee capping Phoenix dead in the jaw, and the fingers Phoenix had wanted to remove gently got ripped out with a sloppy sound.

"I'm sorry!" Jace desperately cried out. "I didn't mean to. I swear. I'm sorry, Master."

The panic in Jace as he curled up by the headboard with his knees drawn up under his chin, while he protected his head with his arms, broke Phoenix's heart. His use of 'Master' was disturbing, to say the least, but his behavior held more trauma than Phoenix had imagined.

"Please don't hurt me. It wasn't on purpose. I tried. I did!"

"Jace, calm down." Phoenix put on his most patient and inviting tone and sat perfectly still, though everything in him screamed at him to reach for Jace to comfort him, or at least rub his own throbbing jaw.

"I'll comply. I'll be good." Trembling so hard his limbs would have shaken the bed if not for the soft mattress, Jace unfolded himself from his protective ball and slid off the side of the bed onto his knees on the floor beside it. He assumed a perfect 'punishment' position and held it despite the vicious trembles that went through him.

That was when the slow motion stopped for Phoenix, and the world returned to where he could breathe. He was not sure if what he had just seen had indeed happened. It was too surreal to have happened, but the empty bed and whimpers from Jace, calling to his own rapidly beating heart, felt very real.

Scared out of his mind, Phoenix moved from the spot he had sat frozen into and over to the side of the bed, where he peeked down at Jace to take in fully what happened before his eyes.

"Jace?"

"Please, I'll take anything. You can use the cane. Just forgive me." A sob followed, but Jace stayed in position. "Or the electro rod. I won't scream, I promise."

"Jace!" The word roared in the room with all the power Phoenix could muster in the situation.

Nice and soft had no effect on Jace in his condition. Maybe hard authority would make him listen, even if it tore at Phoenix to resort to those tactics. He had very few options; be harsh, go fetch Chess, or as his ultimate and the one he dreaded having to use... Call Gareth.

Somehow, Jace acknowledged the dominance and quieted down to tiny sobs as he waited.

"I'm going to sit beside you now, Jace," Phoenix said with the same authority and got off the bed. He sat down and folded his legs under himself. He sat as close as he dared to not invade Jace's sphere but still be close enough to catch him if he fell over. "Tell me why you need to be punished, Boy!"

"I didn't mean to..."

"I did not ask for excuses. Tell me why." Phoenix felt the need to rub his chest because it hurt too much inside to speak like that to a frightened sub. To Jace, of all people. The man he only wished to see smile.

"I came without permission, Master," Jace stammered.

"Oh, Baby boy. I wanted you to do that. Everything I did was for you to get to that mind-blowing orgasm. Why do you think I'd want you to hold that back? To keep that amazing reaction from me?" Phoenix suppressed the need to sigh. "Unless I specifically tell you not to cum. You can do it at any time when I've brought you close enough to the edge."

"But without permission, I am not allowed. You always told me when to do it the other times."

"Because I was in a position to do so those times. But I sort of had my mouth occupied before, and I most definitely wanted you to cum, which you did. Beautifully at that." In an effort that took more than he had expected, Phoenix stopped his hand from reaching for Jace. It ripped at him to not be able to comfort him through touch. Jace gained strength through Phoenix, and it was hard when words were not enough, and the physical connection was not there. "For the record. It was an honor to watch. I hope you'll understand that when you've had some time."

Waiting a bit, in hopes Jace would relax, Phoenix sat in silence. He wished the words would do something; they were all he had until Jace was in a condition where he accepted touches. It took a while for the trembles to die down, a bit longer for those heartbreaking sounds to cease, but no amount of time seemed to make Jace want to break from his position. He still expected to be punished, sadly.

"I'm going to move now. I'm going to slowly put my arms around you and help you off the floor. You're not in trouble, I'm not mad at you, nor am I disappointed in anything you've done. I just want to get you back on the bed and wrap a blanket around you. You're crashing fast, and your body is cooling abnormally. Will you let me do that?"

When Jace did not move or answer, Phoenix let hope guide him. He lifted himself up on his knees and put his arms under Jace to support him. He tilted Jace back slowly, and luckily, Jace allowed himself to be guided onto his knees.

