I’m barely breathing
like I forgot how

“So when did this start?”

“This kind of thing doesn't have a definite start or end, you know,” Baekhyun said as I got in next to him, his hands loose around the steering wheel. “It's been on for as long as I can remember.”

I nodded even though I didn't understand, strapping myself to the seat since I didn't very well trust him with driving. “How long have you been here? In this mess, I mean. You can't be very old if you started college just this year…” I trailed off as realisation hit me. Even when I had sort-of trusted him, it was still obvious that he was a freshman at the same age as me, which was a year later than usual. And I hadn't even realised.  “Oh god.”

He looked over at me, raising his eyebrow slightly. “What?”

“Nothing,” I said quickly. “So...how long?”

“Hard to remember, but around sixteen, I think.” He scrunched up his nose slightly, as if trying to recall. The wire-rimmed glasses were on again, but now they just looked strange on him. Earlier, they'd given off a bookworm-ish look, but now they just made him look sinister, or deadly. “So, three years?”

I looked out of the window as he started the car, feeling weird about the whole situation. Here I was, disliking him but also liking him, his dry personality, his unaffectedness, the way he reminded me of home. In a good way, and a bad way. Still, our conversation was mostly normal—as normal as it could be, anyway—with as little hostility as possible.

It was probably his way of doing things, I decided. No matter how uncomfortable he made me, he still, in his own way, tried to keep things as casual and light as possible. So it had been when we were partners. So it was now that we were jailer-and-convict.

“Don’t you think they'll try looking for me even now?” I muttered, my hands fluttering over the seatbelt slightly. “I don't think they'd be too scared of you all, especially since they didn't hesitate in the chase when I was with Jinyoung.”

He smiled a little, but it looked strained. “Jinyoung is a hitman. He's still predictable. And the bikers would be pretty hard to deal with for a person like that. I've been with them too, you know.” He looked at me sideways for a moment. “Do you remember them following you when you switched to Taeyong's car? He's a mystery to them, so they wouldn't try to mess with him.”

The unexpected mention of Taeyong's name sent a jolt up my spine. “I don't get it,” I said, slowly. “Wouldn't they know your strategy? The way your mind works? As far as I know, I'm with you for the next few days.”

Baekhyun didn't respond for a few seconds, being too focused on parking the car. We were in the more worn-down part of the city, with the garage not as big as the ones in the heart of the city and not as small as downtown.

“Come on,” he said instead of answering, getting out of the car without sparing me a second glance.

As I exited the Lexus, I saw that the walls were dirtier than what was normal, moss growing in some corners against the pillars out of the cracks. I turned away from the sight, frowning at how uncaring Baekhyun looked.

“What is this place?” I wondered aloud, not exactly disregarding the way he had ignored my question. The place was empty apart from us, looking as if it hadn't been cleaned for a long, long time.

The LC looked out of place, but I was used to that sort of thing after a few days of being with the racers. It was eerie that I had gotten used to their ways so quick, but I guessed it was because this wasn't the first time I had been involved in this kind of thing. At least with the bikers, I had known what was happening.

“We're picking up some juice. The regular runs,” Baekhyun said, squinting up at the light filtering through the tall windows. “Even though the races are off for now, it won't be so for much longer. They'll have to come out sometime, and this is how we earn. We can't put them on hold forever.”

The races. That was what I had come for, at first, but I had begun to think that my subconscious had been more at work. Even if I had hated all that had went down with the bikers, it was possible that I had missed the life, the freedom...and being with the racers had given me a false sense of security. All that had come out of it was danger. And regret.

“I never got to do those,” I mused. “Even if I have to be looked after, I'll get to race when they're back on, right? Or is someone going to stay in the car with me?”

“Well, it's not like you can just drive away.” He smiled wryly. “It's not that easy, first of all, and I don't think you'll be willing to make that mistake again.”

He said it calmly, but I couldn't help but feel that there was a threatening undertone to his voice. Or maybe it was a warning, the good kind. I couldn't even tell anymore.

“Baekhyun,” I said suddenly, as we reached the staircase. I'd been hoping he would keep going so I could have asked it more naturally, but he turned and raised his eyebrows. “You said you were from the bikers, right? Why did you leave?”

Maybe that was why he had said our origins hadn't been so different. And if I left because of the fire, then maybe he did, too. Which meant that all this, the questioning my intentions, was all a show.

