until we’re all mad
I’m breaking it all apart

Less than five minutes later, I was fully dressed and sitting on one side of the bed.

Taeyong had been careful with the wound while we had been kissing, but it still hurt more than it had before because of my constant movement and the stress it had to withstand when I'd worn a shirt. The gauze was even more bloodied now, and I almost regretted moving even an inch because of it, wondering how Taehyung had managed with his injury.

Baekhyun had drawn up a chair next to Taeyong's and was sitting in it now, expression serious and business-like, reflecting the mood of the room. It was so different from the earlier air in the atmosphere that it felt like the incident had never happened.

But everything was still tense, even if it was for completely different reasons. Baekhyun leaned forward, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose and looked at me. “Tell me everything that happened.”

I froze, not sure how to reply in a manner which would seem unaffected. Even recalling the previous night's events seemed to send a jolt through my shoulder.

“I was walking alone when I noticed him tailing me, and confronted him with the gun,” I said, flexing my fingers when I remembered I had lost it. “When Taeyong showed up, he shot me, but luckily it only got my shoulder.” I shrugged with my uninjured side. “And I woke up here.”

“That's all right, but I'm asking you about Daejeon,” Baekhyun stated, lightly tapping his knee, his gaze never once leaving mine. “Listen—to be able to help you, I need to know what exactly happened that made you run. And then the rehab thing. As far as I know, it's not for substance abuse or any major crime.”

The last line made me want to curl into myself, to shut my mind off, away from the rest of the world. “Why would you want to help me?” My face twisted into a wry smile, and I could my head to the side as I looked at him. “All you've done so far is get me drugged, chased and shot.”

Taeyong looked vaguely uncomfortable at my words, but at that moment, I didn't care. I'd had been completely sickened by the racers’ actions even before, but getting hit was the last straw.

Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I'd seen his face, and it had ignited some sort of anger inside me, an indignation at this unfairness and the underlying guilt that came with it. It had been hard enough before, but finally coming face-to-face with my past had been too much for me to bear.

I wanted out.

Baekhyun pursed his lips, and this time, there was a hint of pleading in his earlier emotionless eyes. “I know anything I say against that is not going to have any effect on you, but believe me when I say none of that was on purpose.” He inhaled, closing his eyes momentarily and then reopening them. “I'm not sure about the drug part, but as for the chase, I would have never met any harm come to you. The shooting was unexpected, and I'm definitely not letting you go down that path again.”

I stared back at him, flatly, still skeptical. “And you expect me to believe that.”

His eyes narrowed. “Well, it wouldn't help us in any way to let you get hurt,” he said. “To help you, I need to know the reason you're so scared of them, and anyway, you can't escape them by yourself. You need us, after all. You need me.”

The statement hit me like a slap in the face, but I was forced to face the truth of his words. Despite all they had done to me, there was no way I would have made it alive this far without their help, and there was no way I was getting the bikers off my back without them. And Baekhyun, with all his impenetrable expressions and his coldly logical mind, was still a very useful person to have around when you were running for your life.

“I joined them when I was seventeen,” I said, giving in and closing my eyes, letting my face head drop into my hands. “In the beginning, there wasn't much reason to regret it, except the fact that their leader seemed to hate having me there.” I swallowed against the cold fear rising in my chest. “He mocked me, insulted me, and basically grabbed every opportunity to push me away from the group. But I had other, better company, and it was bearable to an extent.”

The two watched me carefully, not making a move to break the flow of words. I couldn't see them, but their stares almost sent lasers through me, making me painfully aware of their presence.

“You know who I am talking about,” I said, looking up at Baekhyun, being unable to bring myself to say their names. “And him, of course. He made it so much more bearable, and I guess he was the reason I never left. It was hard to even consider being without him.” The slow memories washed over me like a chilly wave, scraping my skin raw and leaving me exposed to every predator. “Slowly, the leader warmed up to me, at least somewhat, and they started sending me on...jobs.”

I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it.

I couldn't say it.

“I…” Even the effort to speak sent a racking pain in my chest, much more obvious and painful than the one in my shoulder. My eyes stung as I dropped my face again, hands curling into fists at my knees. I couldn't do this. “I killed him.”

The silence that followed it seemed more shocked than judgemental, and I couldn't blame them. Tears gathered in my eyes and spilled onto my cheeks as I squeezed them shut. “I murdered him, and—”

“Hey.” A warm hand covered mine, and when on looking up, I was surprised to see Baekhyun's soft and concerned eyes trained on my features. “Take your time.”