Strong arms wrapped around Jace and with an exertion, his knees would complain about for days to come, Phoenix lifted Jace and himself up from the floor. His hands moved down under Jace's thighs to make him put his legs around his waist. Finally, Jace reacted. His legs clamped tight around Phoenix, his arms went around his neck like boa constrictors, and his head dropped on his shoulder.

"That's it. I've got you, Baby boy. I've got you." Phoenix kissed Jace's head anywhere he could reach. "If you need to let it out, you do that. I'm right here, and I'm not leaving you."

Sobbing his heart out, Jace clung to Phoenix and sucked all the strength he could out of the man who offered him comfort. He stayed in his hugging position even when Phoenix sat down on the bed and tucked a blanket around them.

Phoenix stayed quiet and simply waited for Jace to calm down. They needed to talk; he would not let Jace sneak his way out of it that time, as he had during training when he had tried to poke at Jace's past. As his Dom, Phoenix needed to know. It was his job to protect Jace during their scenes, outside of them, and it was also his responsibility to protect Jace against himself when he destroyed his life on account of whatever trauma lurking in his mind.

It might not help much, but there was some reassurance Phoenix could offer.

"Listen, Jace. When you orgasm, it's not only a reward for you for having done good in giving yourself to me. It's a stamp of approval to me for having done right by you. What you need to know is my pleasure comes from seeing my partner in ecstasy. It's not necessarily physical for me. If I don't achieve that feeling of giving my partner pleasure, I've failed, and my ego can't really handle that. In case you haven't noticed, my ego is rather large."

Jace made a sound that could be interpreted as anything from a choking sniffle to a stifled chuckle.

It was better than anything Phoenix had gotten before.

"Do you want something, my koala bear? I don't have any eucalyptus leaves, but I have strawberries and chocolates."

Jace giggled with a sniffle.

"I'm sorry..."

"You don't say that to me. I'm your Dom and your friend. I'm here for all of it. Your good days and the bad. If you don't have the strength, I do, and I'll carry you until you're ready to stand on your own again. Ok?"

Jace nodded against Phoenix's neck.

Right there, in Phoenix's arms, he felt safe. He was still too embarrassed to face Phoenix in either capacity, Dom or friend, and he was not ready to let go of the safety he found with the blanket and strong arms around him. But he was ready for...

"Chocolate, please."

"I thought so. So, do you want to join me on a trip to the fridge?"

The humor in Phoenix's voice and the way he tried to make the inevitable sound like an adventure made something stir inside Jace. A glimmer of something he did not understand. Phoenix already knew Jace was not about to let him go, so it was either both of them going to the fridge or none of them. Whatever it was that stirred inside him while they picked up chocolates and sodas from the fridge, Jace could not identify it. But it felt good.

"I'm not asking you to move away. You can stay here on my lap as long as you want. But you need to let go, or I can't reach your mouth. And these chocolates won't eat themselves."

They sat like that for a long time. Phoenix fed Jace chocolates and just talked about this and that when Jace was ok with talking. It took a bit of persuasion to get Jace to let go so they could lie down. Jace did not relax until he was safely under the blanket again and had Phoenix's arm protectively caged across his stomach.

"Jace. We need to talk. But before we do that, I need to tell you something, and you need to listen. I don't expect you to believe me right now, but know I'll tell you as many times as you need to hear it until you believe it as I do."

Jace frowned with a scared glance at Phoenix. Then he nodded.

"You are doing everything I could ever ask of a sub. I've not even played with you properly yet, and I already know that I won in this. I adore all your trust, your sounds, and definitely how beautifully your body accepts and gives. Don't for a second think that anything from your past can scare me away. That any issues you might have will make me not want you. You are perfect."

Heat crept into Jace's cheeks in the most adorable way. Phoenix saw it in his eyes. He did not believe it, but the red cheeks indicated that the declaration had hit something right.

"That being said, I need you to talk with me. I'm not asking you to tell me everything right now. I'm not expecting you to open up in the next weeks or even months, but I just need one piece of information today. Can you handle that?"

"What information?"

"You need to tell me exactly what she did to you when you came without permission. What just happened scared the shit out of me, and I need to know what she did to you to make you react like that. It's the only way for me to avoid triggering something like that in the future. So, please, what did she do?"

"He," Jace whispered. "It was a he."

Oh!

"I see. You talked to him, not me. It wasn't me you were afraid of when you said 'Master'." That tiny enlightenment gave Phoenix some hope.

