Whatever anybody says
I'm gonna do gotta do

My body was on fire.

Even as I drove back to the house, my heart thundered with the memory of the race, as if I was still in the car, the sound of the wind howling in the air and the excitement of winning, of not losing, of burning a trail of fire on the road.

Despite the persistence of the euphoria that had gripped me and shaken me, I was distracted by the current problem.

My dad was supposed to be home by now.

I didn't dawdle in the garage as usual, but as I pushed open the door and stepped outside, I heard the click of the door being unlocked.

Well fuck.

In the deathly silence of the night, when not even crickets chirped, the noise was deafening. Hands trembling, I tiptoed to the door connecting the garage and the house, and pushed it open just a crack, so that the interior was slightly visible.

The tall stature of my father's physique was visible through the door, merely a silhouette against the dull orange light of the lamp. As I watched with slightly wide eyes, his nimble fingers loosened the tie that gripped his neck like a noose, and pulled it off in a single, sharp movement.

The lines on his worn and weather-beaten face seemed to deepen as he breathed in, deep and long. His lips parted—

"Y/N?"

I pulled back quickly, aware that he had not seen me, but my pulse raced again. The last thing I wanted was to get caught.

"Y/N!"

Of course I couldn't answer. I shut my eyes and prayed that he would assume that I was asleep, and at least clean up before he came to my room.

A moment of long silence, and I peeked out once again, heart bouncing against my ribcage. The room was empty.

Please, please, please, the monosyllabic plea was incessant, just hovering above the subconsciousness of my mind. Please be in the bathroom.

I approached the stairs on the balls of my feet, arms close to my sides like a bird ready to take flight.

I practically ran up the stairs, taking pains not to let even the smallest of sounds escape the wood under the pressure of my feet. As my foot came down on the last step, the light switched on.

The step creaked.

My breath caught, and my heartbeat sped up even more, if it were possible. Shit!

"Y/N?" My dad's voice was skeptical now, questioning and making my skin crawl. "Are you there?"

I wasn't even in the race, but the speed with which I moved up and ran into the room was legendary. The door shut softly just as I heard the creak of the stairs.

He was there.

"No, no, no," I whispered to myself, pulling of my attire as fast as I could, reaching for the first t-shirt I saw in my closet. "No, please."

The room was completely dark, making it even harder for me to see what I was doing. In the pitch blackness of the night, my hands pulled and tugged at the fabric, pulling over my head and flattening down my sides.

I could hear my blood pound.

After all that had happened, I knew my father wouldn't just suspect my whereabouts to be limited to harmless college parties.

And he wouldn't be wrong.

I hurriedly pulled up my pajamas just as the obnoxiously loud sound of the last step creaking floated up. Hastily, I jumped into my bed, pulling up the sheets and closing my eyes just as the door opened.

"Y/N?" My dad's voice was confused, slightly thrown off as he stepped in, his eyes presumably falling onto my—not—sleeping form. "Are you...oh."

There was a long silence.

My heart still thudded in my chest, my hands clammy and cold despite the coolness of the thin layer of sweat lining my skin. Please.

Some shuffling, and then, a heavy sigh that could only be my father's. "Goodnight." He said softly, hesitating. My heart clenched, and not in fear.

The door closed.

As soon as I heard the creak, a long, relieved breath pulled itself from my lips. I didn't move for a moment, letting my parasympathetic system get to work, my pulse calm and my breathing slow.

We hadn't been very close, at least since before the...incident. My after wasn't frigid, exactly, but I guessed he couldn't look at me without seeing a part of my mother. And maybe it was that which made him into this, and which would drive me to my doom.

I was destined to become nothing but another tragedy in the wake of my blood.

──────

The walk to the cafetaria was one of shame.

My eyes stayed on the floor as I took my seat, moving to my hands as I lay them on the table, plain and untouched, yet I could still feel the previous night's remains on my skin.

Seulgi's lips on mine, the last of her lipstick, the smell of cocaine on her warm body pressed against mine.

The pressure of Vernon's arm over my shoulder's, the shockwaves of his wink, quick as a flash of lightning, just as elecrifying and fascinating.

Minhyuk's grin, the ticklish feeling of a Sharpie on my palm, the reassurance of the time of my life.

Now, my hands were clenched.

An invitation. The smell of burning rubber, alcohol, the sourness of a drunk tongue in my mouth.

Burning red hair, the slice of a knife-like smile, pale wrists and gold bobby pins. A worn leather jacket, fingerless gloves, the hood of a car. A real laugh, adrenaline, the desire to fly.

Taeyong.