He paused, looking—well, not hesitant, maybe, but unsure of whether he could share that information with me. “My reason is not the same as yours,” he finally said, turning and making his way up the stairs as I stood staring at his retreating back. “But maybe it's somewhat similar. You ran, and it was probably because of him, but my reasons were more...complicated.”

The answer was still unclear, but I didn't point that out. Complicated, he had said. Maybe that was why the bikers hadn't chased after him, but had somehow found it important that I didn't get away. For some reason, imagining him with the same group of people I had been with felt wrong.

There was something clandestine about Baekhyun, something that made me feel that he couldn't stay at one place for long. What his reasons were, I didn't know or understand, but I couldn't help but wonder. How long was it until his fuel ran out?

“Stay here for a moment,” he said when we reached the top, eyes scanning the empty corridor as he put out a hand to stop me. “They can't show up here, but then—”

He broke off, his expression turning hard as he turned his face towards me. “I’ll be back soon.”

Then he walked off, leaving me staring after him. At first, I wondered why he'd left me along when all he'd had to do was have me wait outside, but then I realised that he probably couldn't have let me out of his sight. That made me feel annoyed all over again, as it was his fault in a way, but I wasn't willing to leave myself out in the open either.

The halls were narrow on either side, reminding me a little of the motel where they had a base. The air smelled stale, and there was no exposure to the outside world, making me feel closed off from all life.

I felt sickened that I still felt a little attracted to him, but there was no denying that he was good-looking. Which reminded me of Seulgi, and the drug, and then Taeyong.

The thought of him had constantly been at the back of my mind, but when I actually thought about the night in the car, it left me feeling scarily off-balance, as if I was standing at the edge of a roof.

There was no doubt that the kiss had taken place under the strong influence of ecstasy, which meant that it probably wasn't fully intentional on my part. Ecstasy was known mainly for increasing your energy and pleasure levels. The fact that I had kissed Minhyuk because of it should've been proof enough of how my memory of the experience was altered.

But Taeyong had been perfectly sober.

I pushed the thought out of my mind, hating how it made me feel breathless and anxious. Was there something more that I needed to know? I hadn't even sorted out my feelings for him or Vernon, but everything was taking place at such a fast pace that I didn't know what to think.

There was no way I could actually have a relationship more than friendly with any of these people—damn, even being friendly was dangerous enough. What with the bikers on my trail, and the people that might be present within...I had enough experience with the romance thing to know it wasn't going to end well.

But on a purely physical basis, well.

And Seulgi. What had she been thinking? Had anything she told me even been true? Or had she just been playing with me, trying to make me a form of entertainment? Vernon was supposedly the worst, and that I should surrender to my senses—I didn't know how much of it was correct, but it was still frightening to even consider.

I felt weak.

You're not weak, Baekhyun had said, hadn't he? Remember that.

But how could I, when he practically knew nothing about what was happening with me, when there was so much more at stake than just the bikers? I was half sure that he hadn't realized anything, but Baekhyun had proved to be more perceptive than I had thought.

Maybe he had been through this type of situation before.

“Hey.” I looked up to find him walking back towards me with a case in his hand, and something small and metallic in his other. Good. I was beginning to hate being left alone with my thoughts.

“Take this,” he said, handing me the metal object, and, without another word, making his way down the stairs. I frowned, staring at the thing for a few seconds before realizing with a start that the device in my hand was a gun.

It was small, about the size of my palm but a little bigger. The barrel was engraved with initials that I didn't bother to read.

“Baekhyun!” I called out in shock as I stumbled a little following him downstairs. “What is this?”

He didn't stop, not even bothering to look at me. “A gun.”

“I can see that,” I hissed, holding the revolver gingerly as if it might bite. “But what is it for? Am I supposed to go to college with this? Are you out of your mind?”

The words tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them, leaving me out of breath as we reached the garage again. He was walking faster than usual, leaving no time for me to ask him anything else.

I had known that each member would be handed weapons to protect themselves at all times, but as I was supposed to have a chaperone of sorts, I hadn't thought that I would be getting one, too.

“As they'll be after you mainly, we need to make sure you can at least defend yourself.” He slid into the seat, looking hurried. “You know how to use a gun, right?”

I nodded, standing outside the Lexus with a hesitant look.

“Then leave college to me.” He grabbed the wheel and looked at me dead in the eye. “Get in.”