It was one thing for Jace to tense up and be afraid a few times when they were together, because that was what Jace was used to, and Phoenix had to prove himself to be different there. That part was not on Phoenix, and he could handle that. But when Jace had pulled away from him in soul-crushing terror and called him 'Master', Phoenix had taken that personally, because it was a male title, and he had thought Jace's abuser to be female. Jace had not feared him or been triggered by him. It was a relief to be released from that burden.

"I'm not afraid of you!" The statement came fast and without hesitation.

"Then you need to tell me what he did. Don't hide anything, and don't be embarrassed." Phoenix pecked a kiss on Jace's temple. "Can you do that for me?"

Drawing in a breath to steady himself, Jace lay with closed eyes and relived some of his worst memories. He was close to hyperventilating when Phoenix gave his stomach a squeeze. He found Jace's hand and interlaced their fingers to give him strength.

"He punished me. In the beginning, it was not that bad. He said it was part of being a sub to receive punishments when I did something wrong. And orgasming without permission was wrong." A shaky breath later, Jace was ready to continue. "I took the punishments the times it happened in the beginning, and I learned to control it better. But then it shifted. It was like he pushed me to where I couldn't control it for him to punish me for disobeying. The punishments for that alone became more and more severe."

That ache in Phoenix's chest was back. With a vengeance. And with it came sweat, chills down his back, a dry mouth, and an overpowering need to kill somebody. Never in his life had Phoenix wished he was more like Gareth, because he wanted to tear that abusive asshole into tiny pieces, sew him back up, and do it again. For all of fucking eternity.

His heart bled for Jace. A man as smart and caring as Phoenix had experienced him to be, had to have had a reason to let somebody steamroll him into believing that he deserved what he had gotten. Abuse and brainwashing took time, and Jace did not strike him as somebody who took any shit. He was simply too street-smart for that. Whoever had done it had to have had a way into Jace's mind and found the trigger that was able to break him.

However long it would take him to earn Jace's trust to get all the facts, Phoenix would spend it. And when he had those facts. That fucker was going down!

"Severe how?"

"Canings so bad I could barely sit for days. Paddling under the feet and then stand in a dark corner until he allowed me to move. Bolted to the floor in 'apology' or 'punishment' position for hours or entire nights..."

"Bolted?" Phoenix asked in reflex before he could stop himself from interrupting. He had wanted to remain quiet, to let Jace tell his story at his own pace without having to answer questions or feel held responsible. All he had wanted were the facts, not explanatory details outside of what had been done. But he had to know more about that part. He could not wrap his mind around what he heard.

"Yeah. You know metal shackles, but only half, to be placed over my wrists, arms, ankles, calves, and sometimes my neck and then bolted to the floor so I couldn't move out of position." Jace explained it with a detached and unemotional voice. He explained the facts as dryly and impersonally as possible, to distance himself from the memories.

It was a totally understandable coping mechanism.

Phoenix hissed with anger and grabbed his soda to wash down the bile that rose in his throat and burned him from the inside. Disgust with the man who had done something that degrading and exhausting, as a punishment for some minor infraction as orgasming without permission, flooded him. No, it crashed over him like a tidal wave and sent him whirling around in the break of the wave, slamming him into rocks, blurring his vision with the sand from the bottom, and keeping him under the water until he felt like he would not survive if he did not reach the surface to breathe.

The use of that kind of restraint could be great fun if used with consent and for a mutually agreed upon scene. But to do it in a way that seemed to be leagues outside the limits of the sub, and general common sense with the length of time, had the Dom in Phoenix in an uproar.

Jace shuddered and peeked at Phoenix because he was so ashamed. The pushover, worthless sub he showed Phoenix that he had been was so far from the man he portrayed himself as daily, and even farther away from the man he wanted Phoenix to see him as. He had expected to see judgment, anger, and repulsion. Maybe even pity or disbelief. But he only saw raw pain. Pain on his behalf.

"Do I have to continue, or do you get the picture?"

Though he wanted every horrifying and sick detail to store in his head for the day when he got his hands on the bastard, Phoenix acknowledged that Jace's mind had to be exhausted, and his need to let it go and gather himself was more pressing than anything else, so he left it at that for the evening.

"It's ok, I don't need more unless it'll make you feel better to tell me."