I didn't know what exactly I wanted, but one of those things was definitely Taeyong.

Racing was supposed to be big. A sliver of a past of murder, crashes and a swirling pillar of flames and unanswered cries.

I didn't know whether or not I wanted to go back.

"Don't be too pissed." A bright voice, not sounding too scared. I looked up, and there was Minhuk. No, not just Minhyuk—Seulgi, too. "We're friendly."

My eyes narrowed as the pair sat down opposite me, neither looking too friendly to my calculating gaze. "Right."

"I told you she's pretty antisocial in the morning," Minhyuk turned to Seulgi, who laughed and turned her hypnotic eyes on me. "All snappy replies and burning death glares."

"I don't know," The latter smirked, leaning forward slightly on her elbows, making me gulp. "She didn't seem very antisocial when she was making out with a stranger last night."

I stiffened at her words, only making her smile widen. Shaking my head, I pushed back my chair, jaw clenched. "I've had enough of this."

"No, you haven't." I would have gotten up, but there was an authoritative tone in the raven-haired girl's voice that made me go still. She leaned forwards again, all traces of her flirty playfulness gone, the deathly curiosity in her honey-brown eyes telling me that she didn't take kindly to being disobeyed.

Minhyuk looked none too put off by the change in her behaviour, but a glint of interest sparked in his gaze, too, as he looked at me curiously. "A little birdy told me you rode in a Stingray last night."

My eyes hardened. "Tell that little birdy that this is none of its business."

"Oh well." Seulgi shrugged. "How did you make Taeyong let you in? You should've been sliced to pieces by now."

A frown. I didn't think it had been that bad when he had glared at me. "I think I would have, too."

"What did you do?"

"I touched his baby." I rolled my eyes, and the pair chuckled appreciatively. "Honestly? He was like a mama bear."

"Not surprised." The jock smirked. "Bet?"

"On him winning," I confirmed. "With that damn car..."

They nodded in harmony, looking serious. Apparently, the mood had dulled from the previous teasing one. I said nothing further, but my fingers clenched and unclenched around the air.

"How was it?" Seulgi asked finally, her voice soft.

"How was what?" I looked at her in surprise, tilting my head to the side.

"The race." Minhyuk's eyes were glinting now, the nostalgic look in them strong and sharp, like the smell of ammonia. "Did you feel it? The speed, the desire, the need to win? Wouldn't you give everything away for that? The insanity of it, yet the brutal feeling of control?"

For a few seconds, I didn't answer. The reason? I wasn't sure how to.

Yes, I had wanted to stay away from this. The underground world of Seoul, the madness, the drive to be powerful, and just better, and not in a good way. Perhaps I had managed to convince myself, at some point along the line, that I wanted to stay away because I did not want a repeat of events. Because I knew it was bad for me.

It did not change the reality—I wanted to stay away, because I knew that if I was exposed to the excitement of it all again, I wouldn't be able to resist it. Some small part of me knew that in some crazy, twisted way, I belonged here.

"Maybe." The word was muted, though it held significance. Power. Hope. Too much of it.

Much, much more than I would have liked.

"Well, I'm going to leave you two to talk for now." Seulgi said distractedly, her eyes on some distant figure as she got up. I got the feeling she wasn't paying much attention to us now, anyway. "See you later, kids."

Minhyuk watched her go with raised eyebrows, a mischievous expression dancing across his chiseled face. "I have a feeling you need a chaperone."

"Not really." She gave him a superior look, and I had the sinking feeling that I was third-wheeling on an inside joke or something. "You definitely do, though. Don't scare the girl too much."

With a flip of her luxurious midnight hair, she was off.

"What the heck...?" I stared after her with slightly raised eyebrows, and when I turned back, Minhyuk was already staring at me. "What?"

"You felt it, didn't you?" He deadpanned. "I can tell by the look on your face."

"The race?" I felt uncomfortable for some reason, facing his unnerving stare and unnaturally angular face. "Why?"

"Lee Taeyong is sometimes a little shit, but I have to admit, he can race," He pursed his lips, looking grudgingly impressed. "I know he made you feel it. I just do."

Silence.

"Will you race?" He asked softly, looking genuine for the first time. "I know I sound pretty bad right now, but I'm asking you a genuine question. Will you race?" A small smile. "I promise you a freedom, however temporary, Y/N. Say you want to."

I was quiet, but his face was unreadable. If he was playing me again, there was no trace of that on his face. It was pure, simple hope.

Hope.

Maybe I needed it too, no matter how dangerous it was.

"Okay." I said quietly, and his lips lifted. "I want to."

A shiver.

"I want to race."

  ──────  

rant to me.