(this is kind of the second part to my 'don't listen' rant)

Okay, well, I'm not dead

Actually I think I'm...kind of...okay...for now...if I step carefully.

But really I don't know.

I don't know what I'm going to do about my family. They don't know what they're doing to me, and I can't tell them. I'm not a talker, they're not listeners, it's a mess. I can't really do anything about them- fights like this come out of nowhere, there's no way to predict them, there's no way to prevent them, there's no way to defuse them once they've started.

I spend a lot of time alone. It's not a choice, it's just how stuff happens. And when I'm alone and beyond upset, it's hard to think. Loneliness is dangerous in big doses- I usually channel my lethal aloneness into my writing and art, but sometimes it has nowhere to go but back into me. So right now, yes, I know that you're all there and you care about me even if you don't know me well and that you don't want anything to happen to me, but sometimes it's really hard to remember.

But anyway, this is for you.

All of you.

Let's go through the list, shall we?

Aiden_The_Writer, FandomsAreMyFuel, AwesomeYay99, BurningTheDragon, GPGames, Snowyflight, MegaSerperior, Ellie_Rose27, IforInvestigator, PexeLukive_Aranna, GennaJ8232, 7IdiotsKilledMyLife, HatsumiBamboo, Goldendoodlegamer11, Gaming_Girl_2005, LittleGiantPanda, _MusicPrincess_, VioletDolphin, becca4leafclover, AbsolxHTT, JayZX535, BlueGirlPrincess, Saucelot, TheSparklyKitten, Bunnylover426

Especially Aiden, because you spent a lot of time talking me down even though I was being a huge bitch, and WolfWinterStorm, because you were so nice to me even though I don't even know you.

I'm sorry I didn't take the time to respond to all of you, I swear I will I just don't have time right now

but anyway,

this is my response i guess

(woooo shiny overlay colours)

(also side note- please listen to the song at the top cause it's so cheery and calm and pretty and aw. made me feel a lot better ^^)
(plus...Gumi...Fukase...it's Vocaloid gold whether it's happy or not lOL)

Thank you all for being there for me. I spent a long time crying yesterday, because of all your caring comments and messages. Even if all you said was that you didn't know what to say, you were still there when I really needed it. I'm kind of really emotional- I get sad easily and it's hard to bring me back up again, but it somehow doesn't take much for me to feel better when it involves my internet peoples.

This is the worst thing that's happened in a while. I have a lot of ups and downs, and this was definitely a huge 'down'. Fights are always really bad in this house- as of now my parents aren't speaking to each other and my mom is pretending like nothing happened and that she's never done anything wrong in her life. This is driving me mad, because she was the one who initiated the fight and caused the most damage, but I dare not say a thing. My home life has actually been a mess for a while, I'd just gotten so used to it that I didn't feel like it was important enough to bring up here.

But it's really hard, pretending like everything's ok. Like what the fuck is this, 'Dollhouse'?!
My parents can honestly be pretty great...until they're suddenly not. Something comes up, and everything turns into a fucking nightmare. I'm worried that my mom is actually going crazy from the things I heard during The Fight, because she's perfectly fine, and then she gets mad and everything turns inside-out.

I'm honestly not sure if I'm an optimist or pessimist. There's an in-between, right? Realist? That sounds real appropriate for the girl who spends have her time in a fictional world. And I'm seriously doubting there's a 'bright side' to this- other than you guys.

You've all already helped me a lot, just by being there. I can't count how many times I've reread the comments on stuff (especially AWU), and just done nothing but smile, because you make me happy, you make me feel like I'm needed and I belong. I can't imagine life without you guys spamming my notifications all the time and driving me crazy, because honestly, you're all great.

I'll tell you one thing. I'm not contemplating suicide. If you're worried about that, don't be. Killing myself is completely off the table, so calm urselves.
Mostly it's because I'm scared that without me, everything's really going to fall apart for my family. I honestly feel like the only reason my parents are still together is because of me and my sister, and with me out of the equation, I'm sure Mom would just pack up her things and go.

And I don't want to be responsible for that.

plus, I have my other family to worry about too, you all know what I mean xD

and there's no way I'm dying before I get to unleash the hellhole of plot twists that I have planned in Forgotten Demons >:)

But since I'm being so honest here...I don't know how to stop cutting. I don't do it regularly anymore- it's only when something like this crashes its way into my life and I don't know how to express myself. It seems to help me, because if I cut deep enough to actually really hurt, it's enough to make me stop, slow down, and think about what's going on. Several people have suggested drawing on myself instead of something more harmful, but it doesn't really work for me.