Jace just shook his head.

There was more, much more, but as long as Phoenix had a sensible grasp on what had happened, Jace felt he could save himself from divulging additional details until another time. What little he had revealed was enough to make him feel bad, but somewhere in that bad feeling was a tiny light of relief at having told somebody.

"Thank you for trusting me with that. If you ever need to talk more, I'm a phone call or text away."

Once again, though it should have come as no surprise to Jace, Phoenix simply assured Jace and let it go. Keeping to his word that he only wanted one piece of information. Jace marveled at that. The curiosity had to be killing him, but Phoenix just found another chocolate and held it up for Jace to eat.

That integrity set Phoenix aside from everybody else, and Jace felt blessed with knowing the man was there for him.

"You know I'm not like most normal people. I'm not entirely right in the head," Phoenix mumbled with a hinge of shame. "I'm not wired to process emotions and the turmoil of human interaction."

Jace stopped breathing for a second. "There's nothing wrong with your head!" Jace felt how he instantly became defensive on Phoenix's behalf. "Don't ever say something like that to me again."

"But I don't process feelings as other people do. I don't understand them or what to do with them when faced with what to me is like staring at an inkblot where others see an actual picture. I don't know how to express them either."

Jace felt he had gone from determined, to nervous, with a quick stop at worried, onward to happiness, then bliss, terror, to finally arrive at pissed off. All in the course of an evening.

So what if Phoenix did not process feelings like others? The way he processed them was a lot more honest than most Phoenix referred to as 'normal'. And saying he did not know how to express them was an outright lie.

Yes, it had taken some time to earn the right to see that side of the closed-off man, but Jace had seen more than enough to know that Phoenix was just slow in developing skills others had learned as kids, because he had not been a kid. Where Jace had learned how to express anger if somebody stole his bucket and shovel in kindergarten, or how to tell the difference between a fun joke and sarcasm in school, Phoenix had just been cooped up with adults who had not fed those basic needs.

He was behind, but not slow or incapable.

"Jace, I know myself. I fake it so often that I don't know what's real half the time. I mimic behavior I've seen, but I have no clue if it's the right emotion I portray because there's no logical connection in my mind to tell me."

Jace wished Phoenix did not see what he said as an absolute truth, but the indifference and acceptance were clear in his tone of voice and how he casually just grabbed his soda to drink again, like there was nothing to debate.

"You do know that I've seen almost every emotion in you by now? I've seen you process most too, many coming from me. I know you had some issues with me at first, but you read me like an open book." Gently, Jace ran his fingers through Phoenix's soft hair. It was the physical version of hearing angels sing, it was that divine an experience. And, apparently, he could now do it when he wanted to. "Do you think just anybody could have made me comfortable with a male dominant? Why do you think I asked for a female one? Why do you think I kept it a secret that I'm bisexual? I never wanted to submit to a man again. And along came you."

Jace laughed.

A sound Phoenix relaxed into. Jace was laughing again. He did not cry or stammer and was not meek and afraid. That meant he had done well with tethering Jace to himself and the strength he offered. And maybe through that tether, Jace gave him some emotional insight?

"My world is very black and white. And in my world, I've found the perfect sub. There's nobody else for me. And there won't be until you choose to not want me as your Dominant anymore." Phoenix shook his head at himself and sought Jace's warmth to steady himself enough to get out what he had tried to by starting that topic. "What I'm trying to say is that I'm not good at emotions, but I'll do my fucking best to be understanding and respond when you need it. Anything you need, and I'm not giving it to you because I just don't get it, you make me aware of it."

Jace turned his head up and waited for Phoenix to meet his eyes. "So, if I needed a kiss...?"

Phoenix chuckled in his signature way. "Then you ask, or you take."

A hand came up and clamped around the back of Phoenix's head. It pulled him down, and that time, Jace took what he needed, and Phoenix complied. For about five seconds, then he took over and gave Jace what he craved.

"Can I ask you something?" Jace looked up into Phoenix's face. He was on his side next to him, his arm still over Jace's stomach and his head resting on his knuckles to look down at Jace. He had done that since the kiss ended.

"Anything."

"Why did you tell me to never call you 'Master'?"