I shook my head, closing my eyes and wiping off the few tear tracks on my face. “The leader's brother, Yoongi. It was supposed to be a simple run, but he somehow convinced me to steal a police cruiser. Soon enough, we were being chased, but there was a crash.”

At this point, I had to stop again, finding it difficult to breathe. My pulse had sped up despite there being no immediate danger, and every breath felt like a stab within my lungs.

Their eyes stayed trained on mine, the warmth and pressure of Baekhyun's hand still on my own.

“One of the officers had managed a hit, I think, on the rear wheel,” I continued. “I’m not sure about that, though, I wasn't particularly interested in that when they got me later. But we veered off course and crashed into the roadside.” I inhaled deeply, trying to slow my heart rate. “They found me unconscious and injured later, but Yoongi—he didn't make it.”

The room seemed to spin now, a splitting headache rising as a spoke. It had affected me so much back then, but even after a year it still had the same effect on me, rendering me unable to behave properly as if I'd been hit by a bullet. I could count on my fingers how many nights I had not awoken to a nightmare with flames closing in around me, letting me fade away into a charred memory.

“The bikers didn't acknowledge me after the police brought me in, so I was only charged with the theft of a police vehicle and a joyride.” I chewed on the tagged flesh on the inside of my cheek. “Maybe the bikers pulled some connections to protect themselves—I’m not sure—but I only ended up in rehabilitation, not juvie or anything,” I completed, voice shaky. “That's why they're after me—for the murder of the head's brother, for putting their business in danger. And now they're going to kill me.”

“No one's going to kill you. At least not on my watch,” Baekhyun said grimly, squeezing my hand once again before letting go. “But if that's what they're hunting you for, then it shouldn't have any relation to the disappearance of our manager.”

“I don't think that's it,” Taeyong, who had been sitting silent this whole time, spoke up, making both of us turn out attention to him. “Maybe it's something else, something more, that she doesn't know about.”

As he spoke, I realized why the situation had seemed so wrong. In all my weeks with the racers, I had never seen Taeyong interact directly with anyone except the time he had yelled at Seulgi and Minhyuk in the club. After seeing his uncomfortable rapport with Baekhyun, I wondered what exactly his position in the hierarchy was.

Even the idea of what he had said was frightening, that there was something more to the story, but it was impossible to believe. There was no way I was involved in more than just this.

“If there is, we don't know about that, either,” Baekhyun said softly, taking off his glasses and slowly massaging the bridge of his nose. “But I know someone who might.”

The way he said it made me uncomfortable, so I looked away from him, instead choosing to focus on my hands which lay clasped in my lap. “What now?”

It was quiet for another moment. He looked far away from the room, lost in his thoughts which I so desparately wanted to know.

“Who was it?” The blond said at length, turning his attention back to me. His tone was less hoarse, but still heavy with contemplation. “The one who shot you—was it Jaebum? Yeosang?”

I shook my head. “Him, Baekhyun, it was him,” I answered, and there was a tremor in my voice. “It was Lay.”

The way his eyes hardened told me that he did know what I was talking about. Sometimes, I forgot that Baekhyun was once a part of the same group of bikers that I had been, but the grave recognition that arose in his expression suddenly reminded me that he knew exactly what kind of person we were dealing with.

“That sounds unlike him,” he muttered, a hint of disbelief in his tone. “Are you absolutely sure it was him?”

“Of course I'm sure, Baekhyun, I think me of all of people would be able to recognize him easily,” I said with a short, bitter laugh. “I know what I saw.”

He pressed two fingers to his temples, the look on his face making it obvious that he was seriously troubled by this new information. “Then we have to assume they're ready to go to any length to eliminate you.”

I shivered a little. The word eliminate made the whole situation scarier than it already was.

The atmosphere was still, with Taeyong looking between us with furrowed eyebrows. I'd almost forgotten he had been in the room, which was saying something considering all that had went down between us mere minutes ago.

He must have been confused by the exchange between us, since he didn't know the bikers personally like Baekhyun and I did. In a way, I was jealous of him, who didn't have to fear someone in such a profound way, who, even if he committed an offence, had to do nothing but leave.

“Come on, I'll drive you,” Baekhyun said, breaking me out of my thoughts, and got to his feet. “Taeyong—”

“I'll stay,” Taeyong spoke, interrupting him. “It would be safer if you went with her anyway.”

I followed him to the door, debating internally whether I should turn at the door. But when I did, Taeyong was still sitting with his back to me, seemingly distracted.

“You didn't kill him.” I jumped as Baekhyun spoke just behind me, his lips close to my ear. “So don't beat yourself up over it.”

I waited, holding my breath, for him to speak whatever else he had to say. But when I finally turned, he was gone.