So, seriously. Anyone out there who thinks about self-harming, don't fucking do it. It's a cycle that you can't stop once you start, and I wish I hadn't started, because I don't know how to break the habit. It's easy enough to tell someone to not cut, or to tell yourself that you're not going to, but when you're upset and numb and blinded by tears, it's hard to think.

And okay, yes Aiden, I know I didn't respond when you PMed me, but yes you're right. I've been just...not taking care of myself. Not sleeping, not eating as much, just generally being careless with my needs. And it's become pretty normal now, so it'll be fun to try and break out of that habit too. That's not as much about depression, though, more just...I'm careless.

Aaannnnddd okay, last depressing topic.

I'm not going to take the medications. No way. I'm too spiteful, too independent, and I'm worried that if I start taking them now I'll start acting different, and I do not want to be controlled like that. It's sort of a crazy form of paranoia, but there ya go, welcome to my life.

Let me tell you a brief story.

Roughly ten months ago (I think it was April??), my moronic family finally noticed my depression. At that point, I was starting to recover. I was feeling a bit brighter about life, and wasn't self-harming nearly as much. This was mostly because I'd made some new goals in life, and had given myself reasons to live. And, of course, you guys were giving me all sorts of kind support because you're amazing.
One day, my mom announced that I had a doctor's appointment. She said it was nothing major, just a basic physical checkup. I believed her, because I hadn't had a routine checkup in awhile.
The first thing that doctor said when we got there was 'So you're here to talk about the depression symptoms?' and my mom said 'Yes.'
The first thing I thought was 'wow, I didn't think I was dumb enough to walk straight into this trap'.
The doctor tried to get me to talk about why I was cutting and how long I'd been feeling this way and blah blah, I wasn't saying jack shit because I was furious. She tried to talk to Mom, who as previously mentioned, knew very little. (my parents still believe I was scratching myself with my fingernails)
Then the doctor decided that I needed therapy and medication. She flat out told me 'You are not going to get better on your own. This is not something you're strong enough to defeat, you need help.'
And she said exactly that. I still remember that so clearly, because I had never been more angry in my entire life.
(honestly I'm getting really worked up just thinking about it now)
So she put me on medication (I flatly stated that there was no way in hell I was going to therapy), and we went home. Mom spent the next few days being really apologetic and nice, because she could tell how mad I was. But she still tried to enforce the prescription.
One pill a day, going into a little blue cup hidden behind a pile of stuff on my dresser.
Later, Mom tried to get me to take more medication, pills that she said were 'just vitamins', but I had already learned my lesson about trust. I smiled nicely, said 'If you think that'll help', and added those to my stash.
I kept hiding the pills until around December, when Mom decided it was time to fully clean out my room. I went into the woods behind my house after it had rained, dug a hole, and buried the entire ten-month stash of pills. I never took a single one, and Mom was never the wiser.
I've had two doctor's appointments since I started the prescription, both 'routine checkups' to judge my behavior and ask if I'd been taking the meds. All I had to do was smile, act cheery, and pretend to be a perfect angel. I had already recovered on my own (with help from my wonderful friends, thank you, love you), so it wasn't hard to pretend like I'd been doing as I'd been told.

...

Yeah. Have we mentioned that I'm kind of fucked up.

What did we learn from that?

I am a vengeful little creep who acts out of spite and will not hesitate to lie about anything, to anyone.

*exhale* whew. to be honest it felt pretty good to get that out.

I don't know what to do about my family- since there's not much I can do- but I think I know what I'm going to do about myself. I'm going to stay strong and keep my sanity. I'm not bringing up The Fight, and I'll try not to provoke either parent. Keeping my head down means I can subtly interfere where I need, and duck out of trouble when I have to. One of the biggest problems with The Fight was that Mom was originally mad at me, so I couldn't do anything when my parents were going at each other because I would just make things flare up more. I try so hard to keep things going smoothly in my family, which is why it hurts so much when things fall apart so fast.

I think I'm gonna be offline for a while, maybe even a week or two. I might check in occasionally, but I think I need some time to figure things out for myself. In that time I...*sighs exasperatedly* I'm gonna TRY to banish my writer's block and get you a new FD chapter and some more of Treehouse, but I think I mostly need some time to build my mental state back up, because let me tell you, I am a freaking mess.

Thank you for everything. You guys are great, and talking to you makes me feel so happy, gives me confidence that I can make it through whatever's going on. Love y'all platonically, and I doubt I'd still be here if it wasn't for all of you 💙 💕💞💗

(except that one girl who I love canonically....okayhahabyegottagonow)

(IMKIDDINGKENDALLDON'TKILLME)

-Rush💙