"To me, it's an honorific often taken by people who've not earned that right. Like a dog's master, the dog never chose to be there, but it still has to serve. Like those self-important Doms who think that the title of Master makes them more than they are." For some reason, Phoenix needed to feel Jace when they talked. He leaned down and caught Jace's mouth in a swift and sweet kiss. Just one more. He was certain that Jace would not mind. "Honorifics should be earned. I know we inherit some like in noble families, and that actually annoys me. You'll not automatically be a righteous king just because you were born by a queen. But, sure, if done correctly, some can live up to inherited titles."

"I agree. History has proven that a lot."

"The title of Master Dom, I've earned. I've done the training, both as a Dom and sub..."

Jace gasped and interrupted rather rudely. "You trained as a sub?"

"Naturally. I've always known I was a Dom. Training as a sub didn't change that. But how can I claim to want the best for my sub if I don't know what I'm putting him through? A Dominant who's never tried to submit is like a chef who's never tasted the food. I don't own any implement, I've not tried on myself."

God, Jace loved the way Phoenix thought. That mindset was so inspiring and reassuring. Phoenix should be the guideline for others to follow. Maybe he was, and that was why he was a Master Dominant.

"I've spent the time it took to read, search the internet, and actually physically gain my knowledge and expertise through trial and error. And I..." Phoenix looked at Jace with hope. "I actively prove to the people, who honor me with acknowledgment of that title that I deserve it."

Jace just nodded. He had nothing to say to that. From Chess, Jace had learned that Phoenix was respected and well-liked despite his grumpy demeanor. He treated subs with respect and spoke up when he saw Doms get out of line.

"Then shouldn't I call you that too, out of respect?"

"No, Jace. Respect is also earned through actions. You shouldn't respect me in the slipstream of what others believe. You give your body and mind willingly based on trust. And for that, I have to prove myself worthy to earn your respect. I've not done that yet. I've laid the groundwork, but it takes more to get there. If I do something wrong, you need to see me rectify my mistake and atone for my wrongdoings. It's easy to give misplaced respect when you've never faced a critical situation."

Phoenix chuckled, which Jace had noticed was the closest he came to laughing, and it was a lot better than just a curl of his lips. Those were the nuances in Phoenix. The negligible differences in the way he formed his lips, if his eyes squinted a bit and the creases at the corners came, or if there was a sound going with it.

"So that's why you want to be called Mister P.?"

That sweet chuckle sounded again.

"Partly. I've explained my reasoning, but besides that, my name would make me sound like a proper tool."

"Collymore?" Jace had seen the name on Phoenix's private business cards, though as he understood it, people in the business world simply knew him as 'Phoenix' - the business wonder. His work business cards only held the name Phoenix and nothing more, like fucking Cher. That name was enough. Combined with his physical appearance, people did not mistake his identity.

"That's my mother's maiden name. I use it because the real one is kind of not suitable to be used in combination with 'Master'."

Playful curiosity flared in Jace's eyes. He had to know. No matter what it took, that was something he needed Phoenix to tell him.

"What is it?"

"I'm not telling you." Phoenix pulled back. It was not a rejection of Jace; it was the stupidity of his name that bothered him. He did not hate it, nor did he wish to disrespect his father or his family line.

It was just lame.

"Come on, please tell me."

There was nothing in Jace that indicated anything but basic curiosity. He did not ask to pry into Phoenix's life to be an ass or even as a joke. He just liked to know things. And it was fair of him to be curious when Phoenix had every intention of being curious about Jace's past.

And it was nice to see Jace not look afraid and wanting to talk instead.

"When you tell me the name of the man who hurt you, I'll tell you my real name. Just his name, nothing more. I need nothing else right now. But I want the name because I have to know. For my own peace."

"Levi De la Rue." Jace smiled like he always did when he felt he had won a small victory. Which he had. Phoenix would have gotten Levi's name anyway when Cellmate got enough info on him to hunt him down. "Your turn."

With a deep sigh at having to honor his own attempt at a deal, one he had thought Jace had not been ready to take him up on yet, Phoenix leaned in and whispered it to Jace.

Jace sat up abruptly and laughed. Full-blown laughing, tears formed in his eyes, and he held on to his stomach. "You're fucking joking, right?"

"No, sadly not." Phoenix laid back a little to just watch Jace laugh. Some were into classical music, andothers were into the sounds of raindrops falling in the forest. But to him, the sweetest sound was Jace laughing from joy. There was nothing like it; it was pure. Honest.

It was Jace, as he should be.

He might not be able to tell him about the feelings he was battling; they were still too confusing for him. Phoenix needed time to understand if what he felt was the real deal or a burning desire that had manifested itself in that blooming feeling of what he believed love should be. At least his idea of it from watching his parents, and what he had learned from movies. What he did not know was if those feelings would go away now that he had Jace physically. If the Dom in him would get enough by being what Jace needed in the relationship.

It was easy for him to admit to himself that he believed his feelings to resemble if not actually be love for the man who sat laughing in front of him. He still saw a handsome and devilishly sexy vision of cornfield-golden hair, sparkling baby-blues, and wonderful muscles under smooth, tanned skin. He still saw an intelligent, humorous, and caring person, though he was broken inside. And without a doubt, he saw the only sub who had ever made him want to be a better Dom.

Yes, he was skilled, had trained a lot, and had been with many subs over the years, but none of them had mattered. They had been a means to an end. He had needed to use his skills; he had desires he had to fulfill, and in the BDSM community he had found a sense of peace, because the rules there he understood. When it came to physical needs, he accepted when he needed them, if they offered. In that department, he was a normal man with normal needs. His other shortcomings had not affected that part of his brain.

The difference between them and Jace was his need to be better for Jace. For all the others, he had felt enough; he had not felt the need to strive to be more than he was and not sought to be anything beyond their needs. With Jace, he wanted to be better, wanted to learn more, be more, have the skills to take care of Jace in the now, but gain more to prepare himself for the future when Jace's trauma came through the cracks in that hard shell he hid under that humor of his.

Phoenix already knew he would be there. For all of it. Whatever it would be. He would acquire any skills it would take of him to be what helped Jace overcome his past.

But what he did not know was if that was the Dom in him who wanted to protect his sub against the dangers of the world, if it was the man in him who wanted to be the best version of himself and do right by a friend in need, or if it was his heart, that absolutely only beat for Jace.

One thing was for sure, he was pleased with being that close to a laughing Jace, knowing he was his, and that they had an agreement on some sort of future.

He pushed all his thoughts aside and went back to observing Jace. Admiring him and that joy that came off him to hug him with its warmth. That was enough. He decided to live in the moment and leave the worries of the future to be handled in the future. They would find him whether or not he worried, and no worries had the right to take his focus from being with Jace at the moment.

Jace wiped his eyes and turned to look at Phoenix. He was afraid that he had insulted the man by laughing that much at his name. It was just funny, and he completely understood why Phoenix did not want that to be used as an extension to 'Master'.

His heart stopped beating for just a second, the air got caught in his lungs and slowly wheezed out of him, and a tingling began inside.

"You should do that more often," Jace whispered in awe.

"Do what? Have a crappy name? I do that every day."

"No. Smile." It was there. Phoenix's entire face glowed with it. The creases around his eyes were visible, but they did not furrow his brow as they usually would when he pretended to smile with that curled lip of his. His lips were actually pulled into a large, natural smile. The white, regular teeth showed clearly, and, fuck, he had a dimple in his left cheek. "Do you even know how stunning your smile is?"

Smile?

Was he smiling?

Phoenix's hand flew up to his face to feel it, and just as Jace had said, he felt his lips tightly pulled out and upward, and he felt the air on his teeth.

"I didn't know I was," Phoenix admitted.

Jace crawled over to Phoenix and curled up against him. He pecked a kiss on the lips that kept smiling. "You are, and that was definitely worth the wait. Thank you for doing it with me."

Gently, Phoenix closed his arms around Jace and played with the soft suede that still encircled Jace's torso. He did not do it with him. He did it because of him.

"Are you feeling better?"

"Yes, thank you for taking care of me."

"I'll always take care of you. Here or outside the club. Your care is part of my responsibility as your Dom."

Jace hummed a bit and snuggled closer. "I wasn't talking about that. I meant before I ruined everything."

Phoenix chuckled. "That was my pleasure, Baby boy." He kissed Jace's head and smiled again. Being able to do that was the best feeling in the world. "And you didn't ruin anything. Never look at it as ruining what we do or as a burden on me. You've been through something, and it's settled in your mind and gives you involuntary reactions as a result."

"It feels like ruining good moments. I don't want to break down at every small thing."

"Maybe. But that's how it's going to be, and breaking you is now my job." Phoenix held on to Jace when he stiffened and tried to pull away at the words. "When Levi broke you, you didn't mend it right, and he didn't help you pick up the pieces. You had to put yourself back together, and you put yourself together wrong. It left room for a lot of traumas and fears to come in through the cracks to sit and fester in you."

Phoenix kissed Jace's hair to gain a bit of leeway to explain himself.

"You hid it away and hoped that the wall around you would protect you from letting more pain inside, but it also stopped you from letting what was already in you out again. But whenever I'm with you, I'll go into your mind through your body, and I'll break you into tiny, little pieces to let some hurt escape, and then I'll build you up again. Each time I do it, you'll hopefully be free of a fragment of what pains you, and you'll be put together a bit better than you were before. One day, I'll put you together and all the pieces will be in the right place, and you'll be whole again."

"Oh, my God," Jace whispered.

He stayed snuggled up against Phoenix as the tears flowed. The thought of being free was too much for him to handle. He had held it in for so long that it had become normal for him to feel miserable, and for the first time in what felt like forever, he allowed himself to feel how wrong it was, and to see light at the end of the dark tunnel he had stayed in to hide his anguish.

The tears ran down onto Phoenix's chest, and the small shakes Jace made hurt him all over again. He had not meant to make him cry. He had wanted to explain how he intended to help him.

"I know you're scared. But I'll never harm you intentionally. Please give me a chance to prove myself. I'm in it for you."

"I trust you, Phoenix. Nobody's ever done anything like that for me. Gareth has tried, but I was afraid to share my stupid mistakes with him. And I'm afraid to share them with you. I don't want you to know what I've been through and suddenly treat me differently." He sniffled and dried his eyes with angry movements. "I'm sorry if I seem ungrateful."

"I don't need any of that. Your mind is your mind, your fears are yours too, and you fear I'll view you differently. But I won't. I can only do my best to show you each time that I'm not like the one who hurt you." Phoenix almost felt like crying at Jace's devastated face when he turned his head up for them to see each other. He had so bravely tried to keep his secrets but had given much away without wanting to. "I see so much potential in you, so many hidden sides I've wanted to reach, but had to stay away from because I was just your trainer and not your Dominant. With your trust, you've opened the door for me to help you."

"What if you get mad at me, or if I don't live up to your expectations?"

"Oh, Jace." Phoenix chuckled with delight. Not delight with Jace being insecure, but with the absurdity of the question. How could he be disappointed with a person who was ready to get better? "I could never get mad at you. You can never let me down. The only way you can let me down is by not trusting me or betraying my trust in you. Your past does not define you, and I'll make damned sure you free yourself from it."

"Please don't give up on me."

"I won't."

Jace relaxed into Phoenix's chest again. He felt safe there. He felt how Phoenix's promises went into him through their skin contact and vibrated in him as a sort of new life. A seed got planted in the dark soil of his soul, and with the light, Phoenix wanted to bring into him, and all the tears he did not have to shed anymore left inside to water it, that seed might grow into something beautiful.

When Phoenix finally felt Jace had stopped crying and just lay there calmly without clinging to him like a life raft, he pushed Jace back to see him. The wetness on his cheeks got wiped away with a thumb, and he smiled with teeth and all until Jace returned it with a smile of his own.

"What do you say to me getting you a washcloth and then getting dressed to go into the club so I can show you off? I found my perfect sub tonight and I feel like celebrating. One drink, I promise. I'll be sober tomorrow for you. But we deserve a glass of something, don't we?"

Beaming at the idea, Jace felt how the words made him feel cherished. Phoenix wanted to show him off, wanted to be in there and actually be proud to call him his like it was worth envy.

"As long as it's not one of those yucky mocktails. Chess makes them ok, but what's the point in drinking them when you know they don't do anything? Rather a Coke than a mocktail any day."

"And that's another reason we match so well."

Jace sat on the bed and tied his shoes while he as inconspicuously as possible admired Phoenix scraping back his hair to put it in a man bun again.

"I like your hair loose. But that there is hot."

The smoldering look he got for that comment took his breath away again. It did not help his rapidly beating heart when Phoenix came over and kissed him. It was not as deep and desperate as their first kiss. Nor was it like the sweet and comforting ones he had given when they had talked. There was a mellow feeling to it, a kind of grateful ease from knowing they were on the same page.

"Come on, Baby boy. It's time to make people talk." There was a pride in Phoenix's voice that was underlined by how he stood straight with his shoulders squared and a puffed-out chest. He held out his hand and closed his long fingers around Jace's hand when he held it out to him.

Holding hands like teenagers, they left the playroom and went back into the club. They had barely appeared before people began to whisper and look at them.

"Done already?" Chess greeted them with a cheeky smile. "Or did you run out of condoms? I've got a stash behind the bar."

He pointed below the bar and waited for confirmation.

"Don't get too sassy." Phoenix winked at him and then turned to Jace. "Champagne?"

"Yes, please, Sir."

Phoenix squeezed Jace's hand as praise and nodded at Chess to confirm their drinks order before he led Jace with him toward the Master Dominant's area. "How much did Chess help with all of this?"

"More than you'll ever know."

"So, I owe him a present, right?"

Jace smiled at the feeling of being valued enough to be worth a present for Chess. "He chose the harness."

"A big present it is." Phoenix nodded to himself, secretly thanking Chess in ways words could not describe. "I might need suggestions. I don't know him outside of the club."

"I know exactly what he needs. I'll send you a link."

Packard looked up with confusion when they got to the couch where Phoenix normally sat with him.

"Run out of condoms?"

"Yes, I figured you packed them all for your date," Phoenix shot back with no remorse.

Jace could not stop the laugh from coming out. Packard and Chess were perfect for each other. It would take a Master Dom to keep Chess in check, and it would take a Chess game to checkmate the Head Dom. The joy it would be to witness that soap opera. Not even being respectful to Phoenix could keep him from giggling with anticipation.

"Sit down, cheeky boy." Phoenix knew exactly why Jace giggled, and it was refreshing. He had to admit he looked forward to seeing Packard finally give more than a night to a sub.

Jace looked around for a floor pillow to sink onto when Phoenix pointed at the couch where Packard sat and looked at them.

"Sit."

"But I should kneel for you, Sir."

"Not if I want you to sit."

"But... I could service you if you want?"

A hard mask came over Phoenix's face and blocked that boyishly happy man he had been moments before. He drew in a breath and noticed how Jace did not flinch away, but he got a worried look in his eyes.

"Sit down, Boy. If your ass does not hit that couch within ten seconds, the next that with absolute certainty and without mercy will hit your ass is my paddle, and I'll still make you sit afterward. So... Ass. On couch. Now!"

Half a heartbeat later, the sound of Jace's ass hitting the leather cushion sounded, followed by muffled laughter from the surrounding tables.

"Wise choice, kid." Packard laughed along with the others.

Phoenix sank down and pulled Jace to his side with a possessive arm around him. He leaned down and kissed Jace's hair and whispered sweetly, "Good boy. I just wanted to hold you tonight. I have no doubts that you'll look amazing when kneeling, but I'm just not ready to not have you this close. Humor me today."

"Any time, Sir."

The man was his, and his actions had just shown everybody how fucking lucky Jace was. He remembered his training and would be absolutely perfect to not embarrass Phoenix and let him down. And if Phoenix wanted to hold him, he would let him.

Jace needed Phoenix to be proud of him.

If it was the last thing he did, he would prove that he was worthy of whatever Phoenix saw in him. He would become that. And he would trust Phoenix with his past.

Soon.

Hi dear Wattlings.

Thank you for reading. It's my friend LisaAxelson's birthday today, you've been with me for a long time, you've read all my books, and helped me edit Russian Roulette: Family secrets for The Wattys2021. Thank you for being there.

I thought why not celebrate with an extra chapter for y'all?

I know this chapter held some hard stuff. We got a glimpse into Jace's past, and how that has messed him up. But we also saw how Phoenix is dead set on healing Jace and being there for him. What do you think? Uphill battle? What will it take for Jace to open up fully? And can Phoenix handle it when he gets hit with the information bomb?

If you like it, then pop a vote and please leave comments. The comments are important for me to know how the story is progressing and the characters are developing. And I'd love to know what you think and interact with y'all.

Give me a follow too for updates on other work and put this book in your library. I'd appreciate that.

Love, Alix

Published: October 16th, 2021. ©Alix Davenport, Copenhagen